Chapter 18 - Naked

Harm couldn't stop kissing her. On the walk back to his SUV, the drive back to the marina and even the boat ride he just couldn't stop kissing or touching or even holding Mac.

She remembered.

She remembered them and the short, happy months when they were everything to one another. She remembered what it felt like to be loved by him. She remembered the warmth of his arms, the heated kisses and lazy mornings laying in bed. She remembered when they moved into her place. She remembered making breakfast, the time the toast burned and the smoke alarm went off caused by her slipping into the shower with him.

She remembered the row of Navy uniforms, blues and whites hanging in a closet next to her Marine greens. She remembered being carried to bed after insisting she was not too tired to watch some silly romcom. She remembered massaging his back that occasionally hurt from a ramp strike and two ejections. She remembered them sitting quietly on the couch, in his arms with the fire crackling.

There were still wide gaps in her memories but when it came to the good parts of their short marriage, Mac remembered.

When the cabin came into view her breath caught for a moment. It looked the same but far more spruced then the first time she'd seen it. He promised her a tropical honeymoon in the Bahamas and as lovely as that sounded, she didn't need more than that cabin. That cabin and him.

Mac felt a serene warmth spread through her as she raced up the dock stopping short when Harm called for her. He scooped her in his arms, those intense blue eyes alight with mischief. "Absolutely no squirming this time, Marine. Last go around I nearly dropped you."

Indeed he nearly had because she was trying to get him to put her down. "I'll try my best." Instead she buried her face in his shoulder, sweeping her lips alongside his neck. She heard a sharp intake of breath and felt his grip losen, his legs buckling slightly.

"Jesus, Mac." He glared at her with a scolding look that made her giggle.

"I wasn't squirming."

"No you weren't." Harm tore through the front door, kicked it closed with his foot and made a beeline for the bedroom. She already had half the buttons of his shirt undone and her lips were back to torturing him with soft kisses down his jawline.

He kicked closed the bedroom door too and made quick work of discarding his jacket and shirt once he placed her on the ground. Harm brought her back into his arms, slipping her own jacket off and then caressing Mac through her clothes as they kissed.

He was actually afraid to strip her clothing off, an act he'd done so many times and now was a bit foreign. As it was his hands shook when they slid down and cupped her six forcing a low moan from her lips. He brought one hand up, sliding it under her shirt to the smooth, warm skin of her low back. A simple touch but it made her shiver nonetheless and so she arched her body against his, pressing her breasts against his chest.

Harm wanted her, she knew he wanted her by the way he touched her, the way a hardness pressed against her abdomen. This wouldn't be the first time he'd seen her naked, she'd lost count of how many times she's stood baring her body to him. It was always exciting to see his expression, the darkening of his eyes, the hardening of his erection. His skin even flushed, yes, the man would sometimes blush all over.

With shaky hands she took off her shirt, her bra, slipped off her jeans and stepped out of her panties. She was quick about it not wanting to have him notice how apprehensive she suddenly was. He was her husband who loved her unconditionally but all Mac could think of was the image that stared back at her in the mirror.

One of her arms had burn marks attributed to God only knew what. Her body just didn't look the same or feel the same and why would he want that? Harm had taken several steps back to simply look but the feel of his eyes on her body made her feel oddly exposed.

She used her arms and hands, alternating them up and down in failed attempts to cover her breasts and privates. Cringing, she recalled not even being groomed properly when in the past she would wax in effort to prevent nasty razor burns. Eventually she gave up covering herself, folded her arms across her chest disgusted with her sudden lack of self worth but then, why would he want her anymore?

She was not the woman he once knew intimately. Her body had changed and it shamed her to stand naked before him. She wasn't the woman he fell in love with. "Harm...I'm sorry. I'm...I'm just so sorry. I'm not...me."

His heart broke for her although, to him the changes were minute. She was still thin, he figured Mac's metabolism wouldn't let her gain much weight but the definition on her body from weights and running were gone. If anything she was too thin and her skin that often looked kissed by the sun held a palor from years of wearing the niqab.

She shook when he took a step forward and he knew she was fighting the desire to run away. Again he cursed Sadiq, Farid and even himself for not stopping her the day she left with Webb. He would have cursed the spy as well but the man had paid his dues long ago.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Why couldn't she understand that he still wanted her? He wanted her just as badly as the first time they made love. "Nothing at all."

Instead of touching her, he plucked her robe from the corner of the bed and draped it over her shoulders. The eyes that once lustfully caressed her body now just looked into hers. His erection deflated and the strain against his jeans was far more manageable. Harm would learn to be patient for her even if it took forever. "Nothing has to happen. Not until you want it to."

