Okay, well this is way darker then what you are use to reading...from me. It was hard for me to write, but I think this really help me understand what's been going on in my own life. Not that it's anything like the story...but yea. I hope you enjoy and review it please. I jsut want to thank Essy for everything that she has done for me. She has really helped me and I think are friendship has just grown so much. ANd I hope it continues to grow. It's a friendship I never want to loose. This one is for you and me Essy.
Scream
It tore her up inside.
The memories from a childhood that changed her life.
No one heard her screaming, crying as a child.
A little girl with nowhere to run.
She needed a hero.
She needed a way out.
The case had reminded her so much of what things were like when she herself was a child. The case was of an eleven-year-old girl who had no father, and her mother was a violent drunk who abused the girl. The girl's name was Amanda Nadine Smith. Olivia found herself puzzling over her name, Amanda which meant "worthy of love," and Nadine which meant "hope." It was such a beautiful name and it really spoke the truth.
The little girl, no matter what she had gone through, is worthy of love. And there is hope.
This case just hit so close to home for her. She relived some of the worst things in her past and all her scars reopened. How could a mother do these horrible things to her own child?
The rain was pouring outside on the streets of New York City. Olivia was standing in the dark of her apartment, just watching. Her heavy heart weighed her down, her tears staining her face.
She didn't understand why she tortured herself with this job everyday. But deep down her knew the reason; she wanted to help people like Amanda, people that went through what she had. And if she didn't have this job, she didn't know what else she'd be doing.
Olivia gazed out onto the city that never sleeps. Do any of them know how I feel? The truth was nobody did. No mater how sympathetic Cragen and Munch were, no matter how understanding Fin was, and no matter what Elliot said, they couldn't change what'd already happened to her. She had been hurt too many times, and nothing could ever change that.
The scars of her past would always be there, sharing her secrets with everyone.
Olivia moved to her sofa and curled up as she sat down. All she wanted was someone to love, someone to trust. She needed some sort of stability in her life. Someone to understand. Her life was just plunging her forward and the brakes in her car weren't working. She would just keep speeding down that hill.
Sometimes it got to the point were she was completely numb to everyone and everything. She didn't feel at all. Other times, she was just overwhelmed by everything that was happening and she needed a way out.
It would go until she couldn't take it any longer and then she would crash and burn. She dreaded the thought, but she knew it would happen one day. And the one man she wanted to save her, the one whom she was able to trust, who showed her the meaning of life, wasn't there for her. He had pushed her away, over and over again.
Olivia didn't understand why. What could she do to show him what he truly means to her? All she needed was him to see her, see her for whom she truly is.
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm?
For you to see me, I need release
She thought about it all the time.
Just one cut.
She knew the right spot that would end everything.
She thought about it as she cried herself to sleep sometimes.
Just one shot.
That's all it would take.
Just one shot for this all to end.
She just needed a way out.
But if she did, would anyone realize she was gone? Would they come looking for her; would they even care?
Would they grieve for her like she grieves when she screams?
She thought about it tonight.
One shot would do.
Just one shot to stop her misery.
What would it take for them to see her? To hear her? What would it take for him to see how much their stupid little fights really affected her?
Why was she needed anyways? What was the point of her job? They might win and lock a bad guy up, but there is still another child molester, another rapist, another murderer. It never ends.
Olivia closed her eyes, breathing slowly through her mouth. Old memories of her and Elliot Stabler filled her mind.
Elliot always made her laugh, made her smile. She was wary about letting people in - until she joined Special Victims. Elliot was one of the first men she really trusted.
He was very protective of her. He was always skeptical about the type of men she dated. And whenever there was a sadistic lunatic in one of their cases, he always had to make sure she was okay. He really did care about her.
He always knew exactly what to say to make her feel a little better about herself, about who she was as a person.
But Elliot had another side to him. Sometimes he would get so mad at her and push her away. He once went so far as to tell her they couldn't be partners.
