I sat before the mirror on my newest dressing table, it had been a gift from Father on the eve of my seventeenth birthday celebration. The ornate oak drawers were embellished with small inlaid designs plated with gold and other metals. I had honestly hoped for something a little more practical, but knew that Father only had it in his heart to please me. The poor aging man, had been wandering off of late, walking the polished districts of London like a lost soul. I often wondered what he was so ardently searching for out in there in the dusk.
The very last rays of the dying sun sifted in past the pale blue curtains. In the mirror they were mangled and twisted reflecting off into the rest of the room at distorted angles. Everything looked so different in this light. I mused to myself that I might be looking at this safe little world of mine for the very last time. Tomorrow would find me on a ship bound for the West Indies, never to turn her head or give a glance back to England. Thrilling though it may have seemed in better moments, I found the idea increasingly unsettling as the moments of escape approached.
The entire plan had begun taking form no less than seven months ago when I had received a distressed line of correspondence from my brother, John Darling. Unhappy with his life, John had stated that he wished to set sail for distant and uncharted horizons, happily citing the adventures of their youth. He wanted to feel thrill again, no more the cold unforgiving walls of university nor the droning voices of his grey professors. So he proposed that he would take his chances against all odds, find himself an enterprising business partner and set sail for the Americas.
Ever the concerned elder sister, I responded to John immediately. I was quite surprised that it was he who seemed to miss our time in Neverland the most. I had always assumed that he, being the most given to scholarly ambition, would have the easiest time growing up and finding his way into bustling pursuits of trade within London. Nevertheless, I did my best to assure John that whatever he chose to do I would defend his course of action to Mother and Father.
It was not until a full month after this line of correspondence that little hopes and ideas began forming in the corner of my young mind. As I spent evenings being whisked about town to various social engagements and my father's office parties a plan began to slowly take shape. I wondered how I had not been so quick to share John's sentiments of disappointment with the world into which we were so rapidly being introduced. My life had become and sedate blur of niceties and meaningless propriety; escape was imperative.
So I began thinking out the best way to broach the subject with my brother. At first I half-jokingly mentioned it to him on a quiet evening when we were alone in the drawing room. Mother and Father were at a small party across town, while Michael was off in some corner of the house practicing his violin. It occurred to me that this might be the only chance I should have to mention it to him before he finally took action on his word and left London once and for all. So I cleared her throat in the dry cold December air and gazed at him hopefully.
"John, could you come sit here by the fire with me. I want to discuss your future adventures while we have the chance." I smiled brightly, doing my best to be charming. It really took so little effort most of the time.
"Certainly," John smiled. It was at this moment that I also noticed how much like a man he was starting to look. No longer the pale lanky student. Now, a good foot taller than me, he carried himself with confidence and had all the splendid good looks to match his regal manner.
He took a seat in the chair next to my own, and for a moment neither one of us spoke at all. We simply stared ahead into the flames of the fireplace, soaking in its radiant warmth. I knew this was the moment. I lifted my large brown eyes to draw his gaze.
"You know, I was thinking, the West Indies are quite far. Who will be there to take care of you? You have no wife, and I hate the thought of sending you out into the wide world alone. I couldn't bare to think of you not being well looked after." I began slowly, trying to read his expression.
John smiled cautiously, surely he though I must have known how ridiculous my talk of propriety sounded. He was leaving all safety and respectability behind to chase real life. My words were empty, though there was something else I was getting at. Something that John had also been considering in the very back of his own mind. He had dismissed the thought of me joining him quickly, though. Asking his only sister to give up a life of beauty and comfort to satisfy his curiosity about the world was far too selfish.
So I continued speaking. "Well, I thought to myself, why can't I go with John. Surely mother and father cannot object to that, after all I will be well chaperoned." I paused again to watch him.
Despite his efforts, John erupted into small bouts of laughter. My only response was a blank unsteady expression. Was he completely dismissing the idea? I could not tolerate it if he should laugh at me in such a moment. He gently reached out and took my hand then. He stopped laughing and looked at me long and hard, trying to decide if I was truly serious about what I had previously stated.
"I am sorry for that outburst. You simply sounded so earnest about your desire to be appropriately chaperoned. I could not very well decide if you were truly serious." He smiled apologetically, giving my hand a small kiss.
"Does that mean you are agreeable to the idea?" I ventured. My hand involuntarily began squeezing his in anticipation of the response.
"Agreeable, I am ecstatic that you would even consider such a thing! Oh won't it be wonderful, Wendy! Our very own adventures out there in the world. And I promise I will never make you attend another garden party, no matter what continent we land on!" All the happiness and youthful grace in John's manner poured forth as he jumped up from the chair. He drew me into a glad embrace then, burying his large nose in my hair. I loved being drawn into him like that, and always swore I could smell something of the ocean on him. Thus began, our great plans for escape.
I quickly jolted out of my reverie at the sound of Michael stirring at the end of the hallway. I had absently left the door to my room open. Without hesitation I rose to lock the white enamel door. I could not risk my youngest brother interrupting my last moments of meditation. Returning to the table I gazed at the letter I had written not more than two days ago. In it I asked my parents to forgive me, but clearly stated there was too much beyond the horizon for me to ignore. I would not live my life as a fixture, and I hoped they would understand and maybe even find the courage to follow their children one day. To Michael I left only my love.
I sealed the envelope and moved to rise from the chair once again. But at that very moment something caught my eye. It was the wide eyed girl in the mirror there, that Wendy Darling who always gazed back at me in perfect chilling silence. Her lips moved with mine, but never a sound issued from them. She was staring at me blankly now, no expectation, no judgement, simply watching. Her brown hair was pushed up into a tidy french bun and her skin seemed pale considering the season, nothing about her was astounding, except those eyes. I loved those eyes.
I wondered if the Wendy in the mirror was a good daughter to her parents. If she was on her way to her engagement party, ready to accept the fine life that she had been born into with gratitude and grace. Was she happy, or was she simply more grown up than I? I searched for the answer in her face, but found only more questions. I thought I might drive myself insane, or even worse abandon my plan of escape if I stood there staring any longer. So I turned to the closet.
The boots still laid there, motionless and suffocating in their antiquity. I picked them up and placed them on my bed, next to a faded pair of trousers, a knit cap and a worn out tweed jacket. My disguise was ready...