Chapter 31.

Sam felt he had kept his sleeplessness from disturbing Eileen pretty well, until she sat up, switched on the light and said, "Which Winchester are you worrying about now? The baby or your brother?"

"I know. I should be focusing on our little Winchester." he said.

"No, I think you should worry about Sam. The baby has all the protection, infernal, celestial and Winchesterish that anyone could ever need and Dean may just have found love, but Sam is still losing sleep."

"I'm being irrational, I know," he said, "But it's hard to be anything else. I have everything I want now." She rewarded him for that by stroking his chest. "But it's hard to enjoy it when he has none of it."

She nodded. "I feel the same way. You and our baby mean everything to me and you both make me so happy, but then I see Dean and Anael, sitting at the edges of the group, happy that we're happy, but aching with loneliness."

"He thinks he hides it. He doesn't." said Sam, "I know he wanted to find love, find security, for the first time in his life. He wanted to be a dad. He could have all of that with Anael and then he claims she's not a woman and calls it necrophilia. Whatever he calls it, clearly it meant a lot to him last night."

"And for some time before." she said, "Even when they are at the edges of every group, they're there together or sitting apart, but making eye contact and non-verbally sharing their amusement. I want to help as much as you do, but while Dean is denying everything, there's not much we can do."

"All I seem to be able to do is make things worse. I try to keep things light, he thinks I'm mocking him. I try to go deep and he retreats. I don't know where Cas is at right now, but I know he said every bad thing he could have said. Even if they both say they've made peace now, stuff like that gets under Dean's skin and stays there and I'm not saying that to blame Cas for anything. I'm saying that because I make the same mistake, all the time."

"You don't often make mistakes with Dean." she said.

He smiled, touched by her loyalty. "I sent him to Hell. I left him in Purgatory. You'd think I could at least be careful that the things I say don't wreck his life here. The stuff I said when I was a kid ... "

"You were a kid." she explained.

"So was he. I told him I hated him, more than once. I said dumb, stupid things because he always seemed so strong. He seemed strong because he felt I needed him to. This whole, 'I don't need anyone.' act started for me. He's choosing to be alone because he thinks he has to be and I don't know how to change his mind."

"You're being too hard on yourself." she said.

"What I do know is that every time I open my mouth, a little meter in his head moves between 'Leave forever' and 'Stay' and I don't know what will move it in which direction. When we talk about anything that matters, I can hardly hear what I'm saying over all the crazy thoughts of what kind of catastrophe I may cause."

He saw her worried look. He tried to reassure her with a smile. "It's late." he said, "My anxiety is on automatic."

"Have you told Dean any of this?" she said.

"Dean? Of course not. You think I'm gonna add another layer of anxiety and guilt to the mess in his head?" He took her hand. "How's your head? You got anything on your mind you need to offload?"

"Well, I'm not worried about the baby. The baby is safe and well. Not worrying about Dean either, because when Dean loves, that love is strong and if he loves Anael, he'll get past all the other issues. I am a little worried about you, but I also know you only feel this way because you've wanted this for him all your lives and now you're afraid you could destroy it." She squeezed his hand. "I'm pretty happy that the man I chose to have a baby with is so devoted to the happiness of his family."

"I'm glad you can see it as a positive."

"And no judgement here. You have plenty of critics living rent free in your head. I don't plan to be one of them. You love Dean. I will never say that's not good. I know you care about Anael too. You stayed close to her tonight, in case she needed a friend. I love the way you do that, just being around people, making them feel safe."

"Leaving them alone together was hard."

"I know, but you did it and it was the right call. They're not gonna fix their issues in front of an audience. Remember how hard it was for you to say you loved me? In fact, I think the only reason you said it when you did was that you knew I was deaf."

"Not true!" he said, "I also knew you could lip read."

"Sometimes, I wish I could mind read."

"Sometimes, I'm pretty sure you can." he said.

"Don't laugh at me," she said, "But I've been trying all day to work out if I feel different now and I think I do. I know it's stupid, because my body won't be changing much at all, but it's not a physical thing. It's just a feeling I get, knowing that now, there are three of us. Does that sound stupid?"

He shook his head. It made perfect sense to him. "I feel the same way." he said, "I feel as if what we have together is so big and so alive and so real that it has become an actual person. When we closed the door on the rest of the world tonight, I was shut in with my wonderful wife, who is incredibly hot and utterly brilliant and our little kid, who is slowly coming to be, feeling only warmth and love. We're a family."

"Always." she said.

"And I promise to ... "

She covered his mouth with her hand. "No, don't, Sam. This family will never ask you to abandon your other one, or to ease up on the intensity there. You and Dean need each other, just like you and our baby do. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and I am scared of so many things, but never that you don't love me enough."

"Are you sure you don't read minds?" he said.

"I just know your heart." she said.

"Well, you should. It's been in your possession for a while, now."