Sorry if the formatting is off. Writing on the phone sucks sometimes. ;-)

Chapter 43 -Limbo

"Hey good lookin' how did your day go?" She looked exhausted, Harm noticed. Mac's face was sullen, her eyes had dark circles under them and she merely dropped her briefcase by the door other than putting it away.

Mac practically dragged herself to the sofa and collapsed next to him with a heavy sigh. "You didn't tell me you were reviewing Caroline's cases."

Like the ones strewn across the coffee table or the folder in his hand. He honestly didn't think the Commander was involved in so many cases, he certainly hadn't been up against her much at all. "I was told not to say a word. But now that you're in the know, you don't think these will be overturned, do you?"

"She had a few murder trials, one where a Marine is still on death row. I honestly don't want to think about an innocent that shouldn't be locked up and a bastard that could be set free...It's insane, all of it."

"Did it surprise you?"

"No." Given how Imes nearly botched Harm's murder trial, it wasn't surprising. "Shocking is more like it. Doesn't the Navy check?"

Harm shrugged, he honestly didn't know what to make of any of it. "I have theories, none of them favorable for Caroline." She was a good looking woman who flirted too much, it wasn't difficult to imagine Caroline Imes sleeping her way to the top.

"I had the same thought." Mac dropped her head to his shoulder and dropped a soft kiss on his neck. "I secured early and went to Langley."

"To see Eugenia?" He expected she would go although not quite so soon. When he turned towards her, Harm saw a darkness in her eyes, a sadness and his gut twisted. She knew.

Of course Mac would ask about his status and Chegwidden had been clear what his role at JAG was now - a civilian offering assistance on past cases. There was no way back for him, not to JAG and if the review board had their way, the NAVY would soon be a distant memory.

"Today didn't go as planned."

"I suspect Chegwidden told you."

She nodded and shifted her body so that they faced one another. Harm didn't seem remorseful at his lie of omission, he didn't seem anything but ambivalent. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You wanted to go back. You needed to go back and I was afraid you wouldn't if you knew."

He was right, she wouldn't have gone back without him. "So the review board?"

"I'm done, Mac. Done with that life. Done with the Navy. If the review board allows me to keep my commission, I'm leaving anyway. Maybe I'll consider being a reservist while I figure things out."

She studied his expression, searched for a sign, waver, anything that showed discontent. There was none, just a gentle grin and eyes that lit the room. Harm wanted this, she saw and yet the pang of guilt, the circumstances which led to this made her sad. "It won't be the same without you there. I don't want to be there without you in the office next to mine."

"They weren't gonna let us serve together if we're married. And I'm not losing this." He took her hand and brought it up to his lips kissing the palm, once, twice. His lips lingered while his eyes met hers. "I love you."

"I love you too…Part of me wants to yell at you, whack you over the head and the other…"

"The other?"

"The other part of me wants to thank you and love you and…" He watched while she stood, raised up her skirt and carefully settled into his lap, her knees on either side of him. Mac's lips eagerly claimed his turning the kiss heated and passionate.

"Take me to bed." She whispered when kisses trailed to his neck and the shell of his ear. "I want you."

"Mac, I think we should wait."

She was halfway done pulling his shirt off, part of it hung off one shoulder when Mac stopped and stared at him. "Wait? Wait for what?"

"So you can marry me." Harm said, as if it was the most common conversation between an already married couple. His brown rose as she sat back and stared at him.

"Did I miss something? Aren't we married?"

"We are and that didn't come out correctly. Will you, Sarah MacKenzie, marry me again?" He would have gotten down on one knee if she wasn't still sitting on top of him. Harm even toyed with getting her a ring but, that was a bit overkill he thought. What he didn't expect was a negative response, a big fat 'no' that had him glaring at her as if she'd lost her mind. "No? What do you mean 'no'?"

He was insulted and it was actually quite cute to hear. Equally amusing was the frown he now wore, one that she tried to kiss away only to be held back. "Woah, don't you want a big ceremony? Friends? Family? Big reception, first dances and feeding each other wedding cake?"

