Title: An Awful Thing
By: Jedishampoo (Jedishampoo at aol dot com)
Rating: PG-13 overall; may be higher later.
Summary: Howl and Sophie get mixed up in magical and dimensional doings, and Sophie is just mixed up. Humor/Adventure/Romance thingie. Crossover between Howl's Moving Castle and Terry Pratchett's Discworld.
Author's Notes: This is movieverse!Howl and company. I've read the books by Diana Wynne Jones, and so a little bookishness may creep in here and there, but the movie is what made me fall in love with the characters. Comments, constructive criticism eagerly welcomed.
And now, for some plot-advancing. Anyone read Pratchett? ;)
"Me name's Dibbler," the dirty little man said. He'd opened up quickly enough once he'd realized he was dealing with a wizard and a fire demon. He still looked a bit frightened, but his words and demeanor held a sort of quaint, greasy pride. "C.M.O.T. Dibbler."
"C.M.O.T.?" asked Sophie.
"C.M.O.T.," echoed Markl, screwing up his nose.
Howl couldn't blame the boy. The awful smell that had hovered about the man in the market hadn't only come from his sausages. He was so ugly that even Wilhelmina wasn't flirting with him. And he was sitting on one of Howl's nice kitchen chairs. Sophie would not be happy, cleaning this room later.
"Charles Marcus Ogden Thomas?" suggested Calcifer.
But C.M.O.T. Dibbler did not elaborate, just stared at all of them in turn.
"You're not from around here, are you?" Howl prompted. He wasn't used to performing this kind of interrogation. It was the sort of thing Suliman was best at, and he felt yet another twinge of annoyance at the way she'd refused to deal with the problem. And at how angry she'd made Sophie. Or rather, how she'd made him make Sophie angry at him. Or something.
"Nah. I'm just visitin'."
"Chop My Own Trees?" said Wilhelmina-- Granny, Howl reminded himself-- and cackled at her own wit.
"Carry My Own Things?" guessed Markl. The boy had noticed Dibbler's sign-pole hung with junk and his filthy satchel full of dubious treasures, and was sifting through them with round eyes. Howl caught sight of what looked like grimy candies, some gaudy fake jewelry, and other things he thought he should recognize, but didn't. There were little black boxes with glass circles in their fronts, and silver rings with pictures attached to them-- hadn't he seen those somewhere before? and-- Howl turned back to Dibbler. Now was not the time to gawk.
"And you're from… where?" he continued.
"I'm from Ankh-Morpork," Dibbler told them, with a little smirk. "Greatest city in the world."
Howl did not know the place. That was unfortunate. He'd hoped it would be an easy thing to return the man to where he belonged, but it was starting to look like he might actually have to expend some effort to solve this little mystery.
"He's got magic all over him, Howl," Calcifer warned.
"I know," Howl agreed. The man was absolutely covered in layers of magic. Dibbler was no wizard himself-- Howl would have known that instantly-- but somehow he'd managed to travel between worlds, and more than one, to boot. Howl pulled out the change purse, and waved it in Dibbler's face. "Can you tell me where you got this?"
"Cecil Max Oliver Thornton?" Sophie mused. Howl rolled his eyes at her, and she turned up her nose at him. But he saw her secret little smile. That was a good sign.
"I think I got it in a place called Lonnon," Dibbler said. He stuck out a disgusting tongue for emphasis. "I din't like it. It was smelly, crowded and dirty. And comin' from a place like Ankh-Morpork, that's sayin' something."
Howl had been to London, too, and he hadn't liked it much, either. Except for that one girl... Dahlia, or something like that. She'd been only too willing to show a new young wizard about town, though she hadn't really believed Howl was a wizard. London was not a place for magic; Howl had learned quickly to hide his nature. London was, however, a place full of very fast young women...
Whoa! Howl caught himself. He was a changed man, now, staid and faithful. Look how responsible he was being! He shook his head to clear it.
"Can you tell us more about Ank More Pork?" Sophie interjected. She gave Dibbler her sweetest smile.
Dibbler preened a little. "Like I said, the greatest city in the world. Can't believe you've not heard of it, you being Pendragon, Wizard at Magic and all." He was quoting the new sign on the Kingsbury door at them. "On the Sto Plain? River Ankh? Home of Unseen University? Chock full o' wizards."
"Unseen University? Wizards?" Howl interjected. Now they were getting somewhere. "Did they send you here?"
"Uh. Not 'zactly." Dibbler looked discombobulated for a moment, and then he caught sight of Markl and Wilhelmina digging through his things. "'Ere! Don't you touch that!"
"Carries Much Odd Trash," Calcifer tried.
"It's 'Cut Me Own Throat,' damn you! 'Throat' for short, but only to me friends. Which I'll cut yours iffen you don't stop pawin' through me things!"
