Chapter 5
Haley had woken up the next morning to the burning sunlight skimming through her window shades. She lazily rubbed her eyes before sitting up and stretching her arms. She sat there in silence letting the morning haze overtake her before she heard the gagging sound coming from across the hall.
Her mother had risen early this morning too it seemed, throwing up her pain from the night before.
Haley quickly got up from her bed, threw her hair into a ponytail, put on a pair of basketball shorts, and a loose white t-shirt, and sprinted down her stairs and out the front door.
She couldn't take the sound. Her mother throwing up all the alcohol she had ingested the night before, and Haley couldn't stop the feeling of guilt that rose in her own stomach.
Everything always seemed to be her fault in this family.
She let out a tired sigh before slowly beginning her jog down the quiet streets of Tree Hill, she didn't know where she was going, she just continued to move her feet one after the other.
She stopped when she saw it. It was illuminated by the morning rays; glistening sparkles came off the rust. It looked so gothic, so worn down in most ways, and it drew her in like a moth to a flame. The basketball court couldn't have been in a better location. Next to the water, green grass fields surrounding it, and a basketball she had immediately noticed sitting in an empty trashcan. She couldn't stop her fingers as they picked up the ball, or the way it spun in her hands, she wasn't coherently thinking as the ball dribbled on the ground, and she defiantly didn't plan on letting the ball fly loose from her fingertips, sailing through the air, and landing directly through the net for a perfect "swoosh" effect.
She heard the distant sound of a clap coming from behind her, and once she shook her head from her live daydream she turned around to see a smirking Nathan standing there looking at her with amusement and perplexity.
"You weren't lying were you."
Haley shrugged her shoulders as she turned around and stared at the now stilled ball.
"I'm descent, not great."
She felt his presence as he stood next to her and could feel his body heat radiating off of him.
"Perfect form, perfect release, perfect shot, but your right Haley, your not good at all, in fact I would say your horrible."
She let out a light giggle before turning and hitting him lightly in the arm.
"Hey!"
He held his hands up in mock surrender as a light chuckle escaped his lips.
"I'm just agreeing with you Hales."
Her lips curled as the nickname left his lips, and then fell when she remembered her conversation with her father, and could feel her body tense as the name replayed over and over in her head, taunting at her.
Nathan noticed the way her body now seemed shut off, and watched as a crease formed on her forehead.
"What's wrong?"
His concern was touching, and she was grateful for it, but the last thing she wanted to do was go over what she had just experienced. She simply wanted to forget it, erase it from her long list of traumatic experiences.
"Nothing's wrong I was just thinking."
"About what?"
Haley racked her brain for something she could say that would throw him off his direction. She knew he didn't believe her, and she also knew that he still believed something was wrong with her.
She turned her head so that she was now standing in front of him and snatched the ball that he had tucked under his arm.
"About how I'm going to beat your butt in basketball for calling me horrible Scott."
He gaze turned from worried to amused as he towered over the 5'3 girl.
"I'll believe that when I see it James."
Haley spun the ball in her hands and let out a small sigh of failure as she thought about how she had sworn this up since Tim was gone. She looked up at the sky and said a mental apology before letting the ball slide through her fingers and it soared through the net.
"Oh believe it Scott, and I believe the score is 1 zip, make it take it to 10."
Nathan titled his head to the side as he stared down at her with playful eyes.
"Now that's not fair Haley James."
Haley picked up the ball as it rolled back to her and shot it again.
"Who ever said this was going to be fair? The score is now 2 zip Nathan Scott, if I was you I'd start playing some D."
His smile grew wider and Haley couldn't stop her own grin from applying to her lips.
"Your going to regret that Ms. James."
She faked the ball and then fell back for a perfect fade away. Nathan watched the ball fall through the net and stared back at Haley amazed. She gave him a wink before a smirk planted on her lips.
"I highly doubt that Mr. Scott."
They had played 4 games. Haley had won the first three and Nathan had finally redeemed himself with a win at the end. They were now sitting on top of the picnic table both slightly winded from their work out.
"It feels good."
Nathan turned to her shock written across his features as Haley socked him in his shoulder.
"Stop thinking dirty Scott, I meant playing again."
He gave her an innocent smile and she playfully rolled her eyes at him.
"Why'd you give it up anyway? Your one hell of a player Haley, and I'm not just saying that because you beat me."
Her brown eyes stared up at his and a smirk immediately came to her lips at the mention of his defeat.
"Okay maybe I am, but still your amazing out there."
Haley nodded her head while taking her eyes off of him and allowing them to trace back to the court.
"Thanks, but you were easy."
She heard the small scoff that came from his mouth and turned to look at his playful hurt face.
"Haley James you do know your talking to the caption of the Tree Hill Ravens right?"
"Wow, I feel bad for this town then, your team must really suck."