"I want to." She reached out to cup him but his hand caught hers and gently pushed her away.

"Mac, stop."

"Damnit, Harm...I want to."

"You're scared."

Mac wasn't scared, she was absolutely terrified that she wasn't good enough for him anymore. "I don't want to be. Not with you."

A hand came up to cup her cheek, gently caressing her face as if he was seeing her for the first time. "We can take things slow. Very slow….Can I touch you?"

"Yes."

But, he didn't touch her where Mac thought he would, instead bringing his palms to her shoulders. His thumbs moved over her collarbone just a slow sweep until his hands moved down to her arms. It was mesmerizing how gentle he was, how his big, rough palms could tenderly touch her skin.

His index fingers curved along the crease of her elbow and his hands continued down to her forearm eventually reaching her hands. Long digits threaded through her good hand and Mac curiously watched their union. His hand dwarfed hers, her delicate fingers disappearing between his as he squeezed and released his palm.

Harm held her bandaged hand in his, wrapping his fingers around her wrist where he could feel her pulse steadily increasing. "I've never forgotten how beautiful you are, Sarah." Her skin was glowing too taking on a pink hue, a blush from head to toe. "You and me, it's never been just about sex. If it were, we'd have slept together ages ago."

He released his hold and took a step back. "We

don't have to rush this. I don't want to rush this. I just wanted you back. Everything else will click into place on its own time." With his head Harm pointed toward the bathroom. "I'm gonna run you a bath. Just sit in it, relax. I'm not going anywhere."

Harm did draw her a bath, reminiscent of their wedding day when they filled the tub with pails of hot water. This time, he wouldn't share that tub with her and just popped a quick kiss on Mac's lips and closed the door behind him.

She was alone and suspected he was likely outside hammering away at the logs of wood that seemed to be a kind of therapy for him. Relaxing wasn't going to happen anytime soon, she realized. Mac's mind wouldn't stop running.

Not that it was unpleasant thoughts, far from it! She recalled a silly conversation about her grooming habits mainly him questioning why she kept waxing appointments.

Mac had almost laughed when his face distorted and cringed. "You wax?"

"Yes."

His brow rose and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Yourself?" The cringe amplified and she could only imagine what kind of crazy thoughts could be running through his mind.

"No. I go somewhere."

That had him putting his cup of coffee down on the table and sliding his chair back. His cringe turned into a scowl and for the life of her she never imagined this topic would need such a long conversation. "You go somewhere? And someone sees your...umm you...naked?"

She laughed because he made it sound like something tawdry. "It's a salon. A woman does it and it's very professional. Almost like going to the doctor." She proposed and though the scowl lessened the cringe was still there.

"Why go through the trouble? You have those girly, pink razors at home."

Now that made her cringe. "Razor Burn. You know when your razor is not as sharp and you get those little bumps on your face? Imagine them down there, brushing against your underwear all day. They can get infected, no matter how clean you are and can be painful." Which was the reason why she never went back to shaving.

"I still don't understand."

She sighed heavily and gave him the one response that would end this line of questioning. "It's a girl thing."

She smiled at the memory, silly as it was. But it had been the truth. Mac always kept her body a certain way both by choice and by need. As a military officer she led by example. As a female military officer, she needed to be as strong as the men and just as ready to fight. She hated feeling this weak.

And yes, pathetically she hated how she looked naked. Not that she was dirty or unkept, it just wasn't to her standards so why would it be to his?

Wearing only her robe, Mac came out of the bathroom a half an hour later to find Harm in the kitchen washing dishes. She stood and watched him for a moment and then the overwhelming need to touch him overcame her. She stepped up to him, her arms circling his waist from behind and her head came to rest against the center of his back. She hugged him to her, felt the warmth of his body soothe her concerns.

Harm rinsed his hands and shut off the faucet. He dried himself on a kitchen towel and then brought his arms against Mac's. He tensed when she pressed a kiss on the center of his back and held on a moment longer before turning in her arms. There was a look she gave him undeniable and alluring and in the span of a heartbeat everything finally clicked into place.

"I want to kiss you." He said suddenly his eyes descended to her lips.

Mac stared up at him and couldn't help the smile. He looked so sexy and serious at once and her heart fluttered when he pulled her closer. "Permission granted."

