Thank you for the reviews - I have enjoyed writing this story. Yes, the shoe had to drop but they had to get through this part too.
There's still a lot of story to go and no, Farid will not find Harm and Mac in their "safe" place. But if you're curious on what he's been up to that is coming soon I believe.
And an old friend of Harm and Mac's will make an appearance. :)
I think these conversations between them are believable although painful. How do you tell your husband the hell you've been through? How do you tell him that a part of you may have fallen in love with someone else? Why did she get that way? Mac actually doesn't know, she can't remember that part but, it's coming soon. :)
Chapter 22 - Whatever We Started
Mac sat at one end of the sofa with her legs under her, reaching up to grab the steaming mug of cocoa that Harm offered. "Thank you." He made it just how she liked it, even tossed in an abnormal amount of those teeny marshmallows so that they almost fell off the sides. Despite the heavy emotional weight surrounding them, she had to smile.
It was those sweet little touches that made her fall for him even when they were 'just friends.' A Snickers bar left on her keyboard when she had a rough case. The expensive coffee from across town when he knew she was upset with him. Before Mic came along he would have her bring the Corvette over for oil changes and maintenance, friendly gestures that she now realized were anything but. Those details meant something to him, it was a way to express his affections when Harm wasn't ready to say the words.
He now sat opposite her, fighting the urge to touch, to kiss, to wrap Mac in his arms in hopes that his affections would reduce the fallout. Instead, Harm eyed her over the brim of his mug and winced when the hot liquid burned his throat. He suspected she was stalling or was unsure how to continue. Maybe Mac had been right about stopping her confession? When he glanced down at their ongoing Scrabble board he found she'd added another word. 'Ashamed'
It made his heart drop to the pit of his stomach and the chocolatey drink meant to comfort was now unpalatable. He felt trapped with no end in sight to the line of pain that Mac had endured. Three years of it that unrivaled his own and what hurt the most was that he didn't know how to heal her. Her eyes would briefly meet his and then glance back into the mug. She sighed and it was heavy and heartbreaking.
Harm didn't know that memories kept filling her mind like a river that had been dammed and was on the verge of an overflow. God knew she didn't want to be the cause for another breakdown; seeing him cry had made her feel so desperate and yet, he was the one that finally spoke again to slice the unbearable silence between them.
"Intel said Farid had three wives. Where did you...uh, where did Nazanin fit in?"
She sighed and was mildly annoyed to find she/Nazanin actually felt hurt over Farid's infidelity. One wife and then another, neither of which he treated well. Mac supposed that she should be thankful as Farid's interests in the other two gave her a little more freedom, her cage was bigger and gilded. He knew she was upset which meant that Farid would shower her with tokens, gifts and even allowed her to take up drawing. Little things meant to appease.
"I think he genuinely loved Nazanin to some degree. The other two women were his play things… Although 'play' is probably the wrong word...He was awful to them." The screams replayed in the back of her mind; how they echoed across the halls as Farid beat his wives or forced sex that came with more beatings. Mac wanted to forget that; all of that but suddenly it was forefront in her mind and there was no way around the fact that she was the one that suffered less. "Everything he never did to me, he did to them. Beat them, raped them and they were so stupid that they wanted his affection and hated me because I was treated with a form of compassion."
She was more of a mother than a sister-wife; a caretaker that neither of them deserved. "I would clean them up. Wash their clothes and patch the cuts and bruises. I would run baths with oils that would heal the tears…The water ran pink from the blood." Cringing, she took a sip of cocoa and let the warmth marginally soothe her. There was so much more like hearing the youngest wife whimpering because Fardid had squeezed her throat so hard she couldn't even speak. "He abused them both and they went back to him each time knowing what he would do."
"Why would anyone want a man like that?"
Mac shrugged and glanced down at the word she'd spelled. 'Ashamed.' The word fit her well because Nazanin was different, special to him to the point that she wanted those affections just as much as the other two. Even now, part of her wondered why he needed another, wasn't she enough? "I still loved him. I knew what he did, I saw the aftermath but I still begged for him to come to me and it hurt when he didn't."
Harm's jaw clenched. He didn't want to think of her wanting another or begging to be loved. Farid was a bastard and a fool, no other woman should have taken Mac's place and yet, he was relieved. Such an odd mix to feel relief and pained all at once. He sat quietly listening while Mac detailed her relationship with Farid after he took on his third wife. Nazanin became more of a confidant, an advisor when dealing with situations presented like his father's position in government being transferred to him. "He called me his 'favorite', his love. 'Sweet Nazanin' was his term of endearment...It appeased some of my...of Nazanin's resentment."
