Not much to say today. Except that the ruler button isn't working, so I'm needing to be resourceful and use dashes instead. (Edit: Huzzah! 19 months later the ruler button now works again!)

Disclaimer: I don't own TT or The Forgotten Arm

This chapter is based on the song "I Can't Help You Anymore."

Chapter Ten: How It Used To Be

The drive to Coal was long and silent.

Starfire was aware that she could play the radio- the T-Car had all manner of satellite channels and a state-of-the-art sound system- but the soft whooshing of the buildings, cars, and people passing by was more appropriate background noise, and the relative quiet gave Starfire time to think.

Last night Starfire had told the others of her conversation with Robin, and about her plans to visit him the next day. They'd been supportive but cautious; supportive because hopefully this would be a pull for Robin to come home, and cautious because they didn't want Starfire sucked back into Robin's drama. Either way they gave her the go-ahead and wished her luck, and Cyborg had even allowed her to take the T-Car, after a brief run-down of the rules. This morning she'd been up at seven o'clock, on the road by eight. Before leaving she'd given Robin a call, as she'd promised to. Waiting for him to answer his communicator, Starfire had half suspected that he'd tell her something had come up and he wouldn't be able to see her. It was with relief that he'd told her he still looked forward to her visit.

Anxiety had been welling steadily in Starfire's chest ever since she'd left the Tower this morning. The last time she'd seen Robin was the morning he left for Coal.

"I cannot watch you spend your life this way, searching for something that may not be there..."

"Why can't you trust me on this?"

"Because I have trusted you on matters involving Slade too many times before. I trust you, Robin, but I do not want to continue fearing for you."

And then she'd promised to be there when he returned. Three days before that she'd promised never to leave him alone in the dark.

Already, two promises broken.

Starfire stopped at a red light and took the moment to look out the window. She was on the very edge of Coal, and the trees and houses that had been lining the road for the last several dozen miles had given way to dingy multi-story buildings and small, grungy liquor stores. The light turned green and Starfire drove on.

So much had happened since Robin left. Truthfully, Starfire knew all this had been building. Maybe not since they'd all first met, but since soon after. Certainly from the first time they'd fought Slade, and that was how long ago? Three years? And with all that had happened in those short three years- Red X, the enforced apprenticeship, Terra's betrayal, the dust- how could they have expected something like this not too happen? Robin was bound to go into overdrive- even more than usual- and it would have been a lie to say none of them had seen this coming. What they hadn't seen coming, though, was the way it would take over his life so completely, the way it would throw his whole world into a tailspin. And they hadn't expected it to last this long, either.

Starfire drove for another ten minutes, watching the street signs in search of Bradley Street. Finding the street, she turned down it and continued on until the top of a tall apartment building was visible. 

Seeing a space on the street, Starfire parked the T-Car and continued by foot for the next block. The closer she got, the more uneasy she became, and she wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep breath to try to calm her nerves, to try to stifle the nervousness that was eating her up.

Then she saw him.

He was standing outside, arms crossed and back to the building, trademark look of concentration on his face. For a while he didn't see her, and she took into account his bandaged hand, his sagging shoulders. It was almost unreal, seeing him now after so long, as if she were in a dream or watching him from afar.

Then he looked up, and simultaneously, both their faces broke into smiles.

Robin turned and took the ten feet that divided them in a jog, and pulled her into a hug.

"It's good to see you," Robin said, not letting go of her, and Starfire smiled.

"It is very good to see you, as well."

It was a surprise, though not an unwelcome one, when Robin kissed her. When they pulled back for breath Starfire put her forehead against Robin's and whispered, "I missed you."

Robin pulled her closer. "I've missed you, too."

"Have you completed your mission?" Starfire asked quietly, carefully.

Robin shook his head slightly against her. Then he stood back and took her hand. "Come on," he said. "Let's get out of here."

Starfire squeezed his hand and let Robin lead her to his motorcycle. The side, she noticed, was damaged from the accident Cyborg had told her about. Seeing where her eyes had fallen, Robin said, "It's no big deal. I'll get it fixed up later." Then he handed her a helmet and pulled his onto his head.

"Cyborg told us you had a minor collision. Is your hand still injured?" Starfire asked.

Robin held his right hand up and inspected the bandage as if seeing it for the first time. "It doesn't hurt. I just need to keep the bandage on for a little while longer."

"I am glad it does not hurt."

