Part Four: Something for the Pain
Jay and Emma get out of the car. It's early, but there a still a few people in the ravine. Jay takes Emma's hand and leads her over to the van.
"This is it?" She asks. "Gee Jay, you take me to the nicest places … I'm kidding," she adds hastily, seeing his expression.
"It's not like we can go to your place … or mine. Look, I-"
"It's okay. Let's go in."
Jay closes the door behind them, and then, they just stand there, staring at each other, feeling suddenly awkward for some reason. Surprisingly, it's Emma who makes the first move, putting her lips to his. He grabs her, kisses her hard, and she likes it. Still…
"Jay," she whispers, half a plea for him to continue, half a warning to take it slow.
"Tell me to stop, and I will. I won't do anything you don't want me to, Emma. I just … you're so … god." His mouth, his hands are everywhere. He starts to unbutton her shirt, but stops.
"Is this okay?"
Emma stares at him. She hadn't expected him to be like this. So … considerate? She doesn't know.
"Yeah," she says softly. "Yeah, it's okay."
"Yeah?" He grins, his eyes sparking wickedly. An instant later, her top hits the floor of the van, and we she tries to return the favor, his shirt get stuck on his head, and they both laugh as they finally manage to get it off. He lowers her down, gently, to the floor, and gets on top of her as they continue. Then suddenly, he's half-lifting her up again, and Emma doesn't get until she feels his hand at the clasp of her bra.
"And this," he breathes. "Is this okay too?"
"Yes," she whispers, so he takes it off, and then stops, staring. He cups her breasts, testing their weight with his hands, and when his thumbs brush across her erect nipples, she lets out a little whimper. But then, it's not his hands, it's his mouth …
His lips trail across her breast, close around her nipple, and he sucks until she can no longer restrain a moan of delight. Then he moves the other, not stopping until he elicits the same response. Their lips meet again, as he's pressed up against her, and she can feel it, how hard he is, how much he wants her. As much as she wants him.
She wants to …
"Jay," she says, as he's kissing her neck, her shoulder. "Do you …?"
"What?"
"Do you have any condoms?"
He pulls back and stares at her, completely thrown for a loop.
"What?"
"Well do you?"
"Well, yeah, in my wallet, but … Emma?"
"Good."
He looks at her as if not daring to believe his luck. "Emma, I can't believe I'm asking this, but … are you sure?"
"I need to feel something, Jay. Something else besides pain, besides fear. And you … you make me feel that." She kisses him again.
"Make love to me, Jay."
"Wait. Make love?" Emma flushes crimson. That didn't come out right.
"I mean, have sex. Hook up. Whatever, it's not a big deal. Just …" She pulls his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans, finds the condoms, and takes one out. As he stares, she unbuttons and unzips both of them, so finally they're just lying there, in boxers and underwear.
She wonders how it will be. If it will hurt. She's nervous, scared, excited. But she knows she wants this.
Their last articles of clothing are shed hastily. She helps him put the condom on. He can't believe this is happening. He's wanted her so bad he couldn't stand it, and now, he doesn't have to stand it any more.
"You're so beautiful."
It's clichéd, but somehow, it rings true to her. She waits for him to enter her, but first he does … something else.
His fingers slide down her stomach, and then lower, and he … strokes her.
"Oh," Emma breathes. "Oh wow, I – Jay!" She gasps, and he smiles. It may not be much, but he doesn't want this to be just about him, getting what he wants. He wants her to enjoy it too.
As she's panting underneath him, he gently eases his way inside her, letting her response guide his progress, still working her with his fingers. For an instant, they are frozen, just like that. Emma is surprised. It doesn't even hurt. Isn't it supposed to hurt, the first time?
He starts moving, slowly, setting a rhythm, a rhythm he draws her into, and her back arches as their moans mingle, and they move faster, and he goes deeper, and nothing's ever felt this good, and she doesn't want him to stop, ever, ever, and oh god –
"Jay, Jay – I'm – I'm gonna –"
"Are you close?" His voice is strained. "I know you're close, baby. Come for me!"
His words seem to send her over the edge, and she comes, screaming, almost crying with the beauty of it, the pleasure. She gets it now, why so many people don't want to wait until marriage. Who would want to wait for this?
Jay follows her fast, crying out her name as he comes inside her. And then – they're both just breathless, panting, spent, hardly believing what they have done.
"Emma, you're trembling."
She starts to contradict him, until she realizes it's true. "I'm … it's alright," she says, and he kisses her gently. "Jay? This is gonna sound stupid, but …"
"What?"
"Can we just stay in here, for a little while? Can you just hold me? Just for a little bit?"
He smiles. "You are getting mushy on me, aren't you? Come here." He wraps his arms around her, hold her close, and she feels ridiculously, foolishly safe, if only for an instant. "Do you feel better?"
"I just … it's hard to stop thinking about it, you know? I thought I was going to die. Rick pointed the gun right at me."
"He did? I didn't know that." Emma's trying really hard to stop from crying again, but it's not working.
"I'm sorry-"
"Hey." He cups her face with his hand. "It's okay, Emma. I mean, as long as you're not crying over the sex …"
She laughs through her tears, then buries her face in his chest, still sniffling. He holds her, strokes her hair, mutters a few soothing words. She hasn't been sleeping much since the shooting, but she feels so comfortable in his arms, and in a few minutes, she's drifted off. He doesn't have the heart to wake her. Maybe he'll just close his eyes too, for a minute …
Sometime later, they are both awakened by a loud banging on the van's door.
"Occupied!" Jay calls out, like they're in the bathroom. Emma giggles.
"Man, you've been in there for hours! Give someone else a turn already!" Now they both laugh, but as Emma think about it, her laughter fades.
"Jay, what time is it?"
He checks the clock on his cell phone. "About 6 PM."
"Oh shit! I was supposed to be home hours ago! What am I gonna tell my parents?"
"That you were having sex?" Emma gives him a look. "Okay, maybe not. Just tell them you were at rehearsal."
"I already told them we didn't have rehearsal today."
"So? Tell them it was a last-minute change of plans, or whatever."
"Okay, yeah. That could work. But it's still late." Emma scrambles for her clothes.
The pounding on the door starts again. "I'm coming in -"
"One more minute!" Jay yells, as they both hastily dress themselves. Emma smoothes out her clothes, and then Jay reaches out and smoothes out her hair. He kisses her softly, and she smiles –
The door bursts open to a guy and a girl, each with beer in hand. "Share the love, man!"
Jay shakes his head, almost laughing. "Emma, come on, I'll take you home."
On the drive home, they don't talk much. He thinks she's worried, wondering about what she's going to say to her parents. Maybe she just doesn't want to lie to them. She doesn't seem like the type who lies a lot. He hopes it's not because she regrets what they did. He sure as hell doesn't!
They pull up at her house. "Well, we're here," he says lamely, suddenly wishing they weren't. That she could just stay with him for the rest of the night. What the hell is happening to him, anyway?
"Jay, I just want you to know – what happened – I don't expect anything from you. We had a good time. It doesn't have to be anything else, okay?"
She's been surprising him all night, now even more so. "Wait, Emma – did we switch places? Isn't that my line?"
She smiles. "I'll see you at school?"
"Okay." She starts to leave, but he catches her arm, pulling her in for just one last kiss. Emma exits the car reluctantly, telling herself it's just because she doesn't want to face her parents again, and not also because she doesn't want to leave him.