He didn't realize that those things he said really hurt her.
And she didn't know how to make him see that.
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
She couldn't take it any more.
No one cared.
No one had seen what had been done to her.
No one heard her voice as a child; no one came to her defense.
She needed a way out.
She knew what had to be done.
Olivia walked to her bedroom and to her desk. She turned on the small desk lap, illuminating the room in a dull yellowish light. She sat herself down and pulled out a pen and paper.
Dear Elliot,
By the time you read this, I will have set myself from of this pain, from this misery.
I am sorry for all that we've put each other through. The fights. The tears…everything. I feel compelled to do this to end it all. I don't' think you ever see me; I don't think you ever see who I really am. You only see it when I make you. And I can't take that any longer.
I trusted you Elliot. All I wanted was your love. I've been through so much, and all those things you've done have really hurt me. Believe me when I say that I still love you. But I feel that the only way I can keep that love is if I leave.
Olivia's eyes swelled with salty wet tears that burned her cheeks as they cascaded onto the letter. She couldn't write this. She just couldn't.
She stood up from the desk and paced the floor of her room. Maybe if she just called Elliot, he would listen to her.
Olivia pulled out her cell phone and hit speed dial. Elliot's phone rang five times.
"Olivia?" a voice said groggily. "Do you know what time it is?" Elliot yawned.
She couldn't believe this. She had called him in her hour of need and all he can do is ask her if she's aware of the time.
Her tears poured violently down and she cried aloud.Anger bubbled inside of her. Olivia threw the phone against her bedroom wall and fell to the floor. "Why?" she screamed in frustration. "God, please, how can you watch over me like this and let me live like this? Why'd you bring me to this world to suffer this way?"
Olivia picked up a vase of flowers Elliot had given her a few months back and smashed it against the other wall.
She couldn't take it anymore. She felt like she was being smothered and there was no way out of it.
She fell to her knees at her bedside.
"I'm sorry, God, but I can't do this anymore. I need to leave. I need a way out. I can't…" she sobbed.
Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees
Tears were being shed.
Someone was being hurt.
She was hurting herself.
She felt faint.
Dizzy.
There was blood.
She needed to be healed.
She looked down at her arms that were scratched and bloody.
Olivia continued to scratch vigorously at her flesh. She screamed helpless yelps as she bled her poisonous blood. The blood of a child of a rapist.
Never had she felt as hopeless and dead as she did at this very moment. It was like she was watching herself from outside her body. Watching herself destroy her life. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She backed up against her bedroom wall and slid to the floor. Her arms fell to the side; the blood dripped and stained everything it touched.
She glanced up at her desk and the note she had been writing. She swallowed the knot in her throat and closed her eyes tightly.
Where was her knight in shining armor who could save her from herself?
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
It was time.
Time for the end.
Things had to change.
Just one shot, she told herself. It'll all be over.
The cold metal in her hands.
Her heavy heart sank.
She stood at her window.
Watching.
Watching the city as it was buried by the rain.
It was heavy in her hand.
She lifted it up.
Blood from her arms stained.
Memories flashed.
The kiss she always dreamed of but never got.
The bang.
Olivia jumped. There was another bang. It was coming from her front door.
"Liv? Liv, it's me! I know you're in there," came Elliot's familiar voice.
Olivia shut her eyes tightly, trying to block him from her thoughts.
"Please Olivia. Open the door." Elliot stood outside. He couldn't imagine what was going on in there, but he knew it was bad. The case had really affected Olivia, especially after the judge declared a mistrial and let Amanda go back home with her abusive mother.
"Olivia, please," Elliot pleaded. "Just let me."
She stood there, shaky and unsure.
She was ready to pull the trigger. But what was holding her back?
Elliot kicked the door open to find Olivia standing with her gun pointed at her head.
"Olivia, please, just put the gun down. It's not that bad. Just please."