Wasn't that what all girls wanted? Or whatever the hell happened in weddings that was sappy and cliche. He'd give it to her, he'd give her the World if Mac wanted. "With Mic, I remember you stressing about the band, the caterer, the wedding venue the-"

"His idea, not mine. Didn't you like our little wedding?"

He did, the intimacy of the location, the lack of a big group of guests made it so unique. He loved having her to himself and not having to share Mac with hundreds of guests. "I did. Just me and you, Keeter may have been there but he disappeared after I said 'I do'...it was-"

"Perfect?"

"Yeah, perfect."

"I don't need more." Her arms came around him, her head dropping to Harm's shoulder. Mac smiled when she thought about their wedding, the simplicity which made everything so perfect. "I loved seeing you for the first time when I walked down the aisle. I loved that you weren't in uniform. I loved that little church."

Mac's lips pressed barely-there kisses against his neck, following a trail across his jaw and stopping on the corner of his mouth. "I loved our honeymoon at the cabin."

"I owe you a honeymoon on a tropical island, the warm beach." He was popping the buttons of her blouse, slowly slipping each out of their eyelet while he spoke. "You in a bikini...or less."

"I could be persuaded to enjoy a tropical vacation but. I don't need that either. I love our cabin. I love watching you chop wood to keep us warm. It's sexy."

"Sexy, huh?"

"Oh yes...very very sexy."

"I just think you deserve more…" His hands stopped and dropped down to the sofa. "After everything...I want you to be happy. I have to make you happy."

"You do." Mac brought her hands to his face, her thumbs gently stroking over his cheeks. He had shaved earlier and his skin was soft. He smelled good and intoxicating, it was lovely.

"I'm an outdoor girl, Harm. Did you forget I spent years camping at Red Rock with Uncle Matt?" And it was not just the overnight trips to find ichnites, Mac hiked, ran trails and rather enjoyed the peace of being out with nature just as much as she enjoyed a five star hotel. "And I decided on something."

"What?"

She swallowed hard, if not a little apprehensive about a desire that appeared out of nowhere. Mac had a second chance at life and she would take it by the horns to break through past fears. "Can you teach me to fly someday?"

Her question was shocking, as much as Mac hated planes he resigned himself to never seeing her in an airfield ever again. Their track record with planes wasn't exactly stellar, most of his mishaps and hiccups happened when Mac was in the passenger seat. "You're serious?"

"I am. I want to live, really live. Will you teach me?"

"Of course. I'd love to."

"Good." She began to tug at his shirt enough so that Harm moved enough to help her take it off so that she could run her hands, unencumbered over his chest. The soft, springy hairs tickled her palms when her fingertips followed the line his scars had left. This was a memory that would never leave her mind, watching him get shot.

"Hey. It's okay." Harm's palm covered her own when he pressed it against his chest at the sight of where the bullet sliced through his chest. His heart beat strong and steady and there was no pain left anymore. "My heart still beats. I'm still here."

"I wish I could take this away."

"I don't want that. The scars are a daily reminder of everything we lost, I won't go through that again." Although he would have prefered some other comeuppance, Harm was a man who learned the hard way.

The hands that had stopped moving were on her body again, pulling aside her blouse so that his hands found bare skin. Harm traced beneath her breasts, following the hem of her bra over Mac's rib cage and around the back until he found the clasp. "I miss stripping you out of this uniform, taking the warrior out of her armor."

He leaned forward so that he caught a nipple in his mouth once her breasts were uncovered. Her breath hitched at the contact, her hands ran through his hair gently tugging the strands. She could have come right there, grinding against him as it was his gentle suckling that was driving her mad with need.

"Ask me who I am." She said when he stopped to kiss her lips and his forehead pressed against hers.

"Who are you?"

"Your wife. And your wife doesn't want to wait. And your wife doesn't want to spend another night without you. We have nearly four years to make up for."

