Author: fraidy bat

Rating: T

Pairings: Olivia/Viola, Viola/Duke, Sebastian/Olivia

Summary: We see things from Olivia's POV, and all may not be well.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from She's the Man. None of it belongs to me.

Notes: Everyone stay calm. This could get messy. :)

Chapter 5

My room, my inner sanctum. I was almost there. The keys were in the lock, but I could practically feel in my bones that she was coming after me. The door was open, and I was in. I was ready to breathe again just as Viola practically threw herself against the door to keep me from closing it. I stumbled back as she came all the way in and shut the door behind her. I could only stare at her, waiting. I knew she was going to say something, and I was too exhausted to try and be conversational, so she would have to speak first.

It took her a little while to come up with words. Her expression was a mess of concern, surprise, and confusion. I probably looked like a deer in the headlights: paralyzed and terrified.

"Just—" she began slowly. "Just so we're clear, I did just hear you say that you and my brother broke up, right? I didn't hallucinate that?"

I nodded and thought about sitting down for this, but my feet were cemented to the floor.

"Okay. So…who broke up with whom?" she asked tentatively.

I cleared my throat. "I broke up w-with Sebastian."

That was definitely not the answer she had expected. She seemed even more confused now than before.

"But—why? Did he do something stupid? Because I wouldn't put it past him to—"

"No, he didn't. He didn't do anything."

The confusion gave way to utter dismay. "Then why? You guys seemed so perfect, you know? Sebastian was so happy, and I thought…I thought things were going really well for you two."

I exhaled slowly and sank into my desk chair. "They were," I said quietly.

Viola could see how upset I was and stepped closer. "Olivia…are you sure he didn't do anything? If he did, I promise he'll regret it."

"No, Viola. Sebastian has been great, really great." I found a dent in the wall to look at instead of Viola's face. "It just wasn't right for me anymore."

She was silent for a moment, as though she was weighing something in her mind. "Are you sure that's all?"

"Yes," I lied, and she knew it. I cursed myself for being such a crappy liar under pressure.

Her frustration was mounting now, and she put a hand on her hip. "Why can't you tell me the truth? I know there's more to this that you're not saying." She paused, and when she spoke again, her voice was soft and masking a slight undercurrent of bitterness. "What's wrong with you lately? First you avoid me like I'm diseased, and now you break up with Sebastian and won't even talk to me about it? I don't get it, Liv. Are you breaking up with both of us now?"

My mind was tearing itself in two over how to answer her. I could tell her the truth, the whole truth, and lose her forever, or I could lie even more and still lose her forever. Both choices were unacceptable. I was still fumbling around for some kind of response when I remembered Duke. I seized the opportunity to stall. That was a big mistake.

"Is Duke still waiting in his car? Shouldn't you—"

"Fine. That's fine. Change the subject." She was getting angry now. She threw her hands in the air and let them fall limply against her sides. "I thought I could get us back on track with this concert, you know. Having fun like old times, but you practically ignored me all night, and now you drop this bomb on me and won't even explain anything! But whatever. If you don't want to be around me or have any meaningful interaction, I can take a hint."

She turned on her heel and reached for the door. "Oh, and since you're so concerned about Duke, I told him to go home because I thought this might take a while. How silly of me."

Her hand closed around the door handle, and I knew that if she left this room, we would never be friends again. Pure panic welled up inside me, and I couldn't let her go.

"Wait!" I nearly shouted as I leapt out of my seat, desperate to keep her here. Viola didn't let go of the handle, but she didn't turn it either. She slowly looked at me, the hurt she had obviously been feeling for a while now plain on her face.

"Don't go," I said tremulously.

Viola's shoulders sagged a little, and her eyes pleaded with me. "Please, please tell me what's been going on, Olivia. We're still friends, right? You can talk to me."

I nodded and swallowed hard. Just do it. Open your mouth and say it. I suddenly felt cold and clammy all over, and a weight like a stone had settled in my stomach. "Your brother… He's amazing, and very cute, and it was so easy to like him at first." I could barely speak above a whisper now, and I was mad at myself for the tears that had begun blurring my vision. "Everything was so messed up, and he was there and so perfect, and those were his lyrics, so I just thought—I thought why not? And it worked for a long time, but lately I've realized that—that no matter how great Sebastian is…"

Viola was staring warily at me while I searched for my voice. I was probably making no sense at all, but it was too late to go back and explain more. I had opened the floodgates, and there was no stopping now.

"No matter how great Sebastian is…" I began again, one tear sliding down my cheek. Viola watched me with wide eyes, and I surprised myself by looking fully into those eyes. "He's not you."

Viola blinked. "W-what?"

"He's not you, Viola," I repeated softly.

Her hand fell slowly from the door handle, like she had completely forgotten it existed and all the muscles simply went slack. Her mouth was sort of hanging open, as though she'd forgotten about it, too. I could see the rise and fall of her chest speed up slightly and become more erratic; she was getting nervous. That makes two of us, Vi.

"Wait, wait," she struggled to say. "What—what do you, what does that…what does that mean?"

Sick with anxiety, I helplessly held up my hands, waiting for a sentence to form in my mind. Viola didn't wait for me to speak, though, and forged ahead without me.

"Th-this doesn't make any sense. You like my brother, Sebastian. You don't—you don't like me—" she said, playing it off like it was some kind of joke. "Do you?"

I nodded very slowly, and for the second time that night, I worried about fainting in front of her.