She gave him a wide smile before letting a giggle escape her lips signaling she was just messing with him. Nathan joined her and let his own laugh leave his lips before his voice picked up again.
"We're actually third in state right now."
The way he said it made her like him. It didn't come off as cocky, or make him seem bigheaded, but it was said in a dream like tone. She could tell how lucky he viewed himself to be, with the position he was in.
And she found herself falling deeper and deeper into his charm.
"That's amazing Nathan."
He nodded his head while letting his eyes glaze over the court.
"Yeah it's defiantly that."
Haley lightly leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. It was weird feeling this comfortable around him. She barely knew him, but yet she felt as if he was the only one she truly knew. Everyone else seemed like they were hiding something, but Nathan, he was just an open book and that's what she found so appealing about him.
The fact that he accepted her, and never pushed her. He just wanted to be with her, no hidden agendas attached. It had been so long since she last remembered having someone of that nature in her life.
"You should try out when school starts."
Her thoughts shifted to Tim, as she lifted her head from Nathan's shoulder. Could she do that? Could she start playing a sport her brother loved so much? A sport that he nonetheless had taught her? Was she strong enough to walk onto a court and play, really play, and not feel like that was betraying her brother? Was ready to finally let go?
She watched the ball roll from the slight gust of wind and couldn't help but feel the calmness she had just experienced moments before.
The truth was she missed it. She missed playing, being able to have an outlet for her problems.
She turned her head and looked at Nathan's blue eyes, and felt the security as his stare poured into her body.
"Maybe."
He nodded his head taking her answer for what it was. Not pushing her, or telling her that she needed to do it, but he let her think it over. He let her make up her own decision. Something she hadn't done in so long.
Her eyes left his body as she stared back at the abandoned court.
She finally felt like she was home.
"Mom told me about last night Hales."
Haley nodded her head while keeping it focused on staring at the stores as they passed by the passenger window. The car slowed at the stoplight and she could feel Jake's impatient stare on the side of her face.
"You want to tell me what happened?"
Haley let out a small sigh before turning her head and letting her eyes connect with her brother's.
"Not really."
Jake's face constructed into anger as he rolled his eyes at Haley and turned his attention back to the stoplight that had just turned green. Haley didn't miss the flash of hurt that lit them.
"Jake don't do that."
"Do what?"
His voice was irritated and ruff and it was killing Haley to know she made him this way.
"Be mad at me."
He nodded his head while keeping his focus on the road; she looked down to the steering wheel to see his knuckles turning white from gripping it so hard.
"Jake I'm sorry okay! I just don't want to talk about it."
She could feel her own frustration growing as her voice started to pick up volume.
"You never want to talk about it Haley!"
Haley's eyes shut close as Jake's voice screamed in her ear.
"I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but I don't know if I can keep doing that Haley."
Haley's head nodded as she took in a deep breath to calm her shaky nerves.
"It's almost as if I don't know my baby sister anymore."
The car came to a stop as Jake parked outside her therapist's building. Haley looked up at all the windows and offices before turning and staring at her broken brother.
"Did you ever?"
She watched his eyes lower and she quickly got out of the car. She couldn't take it anymore.
All his questions, and badgering. Of course she knew it was from good intentions, but it was just all so complex, so suffocating.
Haley quickly made her way up to the doctor's office before stopping in front of it and inhaling a quick deep breath. She knew this was going to be hard, everything about this was screaming at her to run. Get out now, before she was in to deep, but she couldn't. There was a stronger force pushing for her to step forward and open the door.
She slowly opened the door and walked in to see the doctor staring down at a file and marking things off with his bright orange pen.
"Your late Ms. James."
She stumbled over to the leather couch and quickly sat down, while mumbling an apology.
"Sorry."
He sat his pen down before leaning back in his chair and giving her a kind smile.
"It's quite alright."
The way he spoke reminded Haley of a British gentleman. So proper and refined.
"So how about we get started?"
His voice hinted at curiosity, excitement if you will, and it almost made her shutter. She simply nodded her head without responding and waited for his first dreaded question about her past to pop up.
"Have you met any new friends Haley?"
Haley was thrown off guard to the old man's question and as a sparkle of amusement flickered in his eyes she felt more and more confused with this man's "techniques."
"A couple."
He nodded his head while narrowing his eyes into her.
"Do any of them know?"
She licked her bottom lip as she shrugged her shoulders in mock confusion.
"Know what?"
He lifted his glasses high up his nose before staring her down. She knew his patience was wearing thin, but she could also see how well he was keeping his demeanor composed.
"About your past Haley."
The way he was looking at her could have made any other human being feel small, or inadequate, almost as if he was talking to a 5 year old, but for Haley she didn't feel as if she was being scolded.
For some reason it made her feel confident, comfortable even.