"It's not that bad? What the hell do you know, Elliot? All my life I've been hurt by the ones I trusted, the ones I loved. I've been marked. I will always be the daughter of a rapist and an abusive mother! Those scars will never leave me, Elliot, no matter how hard I try to get rid of them. How would you feel if you were in my place?"
"Liv, just put it down. I don't want you to get hurt."
"What do you care? You always push me away, Elliot! What the hell do you care whether I pull this trigger or not?"
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?
He felt the words on the tip of his tongue.
He knew he couldn't hide them any longer.
He had to tell her.
He couldn't stand to lose her.
Not like this.
Not this way.
She could see it in his eyes.
She was falling in love.
She should put the gun down.
But – no.
She couldn't yet.
She had to hear him say it.
"Olivia, I couldn't stand to lose you. I don't know what I would do with out you," he whispered.
"You're too late, Elliot. All these years, and all you could do was push me aside, thinking I would always be there. But you're wrong. All these years I never felt your love. You just pushed me away."
"Look, Liv, we're all scared sometimes. Scared of what the future brings, scared of the past. And I've realized how selfish and foolish I've been to just sit back and watch you suffer. I was just scared, Olivia. Because I love you so much. If I ever did anything to ruin that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
Tears gushed from her eyes and she shook her head slightly. "All I wanted was someone to help me. That's all I needed," she whispered. "And you never came."
"I'm here now, Olivia. I'm sorry it took me so long to see this. But I can't lose you. Not like this."
The gun fell from her limp hand with a thud.
I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand
She was numb.
He was cold.
She cried some more.
He scooped her up into his arms.
Things were becoming clear.
She was hurting.
He was the hero.
They were falling.
They caught each other.
Their tears were falling.
Their hands were wondering.
They were so far.
Their lips met.
"I love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry it took this for me to see what I was missing. I'm here now, though. And I'm never leaving."
Olivia couldn't find her voice, so she just let Elliot kiss her.
"You don't have to scream anymore, Liv. I'm here."
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
They sat there.
Together in one another's arms.
Not speaking, yet hearing every word they would've said.
Their voices had yet to break the silence, yet words filled the air around them,
As they found their love, their hope, their future.
Together.
Elliot cradled Olivia in his arms and stood up. He walked over to the couch and laid her down. "We need to get you to the hospital. You've lost a lot of blood. I'm gonna call them and I'll drive you there. I'm not gonna leave you. I promise." He placed a chaste kiss on her lips and walked over to the kitchen were he pulled out his cell phone.
Olivia watched Elliot for a moment. She hadn't sad anything yet, but she knew he was listening to her. He had always been listening, but in his own way. He always saw her, but never knew what to say.
She closed her tired eyes and let herself drift to sleep, a small smile on her lips.
I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
The lights were bright.
The voices all jumbled.
Her eyes began to focus.
The doctors stood around her.
The bandages on her arms felt tight.
Her head was pounding.
The noises quieted down. And stopped all at once.
She blinked.
She could see now.
Casey, Cragen, Fin, Munch, and Elliot all stood in the white room around Olivia. They smiled down at her.
"Guys, can you give us a minute?" Elliot asked.
"Sure," Casey replied.
"Hey Liv."
"Hey."
"Feel better?"
She nodded. "Listen, El, I'm so sorry for all of this," she began. But Elliot quickly put a finger to her lips to stop her.
"I understand. I just hope that you can forgive me, and that we can start over."
Olivia smiled. She knew something would happen tonight that would change her life forever, but she never thought it would be this. "You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, Elliot. Of course I'll forgive you. But you hurt me so much."
"I know. And there is nothing I can do to change that, but I hope we can create a future for ourselves – together. And we can start over."
They kissed.
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
Two months later.
It took sometime.
But they grew together.
They learned together,
Now they live together.
As one.
They love they share is stronger.
They're still wary of the future.
But they know that they have each other.
They love each other.
Nothing can ever change that.
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream