My muse seems to be in a talkative mood again, so hopefully we'll see a few new chapters soon. I've bumped the rating up for swearing and possible sex scenes later. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ/GT

Chapter 11
Shortly after her father left for home, Pan sat quietly in the wilderness, soaking up the sounds of the cool forest. It's been so long since I've done this, she thought as she felt a deep peace envelop her. She'd often run off and hide in the woods when she was younger, a practice that frightened her parents until Goku trained her. After her parents were satisfied that she was in relatively little danger, she would frequently disappear from early morning until nightfall. The solitude spoke to a deep part of the young girl's soul.

It hadn't been possible for her to do this after the carnage of Li Shenron. Many of the animals were sick or underfed, and the natural world was no better off as disasters fed off each other in an endless cycle of destruction. Now that most of the people had moved back to the cities, the natural balance was returning. Pan had wept in horror as millions had died from the seemingly unstoppable plagues that had come after the defeat of the Shadow Dragons, but it was hard for her to hold on to that feeling as she felt the natural world around her growing back more magnificently than before. There were too many people before…

Pan didn't want to think about all of what she and the others had endured. Not only had they lost Goku to Li Shenron, but the wish they'd been hoping to make was never granted. Goku had asked for all the people killed to be returned…but what else could he do? Less than ten percent of the world's population was still alive. However, the wish was supposed to have been to restore the Earth's natural balance. Looks like the Earth did it herself, in her usual direct way. And to think Trunks was arrogant enough to believe that we could do it ourselves.

That was the core of the problem, in Pan's mind. Trunks is too optimistic. He thinks anything's possible. Pan knew the truth, now. Possible, yes. Doable, not always. Still, he managed to mitigate the damage this time. Two years was not two centuries. Trunks had almost single-handedly averted another dark age by risking everything Dr. Briefs had worked his entire life for. Without his willingness to put everything on the line at every turn, We'd probably be dead right now.

But he's risking it all again! Pan knew that luck only took you so far. If he goes by himself, it's only a matter of time before the Grim Reaper stops putting up with him being 'The one that got away.' The other Trunks had died in her dimension when Cell shot a blast clear through his chest. Goku died that day, too. Vegeta would have died if not for her dad. What a bad day in history, Pan thought musingly. Kinda on par with Vegeta and Nappa's first visit to Earth.

Pan's musing was interrupted by the shrieking of birds in the trees around her. What's got them so upset? Pan thought irritably as she shaded her eyes from the bright sunlight leaking though the forest canopy. It's not like they have anything to complain about…

Pan's eyes widened as she felt two massive powers in West City, both of which were familiar to her. She shuddered in awe at the combined power they were giving off. The ground beneath her rumbled as the power exceeded Super-Saiyan level three. What the hell are they doing!

Pan sat still, trying to feel the battle from where she was. Once, this had been difficult for her, but after more than a year of training with Vegeta she'd become more accustomed to feeling her opponent's movements than seeing them.

It was hard for her to sense what was going on in any great detail. They must be fighting in artificial gravity. Just as well, Pan thought wryly. Those idiots would probably shake the planet apart if they weren't.

Pan's fists were clenched in white-knuckled fear after she felt the battle end. It was clear that both of them were holding back, but even so their power was so far above hers that she wanted to alternately scream in frustration and cry in loss.

How will I EVER compete with them? Pan thought to herself, inwardly crying. I try so hard! I do everything they tell me! I have the will! Why won't the power come?

Pan was in an inner sea of loss. She'd never known such a deep well of depression existed. It seemed like all of her dreams of being a hero and being someone important were crumbling and washing away…like the sand castles she used to build during trips to the beach.

The tide would come in, and wash away all of my work…all of my dreams, all of my hopes...washed away. Mom would say that it meant that I could start fresh next time, and build something even better.

It's not that easy, mom.

Pan stared listlessly at the sky for over an hour, wondering how she ended up at this point in her life with nothing to look forward to and no major accomplishments ahead of her.

I've heard that seeing into the future is a curse…I think I see why now.

She absently reached into the backpack her dad left with her and took out a rice cake. She ate it without tasting it. After two bites she threw it at a tree as hard as she could. This is SO POINTLESS! She thought in impotent fury. I should have taken the hint during the hunt for the Black Star Dragonballs. I was useless then and I'm useless now! Tears of helpless rage leaked from her eyes.

"Are you going to sit there crying all day?" A harsh voice scolded her.

"Fuck off, Vegeta." Pan said without opening her eyes, her sharp words contrasting with her uncaring tone of voice.

