AN: We're nearing halfway through this book but there will be a second one so don't worry:) Thanks for all the love and support you all give me, it means a lot to me. I'm also rewriting some of my planning, mostly for the flashback chapters since I thought their relationship wasn't developed properly, but that's not for you to worry about. I've fixed that now so I'm hoping the process will be realistic-ish. As always, keep a lookout for any less visible clues that I give, in particular the body language I use for Tsu'tey since that more often than his words show his true feelings :) Also not very happy with this chapter but it came out okay, I think.
Awa faced the big, leafless tree in front of her with her eyes closed in concentration. She was trying to meditate, open her mind to Eywa and hopefully get some answers, answers she needed like she needed air. Her hands laid in her lap after she had given up on having them raised up in some kind of a prayer position that her arms quickly grew tired of. It had frightened her to feel that kind of a temptation to rush to death as she did during the meeting with the thanator. She had no idea why she all of a sudden got the urge to run towards an animal that was hunting her, and to risk her teacher's life at that. She took a deep breath and made a point to exhale loudly as if that exhale meant that all the negative thoughts flew away with it.
"What are you doing?" Ngeha asked her, having stumbled upon her figure sitting motionless in the tall grass that without a doubt had animals in it that were either hiding from the dreamwalker or stalking her.
Awa had chosen to meditate on the same spot that she and Atxa always met before training or lessons. It was in the middle of a small field full with high, green grass that the pa'li loved to graze and roll around in. There were a few trees around on the field but they were all smaller than the trees that lurked just behind the forest line. Small specks of color could be seen on the ground once you sat down that were in the shape of small flowers and plants.
"I'm meditating" Awa responded without opening her eyes. So far nothing had come out of her meditating but she had all day left and nothing else to do. She'd been sitting there for about two hours already and had no qualms with sitting there another two hours, as long as she got some answers about why all of these things were happening to her. She was just supposed to be an ordinary dreamwalker that somehow got lucky and got a shot with the big guys, but instead she was chosen by Eywa to receive a gift that so far no one had explained to her, one that also got her in heaps of trouble and made her want to rush to a certain death.
"Uhuh" Ngeha shot back with her hands firmly placed on her hips as she stared down at Awa with an unconvinced look on her stern-looking face. "This 'meditating', what is the purpose of it?"
Awa opened one eye and glanced up at her teacher's mate and then promptly shut it closed again. She had almost felt the soft embrace of Eywa when Ngeha had come to interrupt her and now she felt a sort of longing to get back in the cocoon of safety it had provided. "To get answers about my gift." She responded bluntly and shooed her softly.
"Your gift has been given to you by Eywa herself. It's a great honor, one not many have experienced. Not even during the time of the first songs." The Na'vi woman told the human one and fell down on her knees beside her. "Anything you wish to know about it you will find out only from Eywa, and some from the tsahìk."
The dreamwalker opened her eyes, staring at the Na'vi with wide, unblinking eyes. She placed her hands on her knees and leaned forward. "The tsahìk? You're telling me that you've been watching me have a mini existential crisis over this gift and not telling me that the answers are right under my nose?"
Ngeha snickered and shook her head. The Na'vi then offered a hand to the still sitting dreamwalker and stared down at her expectantly. "You haven't been asking the right questions. The tsahìk, Mo'at, is the spiritual leader of the clan. I'm sure your books mentioned it. She conveys the message of Eywa to us and she is the link. I'm certain that the tsahìk has some of the answers, mostly about the how's and not the why's"
Awa stared at the hand before she swung her own up and clasped it around the bigger one, she then with the help of Ngeha pulled herself up to her feet again. She winced at the feeling of pins and needles that spread from her toes and up to her knees before the numb feeling came and replaced the pain. "Damn feet" She murmured and tried to take a step forward, it came out as wonky and shaky because Awa couldn't feel anything under her knees.