"But why? How, for that matter? I didn't think you, uh, swung that way," she said with a nervous half smile, and I could tell that denial was causing her to start rationalizing the whole issue. "You're probably just confused, and—and worried about things with you and Sebastian, that's all."

All light-headedness vanished as an unfamiliar indignance took its place. She was scared, and she wanted this to disappear, but I was tired of bending over backwards to make it go away. I'd been doing that since I first found out that "Sebastian" was really Viola, a girl, and I was too goddamn tired of it to go back to it now. It was her fault that we were both in this position to begin with, and I wasn't going to keep my mouth shut just so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. My jaw tightened, and my forehead wrinkled into an angry frown.

"God, Viola, you are unbelievable. You should know exactly why this happened. No, I don't 'swing that way', but that's really not the point. The point is that I thought you were a guy for two weeks, and I fell for that guy."

"And I apologized for that, like, seven thousand times!"

"To Duke! To the soccer team! To Illyria! I don't remember you ever telling me that you were sorry for deceiving me, or being at all concerned about the lingering effects the whole thing might have had on me."

"Well, I—I'm sorry, Olivia, but I didn't think you wanted to talk about it. I mean, I thought we kind of mutually decided to pretend that you having a thing for me never happened. You liked my brother, remember?"

"But I liked you first! By the time I found out the truth, it was too late. I did my best to transfer all those feelings to your brother because he was nice and it was awkward thinking of you, Viola the girl, in that way, and also because you were completely into Duke. You wanted to be friends and so did I, so it seemed easier to just be friends, but it got too hard. I practically beat myself over the head with the fact that you're a girl, and I'm not into girls, but it didn't work. The ridiculous truth is that you were the one I had feelings for, and despite my best efforts with Sebastian, it's still you."

Viola looked like I had just thrown a bucket of cold water on her head. "But Olivia, that guy wasn't me! I was just pretending to be Sebastian so I could play soccer!"

I rolled my eyes and made an exasperated noise. "Give me a break, Vi. You may have been using Sebastian's name, but I've spent enough time with him to know that you weren't acting anything like your brother. You were being you, but with a silly low voice, a wig, and a couple sideburns." Viola still wanted to object, but I cut her off. "Your sense of humor, the sweet things you say, the way you care about people, the soccer, your face, your eyes, your smile—all of that is the same. It's all you, and I think you know that."

"No!"

I cocked my head to one side and arched an eyebrow at her.

"Okay—maybe. But that doesn't mean that you really like me. Isn't it possible that you just miss the other Sebastian? The one you thought was male?" she asked, careful to keep her tone even and calm.

I considered that for a minute. It certainly was possible. I pictured Viola as Sebastian and then as just Viola in my mind and asked myself the question: if I had to choose between them—? I wrestled with that for a moment or two before realizing that it wasn't even a real question for me. Maybe three months ago I would have chosen "Sebastian" without a second thought, but that was when I could still separate them in my mind like they really were two people. Now, after so much time, it was impossible. They were both Viola; one of them was just wearing a wig.

"How can I miss him when I'm around him all the time?" I asked softly, looking pointedly at Viola. "I used to think that I missed him, that that was why being around you would make me feel so sad, or give me butterflies, or make me want to be closer to you, but I figured out a while ago that it wasn't the memory of him that made me feel that way. It was you, because you're the same. Now, when I think of that Sebastian, I always see and hear and feel…Viola."

Viola staggered slowly backward until she was leaning up against the wall. I watched her closely, and I thought I could see the beginning of tears in her eyes. My anger ebbed away and was replaced by a powerful urge to walk across the room and put my arms around her.

"I don't know what to say," she nearly whispered, looking up at me with glistening blue-green eyes and a weak smile.

A lump the size of a boulder formed in my throat, and I started to find it difficult to breathe.

"No wonder you were avoiding me," she said absently, as though she were talking to herself more than to me. "That really sucked, you know."

"I know," I said, my voice breaking.

She stared at me, stared hard, face contorted with distress. "This could change everything, and I just wonder—just—how can you be sure? I mean, are you really, really sure about this?"

I barely found breath enough to answer her. "Yes, I'm sure."

"But how can you be sure that you're sure?"

I didn't answer her. I was too busy losing my senses, common sense included. I was moving toward her without really knowing why, and I didn't stop until I was standing right in front of her, mere inches away. She was quite taken aback by this, and I didn't blame her. We were so close that I wondered if she could hear my heart beating, and I was still trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.

"Olivia? What are you—"

She never finished the sentence. Before either of us knew what was happening, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers, one hand lightly touching her jaw. I couldn't remember feeling so many emotions at once before. The kiss only lasted three or four seconds, but in that short time I managed to feel nervous, euphoric, guilty, sad, relieved, horrified, excited, shocked, and so angry at myself that I could have exploded. I pulled away from her and stumbled toward the door, one hand over my mouth. Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that. She'll never talk to me again. Oh my god, I am such a moron!

I half expected her to slap me in the face or leave, but she only stood there against the wall, apparently stunned into paralysis.

"I'm sorry," I murmured into the hand that was still covering my mouth. Panic took over completely, and I turned and wrenched the door open. I ran as fast as I could, and only when I burst from the building and into the night air did I remember that I had just left my own room. God only knows when Viola would leave, and there was no way in hell that I could go back there now. Cold, tired, and still in shock, I went to the only place I could think of.

After dodging dorm security, I knocked rapidly on the door to room 234. To my immeasurable relief, the right roommate opened the door. Sebastian stared at me for a moment, too surprised to react. I didn't wait for him to say anything. Exhausted and falling apart, I collapsed into his arms and sobbed.