Unrequited.. Not?

Chapter 2

Erandur had known what he had done when he'd stepped into Wyrmsong's Thu-um. He had fully expected it to be lethal, and was surprised (and not at all pleasantly as the agony set in of being once again conscious) that it had not been. He also knew the wounds he had sustained were well beyond her capacity to heal, limited as her training was and her not being so wise to the ways of Mara as would be required, either.

I could die in her arms. He thought to himself, I have many times dreamed of far worse.

Yet he found himself wanting to live, and desperately so. For at this time of reckoning he found himself and his life's actions still far too wanting.

For all his efforts to earn redemption, he was haunted yet by the memories of all he had done before now. Worse yet that he had even now broken – for the second time – Lady Mara's most sacred mandate of all: to tell the ones that you love that you love them.

He found himself wishing he had (yet another) chance. He couldn't help but feel though that perhaps he'd had too many already. Of course if he didn't break yet one more of his vows to his blessed Lady Mara right now, one which would be furthermore compounded by his having broken the first, then he certainly would die here (and very soon, too).

So he prayed, and begged, and pleaded to Her Benevolence with all his being:

Lady Mara, for the sake of love and forgiveness which you hold most dear, forgive me this transgression and my previous dishonesty. If I live, no matter what the Bondheal reveals about her feelings, I promise to express my own. I also promise to love her, and only her, for all the years of my life remaining, together or apart. I know I deserve no more chances at redemption given my past actions... I am asking much, but... Please Mara: grant me this fool's request. I can only ask and hope for your eternal mercy.

He coughed up blood and tried to swallow it, struggling to retain his focus through the pain.

If I have broken too many vows and you must decline, then please simply take my life and soul right here and now – for my dying wish is to die in the arms of this woman... Who has returned to me so very many dreams I had presumed long lost to Vaemina's torture. I vow to tell her that I love her with my dying breath, and at least undo that one mistake before I end.

He had only spoken with Mara once as part of his initiation into priesthood at the temple. He had not expected her to grace him with her presence ever again, for since then he had made mistakes, and still struggled to live by her teachings. He still found himself unable specifically to forgive vampires or to show mercy to them, or truth be told anyone who committed terrible crimes against others and failed thereafter to demonstrate sincere, unfaltering remorse (that being the only way he allowed himself to go on living).

Most of all he remained unable to forgive himself. Although he was proud to have joined Lady Mara's following, he had always thought himself unworthy. So he surely questioned his own sanity when (he imagined?) he heard Lady Mara speaking to him...

"If you tell this woman that you love her with your dying breath, how then can she return your love? And if she were to return your love, would your dying not then leave her heartbroken? Would surely that not be even more grievously tragic?"

It was hard for Erandur to conceive of such words having come from his own thoughts – he had never reasoned in such a way however much sense it made to hear such a statement now. The logic of it was infallible.

Had Her Benevolence actually deigned to speak with him? And now?! In spite of everything?!

He took in the fullness of those words, and didn't know how to respond.

The sentiment her words conveyed was doubly inescapable, and tormented him terribly. He had never even once conceived that Song could reciprocate his feelings. He would never have even dared hope that she might… and so the damage he could deal her in present circumstance for confessing his feelings now if that were to be the case, simply had not occurred to him until this very moment.

At the end of his frantic thoughts in this regard he was left only with horror and panic.

"And so you understand finally and truly in this moment near death, my dear child, why it is that you should tell those that you love them that you love them, and in due time."

He wanted to weep. The idea of hurting Song was so abhorrent and so shocking that he would do anything to avoid it. Anything. Alas it was too late now: he could only regret it were it true. He already regret in any case that he knew Song at least would likely blame herself for his demise. It wouldn't matter if there had ever or never been a chance that Song would have loved him, for Mara's point he presumed was to outline the audacity he had to risk such harm to her on the basis of his own selfish self-doubt and cowardice. He felt beaten by his own mistakes - too many. Just too many.