"Then I better make this one count...I won't be gentle." He was far too turned on, too hard, too desperate to take things slow. He was also healed enough to take control.

"I don't want gentle, I want good."

Harm stood, his new found strength allowing to lift although his low back protested slightly. "Baby, I'll have you screaming my name."

"Promise?"

"Oorah." He kissed her, walked them across the apartment and dropped a laughing Mac to the center of their bed.

It had been three days since she returned to work. Three whole days and for the life of him, Harm could not find anything to keep him entertained.

He stood in the center of the living room, hands on his hips while studying every last piece of furniture. The faint smell of cleaning chemicals still hung in the air and he was currently diffusing oils that made the apartment smell like apples and cinnamon.

He cleaned once he got back from his run and then cleaned again out of boredom. Healing was one thing, when he was much too sidelined to move, never mind going to work. But this inaction had him chomping at the bit. For better or worse, he was now a housewife - waiting for the fate of the review board to either extend an olive branch or terminate him completely.

As much as he wanted and needed the clean break, it was still sad. His childhood ambitions were over but he didn't want to follow in his father's footsteps anymore either. He'd make his own way, somehow. But this limbo was killing him.

His body was getting stronger, hours spent at the gym had rehabbed his shoulder and the slight muscle tone he'd lost. His cardio was better, running was still difficult but Harm took far less walk breaks. He was ready for the next phase of his life and only prayed it wouldn't take him away from Washington or her.

Harm grinned as he looked down at the coffee table and the scrabble board settled in the middle. She left him a message, the word 'Sexy' ran straight down the middle. He laughed, happy that their flirting and banter with words had returned.

It made him remember the first time they played the game, years ago when he was bored at home nursing a small tear in his ankle after rescuing Mac from Frank Coster.

The knocking on the door was incessant and Harm groaned as he stood and hobbled towards the door. He didn't bother to check the peephole, the faint smell of Mac's perfume wafted in through the gap beneath the door.

"Hey partner." When he opened she walked in holding a rather large bag that she hefted in and placed by the coffee table.

"Hi."

"How you feeling?" She asked, noting he was still walking gingerly on the ankle as he made his way back to the sofa.

"It's a sprain, I'm fine." But he wasn't 'fine' and it was noticeable in the way he winced when Harm placed his foot back on the coffee table.

Mac stood over him, seeing the ugly bruise on his ankle and the melting bag of ice on his floor. He stared at her with a goofy expression that made her sigh. "You're not fine, you're hurting. Sprains don't just heal overnight, you know? It takes a fee weeks."

"Thank you Dr. MacKenzie and I'm fine. Being stuck at home is what hurts. Do you know that Chegwidden kicked me out before I could prove I was fit for duty?" He snorted and tossed the book he was reading onto the coffee table.

"It's bullshit. I'm a fighter pilot, I know what it is to get knocked around."

"I'm sure you do but, you don't want it getting worse, do you?"

Harm rolled his eyes, knowing she had a point but refusing to admit it as per usual. He stared at her for a moment wondering why Chegwidden hadn't sent her packing as well. As far as he knew, Mac never took a day off, just muscled on like a good Marine. That both impressed and irritated him. "How are you still there anyway? Why aren't you grounded?"

"I wasn't injured."

"This isn't an injury, Major. It's a hiccup. I'm more than fit for duty. Besides, we're lawyers. It's not like I have to take on an O-Course at 0 dark thrity. What's the worst that could happen? I staple a finger?"

Mac laughed, "I'll have you know, Commander that stapling a finger isn't so great. We can't have the great Harmon Rabb hobbling around HQ can we?"

"Did you come here for something, Mac? Or you just busting my balls?"

"You know, I was laid up at home once, bullet to my thigh, bored as can be and this really sweet and charming sailor kept me company."

Her tone was a little flirty, her smile was infectious and Harm's rich laughter filled the silence. He had gone to visit her daily, bringing card games and Monopoly and making sure she had healthy things to eat. "You did good the first few days and then you were chomping at the bit."