"Don't worry, Mr. Dibbler, we don't want to steal your wares," Sophie said. Howl hadn't noticed Sophie step away, but now he saw her returning with a glass of ale. She handed it to Dibbler with another of her wonderful smiles, and pulled up a chair to sit next to him. Howl was all in awe; he'd not been brave enough to get so close once they were inside. Sophie continued to butter the man up. "You're probably thirsty, and you've had a long day. Tell us more about your travels-- we're just not used to strangers, and we're curious."
Dibbler beamed at her, and leered. Sophie managed to look expectant and pleased as Dibbler gulped the ale. Howl's awe grew by leaps. It worked. Dibbler opened up amazingly.
"Well, young lady, I been a lot o' places lately. I went to this world full o' pink fuzzy things, but I din't like it there. That London, I din't like it, neither. Though as you see I got lots o' good stuff there." He gestured at his bag, which Markl had managed to quit violating for a few moments. Wilhelmina was still digging, but she was better at hiding her thievery. "There was a land o' giant trees, that was pretty. But I'm a businessman, as you see, so I picked up things here an' there. I was doing really well sellin' stuff in this town, especially. See, I got magical powers hangin' around outside the University. One morning I woke up feelin' all funny, and suddenly I could see all these black, hazy doors. So I walked through one of 'em."
That's what they'd been waiting to hear, thought Howl. Calcifer obviously thought so, too; he cracked his flames loudly in triumph. Good for Sophie! Howl sat and leaned closer.
Dibbler talked, and talked, to Sophie at least. And Howl and Markl and Granny and Calcifer listened. Apparently Dibbler was a sort of pariah in his own city, though he didn't say so in as many words. These other worlds through the black, hazy doors had offered him the business opportunity of a lifetime, the chance to sell things in places where people wouldn't chase him away with torches and swords. At least not right away, Howl thought, remembering the sausages.
But Howl was mostly unmoved in that respect. Dibbler couldn't stay here in Ingary, that was for certain, and someone so unlearned and uncouth could not be allowed to roam free through all those unsuspecting worlds. Howl was sure he could send Dibbler back where he belonged; that would be easy. Like tossing a stone into a lake. Once he knew where the world was, that is. But the rogue spell which had allowed Dibbler to see the doors-- that would have to be removed in this Ankh-Morpork. That Unseen University sounded promising in that regard.
Howl had a natural mistrust of organized wizard-dom. But he really had no choice in this matter. Surely there was someone there who would be willing clean up their own spells and ensure that Dibbler wreaked no further havoc on existence.
Howl stood and paced, causing Dibbler to halt his extended attempt to impress Sophie. They all looked up at him.
"You'll have to go back home, you know," Howl announced. Dibbler gasped in protest, and Calcifer emitted a short, evil laugh. Howl shook the purse at Dibbler again. "This might as well go, too. And all those other things on my table. We'll deal with the rest of the things you've sold after that's done."
"Don't wanna," Dibbler said.
There was more. Dibbler could not be trusted to seek magical 'treatment' himself. Howl shot an apologetic glance at Sophie. "I'm afraid I'll have to go with you. I don't see any other way."
"Then I'm going, too," Sophie announced.
Sophie won't like this, Howl thought. "No. I'm not sure yet where 'there' is." He gave her his most melting smile, hoping it would soothe her, while being entirely sure that it wouldn't. "Don't worry! I'll be there and back soon enough, and I won't get hurt. I promise."
"I'm not worried about your safety," Sophie grated out between clenched teeth. She stood, and shook her fists. "It's just-- that was my purse, I bought it, and if you think I'm going to let-- Oooooh!"
She stomped down the steps, turned the dial to yellow for Market Chipping, then whisked out the door and slammed it behind her.
Howl stared at the shut door for a few stunned moments. He'd not thought that Sophie would be happy at his leaving, but who would have thought she'd get that angry? What was wrong with her lately, anyway? It seemed that all he had to do anymore was look at her funny, or merely look at her at all, and she went all pink and snippy.
Howl's heart stopped for a moment at the awful suspicion that crawled into his brain. Maybe she was going to leave him. She didn't want to marry him, after all. What would he do without her? Should he go after her? Everyone was staring at him.
All of a sudden he really, really, really wanted to go somewhere and mope for a while. It had been ages since he'd had a good session of old-fashioned self-pity.
"Don't you worry, handsome. She'll be back," Wilhelmina said into the dazed silence. "At least she's not moping and sighing anymore."
Calcifer merely snapped his flames, in agreement or argument, Howl couldn't tell.
Now, then, was apparently not a good time to have a mope himself. Drama was a one-man show, anyway. Or one-woman, as the case may be. Howl looked at Markl. "You'll help me, then, I hope?" Markl nodded.
Howl sighed. Fine. He'd do the location spell for Ankh-Morpork, first. Then he'd find Sophie, say goodbye. Then he'd go to this University. Then, when this mess was taken care of, he'd indulge himself. He'd find a thundering rainstorm, and a nice mud puddle, and a few spare hours to be good and tragic.
Howl looked at Dibbler, intending to appear stern, but the best he could do was give an embarrassed shrug that said, women.
End Chapter 5
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