Even so, that Lady Mara had come to share his end humbled Erandur beyond measure. It kept him from anger at the world, it kept him accountable to himself, and he was grateful to her so much for that. He did not wish to return to the person he had once been.

Yes… Mara.

He fast found himself free of the pain of his broken body, standing on nothingness, surrounded by light as warm and gentle as an autumn afternoon at the turn of summer. With great reticence he bowed his head and, perceiving his redemption slipping out of reach, accepted Mara's comfort graciously and with profound gratitude. If this was his end, he was determined to accept it gladly. He tried to thank Her Benevolence for all she had tried to do for him.

You have taught me so much… I am such a sorry student.

He could not help then but to be filled with a seething hatred for himself, his cowardice and failure to live up to all her teachings as he had so vowed, his failure in following her eminently better example. He quickly spiralled downwards into despair:

I have always been a coward... I am sorry to have failed you. You offered me forgiveness and what did I do with it? I-

"Have more courage than you know." - Mara disintegrated his descent into self-pity and dispair with a gentleness that made him drop to his knees in this place of warmth and light, and bawl to the point of being unable to take another breath. He felt warmth and weight as if a gentle hand had come to rest on his shoulder and he was more sure than ever that he did not deserve her compassion or forgiveness at all, let alone such kind words... Yet here he received them, and he did not know what to do with them.

"The Dragonborn's story does not end today whether you live or die. What you fail to realise Erandur is that you hold the key within your heart to decide the fate of many if you accompany her, whether through the love of friendship, or the love of romance. If you die today how then do you imagine will she live out her deeds? With love and compassion, or with the bitterness of loss, self-reprimand and guilt, loneliness... and perhaps even a broken heart?"

Erandur's thoughts flung themselves in frenzied pursuit of meanings and alternative interpretations of these words. Did Mara truly mean to imply that his love for Song may not, in reality, be unrequited...?! Was that not simply an example she had chosen in this instant?

Did she mean that Song did or at least could, perhaps, come to love a man such as he? Love him as surely and as truly as he longed to love her?

Or was Her Benevolence merely speaking as Daedra and Aedra were often wont to do… Lacking as they were, the perception of reality as a constant single thread as mortals saw it, walked in but one direction only, (rather seeing all possible fates simultaneously, as if from any and all points of time)?

- Or was this all in his head anyway, and so all of it mute?

"Go now and live by my example." The light and warmth began to fade, "Teach her the Bondheal as you propose and embrace the consequences, whatever they may be. Accompany her for as long as she is willing… Guide her judgements that she may feel my light even if she is as yet unwilling to see it. You have my blessing and as always my child: my forgiveness, and... my love..."

Author note:

I feel I should apologise for the title, but it's straight out of what I imagine a certain someone to be thinking at the time in a very confused and bewildered state, where full sentences or any really steady stream of thought is befuddled out of his ability to string together.

Apologies also for a few liberties I've taken with magick and spells here you will discover in the next chapters. It just works better this way for me but I don't think it's too far stretched...

Kinda like I read another story (and thought this a fantastic idea) where the author had the notion that every time a Guard said "I used to be an adventurer like you" that when they said "but I took an arrow to the knee" that they really meant they'd gotten married. I thought that was both hilarious, and completely accepted that as cannon. In fact now, every time I play Skyrim and one says that, that's how I interpret it.

Oh and sorry if there are double spaces. The space bar on my old laptop is ... encourageable and incorrigible. It is easily encouraged to make another 'space' without my intention, and it does so with it's own ideas and iron will it seems, sometimes. It is just very, very ready to add a space: if I ask it to add one, it'll often add two!

Also for future reference, my 'A' key is now stuck down. I have a magnetic personality, so I've noticed sometimes that might be adding 'A's if I have a finger somewhere near it as a type. If you spot any wayward 'A's please let me know. At least the 'Delete' key still works!