8: Three women and a baby

After the baby is weighed, and Alex has delivered the placenta, Sydney - despite her earlier claim of not caring so much once the babies were born - cooed pretty convincingly to the tiny Reid in her arms as she held him like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Maggie's been in Alex's heart – and today, her vagina – but she's never looked at Alex the way she looks at Sydney as she cradles Alex's newborn. Maggie looks at the baby like he is precious – but she looks at Sydney as though she is the most precious thing in the world.

The mood was somber with the loss of Joel, but Maggie watched Sydney's every move hungrily. Alex suspects that if Maggie wasn't determined to stay with Alex for support, Maggie would follow Sydney from Alex's room into Sydney's office and bend her backwards over her desk. And Alex hasn't seen this before – she hadn't paid much attention to Sydney as anything other than an obstetrician, or Maggie's stories – only about work, somehow missing the wistful look on Maggie's face during the retelling. The look on Maggie's face she'd never seen before, never focused on Joel or Gavin.

But when Sydney handed Maggie the baby, the backs of her hands careful against Maggie's chest with a certain familiarity with being this close to her - Sydney excused herself, and Maggie was so caught up in the baby she that she doesn't see what Alex sees; she doesn't see Sydney turn at the door, learning on it with her fingers curled on the frame, watching Maggie with an intense, longing gaze before biting her lip, turning and walking away.

And it clicked for Alex, why Maggie hadn't dated all year, since Gavin. It clicked, the quiet, thoughtful look on Maggie's face for most of the year. Alex looked at Maggie; Maggie hadn't said anything to Alex about this, and Alex suspects it's out of respect for the Orthodox doctor's privacy, but she knows, in that moment, that Maggie has been considering Sydney, and from the look Sydney just gave Maggie it's reciprocated.

Alex watched Maggie rock her baby. Alex had never seen Maggie look at anyone like that, and while it's a surprise, it's not unpleasant or unwelcome. Just new information. Maggie looks good holding a baby, and Alex can't get enough of looking at her sweet, sweet baby that Maggie bought into the world after losing her own. If Maggie had carried to term, she might not have been there for Alex, she might not have met Sydney, might be playing out a charade with Gavin until returning for work – and meeting Sydney. Because this seems destined, this seems… logical. Even if Maggie had never expressed interest in women before, had never mentioned this thing with Sydney with Alex, Alex thinks this makes sense. Maggie is calm and practical, and Sydney is fierce, passionate and balanced. They match, and Maggie seems able to overlook gender – or perhaps it's because Sydney is a woman that this works.

Alex thinks that something must have happened between them, something must have been said or done because Maggie is practical and doesn't chase ghosts. She'll chase the past, but she won't waste time on what-ifs.

And Joel is dead, dead, dead, body blown to bits from what Maggie said, so this is a welcome distraction. The baby might be his, Joel might live on in her child, but for now Alex is happy to distract herself with this new information.

When she's alone, she'll think about Joel, about the good years – and the bad, and why it would never have worked between them, and how terrible a father he would have been in terms of commitment, and how great he would have been at holding Luke. Not as good as Maggie, who has quieted his fussing and rocked him to sleep. Maggie looks up, a little teary still, and Alex remembers that Maggie used to date Joel too, that she's lost an ex as well.

But they both passed the boards, they're both full doctors now, and they both have someone who looks at them like they're made of magic.

And Sydney had somehow won Maggie the chance to pass the boards that Alex had nearly cost her – although Alex knows that both her baby and her might not have survived without Maggie, can't fault her choice, is incredibly grateful – Alex had missed the way Sydney was willing to go to the wall for Maggie. It makes sense now, that Sydney would make that effort for her resident.

Sydney turned at the door, drank in the sight of a still-crying Maggie holding her best friend's – and maybe her ex-boyfriend's – baby. She commits the moment to memory, knowing that this is her last week and she should tell Maggie she's leaving – but not willing to step back into the grief, not willing to face Maggie's questions. Maggie asks the most pointed questions that make Sydney question herself, and Sydney is already questioning herself. She can't leave if Maggie asks her to stay. She can't lie if Maggie asks if she feels something for her – and she does, she really does. She had a crush on Neshama, but she's fallen for Maggie. She's never felt anything this real, this real and terrifying.

