Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I had just accepted it. Fate is, of course, decided for us. Had I not opened my mouth, they might still be here. It's almost like I was afraid. Afraid of what I knew I had to do. If I didn't switch, I could have died. I suppose I was still young and arrogant back then, and my life was more important than theirs'. Where I ever got that idea I'll never know. I'm trash compared to them. Just another Black, as many say.
Even after I switched, we still remained the closest of friends, James and I. We didn't ever see each other, but deep down we were still brothers, though not by blood. He was in my thoughts every night, though I'm sure I was not in his. He had more important things to worry about, like the safekeeping of his family. I wasn't in contact with Remus either, for he had been working undercover for the ministry. This wasn't the real reason though. I thought him the traitor - the one leaking information and secrets, and basically selling out our lives. How I ever could have thought that I won't know.
Our friendship was so tightly knit during our school days that nothing tore us apart. When I was suspended for two weeks for a prank gone awry, even though James and Remus were mad at me, they still wrote to me, asking how I was doing at home. That was just like them, caring more for me than for the fight between us. Even when we did fight it didn't last long. I believe that one, the worst, only lasted about two weeks. We couldn't stand being apart for long. We were the Marauders, all for one and one for all, brothers to the end. We trusted each other with our lives, and we always had each other's back.
Or so we thought.
James and I were friends from the time we first saw each other. We were around three and had been dropped off at the daycare center. Though our families were sworn enemies, we saw nothing in each other except a play partner. Remus and I were friends from hello on the Hogwarts Express. Same with the rat and I. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I never should have asked his name. That short chubby child would be the death of us, for he was the one that caused our friendships to be destroyed.
He, in some fashion, got me believing that Remus was the traitor. He had this angelic façade around him. He was so talentless, so clumsy, and so useless, that I figured he was just sort of...there. No real reason for living. Though I suppose he was meant to break down my ego, of which I suppose I have none of now. I was indifferent to him and thought nothing of how cast aside he always was. I thought we offered him enough friendship at the time, but now I feel ashamed at how horrible we treated him. He was the downtrodden one, the loner, and the follower. Maybe that's why he joined the dark-side, because no one on the light-side really seemed to care for him.
Maybe that's where my guilt really comes from.
Maybe I was the one who drove him to become evil, since I seemed to be the worst to him. Remus, as always, treated him with respect. James at least tried to include him, whether he really wanted to or not.
So technically, whether I was the one who had sold out Lily and James or not, I had handed them over. I practically gave them to the Dark Lord on a silver platter. I drove the rat to a state of an evil frame of mind. I practically begged James to switch in fear of what would happen to me, though I said it was obvious I'd be their secret keeper. Yes, that's what everyone had thought - that I was the obvious choice.
That had nothing to do with it whatsoever.
I was a weakling, despite my success in school. I had top grades, though I hardly ever studied. I just seemed to know it all. It was already there. I knew the spells, I knew the charms, I just had a fear of using them. Of course I would for pranks, tests, and exams, but those were nothing compared to real life. The Big Bad World was a thousand times worse, if not more, than our petty problems at school. Those consisted of what girl to go out with that week, what stores to go to on Hogsmeade weekend, and who to prank that week.
So basically our friendship was torn from the inside out. Back then we believed we'd grow old together. But look at us now. James, the so-called-ringleader of our group, the one who held us together, was dead. Remus, the mastermind behind it all, believed everything about me, about how I was a traitor. I couldn't blame him though. Pe - that rat - is as good as dead. And then came me, Sirius Black, resident troublemaker of the group. I am also as good as dead, sitting here in this cold, dark, slimy cell, wasting away.
The Marauders, Gryffindor troublemakers who caused all the teachers headaches, were not as high and mighty as we thought we were. And it took fate, wrong choices, and me, to bring it all apart.
And I could never forgive myself for that.
Ever.