It was a soft and tentative kiss, a soft brushing of his lips over hers until Mac's arms came around his neck. She leaned into him, soft feminine curves meeting the hard, male planes of his body. She tasted so good and for the life of him Harm could never recall anything sweeter than when her tongue met his.

When they broke apart his forehead rested against hers and he sighed heavily. "Christmas Eve. Do you remember?"

Just the same scene had happened between them after which they'd gone back to her apartment and he spent the night making love to her only to propose the following day. "Do you remember being at Bud and Harriet's? Us kissing, really kissing for the first time."

Mac closed her eyes and felt those memories flip through her mind like pages from a photobook. She did remember the apprehension which turned to fear each time she called and he wouldn't return her messages. He was flying back with Tom Boone, hit a weather balloon and spawned events that would have him giving away his goldwings.

It was a life and death adventure and one that he went on without her. True, Mac wouldn't have been on the fighter jet, she hated those things and kept as far away as possible. But life and death adventures required a partner and she was his. "I was so scared and when you showed up part of me wanted to kiss you and the other wanted to smack you senseless."

He chuckled. "Instead you kissed me and agreed to marry me."

"What got into you that night? We spent years keeping away from each other, why then?"

"When I hit that balloon all I could think of was a year before that, crashing into the Atlantic and you. What if I never got a chance to tell you what I felt? What if I died and you never knew?"

She didn't want to think about him dying, he'd come so close too many times. Mac could still see him getting shot, the blow to chest that she believed had taken him from her. "Mac? What are you thinking of?"

Her hand came to his chest right over the bullet wound. He almost died. He almost died for her, to save her. "I'd give my life to go back and never leave you and save us before it's too late... My mind has so many holes and gaps and I just am so lost. I don't wanna be lost anymore."

Mac's hand took his pulling him out of the kitchen and he was helpless to do anything but follow. She led him to the bedroom, closing the door behind them.

"Mac? What…"

"Make love to me." She said and her voice left no room to question her intentions. "I want you, Harm. I want to give myself to you again. I want to remember what it's like to be in your arms. Make love to me."

Harm kissed her. Without asking, without reservations he kissed her and she melted into him when he did. He let her set the pace, let her touch him first and one of her hands reached beneath his shirt to skim across his navel. It made his muscles contract and his body shook especially when her fingers skimmed under the waistband of his jeans. "Sarah, are you sure?"

"Yes." His hands went to the cinch that closed her bathrobe taking the ends to pull it loose. He didn't immediately pull it off her body but her breath caught anyway as a warm palm parted the fabric to touch the swell of her hip.

"Is this okay?" Harm's voice was thick and she heard him swallow hard that control of his keeping him from taking too much too quick. She nodded and so he slipped his other hand beneath the robe this time moving his fingers slowly up the flank of her body.

His touch made goosebumps raise across her body, just the light pressure that felt just as intimate as if he'd touched her elsewhere. It sent a lick of flame over her skin, a tightening within her body as those fingers barely moved along the swell of her breast.

Mac remembered this too, the times he'd been deliberately slow with her. A stark contrast to when they'd been wild and a little crazed reaching for eachother with reckless abandon. That had been enjoyable just the same but this time she saw the beads of sweat at his brow, the way he bit his lower lip when he barely touched her.

Harm was just as scared as she was, just as apprehensive and so he moved over her skin with a tentative touch. His own body ached for her to touch him, he was in such need for her it defied all logic. She sensed it as well and the hand that had stopped moving at the waist of his jeans slipped beneath his shirt over the blocky abs, the perfect peppering of hair that led a trail downward.

Mac could see the bulge straining for release and revealed that barely touching could do this to him. There was a power she held over Harm and always had, she understood that now and why it had been so hard for both of them to let go in the past. She brought his head down to hers, lips meeting lips in a slow, firey kiss that left her body tingling.

Her one good hand played with the buttons of his shirt, groaning at how slowly each one popped out of its eyelet when all she wanted was to see him. She needed to see him and when the shirt pooled to the ground her eyes immediately fixated on the patches of marred skin - remnants of the surgeries that saved his life.

Mac's lips came to the spot nearest his heart kissing gently the bulletwound that nearly took him from her forever. She never wanted to think about that again and so she actively shut down that memory concentrating only on healing him and herself in the process.

As she kissed his torso her hand followed the trail of hair downwards, a slow movement over his skin that forced a groan from his throat when she stopped at the button that closed his jeans. With a little more force, she popped that open as well and the sound of her pulling down the zipper tab sliced through the silence.