Sydney is scared, so she's running. She knows that, she's acknowledged that, but she doesn't want Maggie to know, to ask. Once she admits to Maggie how deeply she feels, she can't turn back, she can't take it back, and for whatever reason Maggie had to kiss her back, to take her to bed, to tenderly make love to her in the on-call room, Sydney knows it wasn't the same reason Sydney had had to kiss Maggie, it wasn't because Maggie felt anything for her. Sydney had somehow seduced Maggie, but it would never last. Maggie was everything Sydney wanted in a woman – except gay. And Sydney couldn't live with that, couldn't work alongside her without wanting more. Better to remove herself from temptation.

Maggie finally invited herself into Sydney's office a few days later, the way she used to invite herself into Gavin's, the way she invited herself into Dr Dey's.

Sydney looked up from her computer, smiled as Maggie lay down on the couch, exhaustion in her features. Maggie shifted positions a few times, then sat up, disgusted.

"I swear, all you staff surgeons get these lumpy things from the same place."

"That was Dr Kalfas'," Sydney said, smiling again as Maggie stood up suddenly, face scrunching in more disgust. "I had it laundered," she said lamely, apologetically. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Yes, you," Maggie wanted to say, but settled for "Does it get any easier?" She'd lost a fetus that afternoon, had been in surgery since, not sure how to deal with it, how to get over the tiny limbs curled around a still body.

"Not really. You don't feel it any less, each time." Sydney had been following Maggie's surgeries even though Maggie didn't really answer to her anymore, just to check in and congratulate Maggie on her successes – and be prepared for a moment exactly like this.

"Great," Maggie muttered as she threw herself back on the couch. She rested her head in her hands, running her thumbs over her temples.

And it was then that Sydney knew that she'd made the right decision. Maggie would keep coming in with her friendship, and Sydney would wait, anticipating a sign that it wasn't just friendship that would never come. Maggie would never storm in here, slam the door behind her, pull Sydney to her feet, kiss her thoroughly, push her backwards onto her desk, hands on Sydney's hips as she stepped between her legs, tugging the flimsy scrub top over Sydney's head, busy mouth peppering Sydney's face and chest with kisses. Maggie would never come in here and perch on the corner of the desk next to the computer, stop Sydney's hand on the mouse and bring it to her mouth to kiss Sydney's palm. Maggie would never come in and want her, want anything more.

And Sydney's has to leave, because Maggie would never do those things, even though she was a surgical fellow and not her resident. The position didn't make a difference, because Maggie didn't feel the same.

Sydney stood up, stretched, stepped out from behind her desk.

"I'm going home," she said, exhaustion in her voice. "If I knew a way to make it better, I would let you know." Maggie stood up too, and Sydney stepped into her. Sydney hugged Maggie under the guise of making her feel better after a hard day.

And this is the hug Sydney was looking for last time. There was no awkwardness this time. This was the soft, warm, comfortable and comforting hug she'd been looking for last time. This hug was soft breasts pressed against her own, Maggie's breathing soft and calm in her hair, soft hands aimlessly wandering her back.

"Thank you, Maggie," Sydney mumbled into Maggie's neck. "Thank you for setting me free." Sydney remembered the way Maggie's half-naked body had moved against her once, compared it to the way it felt fully-dressed pressed against her. Maggie hummed as she moved her hands up to run through Sydney's hair.

"You did that yourself. I'm so, so proud of you." This was dangerous territory now, and Sydney was going to pack up her office tomorrow so she had nothing to lose. Sydney stepped back and looked at Maggie, still in a loose embrace.

If Sydney kissed Maggie again, Sydney didn't think she would be able to walk away. Because right now she knew, with great certainty, that Maggie would kiss her back, and Sydney would be filled with hope again. And it was hopeless, and the longer this dragged out the more torn Sydney would be, the more it would hurt when Maggie finally set the record straight, so to speak.

They looked at each other awkwardly, Sydney still weighing her odds. Slowly she leaned in and kissed Maggie on the cheek, letting her lips linger as Maggie cradled her head.

Sydney stepped back. "Goodnight, Dr Lin." Sydney said, instead of goodbye. Maggie won't be here when Sydney clears out her office, and Sydney can't bear to tell her goodbye. She'll email Maggie a glowing reference to assuage her guilt, but she can't say goodbye.

Sydney walked away without looking back.

Maggie got a free pass, because of Sydney,

And it was another 12 months and an explosion before she saw her again.

Notes:

Season 3, episode 18 interlude.

I had an alternate ending where Sydney let Maggie know that she was leaving – but then it makes Sydney saying 'Goodbye's aren't really my thing…" in Season 4 episode 12 not fit… so this is the 3rd draft.

Please let me know your thoughts etc.