One decision changed Farid's treatment of her. He became increasingly agitated and hurtful. Had Harm not rescued her when he did, Farid would have raped her, Mac knew. He'd been calloused enough to tell her that she'd be taken by force if not desiring his advancement.
It made her skin crawl and she rubbed a hand over the burn scars on her other arm to stop the sudden chill. "He wasn't as cruel to me as the others but...if you hadn't come for me when you did that would've changed...I think...I know, he would have raped me."
That was the price for her betrayal as was his beating her in the streets of Paris the night Harm initially found her. If she hadn't wronged Farid, her life would have remained the same - mundane, used only when he desired a different type of consort. She glanced up at Harm to find the grip on his mug was making his knuckles white, the set of his jaw was so tight she could hear his teeth grind. "You're nothing like him and I hate it...I hate that she felt something for Farid when I had you."
"Nazanin didn't know about me." And from the time that he had interacted with her, it was clear but she had been groomed to be afraid of Americans. Nazanin regarded him harshly despite Harm's attempts to be gentle. "How does it work? In your mind, I mean. Are you Sarah or Nazanin or both?"
Was the part that was still Nazanin defending Farid while Mac fought against it? The terror Harm felt upon thinking that Nazanin could return was immeasurable. He couldn't stand the thought of starting over again and teaching a woman that didn't know him how to trust. Would she beg for a return to Farid? "I want to understand."
"I'm me. My memories are mostly intact." She remembered her life from about three years of age, details like trips to the zoo with her grandmother. All her memories of Sarah MacKenzie remained as if nothing had happened except they ended in Paraguay. Those were memories Mac wished to forget: the sounds of Clay screaming, the execution of the two missionaries. Harm. She could still see the bullets slicing through him; that one shot to the chest when she believed he had died.
"Do you remember when I proposed?"
His question snapped her out of those dark thoughts, the ones that likely forced that blank slate in her mind. She took a sip of the cocoa and eyed him over the brim. "I do. I honestly thought you'd lost your mind."
"I think I did for a moment. My heart stopped when you said yes."
"Mine did too. It was a helluva Christmas present, sailor."
"Do you regret marrying me?" Was she ashamed that they did in such secrecy? He should have resigned his commission then and there, taken on the dozen or so jobs in Washington that would keep him in the Navy but away from fraternization laws.
"No. I don't regret it. I was happy. I thought you were too."
"I was and if I could go back and change things I would."
"I know." She reached across and touched his knee, squeezing reassuringly. "I knew that our first year together was gonna be chaotic. Fun; but chaotic. You lived alone for so long that being with someone like that was going to be an adjustment…" She expected the bumps; many of them because two head-strong people would likely fight more often than not. "I figured everything would settle and I'd be pregnant with your baby."
"Our five year plan." That had long passed but he was willing to try if she wanted to. Harm needed to touch her; the feeling was so overwhelming but when he reached across to grab her hand, Mac pulled away. He saw the tears spilling freely from her eyes and his reassurances that they still had time were met with even more tears. "It's okay.
"No. No it's not." A hand dropped to her belly and another memory she wished would disappear assaulted her senses. It made the room spin and Mac closed her eyes to stop the nausea but behind closed eyes an act played out that she wished to erase from her mind. Deep in the belly of the mansion she lay on a makeshift table set inside the damp wine cellar. Her screams were muffled, her body held down while she actively allowed her baby to be torn from her body.
It was an act of mercy, Nazanin told herself as did Neda, the woman who tended to her much like a servant. That had been months ago when she agreed that a crude abortion would save her daughter from a life no woman should live. Instinct told Nazanin she carried a girl; fear had her willinging set forth such a traumatic act. "He had the others but, occasionally, we'd have sex. I wanted it...Nazanin wanted it because she thought it would bring him back to her. He wasn't rough, he didn't force me. Eventually...I got pregnant."
"Oh." Harm guessed that might have happened but hearing her say it sent a lancing pain through his heart. He pressed a palm against his chest, digging in his fingers to a patch just above the bullet to ease the ache.
Mac had a child.
She had a child with another man and that kind of pain was unbearable.
