Authors: Hey-Diddle-Diddle and WinterOfOurDiscontent

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13/T

Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.

Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.

The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.

!-!-!

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Tsunade finally gave me permission to see you."


"How bad do I look?"

"You look fine."

"Liar."

"How bad is it?"

"Not as bad as I look. The worst is that I've overused my Sharingan and hurt the other eye."

"That's why…"

"Yeah. I'll need to keep them both covered for a week."

"Oh. Well, that's not so bad, is it?"

"Could've been worse."

"…Kakashi?"

"Yeah, Ruka?"

"Is there anything you want?"

"Well…"

"What is it?"

"Nothing, really."

"No, what?"

"You wouldn't…"

"You're injured. Of course I would. Promise. What is it?"

"Sex?"

"Only you would think of sex at a time like this."

"Hey, I'm pretty sure Genma would. And don't forget about Jiraiya…and Anko's just…"

"Okay, way more than I needed to know."

"Iruka…"

"You're INJURED. And we're in a HOSPITAL. A PUBLIC SPACE."

"That didn't stop you a month ago in the classroom…and that was when the kids weren't back from lunch yet."

"You promised you wouldn't mention that. Look, no sex 'til you're better, okay? But anything you want…OUTSIDE of a sexual act…I'll do. Promise."

"Fine. Read to me? I'm bored."

"Of course I can. Why… no…"

"But Ruka…"

"I am not reading Icha Icha Paradise out loud!"

"But the latest volume just came out…"

"No."

"You promised…"

"…fine. But I'm shutting the door. The last thing I need is the whole hospital hearing this."

"I love you."

"You'd better."

The dread pirate Scarecrow was standing at the prow of his very big ship, silver hair blowing in the breeze. His poofy white shirt was hanging open and his muscles gleamed in the sun, moving silkily under pale, alabaster skin. He was wearing skin-tight leather pants which showed off his incredible...assets. The assets were very assety, but I digress.

Through his spyglass he could see the distant ships of the King's Navy, led by Captain Guy. Scarecrow, however, could not be bothered by these obviously inferior vessels and instead turned his glass towards a small merchant vessel on the horizon.

"Avast!" he cried, because all dread pirates cry 'avast.' "I see a merchant vessel, over yonder!"

And having wowed the crew with his impressive knowledge of all things piratical, he ordered the scurvy dogs to head the ship towards their prey.

"Scurvy dogs! Head the ship towards our prey!" And the scurvy dogs, which were literally just that, did so, bounding about the ship on their little seasick paws. Though it should be noted that only the latter half of that statement was accurate, as the dread pirate captain made sure his crew ate a balanced diet, including, but not limited to: NutraNinDog, Woof'n'Bark, and some kinds of oranges. But again, I digress.

Meanwhile, aboard the HMS Plot Device, two of the passengers were huddled below decks, attempting to avoid being hit by the dread pirate's very large, shiny cannonballs, which were almost as large and shiny as... Ahem.

"Dolphin, sir?"

"Yes, Fishcake?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"It's brilliant, Fishcake."

"It's just... these petticoats are really starting to chafe."

"That's not the only thing chafing."

"But we both know that even if Lord Snake found us, he would never look twice at females."

"That's why it's a brilliant idea, Fishcake."

Sadly for these two, while they were chafing the piratical dogs and their gorgeous captain had managed to kill, subdue, or shove overboard the crew of the merchant vessel.

"Avast!" cried Scarecrow, again. "Look, my scurvy dogs, upon what booties...I mean, bounties...yes, what bounties we've captured. And there's gold, too." Not that it mattered, because the dread pirate captain Scarecrow is also a nobleman, but that's a story for another day.

Dolphin was, of course, horrified to be captured by the dangerous yet dead sexy pirate captain. "You... you're the dread pirate Scarecrow! The wanted posters don't do you justice."

"I know," Scarecrow said gravely, his biceps pulsing.