"It's barely even a gift, it's brought me more pain and suffering than it's helped me." Awa complained once the two women started walking back to the big hometree. Already she could hear loud voices and laughs of the villagers. It felt comforting to hear the sounds of life again, the Na'vi in general brought comfort to her even if they didn't treat her the best. Yet. She was still determined to win the hearts and respect of the people she loved, she had to fight for it, she had to prove that she wasn't like the others of her kind, but in the end none of that mattered to her, no sacrifice was too big if she could finally live life the way she wanted to. "First I see visions and now I get weird feelings"
"Not that kind of feelings!" Awa protested when she saw the smug look Ngeha had on her face, who after being caught turned her nose up in the air and tried to look innocent.
Ngeha snickered again and plopped her heavy hand down on Awa's shoulders. "Of course not, and you absolutely do not have any of 'those' kinds of feelings for a certain warrior, hmm?" The Na'vi smiled and winked at Awa who was fighting off a dark blush from growing on her face. Awa swore in her mind and glared at the teasing woman. She did not have feelings for Tsu'tey! Absolutely not! He was mean to her, hateful and arrogant, but he had also shown her the occasional kindness and he went easy on her during their fight. She trailed off in her thoughts, no she did not have feelings for Tsu'tey in the slightest.
"We're rooting for you" Awa snapped her head up quizzically at Ngeha. The Na'vi was staring straight forward with only the barest of grins tugging at her lips. "Atxa and I" She clarified and briefly glanced down at the still confused Awa. " . . .Tsu'tey." Ngeha took long breaks between each word as she tried to get Awa to understand that Ngeha and Atxa were shipping them, but the message didn't seem to reach the other woman who was still staring at her with that blank look in her eyes she got every time she was confused about something.
"You're rooting for me?" Awa slowly responded and stopped walking. "What does that even mean, you're rooting for us?"
The Na'vi stopped as well and spun around to place her hands on Awa's shoulders once more before staring into her eyes. "It means that Atxa and I are waiting for you and Tsu'tey to become a mated pair"
"I don't even know him, or like him for that matter!" Awa's voice raised until it was almost at a screaming level. A slight glossiness formed in her eyes at the thought of the brave and proud warrior who proved to be her biggest and most interesting obstacle with the Omaticaya. "We will never become a mated pair. The man can't even stand me, Ngeha! Everytime he sees me he scowls at me, if he even notices me, or turns his nose up in the air like he smelled something bad! I've t-tried to prove to him that I'm different, god knows I have, but still he treats me like dirt beneath him. Scratch that, I think he treats the dirt better than me" She bitterly chuckles and dug her feet into the dirt under her feet, marking her point. A single tear snaked its way down her burning cheeks and dropped of her sharp chin.
Ngeha sighed and pulled Awa into a warm hug, hoping to comfort the crying woman and reassure her. Awa hadn't had an easy journey coming to where she was now, not with all she had to go through to even go to Pandora, not to mention the things she had to go through on base, and now everything with the Na'vi. Awa also didn't have an easy path before her, with trying to gain the respect of the Na'vi people or breaking free of the human bonds she was in, but Ngeha was confident that the strong woman in her arms was more than capable of showing her worth.
After a long talk with Ngeha about Awa believing in herself and to stop doubting herself, she was on her way to the pa'li enclosure, more specifically to see Khan who was her favorite of the bunch. She smiled at the thought of seeing the lively steed that seemed to light up her day no matter what life had thrown at her. Awa went to see him after speaking to Tsu'tey about Atxa and the palulukan, she hugged Khan tight while bawling her eyes out and Khan stared at her and licked her cheek.
"Look who it is. The tawtute" A voice mocked her and then laughed along with a few others. Awa forced herself to hold her head high and keep walking. She had come too far to let it all go to waste because of one Na'vi male.
"Wonder who she thinks she is, walking around like she's one of us." Another took up the teasing torch and tried to hit her where it hurt. She would be lying if she said that the words didn't sting and tempted her to smack the boy right across the face.
This time a familiar voice decided to try his luck with mocking her. "She will never be one of the people. Just look at her, she can't see now and she never will" She turned her head back to the group of Na'vi warriors and her eyes narrowed when she saw the smug, proud and vicious look in his eyes, and the scowl on his face as he looked at her like one would look at something you utterly hated.