"No, not really."
His question made her mind wonder off to Nathan. She wasn't lying to the doctor, because Nathan didn't know about her past. He might have been clued in on the fact that she had some skeletons in her closet but besides that he had no idea.
And yet thinking over it she almost wished he had known.
"Did something happen over the weekend?"
She sunk back into the couch as she fiddled her thumbs on her lap.
"My father was here."
Haley's eyes came up to the doctor's as he took off his glasses and stared back at her for a moment.
"And how did that go?"
Haley shrugged her shoulders as her eyes lifted up to the ceiling.
"Alright I guess." She raised her eyebrows as a frustrated sigh left her lips. "Could have been worse."
"How so?"
Haley's eyes drifted down from the ceiling and met back with his.
"Well he could be dead." She licked her bottom lip again as she folded her arms across her chest. "But then again that probably would have made it better not worse."
"Haley why do you hate your father so much?"
Haley's eyes snapped to the doctor's and when her mouth opened to respond it just as quickly shut, as she realized no words were coming out. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth aand let out a tired sigh.
"A lot of reasons."
Dr. Williams nodded his head while giving Haley a small shrug.
"Like what?"
"He left me isn't that reason enough!"
She didn't mean to raise her voice. She hadn't even meant to say what she had. It just slipped. She leaned back from her up right position that she was previously in and gave the doctor an apology through her eyes. When she locked her gaze with his he didn't look taken back, or even shocked by her outburst, he was more relieved. Thankful that she was at least feeling now, showing her emotions to him.
"Why did he leave Haley?"
"I don't know."
She cast her eyes away from his and lowered them to the ground. Her voice was now whispered and each moment she spent in the room felt like she was being forced to open her old wounds.
"Yes you do."
Haley shook her head as tears sprung to her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?"
"Because it's to hard."
The room fell silent as Haley's pained whisper filled the room. The doctor studied her for a moment before speaking again.
"Death is a horrible thing to deal with Haley."
Haley's eyes focused in on the floor as she inhaled a much-needed breath. She knew where he was going with this and she didn't want to deal with it. She couldn't bear to hear it.
"And I can't even imagine what you must have gone through, when you were informed-"
"I wasn't informed Doctor."
She finally allowed her broken eyes to trail up and meet the doctor's confused stare. Her voice came out in a small whisper, so delicate and broken.
"I'm the one who found him."
Her mind clouded over with the image of Tim. She closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands trying to block out the memory. This is what she was so terrified of, remembering it. Remembering the way his body had a pool of blood surrounding him, or the way she crouched down beside him to see the gun in his fingers. She could still see his lifeless eyes staring back up at her, wide open, while he lay there dead. Sometimes she would snap out of a daydream and still see his blood covering her hands, and she could still feel the silence suffocating her as she sat there staring at her nightmare.
Not knowing what to do, not being able to open her mouth, and just staring at her hero. She could still feel her heart rate quicken, and her lungs begin to heave up and down in a faster motion, and she could almost physically rehash the snail movement of it all. It had felt as if her world was moving at an unbearable slow rate.
"That's not on your file."
Haley nodded her head while brushing away a few stray tears.
"It's because no one else knows."
The doctor's face constructed in sympathy as he stared at the broken girl sitting in front of him.
"You should tell your family Haley, maybe it would help them understand."
Haley shook her head as she rubbed her tired eyes.
"They've already been through too much. I can't just throw this on them. I mean my mom, she's barely holding up as it is, and Jake would just smother me even more, and I can't deal with that right now."
Haley looked at the doctor and watched as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. She terrified him, and she knew why. No one could understand how Haley James had remained so strong, so unbreakable on the outside. Any other person would have gone insane with the struggle Haley was put up against, but Haley just stood still and let the storm take over her. In some ways, she became her own fight.
She was her own struggle.
"It wasn't your fault Haley, and I know you want to take the fall for this, but people who do these things aren't looking for people to take their blame. In the end it's because their tired of blaming themselves. They're looking for an easy way out."
Haley nodded her head at the doctor's words, not really processing them or understanding them, but nevertheless taking them in. Her mind was still flooded with Tim's image.
The only true image she could seem to remember.
"What they don't understand is suicide is never an easy way out, when you leave behind people who truly care."
Haley's eyes fell from the doctor's and before she knew it the session was over and she was walking out of his door.
Suicide.
The one word that seemed to destroy every living part in her body, but yet here she was still standing, still breathing.
Her mind flashed back to the image that seemed to haunt her in her dreams and she leaned on the wall of the building for stability.
Suicide.
For some reason Haley couldn't fit that word to her brother's death.
It didn't feel right.
The image flashed again in her mind. She opened her eyes slowly as the image started to finally haze out, and it left her mind in a confused state.
It didn't look right either.
-Sarah