Shoving Fishcake behind his voluminous skirts for protection, Dolphin glared at his captor. "However, if you have an evil plan to ravish a poor, defenseless female, it won't work!"

"Oh yes," Scarecrow said lustily, stroking his shiny, silver hair, "it will."

"No, it won't."

"Yes, it will."

"No no no."

"Yes yes yes."

"No!"

Scarecrow took a step closer. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't ravish you." He took another step. Then another. It not being that big a room, he was soon almost upon the hapless Dolphin.

"Because...because... Because I am not a maiden?" Dolphin was staring, entranced, at Scarecrow's eyes, which may or may not be blue, or red, or black. Heck, one of them may have not even been visible. No one's quite sure.

Scarecrow, for his part, was growing increasingly intrigued by the woman's defiant spirit and luscious lips. "Now, now, it's okay if you've been around a bit. After all, it's unfair to hold women to a different standards of sexual conduct than men. Besides, you'll probably have picked up a few tricks." Scarecrow wiggled his visible eyebrow suggestively.

"A few diseases, more like it."

Dolphin sniffed derisively. "A few diseases, more like it."

"Keep reading, we're not to the good part yet."

"There's a good part? And how would you know?"

"Umm...I'm guessing?"

However, the Dread Pirate Scarecrow was not to be deterred. Because what no one knew... was that he was still a virgin, determined to save himself for his true love. Well then. At this point Fishcake poked out from behind Dolphin's voluminous skirts.

"Because we're boys!"

"Of course you're...what?"

"Eh... what he's trying to say is... we're men. In disguise." Ha, thought Dolphin. Surely they'd be safe now.

Now Scarecrow wasn't flabbergasted, because dread pirate captains are never flabbergasted. No, Scarecrow took all this in stride quite well. "Are you now? Avast, my scurvy dogs, we've found crossdressers. Yarr. Kinky. Of course, the lack of cleavage should have tipped me off... Well, that and the stubble."

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to shave aboard a ship?" Dolphin asked, indignant. "It rolls back and forth... Anyway, you can't ravish me 'cause I'm not a girl, so there. Nyah." He stuck out his tongue for emphasis. A tongue that, had Scarecrow been a lesser man, would have been ravished, male tongue or not. Then again, Scarecrow is a pirate.

Ah, to hell with it. Scarecrow crushed Dolphin to his chest and proceeded to plunder, in classic pirate fashion, Dolphin's slightly-more-willing-as-each-second-passed mouth.

"Yarr," Scarecrow said thoughtfully when he pulled away from the most plundered mouth. "Yarr." The mouth may have even been looted with a hint of pillaging, Scarecrow being such a talented pirate. Dolphin's bosom-less bosom heaved in a most comely manner.

We pillage, we plunder, we loot, we steal... Ahem. Fishcake was watching Scarecrow with almost freakishly large eyes, obviously impressed with the pirate's many talents. Then he remembered that it was too early in the story for him to not be indignant, and began swinging at Scarecrow.

"I don't care if you ARE a big scary pirate, no one messes with Master Dolphin!"

And Scarecrow, being the big, loveable lug he was, held the boy at arm's length. Fishcake could swing as much as he wanted, but he couldn't reach those abs made of steel, that skin of ivory, that face that was similar to some Greek statues. Well, Greek statues that happened to have the lower half of their faces covered.

"Ah, I'd almost forgotten about you." Scarecrow's visible eye curved into a smile as he handily picked up Fishcake by the scruff of his dress and lifted him into the air. "Of course, you're too young to ravish, and you're not much good for anything else, so we'll have to dump you overboard."

Dolphin flew into a rage. Bosom still heaving, he flung himself at Scarecrow, face flushed a rather tempting red. "You put him down, you...you... you pirate!" That'll tell him.