Robin got onto the bike and Starfire did the same, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Ready?" Robin asked, turning around to look back at her.

Starfire nodded. "Where are we going?"

Robin turned on the engine and pulled the motorcycle onto the street. "You'll see." Starfire held tightly to Robin as they sped away from the building.

"How was the trip here?" Robin called over his shoulder, raising his voice against the wind.

"It was quite pleasant."

"Did Cyborg let you take the T-Car?"

"Yes. Truthfully I was surprised he allowed me to."

Robin laughed. "How is everyone?"

"Everyone is doing well. We were glad to hear Cyborg inform us of his visit."

Stopping at a red light, Robin continued to keep his eyes on the traffic. "What did he say?"

"He told us of your progress in finding leads, but said you did not know when you would be finished."

"Is that all?"

Starfire bit her lip. "He said you seemed lonely."

The light changed and Robin sped them forward. After a few minutes of quiet, or of as close to quiet as possible when riding a motorcycle, Starfire asked again, "Where are we going?"

Robin laughed and took one of his hands from the bike handle, putting it briefly on top of hers before grabbing onto the handle again. "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were impatient."

Starfire smiled, relieved he wasn't mad about her previous statement. "I have not seen you for six weeks, and I do not wish to spend this time looking at you from behind."

Robin smiled and took a turn on the left. "We're almost there."

After another five minutes they passed Coal's city limits and entered James City. Robin had been here once before when he'd come a few weeks ago to check out the lawyer named Adam Bright. Although the lead had looked promising, Robin hadn't yet come to any conclusions about Bright, but James City had been the first place that came to mind after he learned of Starfire's imminent visit. James City was nicer and cleaner than Coal City, and an overall more pleasant place to be.

As they passed the sign proclaiming the entering of James City, Starfire asked, "Have you conducted any business here?"

"A little. I came here once a while back." Then he pointed ahead of them. "We're going a few more miles in this direction and then we'll be there."

Another five minutes or so passed, and the tall buildings and expensive cars of James began to fade away, until the streets around them were almost empty. Then, from farther down the road, a large fence-enclosed area was visible, and a wooden sign with the words "James City Amusement Park," the words "Closed for Repairs" written underneath, came into view.

"I was trying to think of a place we could talk without other people around," Robin explained.

"Can we get inside if it is closed for the repairs?"

Robin nodded as he pulled up in front of a gap in the fence, a little disappointed that they were done driving. He liked the feeling of her arms around his waist. "It's been closed for repairs for years now, and it hasn't seen a single renovation. No one comes here, and the lease for it ran out a couple years ago. No one even owns it anymore. Plus," he continued as they both got off the bike and removed their helmets, "The last time we were at an amusement park your sister sort of interrupted things."

Starfire laughed. "That is true. She seems to have a talent for that."

They stepped through the hole in the chain-link fence and stood for a moment, taking in the huge wooden rides and the signs advertising candy and soda. "Should we go right or left?" Robin asked, gesturing to either side.

Starfire thought for a moment, and then said, "Left."

They turned and began walking along the fence. Though the late November air was cool, the sun was bright, creating a strange contrast.

"Tell me about what's been going on in Jump," Robin said once they'd walked a few feet. "Have there been any problems?"

Shaking her head, Starfire assured him there hadn't been. "Very little has taken place. The alarm has barely gone off at all."

"That's good."

"I suppose it is. It is just… I feel odd when our services are not needed. I do not wish there to be crimes taking place," she added quickly, "It is just that I am not used to having so much of the free time."

Robin smiled. "I know the feeling. This is the first day in a long time that I haven't worked," he said, and Starfire couldn't tell if he meant that as a good or bad thing.

"Then you have been working too hard."

Robin ran a hand through his hair. "It's what I'm used to."

Starfire glanced up at him, noting the pallor of his face and distinct darker color at the base of the mask covering his eyes. "You look tired."

"I haven't been sleeping very well lately." He said it quickly, almost too quickly, and Starfire raised an eyebrow.

"Why not?"

"No reason," he said nonchalantly. "I've just been working late and then it's hard to fall asleep."

"If you are going to be working so hard you need to get sleep."

"I know."

