Chapter 28.

Dean felt weird about turning up for family time when he felt as if he had thrown a hand grenade into the heart of the family, but for Cas and especially Anael, things needed to be normal, so he had to be there and he must not give any indication of the chaos in his head.

He owed it to Anael to ensure that she still felt welcome and safe in the bunker, but there was a selfish side to it too. He understood that no actual relationship between them would ever be possible, but having her around felt necessary to him. She was a missing piece of some puzzle whose picture he had lost far too early in life to understand it. When they were together, he felt more at ease than he had in years and yes, he had mistaken that for something else and caused a lot of trouble, but he would be more careful in future. It didn't seem unreasonable to desire a friendship with her, just so long as it came at no possible cost to her.

When he walked into the library, Jules took his arm and said, "You'll help me with the hot chocolate, right?"

"Yeah." he said, grateful for the excuse to be away from everyone else for a few minutes.

As soon as they were in the kitchen, Jules said, "We need to talk and because this is important, I won't be pulling any punches."

He knew he deserved whatever she was about to unload. "Okay." he said.

"First, about Cas. When he says he feels terrible about his behaviour, he means it. He disappeared because he thought you'd never forgive him."

"I know, but it's okay now. I promised him, nothing more is gonna happen with Anael or any other angel."

"And that's your idea of okay? Giving him the power of veto over all your future relationships?"

"What?" It had never entered his head that she might consider that a bad thing.

"This relationship with Cas, which, by the way, would never have happened without you constantly encouraging and supporting it, is not always easy." He must have looked shocked or worried, because she said, "He and I are great, but I spend a lot of time trying to teach him human stuff, like tolerance, respect, in a word, boundaries. Then you undermine it by caving in quicker than a sinkhole the moment he fails to approve your relationship."

"There is no relationship." said Dean.

"Don't waste your time, Dean. I know that you and Anael have been getting closer for a while now. Whether you acknowledge it or not, you two have a relationship."

"No."

"Also, Cas is not your 'Get out of jail free' card. If you don't want to pursue a relationship, fine, but don't make him the reason. It's not good for anyone. And he will do it. He'll find a reason to disapprove of anyone you ever love, because he wants you to be happy, but he needs a cast-iron guarantee that you'll be happy before he can stop looking for disasters."

"I never wanted to make Cas anything of the kind." he said. He would have preferred her to accuse him of using Anael, he had accepted the blame for that.

She looked at him more kindly. "I know you didn't, but you are. What would help everyone is if you said, loud and clear, 'I want this and if you have a problem with it, get over it."

"Anael and I agreed ... "

"Yeah, you're talking to the only other person in the group who knows what angels are like after sex. I could honestly get Cas to reshape a continent when the sparks are still circling his head."

"No sparks. The lights didn't even flicker." said Dean.

"So that means it didn't affect her?"

"That means it wasn't overwhelming."

"Or maybe it means every angel is different. Maybe she's trying so hard to be human, she controlled her response."

"Maybe it just wasn't that good."

"Are you ditching the relationship because she hurt your pride by not causing electrical effects?"

"No." he said.

"Good. Didn't think so. You and Cas are so eager to take the blame for everything that it ends up looking a lot like megalomania. It isn't though, is it, for either of you? It's that little voice in your head that says, 'You mess everything up, how could you think you won't mess this up too?' He's convinced he'll lose your friendship, you're afraid that you can't make Anael happy and both of you risk the very thing you're afraid of by losing your minds."

"You're definitely not pulling punches." said Dean.

"I can't afford to. I love you. I owe you so much and seeing you miserable is breaking my heart. Plus, Anael is my friend."

"Then advise her to find someone else."

"I don't tell my friends who to love, but when their feelings are obvious and are for a man I know to be kind, loyal and gentle ... "

"You're thinking of someone else, sister."

She waved a hand in dismissal. "Told you, that BS doesn't work on me. When you've lived through the devastation of a world, you lose patience for lies of all kinds. Now, you can tell that lot out there anything you want and the more gullible may believe it. Cas probably will, but as I said, he feels terrible. He'll feel worse if he works out that he's your excuse for giving up your best chance of happiness."

"No angel is ever gonna be that." he said.

"She'll be human soon. Jack promised."

"If she can convince him."

"She's convinced me."

"She's giving up a lot, immortality, powers, invulnerability in most situations."

"Gaining a lot too."

"If Cas wanted to be human ... "

"He doesn't."

"But if he did, can you honestly tell me you'd encourage him?"

"I can't say I wouldn't worry about it, but yes, I'd encourage him."

"And let him grow old and die?" said Dean, surprised.

"You're going to grow old and die."

"Maybe only one of those two, but I don't get a choice. They have immortality and she wants to throw it away."

"Are you going to stop loving her if that beautiful hair gets some silver streaks or her face is a little lined?"

"Of course not, but ... "

"Of course not. Jack promised that Cas and I would not be parted by death. He could arrange something similar for you and Anael."

"We'd both be human, so why would he?"

"Because he loves you and would do anything to make you happy. We all would. The only person who doesn't want you to be happy is you."

"I've always been a big fan of my own happiness. To be honest, I've often been selfish."

"Only by your standards and you think it's selfish to want anything for yourself. If you were shot twice in the heart, you'd worry that you were wasting the killer's lead. You're surrounded by people who see nothing but good in you and you ignore them all, because you feel worthless."

"You don't know everything about me." he said.

"No, I don't, but I know you're the man Sam Winchester looks up to. You're the reason Sam's with Eileen and I'm with Cas. You're the reason God got replaced by someone a billion times better. You've all but admitted you love Anael. Aren't you allowed to love someone?"

"Do you know how my other relationships ended?"

"With you walking away because you felt unworthy?"

"No." he said, maybe with Cassie, not with Lisa.

"Do you want to talk about them?"

"No."

"Okay, then we'd better get this chocolate made, but you need to think about what you want and I emphasise, what you want, not what Cas allows or what Sam approves or what you think you deserve when you think you deserved that insane childhood. I won't try to force your decision and if you feel like pretending to feel nothing, I won't call you out in public, but I want you to understand that only two people's opinions on your relationship matter, yours and Anael's." She filled one of the large pans with milk and put it on the stove.

"You've been giving this a lot of thought." he said.

"Yeah, like I said, I love you."

"I don't think Anael does and if she ever did, she can't now."

"You think it might be worth asking her?" she said.

"Love hasn't worked out for me in the past. She and I could be great friends."

"Friends is a good start." she said.

"I'm trying to do what's best for everyone." he said.

"I know you are. You always do. There's only one person in this bunker you don't care about and it's you."

"I can't change who I am, now."

"Anael has been an angel for billions of years. If she can change, you can."

"If I am even a tiny part of the reason why she wants to, our relationship has literally killed her."

"You like the sound of eternal solitude?"

"No, but Cas is still immortal."

"If you promise to think about what I've said, I'll slip you a few extra marshmallows. We got plenty on our supply run."

He grinned, glad that they could still joke with each other. "You think I'm so shallow." he said.

"No, oceans upon oceans of depth, but everyone needs an extra marshmallow now and then."

"Suppose I go after some kind of relationship and it fails and the other person gets hurt or worse?"

"You're right. A failed relationship is the worst thing that can happen, much worse than a lonely, miserable life of not even trying. Sarcasm." she added, used to talking to Cas, who needed the subtext read out.

"Yeah, I got that." he said.