Scarecrow then had one of the brilliant flashes of insight and perversion that made him such a great pirate. "Oh? And what'll you do if I don't? More importantly, what will you do to get me to keep him?" He then leered, a leer made more impressive by the mask that hid it but still somehow made it clear he was, in fact, leering. It must be noted that he had ravaged Dolphin's mouth with the mask up, a feat not easily accomplished. Now, back to the matter at hand... Dolphin was obviously made of good, strong, moral fiber, since he never flinched from that leer. Instead, he straightened up, brushing invisible specks from his skirts. "Well, sir, I make a great soufflé."

A-hah! Scarecrow had Dolphin right where he had him. "Soufflé?" he asked in great lusty tones, dangling Fishcake. "Is that all?"

Dolphin blinked. "It's very hard to get a soufflé light and fluffy, I'll have you know. What about cheesecake?"

In response, Scarecrow dragged Fishcake over to the edge of the ship and dangled him over the probably shark-infested waters.

"Mousse!" Dolphin cried desperately, reaching out surprisingly well manicured hands for Fishcake. "Chocolate mousse, with this sauce that's to die for."

Scarecrow continued holding Fishcake aloft. Below, sharks began to circle, while on the decks the crew barked. It may have been a "no, leave the kid be" bark or they may have been egging the captain on, it was hard to say.

"Treasure! The Fourth Fire Shadow's treasure."

Now, the Dread Pirate Scarecrow was a practical man. And he knew that as a pirate, the next best thing to booty was... well... booty. "The legendary treasure of the Fourth Fire Shadow?" Even the crew were silenced by mention of this mighty hoard. "Really?"

"Yes, yes. I have the map." Dolphin reached for Fishcake. "Give him back to me and I'll lead you to the treasure."

"Deal." Scarecrow could seduce the pants...err.. petticoats... off the hapless Dolphin later. He was about to set Fishcake down when it occurred to him that that might work better if he brought him back over the railing first, and considering the way Fishcake was screaming and clinging to his arm, the boy agreed, too.

"He tried to kill me!" Fishcake shrieked.

Scarecrow finally succeeded in shaking the boy off of his arm and onto the deck and Dolphin pounced, grabbing the petticoat-clad boy and shuffling him back behind his own skirts.

"You could have killed him!" Dolphin said, most indignant. Yes, indignant was a good look on him, though Scarecrow was betting "just-been-ravished" would be even better, second only to "about-to-be-ravished," with "totally-debauched" running a close third.

"So... about that treasure..."

"Go west, young man. I mean, east. Yes, east. Oh, and could we borrow some clothing? These are really starting to chafe."

"Yeah, they'll do that... or so I've heard. In passing. From a friend." Smooth, real smooth. "But you'll have to earn your keep aboard this ship. Master... Dolphin, you'll be the ship's cook." For while it was true you couldn't ask for a more loyal crew than dogs, the lack of opposable thumbs did have a few drawbacks. And when one of them got fleas, they all did. "And you..."

"Fishcake."

"Yes, Fishcake. You can be the cabin boy. Fishcake can sleep in the cabin boy's quarters."

"What about me?" Dolphin asked, very rightly concerned.

"Well, there really aren't much in the way of accommodations, we are a pirate vessel. I'm afraid you'll have to bunk down with me. Don't worry... it's a big bed."

"Are you sure there isn't any place else?" Dolphin asked, his voice high enough pitched now to match the outfit.

"Well, the crew usually sleep below decks in a big pile... but I should warn you, I think one of them's got fleas..."

"Why can't I stay with Fishcake, then?"

"Sorry, union rules."

It should be noted that the Union of Cabin Boys was noted for being far more ruthless than any of the pirate ships they crewed on, in consequence of being run by a bunch of young, often attractive boys forced to survive aboard ships of rough, rowdy, and desperate men. This is why not even the Dread Pirate Scarecrow would dare mess with them.