They walked in silence then, their shoes kicking up dirt. Starfire had been debating whether or not to wear civilian clothes today, but in the end had decided against it. She'd worried that asking Robin to wear civilian clothes would put him off, and in fact didn't know if he'd brought any. And besides, while she knew Robin had another identity, she didn't know who that person was. The Robin walking beside her, mask and cape and all, was the Robin she knew. And the girl she'd been before she joined the Titans was not the same as the Starfire she was now. These thoughts, while somewhat reassuring, also made Starfire realize how tied to the Titans she and Robin really were.

"It has been a long time since we all have been together." Starfire said quietly. "Everyone misses you."

Robin didn't respond, just kicked at some pebbles in the path.

"You could come home just for a day, just for a little while. You could put your motorcycle in the T-Car and come today." They stopped walking and Starfire looked hopefully at Robin, who wouldn't meet her eyes, his gaze wandering over the park.

"Star, I- I can't."

Starfire smiled disappointedly and nodded. "I should not have asked. I am sorry."

Turning back to her, Robin glanced at the ground before looking back up at her, smiling. "Come on," he said, and before she could say anything Robin had taken her hand and was pulling her farther into the park. He stopped once they reached the play structures in the center of the park, and pointed towards the piece of equipment they stood in front of. "Have you ever been on one of these?"

Starfire studied the big metal disc, held a little ways off the ground by another metal spoke. She shook her head.

"Get onto it and hold on," Robin said, motioning to the bars that came out from the center and extended to the end of the platform. Starfire stepped onto it, the metal echoing with her footsteps, and held on loosely to the bars. "Hold on tight," Robin specified, and she did so. "Okay, ready?" He asked, holding onto one of the bars on the other side of the manual merry-go-round.

"Robin, what are you-" she was cut off when the platform started spinning, Robin running along with it as he pushed and made it go faster. When it seemed like it would go no faster Robin jumped on, the force of his landing making the platform shake.

Starfire laughed as the world spun around and around them, colors merging and whipping past her. Only Robin was distinguishable out of the mess of the revolving world, and she carefully lifted one of her hands from the bar she was holding and placed it where all the bars met. Robin did the same, putting his gloved hand on top of hers.

When they stopped spinning they both collapsed on the metal, slightly dizzy, their legs shaky. Starfire ducked underneath the bars separating them and sat down next to Robin. As they both regained their breath Robin leaned his head back so it was resting on one of the bars, and closed his eyes.

Starfire studied him, aware that this was probably the stillest he'd been since arriving in Coal. With his eyes closed, the sun on his face and his hands folded indifferently in his lap, he looked almost… peaceful. I wish you could be peaceful, Robin. More than anything.

Opening his eyes and finding Starfire's gaze on him, Robin smiled at her. She smiled back.

In time they managed to stand up, dust off their clothes and continue walking.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Robin asked suddenly, and Starfire was surprised at the oddness of his question. They hardly ever talked about the day they first met- it was a somewhat awkward topic. But now Starfire smiled.

"Of course," she said. "As I recall we were attempting to destroy one another."

A smile spread over Robin's face at the absurdity of that thought. "Things sure have changed, huh?"

Laughing, Starfire conceded, "Yes, they certainly have."

"But after we stopped trying to kill each other- no, actually when we were trying to kill each other- as I recall you kissed me."

Starfire blushed. "I have explained the reasoning behind that many times."

"No, don't misunderstand, it wasn't… it wasn't a bad thing. But I was just wondering…"

Starfire glanced at Robin, but he was looking straight ahead.

"Why did you kiss me?" He asked.

"Who else would I have kissed?" Starfire asked, somewhat evading the question.

"There were tons of other people around that you weren't in battle with. Practically all of Jump came to see what was going on."

"I suppose you intrigued me."

When she didn't continue Robin asked, "How so?"

"Your mask, for one thing," she said, glancing up at him. "Your fighting skills, for another. I had never attempted to learn another language in that way before. I did not know what the consequences might be."

"Consequences?"

"I did not know what other traits I might obtain. As it happens I only received your language, but if I was going to acquire your other qualities, I determined I might as well gain new fighting abilities."

Robin laughed. "It was just something I'd been wondering."

"I am surprised you never asked before," Starfire admitted.

Shrugging, Robin said, "I never thought it was the right time to bring it up."

After a moment Starfire asked, "Why now?"

"I don't know," Robin confessed. "It just came into my head."

By now they'd walked along the circumference of the park and were back at the gap in the gate. "Do you want to keep going?" Robin asked, pointing down the street.

"Sure."