"I want to see you." She said, her own voice thickening with desire and maybe a little frustration. It was rather difficult to pull down the heavy material with just one hand and she cursed whatever accident kept her other hand bandaged. "I want to see you, Harm."

Instead he kissed her, slowly and sweetly his tongue sweeping along the seam of her lips but never entering her mouth. He took a step backward, toed off his sneakers and socks and then pushed down the jeans along with the boxers he wore until he was completely bare in front of her.

His body was stronger, bulkier packing on much more muscle than he had in the past. His biceps bulged even when his arms came down to his sides. His shoulders were so well defined she could trace each muscle even with just her eyes. The man had always taken care of himself and she'd always enjoyed how he filled out most clothes he wore. Now, he stole her breath.

Harm closed his eyes and kept himself so still. He felt her eyes on him, moving over his bare flesh like a lover's caress. She still wore that damned robe and it took all of his willpower to not strip it off of her, push her back into the bed and love her until the sun set and rose again.

But neither of them moved. He was terrified of going too fast and she was still apprehensive that he no longer loved the physical part of her. It was Mac who would finally take the lead reaching out to take his hand and place it on her breast. "I'm still scared you won't like what you see."

"Mac…"

"But, I want you to touch me. I want you to love me."

Harm's heart was beating so hard against his chest it felt like he just ran a marathon. He let her move his hand, directing how she wanted him to touch her until desire wouldn't let him hold back any longer. He uncovered her breast, pushed the terry material of the robe away and exposing it to his touch.

Her nipple hardened from the sudden coolness of the air and he brought his mouth down to the rigid, cinnamon peak suckling it into his mouth. Mac's fingers ran through the strands of his hair, her nails lightly raking across his skull as she held him to her.

Each pull of his mouth radiated across her body sending shocks of liquid heat through her veins. He left her breast damp and pulled away to suckle in such a slow, perfect rhythm she began to feel a familiar throbbing between her thighs.

Her hand took his guiding him down the length of her body to press against the very center of her. She gasped at his touch, pushed herself against him when just a light flick of his finger had her clutching him to stay upright.

Harm's mouth came away from her breast and claimed her lips instead, kissing her deeply and slowly. She moaned when his fingers moved against her, groaned when he took his hand away using it to pull her hips against him. His hardness pressed against her, twitching even though it only touched her abdomen. She loved that she could do that to him, make the stoic military man lose that finite control.

His hands shook as they cupped her six and began a tantalizing slow glide up her back sliding beneath that terrycloth robe. He scraped his nails up her spine, moved higher and then slowly back again all the while making love to her mouth with his own.

She was panting when he broke away from her, aching to have him claim her body and soul. The dizzying spell he'd woven around her had made her forget her self-conscious concerns and turned her into a wanton woman. His eyes held hers as those large hands carefully slid up her flank and finally...finally slipped the robe off her shoulders.

Harm didn't stop this one time out of fear that she would feel unworthy of him again. Instead he moved forward backing her up until Mac's legs hit the edge of the bed and she fell into the mattress. She slid to the middle and he followed crawling over until his body hovered over her own.

Warm hands slid up her legs, his touch feeling much like he was branding her for life. He was still moving slowly as his fingers raked over the tops of her thighs, so damned slow when his large palms slipped between her thighs and opened her to him.

It was unexpected, when Harm dropped between her legs and claimed her with his mouth. He didn't give her the chance to stop him or protest and simply drank of her like a fine wine. He held her down with one arm as her hips came off the mattress, curved his hold around her hips to pull her closer as he mercilessly brought her over the edge.

Mac's head was rocking back and forth against the pillows, the familiarity of having him love her his way brought tears to her eyes. She cried for him, pushed herself against his mouth, begged for him, yearned so much to have him inside of her.

Behind closed eyes she saw stars, little explosions from tightening her body when his tongue pierced her. "Harm!" His name was a savage scream that tore out of her throat.

She was panting hard when he finally let her go and shifted up to his knees. His heavy body settling between her parted thighs. Harm's lips moved up her body pressing soft kisses over skin that was covered with beads of sweat. Every sweep of his tongue over her was the sweetest aphrodisiac. He wanted to taste every bit of her, nibble on spots he remembered would make Mac quiver for him.

She tasted herself on his mouth when his lips finally reached hers in a kiss that was deeply intense. His hands moved over her body to the swell of her breast, grasping at the curves of her hips, moving lower and lower as his big body lay nestled between her thighs. "I love you, Sarah. I'll never stop loving you."