"So...I'm sleeping with you?" Dolphin asked, and when Scarecrow began leering about five seconds later the petticoated man began seriously contemplating the air-speed velocity he'd get jumping over the rail. After all, he was named Dolphin, shouldn't that give him some innate ability to swim or something? ...then he remembered that no, his parents had just been ragingly anachronistic hippies...whose bad habits, especially with regards to managing the family estate, were a large part of the reason he was now stuck on a stupid boat being leered at by a dread pirate captain. Damn, he'd been so close, too.

Leer leer. Leer. Scarecrow threw in another leer for good measure. "Well, Master Dolphin, shall we?"

Dolphin sighed. It was definitely not his month. "Come on, Fishcake, let's go get pants on." And so saying, the two hapless crossdressers bounded over the railing on the other side of the ship, where it was lashed to Scarecrow's vessel. Scarecrow followed along, hips swaying oh-so-nicely, derriere sashaying in a very manly way, and so everyone ended up back on Scarecrow's ship, which then started heading east.

"I have pants that should fit you, Master Dolphin. They're my spare set, of course, but surely you'll have no objection to being in my pants?"

Dolphin gaped at the captain. "In...your...pants?" Scarecrow gave a heart-stopping smile, beneath the mask, of course, and led the way to his cabin.

"Of course, in my pants."

Before he knew it, Dolphin found himself in the captain's bunk, a pair of leather pants in his hands. "These?" he squeaked most endearingly.

"Of course, my dear Dolphin." Scarecrow leered and sashayed his way back out, leaving the distraught man to stare disbelievingly at the leather pants he held.

"But... we're surrounded by saltwater! These are completely impractical!" the confused Dolphin could be heard to wail.

A good five minutes and several loud curses later, Dolphin left the cabin, awkwardly waddling onto the deck. How the blazes Scarecrow fit into these pants, Dolphin would never know. He felt as though all the blood had been cut off to his more...important...bits, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

When Scarecrow saw the young Dolphin, clad in his pants, he found it difficult to breathe, too. Once again, he was glad his entire crew consisted of canines, otherwise he might have had a time, even as their brave captain, keeping them off of the luscious Dolphin

"These are...very... tight..." Dolphin complained.

"I know," sighed Scarecrow, dreamily.

"And don't you have any spare shirts that aren't made of fishnet?" asked Dolphin.

"Afraid not. It's hard enough getting the dogs to put enough starch in the frills on my frilly shirt, without making them worry about additional laundry. But on the plus side, the pants do show off your ass... Erm, assets, rather well."

"But... how am I supposed to cook in these? I can't even bend over." And then, in a moment destined to be replayed over and over in the pirate captain's dreams, Dolphin decided to demonstrate his inability to bend over by attempting to do so.

Down went the Dolphin, up went something else.

It was at that moment, luckily for Dolphin and unluckily for absolutely everyone else, that Fishcake finally barged out of his tiny room below decks, now dressed in the typical uniform of a cabin boy.

"Master Dolphin, sir, I'm hungry! I can't be expected to go adventuring on an empty stomach!"

"Do you have any leather pants, Ruka?"

"Get better quick, and I'll wear them for you. I can't believe this Icha Icha story, though... are they all like this?"

"No, some of them don't have a plot."

"...oh. And these names... 'Scarecrow' was bad enough, but 'Fishcake'!"

"I personally liked 'Dolphin.'"

"That's because he had on leather pants. I should go now. Tsunade says you need your rest, and she's scary when she's in healer-nin mode. I'll be back tomorrow morning. And unlike some of us, I can actually be on time."

"That was a low blow."

"It'd have to be, to reach the bit you think with."

"Meanie."

"Love you too, now get some rest. I'll read more tomorrow. If I have to."

!-!-!

TBC

AN: This is a collaboration crack fic by Kiki and Winter, based on an Instant Messenger conversation that somehow went horribly, horribly wrong. If you'd like to read any of our non-collaboration fics, we're at Hey-Diddle-Diddle and WinterOfOurDiscontent, respectively.

Yarr.