Chapter 12
Terra didn't expect him to come back. She knew that Loki had promised to come back, she had heard him speak the words, but despite that she couldn't allow herself to believe them. It wasn't that she didn't believe that Loki was a change man because she did, it was in many ways a coping mechanism that allowed her to protect herself from the pain of him never coming back. She tried to tell herself that that didn't mean she had given up on him, yet as she sat alone in her room, part of her knew that she had. Because no matter what she knew Loki would always want power and part of her knew that that hadn't changed in him. It wasn't until she was alone before healers that were looking to see when her baby might be ready to be born that Terra recognized that it was all a coping mechanism. Because loving Loki had never been easy. Though things had gotten better since he'd fallen from the Bifrost, she was no longer his personal whore, but she would never be enough for him. They had sealed themselves to each other forever, she was carrying his child, and yet Terra knew that he would always long for something far more then that. He wanted to be king. He wanted to sit on a throne and be loved by thousands. Terra knew that being loved by her, having a family with her would never be enough, and she accepted that just as she'd accepted her status in his life before he had fallen. Because she loved him and just a little of him was better then nothing at all.
All those times, Terra recognized the fact that she had expected the worst from him that after falling from the Bifrost she had expected never to see him again. Yet, she had and when she went with Frigga to tell him of the child she carried, she expected him not to want the child, but he had. All the years she had spent laying in bed with him, on her knees for him, letting him treat her as he pleased just for those moments alone, but he had redeemed himself in the heart of all those moments. She found herself thinking of the moment when Odin had married them. It was a moment she had never expected to share with him. Terra had never expected to share any of the moments that she had with Loki since his return and part of her wondered if they would have happened if he hadn't been locked away. If she would have seen that change if he'd been pardoned or released? She wanted to believe in him, to see the best in him, but something inside her wouldn't let her throw away her doubts.
"I need him to prove me wrong again" thought Terra as the healers moved around her, one of them seeming to look at her in that moment with pity, and for a moment, she wondered if they could read her thoughts.
She wanted to walk out of her chambers and find him standing there.
Yet, Terra found that those thoughts haunted her most of all. They were a lie, a lie she recognized the moment it entered her mind, but that didn't keep them away, nonetheless. The moment he got back from wherever he was, he was going back to her cell, and then everything would go back to the way they had been. She would be visiting him in his cell. She would be taking their child to see him there. There would never be a time when she would walk out to find him there waiting on her. That pained her more then anything especially as the time for their child to be born got all the closer. That weighed heavily on her mind especially as she left the healers, and she found a nice place where no one could find her in the gardens. Terra had always enjoyed the silence in this place before, but suddenly that had changed. It was Frigga who first brought her here. They had sat together softly enjoying the silence, it had been exactly what she'd needed then, but now, it only reminded her that everyone she cared for was gone. She'd never been there without Frigga, and she missed her deeply, so much so that she didn't enjoy this place as much as she had before.
"I fear I'm never going to be able to fill your shoes. You were an exceptional mother, and I am already failing my child before it is born. If Loki doesn't come back, I will be alone, and I won't have the strength to be what it needs" whispered Terra trying to hold her head up but feeling a heavy stones weight settling on her heart.
"When you were here, I wasn't afraid to do this on my own, but now, I'm really scared" whispered Terra wanting to be excited for the future but finding that she felt only a drastic sinking within herself.
Yet all too suddenly even that was something she couldn't focus on. Suddenly, any peace seemed to end as a guard startled her out of her revelry.
"The all father has sent for you, Miss, he said to tell you if was about Prince Loki" whispered the guard his words immediately making her heart jump until it pounded from within her throat.
Gently, Terra swallowed it back down feeling as it beat within her chest again, and then she stood up. She couldn't move right away though, for she knew what was coming, and she wasn't ready for it. Because she had prepared for him never to come back, but not for him to be dead. Terra couldn't deal with that and as she started to walk towards the throne room, she wanted her steps to move slow, but each one just seemed to fast for her. As she walked down the hallway, she kept preparing herself for the worst, but all it did was make the tears rundown her face.
She didn't try to hide them, not until she was in the throne room, her breathing labored, and Terra found she didn't want to go any closer. He was going to tell her that he was dead, but as the all father waited on her, Terra found the courage to move forward, and yet she found she felt more labored with each step.