"So, you have that much spirit left in you, at least." He spat off to the side. "Gohan told me you were a wreck, but I didn't believe him."

Pan was ill prepared to confront him. Vegeta always dug at her weak spots, both physically and emotionally, and she usually wore her brat persona as a counter to his constant badgering. Today she didn't care.

"So, did you have fun beating up Trunks?" Pan asked caustically.

She could almost feel Vegeta's wrath. After a pause in which she was sure he was going to hit her, he let out an angry breath. She cracked an eyelid to see the Saiyan Prince unusually upset. It was odd seeing him without his usual icy calm mask.

"He won the duel."

Pan's face screwed up in disbelief. "You let him win?"

He glared at her. "No, I didn't."

"Then why were you both holding back?"

Vegeta snorted. "We weren't. Where did you get that idea?"

"Well, for one thing, you're both still alive."

"That's no recommendation. 18 broke my arm, once." Vegeta's eyes held a distant rage. "I would much rather that she had killed me that day. I disgraced myself and our entire race by losing that battle."

"Why is everything I hear lately about you guys is that you failed at one thing or another? What about all the great victories you had? Your triumphs?"

Vegeta suddenly looked unnaturally calm. "What does your mother have to say about the past?"

Pan scrunched her eyes closed as she recalled the things her mother had said to her about her father and the others. She draw a fairly large blank. Mom never had much to say when Grandpa was telling stories. She was always so quiet…

"There weren't many victories, were there?" Pan replied softly.

Vegeta stared at the ground. "No, there weren't. Most of our victories were meaningless." When he looked at her, the glittering intensity of his dark eyes was almost frightening. "Do you know that when I went to Namek to stop Frieza from wishing himself immortal, I killed most of his soldiers? Not Kakarrot. Me."

"I killed Dodoria and Zarbon, Jeice and Ginyu. Each one I killed fueled my belief that I could overcome Frieza." Vegeta was shaking in fury. "Little did I know that I was wasting my time. Frieza was showing less than one percent of his power, and he was still stronger than all of his bodyguards in that state."

"Piccolo and I killed the two androids that showed up on the day Trunks warned us of. Four more showed up the same day. Cell and Buu were both mere steps away from destroying the entire universe. Bebi came this" He showed her a finger and a thumb almost touching "close to killing Kakarrot with my body. You know what happened with 17 and Li Shenron."

"You speak of great victories. More often than not, luck was simply on our side, for the moment, or great sacrifice was required. I see no great victories, only our continued survival, at great cost."

They were both quiet for a time. A light breeze occasionally ruffled the leaves of the tree Pan was laying down under.

"How did you go on, Vegeta?" Pan finally asked softly.

Vegeta looked up from the ground, and stared into the sky. "I was angry."

Pan glanced at him. "Anger led you to become a Super-Saiyan?"

Vegeta sat down and leaned against a tree across from her. His eyes were unfocused, seeing a past far out of reach to Pan. "When Kakarrot had apparently killed Frieza, He stole something that was very sacred to me." The Saiyan Prince's voice was soft, and lacked the cutting edge that seemed in some ways to define him. "All my life up until that point had been devoted to the goal of defeating Frieza. Everything I did that didn't help me toward my goal was wasted action."

"Worse, he had become a Super-Saiyan. I was raised to believe that potential was supposed to be strongest in those of royal blood. Kakarrot had surpassed me seemingly without effort, becoming the legend I was supposed to be. From then on I hated Kakarrot and Future Trunks for reaching a goal that I could not, but I was lying to myself and everyone else. The one I hated was me."

"The fury I felt toward myself and my weakness kept me alive and pursuing the goal, even when it seemed impossible. According to the legend, there could only be one Super-Saiyan. My temper and my pride wouldn't let me stop, even though it seemed impossible to surpass Kakarrot. In the end, it was not in vain. I did surpass him, if only briefly."

Pan let the words sink in, and turned them around in her mind idly. "So you're saying that it's never hopeless as long as you never give up? That's something I'd expect from Grandpa Goku."

Vegeta gave her an offhand glare. "Kakarrot wasn't a complete fool, but he was close, and that's not what I said. That time, it was possible. You should never give up on something you think is important, but never assume that you can do it."

Pan had a sly thought. "What about this time?" She threw out, trying to startle an answer out of him.

Vegeta smirked at her. "You really don't know, do you?" He asked, suddenly laughing in true amusement.

Pan frowned at him. "This isn't funny, Vegeta!"

"Oh, but it is," Vegeta said, looking pleased to have the upper hand with her. "You've been able to transform for years."

Pan just stared at him, open-mouthed. "What are you talking about?" She managed to say in a squeaky voice.

