"You look like you could use a… a hug," Sydney said, stepping forward. Maggie raised her arms somewhat reluctantly.
Sydney knew she had confused Maggie, hoped she stayed with her thoughts. The way Maggie had frozen when Sydney hugged her told her everything. Sydney had hoped for a soft, warm, comforting hug in which she could let her hands roam across the interesting landscape of Maggie's back, circumnavigation the larger muscle groups, counting knobs of spine and ridges of ribs, the sharp lines of her bra hinting at the softness beneath. Instead Maggie had stiffened, unsure and suspicious. Maggie's hands had gripped once and pulled away, not rubbing comfortingly over Sydney's back like she'd hoped.
"Why are you so stiff?" Sydney asked, face crinkling in confusion and disappointment. She'd been gathering courage all day for this, planning out how to run into Maggie and offer a casual hug, only for it to fall apart in the execution.
"Oh my God, apparently I'm a bad hugger," Maggie said, frustrated, having been forced into a hug she had been suspicious of and was now being criticised for.
"You don't think I'm going to kiss you again, do you?" Sydney asked, emphasis using the word 'kiss', watching Maggie's eyes briefly rest on her lips.
"Are you?" Maggie responded to a question with another question.
"Goodnight, Dr Lin," Sydney said sardonically, rolling her eyes as she hurried off before Maggie could ask any more difficult questions, holding as tightly to the memory of the way Maggie felt pressed against her as she had held tightly to Maggie herself. It hadn't played out the way she'd hoped, but it was as much of a move as she could make. She had hoped that it would help Maggie forget the kiss, but instead it bought it to the forefront of both of their minds again.
Sydney hadn't kissed a lot. Just closed mouthed pecks from her fiancé, the kind she'd foisted on Maggie. She'd thought about it a lot, wished she'd opened her mouth a little, wished she'd run her hand from Maggie's shoulder down to her chest. Wished she hadn't run away, but she was terrified – first by her need to kiss Maggie that she hadn't been able to deny, despite being Maggie's superior, despite potentially getting into trouble from HR if Maggie had wanted to report her. And secondly by her body's reaction to Maggie – not just when she was kissing her, but all the time – she could tell when Maggie walked into a room because it felt… better. And when she was near Maggie, she wanted more, she wanted to do things that her religion condemned. And that scared her. Sydney had faith, she had so much faith – but Maggie had shaken her faith, had pushed it to its knees. Maggie might have been sent as a test – or she might have been sent as a godsend. Sydney'd been attracted to other women before – in primary and high and med school – but she'd been able to resist, had never lost control like that before. She'd found herself fascinated by other women, but Maggie… Maggie followed her home. Sydney found herself replaying their interactions, wishing she'd said something cleverer, counting every smile from Maggie as a win. She found herself having imaginary conversations with Maggie, ones that ended in soft kisses and maybe more – Sydney shut down her daydreams, followed them with prayer. But her mind, when it drifted, drifted to Maggie. It drifted to Maggie's stupid hair that Sydney wanted to run her fingers through, Maggie's laugh, the small frown she made when she was concentrating during surgery, Maggie's soft mouth.
Sydney had never kissed a woman before, and now she couldn't imagine living her life without doing it again.
She also can't imagine the difficulties her life would present if she did. Her parents, her church, her community – Sydney couldn't justify her attraction to Maggie against her religion, and she couldn't see anyone else understanding or accepting this either.
Other than Maggie – who hadn't reported her, who had let Sydney hug her even though she suspected Sydney would kiss her again. Maggie pushed the issue, but not spitefully. Maggie knew what Sydney was, and didn't seem bothered by it, just confused as to why Sydney was trying to lock away part of herself. Maggie was… Maggie was perfect, and so soft, if tense when hugged.
Maggie would accept her, and her opinion mattered a lot to Sydney. But Maggie was straight. Maggie liked men. And Sydney was engaged – finally, to the relief of her parents. Sydney had tried to make it clear that the kiss was a one-time lapse of judgement, and she knew Maggie didn't buy it, knew Maggie would keep pushing – maybe Maggie would even kiss her, to prove the point, Sydney thought hopefully, fingers brushing her mouth, remembering Maggie's lips. Sydney couldn't kiss Maggie again, but if Maggie was to instigate, Sydney wouldn't be able to stop her. Sydney wouldn't want to stop her. Sydney couldn't allow herself to kiss Maggie again.
But a hug – that was allowed. The kiss Sydney was still trying to pass off as a momentary lapse, not a quick-set crush that she couldn't shake. But a hug, between colleagues – that was allowed, that was fine.
But Sydney had wanted more from that hug, wanted more from Maggie. She'd wanted to hold Maggie, to feel like she'd managed to comfort her. Instead it had been so unsatisfying in so many ways, and now Sydney really had to face the fact that her crush on Maggie was growing, rather than dissipating.
Sydney would never want to kiss Herschel the way she had wanted to kiss Maggie, she'd never offer him a hug and only awkwardly and passively accepted any physical contact he offered. But she was committed to him now, and she had to step away from Maggie, had to stop thinking about her, forget the feel of Maggie's breasts against her chest.
It was cold comfort that Maggie was apparently thinking about the kiss as much as Sydney was.
Notes:
I'll be putting these in order as and when I write them.
Please let me know how you feel about these, and if you think there are any other good moments to follow up or capture.