The urge to run was paramount and the walls of the cabin felt like they were closing in on him. He wanted to fight the world for what had been done to her as it was he could barely remain still any longer and so he downed the rest of the cocoa and placed the mug on the edge of the table with a little more force that needed. "Boy or girl?"
"Girl."
The strain of her voice sent a fresh slice of pain through him. When Harm ripped her away from Farid it was for selfish reasons. She was his and his alone, a claim he laid in this very town years earlier. He never considered what other lives he could damage like the innocent he assumed was left motherless because he'd stripped Mac from her child. "I'm sorry...Intel never mentioned you had a baby. I promise you, I swear it that I'll do everything to bring her back to you."
"There isn't a baby.. She's gone." She spoke so softly Harm was sure he mistook her words.
"Gone? Where?"
"I had an abortion." Mac blurted out as Nazanin's guilt was eating her alive. No compartmentalization could change the fact that she killed her baby girl. "It was in the middle of the night, in the cellar. It hurt, it hurt so bad and it was so crude but, I knew what would happen to her. She'd be taken away from me and maybe sold or killed. She would never be mine and I wasn't going to let him hurt her."
Harm took a quick glance at the game board. 'Ashamed.' The word was blaring at him like a neon sign because it made sense now, Mac had many reasons to feel that way. "I don't know what to say to you... 'I'm sorry' sounds so...pathetic."
She bit her lower lip and took a shaky breath. "I may never be able to have your baby...There was a lot of damage and I had to be taken to the hospital to stop the infection." She wasn't even healed when Farid had forced her to vacation in Paris and the kicks to her abdomen unleashed a pain Mac was sure should have killed her. "You should run while you can...You don't deserve this."
"Goddamnit, Mac stop! Just...just stop." Harm needed to touch her, to comfort and hold Mac. He desperately pulled her into his arms without resistance. Her head came to his shoulder, tears soaking the shirt he wore until there was nothing left but ugly sobs that eventually calmed. Hours could have passed but there was little else he could do but hold on tight and share in her pain and grief. "I want a baby with you, I want to try but if it's one kid or ten kids or just you and me, it won't change what I feel for you."
"You mean that?"
"You know I do." He thought of how Mac's daughter would have looked - a miniature version of his Marine with olive colored skin and amber eyes. Better yet, Mac's looks with his eyes and their daughter would have been perfect. So perfect. "I would have loved your daughter, Mac. I would have cared for her like she was my own; it didn't matter who the father was. She would have been ours and she would have been so loved."
His affirmation shouldn't have been a surprise, even the old Harm would have cared for any child of hers. But to hear him say the words made her breath catch. She sat back and looked at him. His eyes had taken an intense blue color and they bore straight into her soul. "I told you I'm married to another man that I was pregnant with his child. And you're still here...You haven't run away...I don't deserve you."
"I want to run." He said softly. "I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I want to slam my fist through every wall in this place and not stop until I collapse from exhaustion." Harm admitted and it still gnawed at him that Mac claimed to love Farid in some fashion, he didn't want to entertain those thoughts because it only served to anger him more. "I hate that I can't do a damned thing about you loving him."
He was fighting back tears, Mac knew and when her hands gently came up to brush over his cheeks, one finally spilled free. "Do you think you could have fallen for her? For Nazanin?"
"Anything is possible but, I'm in love with Sarah MacKenzie and the guilt would have eaten me alive."
"And if I never remembered?"
"I don't know...I want to think I'd give you up, I told myself I would." But it wouldn't be fair to keep her locked up in a place Nazanin never wanted to be. "I'm not sure what you want me to tell you."
"Ask me who I am." Mac said and a gentle smile curved on her lips.
"Who are you?"
Her lips brushed against his, not stopping the pain between them but healing it somewhat. She felt his arms wrap tightly around her and the beating of his heart hammer harder against his chest. "Your wife...We always find our way back to one another, don't we?"
"Yes." Despite multiple lovers and odds that often seemed insurmountable, she was right - it always came back to the two of them. "Mac, I'm still arrogant. I'm still a jerk and I still get obsessed." Reaching the Scrabble board he plucked a few tiles and used the 'D' in 'Ashamed' to spell 'Devoted.' "But we can't stop whatever we started."
"Devoted." The word made her smile, the real genuine kind that he'd always loved dragging from her. So many significant others had come and gone in so many years and she always found her way back to him. Maybe this was finally the forever that Harm promised when he put his ring on her finger. "I don't love Farid anymore." She said and deep inside, Mac knew that Nazanin never did either.