Awa winced at his words and the venom in the words made her stop walking and stare blankly at him. She was all cried out for the day and she would never give him the satisfaction of him being the cause of her tears. Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out. He successfully hit a very sore spot, and one of her biggest insecurities, and he just threw it out there like her emotions and feelings didn't matter. Like she was nothing. She tried to remember the advice Ngeha had given her earlier but her mind came up blank as laughter filled the air. It mocked her, the laughter echoed all around her and all she could hear was his words being repeated over and over again in her mind, eating away at the small wall she had built earlier.
"I can smell the stank of demon all the way over here" One of the warriors besides Tsu'tey cackled, making the braids in his hair shake in all kinds of directions at the shuffle of his shoulders and shaking of his head. This warrior was smaller than the others and hadn't quite grown into his features yet, but Awa imagined he would be handsome when he did.
"Not even the humans wanted the demon" The middle one of the cruel Na'vi spat at her, this one was full on giving her death threats with his eyes and she physically recoiled at his words. Flashes of Quaritch came to mind, he wanted her too much and at the same time he wanted her gone. Somehow that made it all the worse.
Tsu'tey pushed himself off the tree he and the other warriors were leaning on and crossed his arms over his chest to make him look bigger than his usual muscular form. "She's ugly too" He hissed at her but his voice wasn't as strong as before and had a shake in it. He also didn't stare right at her when he said it, instead he stared at a spot beside her.
Awa stared right at him, unblinking and glaring. So it wasn't enough for him to be mean to her when they're alone, he had to go and bully her with his friends. A bit insecure, she thought, and his friends seem to be loving this. They were grinning at her, laughing and smirking, enjoying the winces and flinches they were rewarded with after the particularly sharp remarks. She wouldn't show them how much their words affected her, she needed to stay strong and keep telling herself that their opinions doesn't mean anything.
"Almost killed honored warrior Atxa too" The shortest of the group spat at her and pointed at her with the white, bony knife he held in his hand. It was decorated with some colorful stones and there were markings in it that signified the cultural and symbolic meaning of the knife.
Tsu'tey glanced at the warrior by his side with a bit of disdain before smirking again. "All humans are like this. Clumsy, blind, stupid, I could go on and on but she isn't worth the time" He whispered to her and then clapped his friend on the shoulder loudly. "Look at it shaking like a leaf. It's embarrassing. Weak" The final word hit her like a boot to the stomach and she forced herself to look away from the snickering Na'vi male. His words meant something to her, the others didn't but his words held power over her. She was fine with him glaring at her, ignoring her but to hear him continuously spitting hurtful words at her wasn't fine. She hated it, she hated how much it affected her, how much he affected her. The worst part about it was that he wasn't wrong, she was weak, and it was glaringly obvious that she was.
"I'm not weak" She finally spoke up as she marched over to the group of Na'vi. She was tired of them walking all over her, she was tired of having to play nice so that she wouldn't damage her chances. Fuck them if they thought she was weak, she had faced off a palulukan and walked away alive, she had gone through the first parts of training with a legendary trainer and she was still alive. She, a dreamwalker, had been chosen by many Omaticaya to begin the process of being trained by them. She was not weak, she was strong. Awa avoided Tsu'tey's eyes as she stopped in front of them and placed her hands on her hips. "I'm not weak" She repeated and spat at their feet.
A tense silence stretched over them until it was suddenly broken by hysteric, high-pitched laughter from all of the Na'vi men. The smallest one had his head bent back and was clutching his stomach that shook with every breath. The middle ones were staring her right in the eyes as they laughed mockingly at her, but Tsu'tey wasn't laughing. He just stared at her with a blank look in his eyes, unimpressed by her outburst.
"Then tell me how you are not weak. Can you see like us?" He pushed himself off the friend he had been using as an armrest and stalked towards her. His voice was strong and rumbled around her. It spoke of his long years of experience and the hatred he held for her.