Robin took Starfire's hand in his and raised it to his lips, kissing the back of her hand before letting their hands fall back between them, never letting go. The road seemed to stretch out forever before them, the sidewalks empty and the land around the amusement park just as vacant. They had walked not for five minutes before Starfire asked the question that was both burning to be asked and begging to be left dormant.

"Robin, why will you not come home?"

She could feel Robin's hand tense in hers, and held her breath, praying he would not blow up in anger. When he didn't answer Starfire added, "I know I have asked you to return many times, but I am asking you now sincerely. Do you truly believe you can find Slade? Will you really accept no assistance?"

Robin swallowed. "Starfire, it's… I have to find him. I can't stop now after I've been working so hard for so long. I can't let him get away again." He turned to her and even through the mask Starfire could see a flicker in his eyes that reminded her of the terror he'd shown when he'd woken in the nights after the dust, specters of Slade haunting his dreams and mind.

"Do you still believe he is alive?"

Robin bit his lip and looked away. "Of course I do," he said, but his voice was shaky, unsure, and Starfire wished he'd hear this and resign himself to the fact.

"Why?" she whispered. Tears were starting to form in Starfire's eyes but she wouldn't allow them to drop.

"Because…" Robin sighed. "Because evil doesn't die."

"We have fought evil together many times before. We have beaten evil before."

Shaking his head softly, Robin said, "Not like this."

Starfire put her hand on Robin's arm. "Cyborg said he asked you what you were looking for. He said he asked you how you would know if Slade was dead." She paused. "He said you could not answer him."

They had stopped walking by now, and they stood facing each other, their eyes locked.

"Do you have an answer now?" she asked further.

"This is what I need to do." Robin gripped her hand tightly.

"Is it what you want to do?"

"Why else would I be doing it?" he murmured.

Starfire looked back at the street, at the mile or so they had come and the endless road ahead of them.

"Will you just make me one promise, then?" Starfire asked. "Will you promise me you will think about getting help?"

"Star, you know you and the team need to be in Jump."

"No, Robin." She shook her head. "Not that kind of help."

"What, then?"

"The City Protector Recuperation Center in Metropolis."

"Starfire-"

"I am not asking that you give me an answer now. I simply want you to consider it. Can you promise me that?"

"Sure, Star." Robin smiled weakly. "I promise to think about it."

Starfire searched his face for any sign of honesty. But while she trusted him to think about the Center, if only for a single minute, she knew it would be of no use. He was promising, yes, but only to please her. She could ask him to promise to think about a million things, about the Center and Slade's existence and even the possibility of coming home, and he could promise a million times that he would consider them, but in the end she knew the promise was empty. Even if he thought about it all day, part- if not most- of his mind would still be elsewhere.

Putting her hands on either side of Robin's face, Starfire kissed him deeply. His arms went around her waist, and even though the words were not spoken, they both knew that unless impossible changes were made, this chapter of their lives would soon come to a close.

Breaking the kiss, Robin whispered, "I love you, Star."

And Starfire, ignoring the tears on her cheeks, reciprocated his words.

"I love you, too."

TT

They walked back to the motorcycle in silence, holding tightly to each other's hands as if clutching a lifeline. Starfire's tears had dried by the time they put on their helmets, but the tone of their conversation hung heavily in the air around them, further silencing them as they drove back to Coal. Behind them, the amusement park became smaller and smaller.

When they reached Bradley Street Starfire was relieved that Robin didn't stop in front of his apartment, instead asking her where she'd left the T-Car. Cyborg had already described the room Robin was renting, and Starfire didn't want its image further etched into her mind.

Pulling up in front of the T-Car and cutting the R-Cycle's engine, Robin and Starfire took off their helmets and then stayed where they were for a moment longer, Starfire's arms around Robin's torso.

"Do you have to go?" Robin didn't turn to look back as he asked.

"I cannot stay here." She didn't mention that until recently Robin had been opposed to her even visiting.

"I'll… think about that place you told me about. That center."

Starfire nodded. "You should." Then she stood up and got off the bike, placing her helmet on the seat. Robin remained where he was.

"Goodbye," she said as she backed towards the car.

"Bye."

Starfire unlocked the car, opened the door and slid into the seat. She turned on the engine, but before she closed the door she leaned out towards Robin again.

"When we first met, I am glad I chose to kiss you."

And then she closed the door and drove away.