Vegeta somehow managed to look more pleased with himself. "You always wondered why you weren't a natural. Well, why aren't you?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Pan screamed at him in pure fury.

Vegeta chuckled. "That's why."

Pan forced herself to calm down, but she still didn't get it. "Why what?" She asked curiously.

"Why are you always so angry?" Vegeta asked. "When you were younger, you once fell asleep when I was holding you. What happened between then and now?"

Pan thought about it. "Trunks," She replied immediately.

"Please," Vegeta scoffed at her "If my son could do that to you, I would be far more afraid of him."

Pan frowned. "I started getting mad a lot when I started to go to school…"

"And…?"

"The kids and parents were afraid of me. When the bigger kids would bully the smaller ones, I'd beat them up. Mom and Dad got angry at me and told me not to hurt the other kids."

"How long did that go on?"

"It never stopped, but I was careful not to hurt my classmates too badly."

Vegeta smiled in triumph. "Now do you see?"

"No."

Vegeta started muttering to himself. Pan caught the words "Kakarrot" and "blockhead." She was pretty sure none of it was complimentary to her. Finally, he seemed to run out of swear words.

"Fine, I'll put it as plainly as I can. You were afraid of hurting someone, or you would have transformed around age six or seven. You've blocked yourself."

Pan spent an entire five minutes in denial.

He can't be right…I never wanted anything more than this!

Liar, Another voice in her head whispered. You wanted to be popular and accepted. You wanted people to like you. You didn't want them to think you were a freak.

A freak…

Is that what I think of Trunks and the others as? Freaks?

Pan found that thought unsettling. Have I really thought of Grandpa and the others as being…not human…because of their transformations?

She knew that logically, they weren't human, but she was beginning to realize that she didn't think of Super-Saiyans as people. They were…something else. Something that she didn't understand or want to have anything to do with. Vegeta's right, She thought numbly. She never knew such a dark place in her heart existed. I've been holding myself back because I don't want to transform. I don't want to be a monster like them!

She knew that what she was feeling wasn't fair though. The real monsters were the people that wanted to kill them, not her friends and family. Goku, Trunks and Vegeta aren't monsters. If I transform, I won't be one either. I'll be myself, just…more.

She had let other people's perceptions rule her. Vegeta had warned her about the power that the thoughts and words of others had, but she never really saw how it had impacted her. She had hardened her heart against her loved ones rather than trying to understand what it meant to be to be a Saiyan. She had transferred all the negative feeling to others and blamed them for the problems she was having fitting in with normal humans. Worst of all, she'd hated Trunks and Goten for having the power she refused to use.

"How did I ever end up here…?" Pan asked in a broken voice.

Vegeta stared at her with his piercing black eyes. "Now you know." He blew a long sigh. "I asked myself the same question on the day Gohan surpassed us all and destroyed Cell."

Pan began to weep, but stopped herself and wiped the tears from her eyes. "How do I do it?" She asked abruptly.

Vegeta's eyes shown with approval. "Just let it go. All of it."

Pan stared at him incredulously. "That's it?"

"That's all. Don't fight for a result, just let it happen."

Pan and Vegeta had flown to a clearing, and Pan stood in the center trying to find the calm within her she had given away so long ago. As she stretched her arms out, she tried to let go of all of the frustration and anger that had consumed her since she was five.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, swaying gently to music only she could hear. Waves…I can hear waves. And seagulls. I smell salt and sand…

She remembered when she was young and they all went to the beach. She remembered how peaceful everything was, how right the world felt. I had everything I needed. My mom, My dad, My grandpa…

As she opened her eyes, she knew something had changed. The world was a different place. Not a fearful place, but a place where anything was possible and adventures were just waiting for her. She felt herself floating off the ground, and twirling slowly in the air. I don't have to live in fear!

The transformation wasn't painful, or exhilarating, or even strange. Pan simply felt her skin tingle and her power rise, and as she looked at her right arm absently, she noticed that it was surrounded by a golden aura. She felt unnaturally calm but it was a familiar sensation, like coming home after a long time away.

Even lost in her sensations, Pan noticed Vegeta's look of quiet pride before he rose to leave. He pretends to be so mean, but he's helped me in a way even my dad or grandpa weren't able to. She let her power fade. "Vegeta!" She called after him. He turned to look at her. "I don't know how to thank you!"

Vegeta frowned at her. "Go with Trunks, and help him in any way that you can." He showed a rare moment of vulnerability in his eyes. "I won't demand this of you, but if you wish to thank me, do it in that way. Nothing means more to me than him."