Awa's eyes fell down to the ground. "No"
"Can you talk like us?" Tsu'tey asked when he got closer to her and began circling her from a distance. He was smirking at her, his eyes shining in amusement. The Na'vi man finished his question with a ramble of words she couldn't understand, surprising her.
"No"
He snickered and smacked her with his tail. "Can you walk like us?" Tsu'tey circled closer to her now and his friends hooted excitedly in the background as they watched their leader pressuring, what they assumed, was easy prey. His voice had lost the hostile tone in it and was more playful now, something that both surprised Awa and slightly scared her.
"No?" Awa stated uncertainly and stared at Tsu'tey's back as he circled her once more. His mood swings were giving her a whiplash. One second he's with his friends hating on her, calling her names and now he was circling her, smirking and grinning at her, and he was looking more amused and had no traces of his normal scowl on his face. Did this mean that he was warming up to her? If even slightly, or that he was having a lot of fun mocking her.
"Do you feel like we do? The connection to Pandora, to our friends, to our mates? Do you love as deeply and loyally as we do?" He was back to circling her from afar now, his demeanour was back to hostile and defensive as before and Awa missed the carefree and amused mood he was in before.
"What's the point in this, Tsu'tey? You know I'm trying to learn" She shifted on her feet and wrapped her arms around her stomach as if to protect herself. Her small burst of bravery had died out and now all that was left was her insecurity and exhaustion. "Do you really hate me that much?"
Tsu'tey bristled at her last question and drew himself up to his full height. "You'll never learn, you can't see. None of the demons can see and you are no different from the others of your kind, bug" He neglected to answer her last question and instead started pacing back and forth in front of her, muttering under his breath and occasionally glaring up at her before his eyes snapped back to whatever he was watching. Awa couldn't hear what he was saying but she had a feeling that it wasn't positive, and that she was better off without understanding his words.
Awa was curious about why he wouldn't answer her last question. It should be an obvious answer for him; he either hates her or he doesn't. She's a dreamwalker, a tawtute, he should be hating her, he's said that he hates her but now that she asks him he hesitates and avoids the question. "I am not like the rest of my kind!" She defended herself and threw her arms out in the air. "I've never been like them and you know it. You've seen me fighting for my right to be here! You've seen me forcing myself through training with Atxa! You've seen me fight tooth and nail to get here to save my Na'vi body! Don't you dare say that I am like the rest of my kind! Don' .dare" She was full on screaming at him now, pushing her finger into his muscular chest between her words and tears were falling down her cheeks. She had cried more during her time with the Omaticaya than she had done her entire life. Tsu'tey had the power to hurt her like none she had met before, and it scared her. He wasn't who she thought she would start getting feelings for. Out of everyone she could have chosen it had to be him. It had to be the one that hated on her, pushed her back and hated her.
He tensed up during her rant and the other Na'vi around them had gone silent. Awa was breathing heavily and shaking, no vibrating, with anger and frustration.
"It takes more than a few pretty words and some sweat to become one of us, and to prove that you're different. I've never met a dreamwalker as arrogant as you, and as foolish as you. You'd do well to remember that before you get yourself killed, demon" He spat at her feet and walked back to his friends without glancing back at her. His whole body language was closed off and the last look she got at his face made her want to cry all over again. Before he had at least a bit of kindness in his eyes but now they were hard, cold and frosty. Whatever progress they had made had just been destroyed by her.
"I wish she died that day with the palulukan" One of the friends hissed out, not at all happy with the disrespect she had shown Tsu'tey, and she was beginning to regret yelling at him like that. They had made progress, he was teasing her and she knew that while he meant every single one of his words they weren't as hateful or harsh as they were in the beginning when they met.
Awa turned around and started to leave when she heard a loud and powerful hiss from Tsu'tey. She spun around in fear that he was going to attack her again when she saw that he was scolding his friend with an angry tail flicking behind him. Awa felt a bit of warmth at her chest at that, maybe he did care.
AN: So, do you think they're making any progress?