"Exactly so I came to repay the favor." Mac pulled out a thin box from her bag along with a few snacks that she tossed at him. "I brought a game I think you'd be good at."

"A game?" He scrunched his nose while she set up a board with tiny, multicolored squares and tossed tiny wood tiles across the top. "Scrabble?"

"Yep. Perfect game for two litigators."

She had a point and he was in far too much pain to argue. Instead he took the wooden holder for the letters and arranged his tiles while Mac did the same. "You go first."

"Okay."

Harm sat back and watched her strategize and formulate different words that she interchanged behind the little holder. She bit her lower lip, pursed them as well and he thought it was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen. And then she finally made a word and he began to laugh. "That's not a real word."

"It is. Check."

He flipped through the small dictionary she tossed at him and found the word 'Crwth' which was a Celtic instrument similar to a violin. "Well it sounds weird."

She laughed and watched him fiddle with his own letters, trying to figure a way to reach the extra point squares. "You need to learn a little humility, flyboy."

"Yeah, yeah."

They played for half an hour teasing back and forth as more and more odd words appeared across the board. Mac won the first round but not by much and Harm vowed to get revenge. Throughout the game he was studying her, looking for those little nuances that made him a good investigator. There were circles under her eyes, a sign that she wasn't sleeping well. Mac's skin that always looked deliciously sun kissed was a little paler. She'd lost a little weight although she was still as beautiful as ever.

And Harm was concerned and a little terrified that she'd begun drinking again. "Are you okay? After everything...Coster, Dalton...Are you-How are you?"

"I'm not." She sighed and the shadows that fell over her face disappeared just as quickly. "But I will be. I went to AA for the first time in my life."

"You've never been before?"

"No. The Corps was my rehab and the weeks I spent in the hospital before Uncle Matt dragged me out to the desert."

"How was it?"

"Cathartic. I hate to admit that I felt better. I think I'll go back a few times."

He knew it was killing her to admit this to him. They were close, very close - best friends but they each had secrets to bury. "It may do you good."

"Does that male me weak?"

"No...it makes you strong."

Mac went back to rearranging tiles, trying to find the perfect word to trump him. She moved the pieces to and fro, pursing her lips and when she finally decided to play, her fingers dropped the tile back onto the holder. "Did I thank you? For...for everything?"

"You're welcome."

"Did I apologize?"

"Yes..three times." She did but Harm knew he needed to do same apologizing himself. Calling her a 'mean drunk' was uncalled for no matter how many hits she'd nailed. What drove him mad was the why. Why did a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend act so erratically? Why would she drink? He faintly remember her stating she was not in love with Dalton. "Did you love him?"

"No." Mac admitted and the weigh on her shoulders came off even as the guilt did not. "He wasn't the man I needed." Her gaze held his for a moment and Harm felt the temperature in the room rise.

These silent conversations between them had been growing in intensity. Yet they both managed to hide whatever feelings manifested the closer they got. It was no wonder it pained him to see her leave with Dalton as it did to spend weeks without her. Mac had woven her way into the fabric of his life and there was no way back.

He was jealous of Dalton, a sentiment that was more for lovers than friends but manifested itself from the start. If he wasn't the kind of man she needed then who was? "What kind of man do you need, Mac?"

She knew what she wanted, the man sitting across from her now but fear and duty would keep them apart. "I'll let you know when I figure it out...play, it's your turn."

They played Scrabble from time to time until Mic had taken Mac's heart from him and that heavy weight damaged their relationship. He was happy they took it up again and adored the little notes they left each other. "Sexy, huh?"

As he took the velvet bag and spilled the letter tiles onto the coffee table, he tried to formulate a good retort but a firm knock on the door stopped him.

Harm failed to look out the peephole and would never have opened the door for his uninvited guest had stoked the anger he thought he'd controlled. Knuckles turned white when his fist tightened around the doorknob and the man on the opposite side smiled. "Hello Commander."