Harm was well endowed, she remembered and their first time had left her sore but pleasured. She yearned to feel that ache again that only good loving from this man could give her. All of her past lovers had been put to shame the second she felt Harm penetrate her.

He was kissing her again, lips moving down to her collar but the lower half of his body simply glided over her slick folds. She whimpered his name, raised her hips in effort to feel them within.

"Oh!" Mac gasped and her body went rigid slowly accepting his length.

He throbbed within her, became so much harder as the velvet smoothness of her sex wrapped around him. "Oh, Mac." Tears stung the corner of his eyes as they finally joined body and soul. His heart raced against hers and all Harm could do was remain still and feel her caressing him from within.

They were good together, always had been and laying with her had a much more profound significance than just sex. He'd been with enough women to know the difference because on that Christmas Eve when they first became lovers, it joined them for life.

He balanced on his forearms and let her set the pace, a sweet, slow dance where she pushed into him. Mac wrapped around him, legs low on his waist so that her heels scrapped the back of his thighs. Her arms hugged him to her feeling the delicious weight of his body crushing her breasts as his hips pushed forward and Harm was fully sheathed by her.

Mac's warm depths wrapped tightly around him and Harm held his breath when he pulled out and pushed his hips forward. Lord, she was sweet, much too sweet for him and he thanked the Universe that he was lucky enough to love her again.

She countered his movements, slow and deliberate as they were until the passion was so overwhelming it had her crying out Harm's name, moaning when he raised her hips higher and she took him even deeper.

Harm ground his pelvis against hers, pulsating thrusts slowly to tantalizing circular movements that drove her mad with need. He built the pressure deep within her, the familiar feel of impending release so spectacular; it was something Mac hadn't felt for such a long time and desperately yearned for.

She cried his name over and over as each of the fevered actions of his body made her shutter around him. Mac was nothing more than a quivering mess, begging for him to end the ache that began to build the moment his mouth touched her breast almost an hour earlier.

"Harm...Ohhhhh...Mmm."

He couldn't keep control of his body anymore. The way she gripped and released him as she came made Harm spill himself into her with a strangled cry. He emptied himself into her collapsing over her lithe figure because he was just too exhausted to hold himself up.

Harm might have been happy and had a right to be but his mind brought about ugly images of the pleasant dreams he would awake from. How many times had he dreamt of them? He'd lost count kx the sweet dreams where he made love to her only to wake in an empty bed.

And so he didn't open his eyes just kept them closed and prayed. "Sarah...Please. Please be real. Please be real."

He hadn't realized he spot outloud until he felt her hand on his back and her soothing touch brought him back. "I'm here." Harm heard her say and when his eyes opened and he came up to look at her, he nearly cried. Her face was flushed, her eyes brimmed with tears. The hands that were once caressing his back now touched his face. "I'm here. I'm real, my love."

Their bodies were still joined when she pulled him back down, letting his head fall onto her shoulder as he wept.

Mac's body was between his parted thighs, her back resting against his chest as they sat in the warm water sharing the rub. Neither had spoken much since he pulled out of her, she suspected he wanted to ignore whatever broke him down.

She'd seen him cry before and even comforted him but whatever happened tonight felt much more profound. Mac was actually scared to breach the subject and have him bhild up the walls she knew he erected to keep his emotions in check.

Those walls were a reason why they ended up in their preskcafmenr: Harm arrested and her willingly joining Spookboy just to get away. But she wouldn't have to ask because he needed her to know. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so emotional."

It wasn't like him and yet, it was so endearing to feel him surrender his everything. "What happened to you?"

"I was in a coma for months after I got shot and I never wanted to come out of it."

"Why?"

Harm sighed and the arm that was wrapped around her waist tight end. "You were there, Mac. You were there in dreams that felt so real I would have sold my soul to never wake up from them."

Even after he was healed the dreams haunted him, turning into waking nightmares when he found he was still alone. "I loved you. I knew that but, I don't think I realized how deep it ran until the dreams wouldn't stop." They were together there and nowhere else. "I had to drink to keep them away and I didn't want that because I knew how disappointed you'd be."

She didn't know what to say, he'd always been so strong and it broke her heart to know part of that strength had cracked. "I've been there before. I'm not disappointed in you, I could never be. I love you too much and always will."

Mac turned in his arms enough so that she could look him in the eye. "How can I take away that pain you're carrying?"

His pain? She was worried about his pain. Not the memories that came and went. Not the swatches of life that were completely missing. Mac was worried about him. His hand caressed her face, fingers lightly stroking over Mac's cheeks. "You're doing it." And then he kissed her.