Soulmates
For a week or so after the funeral, Claudia was preoccupied with avoiding Remus. She could tell he was preparing a lecture, which she did not want to hear. So, she stayed at Fabian's and worked. Adebayo was out again, which provided a significant relief to Claudia. His presence was a constant reminder that Barraclough was dead, and Claudia hated him for it. She knew it was not fair, but she just could not help it.
She was just pondering whether to ignore one of Adebayo's instructions he had left for her, when Gideon, dressed in healer robes, ran through the door again, giving her a strong sense of déjà-vu.
"What happened now?" she jumped to her feet. If something happened to Adebayo, she would feel rather awful…
"Moody's in the hospital again," Gideon sighed. "He-"
"How is he?" Claudia exclaimed, with her heart in her throat. Not Moody, she could not lose Moody too.
"Better than last time. He's got some superficial injuries to his face, but nothing life threatening."
"What kind of injuries?" Oscar caught up with the conversation. Both him and Ewan were on their feet too. Both looked horrified.
"Lost his nose and an eye."
"Bloody hell," Ewan uttered. "He's going to be even more terrifying than before." He tried to make light of it but his voice shook. He dropped to his chair and grabbed his face in his hands. "I can't fucking take this anymore…"
"Where did they find him?" Oscar asked Gideon, while gently resting his hand on Ewan's shoulder. "I didn't even know he was out…" There was a hint of bitterness in Oscar's voice and Claudia was pretty sure she knew why. Oscar thought he was their boss' new confidant, whereas this showed that no one could ever really replace Barraclough.
"Maidenhead…" Gideon replied.
Claudia bit her lip. Maidenhead was where Marcus said Wilkes was. Could this have been a coincidence? It must have been… There was no way, surely.
"Let's go," Oscar said, interrupting the horrifying thought she had, grabbed Ewan by the shoulders, and they all made their way to the hospital.
Within minutes, they all stood around Moody's bed once more. He was sitting up this time, but his face was all bandaged up. Claudia's mind was working at a million miles per hour. Why would Moody go to Maidenhead? Was he trying to catch Wilkes?
"Who did this to you?" Ewan asked, nearly on the verge of tears.
"I found Aiden's killers…" Moody spoke quietly, unable to move his mouth to articulate properly.
"And?"
"Let's just say they aren't going to be doing any more killing…"
"Who were they?"
"Remember old Rosier?" Moody smirked. "His son… And Wilkes."
"Wilkes killed Barraclough?" Claudia uttered hoarsely. Her throat was closing. This could not be. "Wilkes? That Wilkes?" Tears were forcing their way into her eyes. It all made sense now. "You went there, didn't you? You just went there?"
"Went where?" Oscar asked.
"The two of you, out," Moody grumbled. "I want to talk to Avery alone."
Claudia could barely restrain herself long enough for Oscar and Ewan to leave. "I can't believe you would do that to me!" she yelled. "I can't believe you would tell me to drop it, and then…"
"Sit down and listen..."
"Was it a trap?" she hissed, ignoring Moody's plea. "Or did it just go wrong?"
Moody sighed. "You shouldn't feel guilty."
"I don't feel guilty. I'm mad!"
"We had to try."
"I know we had to try!" she yelled. "That's why I wanted to go!"
Moody was clearly not too keen on being yelled at by a trainee. "Well, then you would've been dead too!" he barked back.
Claudia took a few deep breaths. She was done. She could barely look at him. "I've heard they're taking aurors to work in the Minister's office," she hissed. "I want to go."
"Claudia- please, it was the right decision," Moody's tone was calm again, weirdly calm. "Don't rush into anything."
But she was not rushing anything. She was sure. "Either you sign the transfer," she spoke coldly. "Or I quit." She turned on her heel and strode out of the room.
"What was that about?" Oscar asked when she slammed the door to Moody's behind her.
"None of your business," Claudia hissed and ran out of the reception, apparating the moment she was out of range of the anti-apparition spell.
She landed in the Ministry atrium and sprinted towards the lift, jabbing the button for the fifth level. She had no idea where exactly her brother's office was, but she ran through the corridor of the Department of International Magical Cooperation, looking for his name on the door.
Eventually, she found it. "M. F. Avery," written in large letters on a brass plaque. She gripped her wand and burst through the door, ready to throw at him whatever spell she knew.
But Marcus was not there.
"Where is my brother?" she hissed at a middle-aged wizard who was collecting himself from the floor. Whether he was taking a nap at the end of the working day or fell down when she burst in, she would never know.
"He isn't here. In fact, he's resigned. No one had seen him in weeks."
Claudia growled and rushed back to the atrium. She was so determined to grab Marcus' neatly combed hair and drag him to Azkaban, that she apparated without thinking and found herself in a street that she had not seen in three years, Frognal Gardens.
She stared at the house she grew up in, all the worst memories running through her head. The yelling, the violence, Voldemort… She imagined bursting through that door, and finding all three of them, calmly eating their dinner. She fantasised about dragging their stunned bodies to Azkaban. She fantasised about killing them, after all, she knew how. They deserved that and worse for what they did to Barraclough.
She crossed the street and banged on the front door. Blood was racing through her veins. They killed Aidan. Her own flesh and blood killed Aidan.
But there was no response. So, she hit the door again and again. But with each knock, she was getting weaker. And it was harder and harder to hold the tears in.
Eventually, she crumbled on the ground and broke down. It was her fault. She should have never told Moody about the tip off.
She kicked over a flowerpot and screamed out in pain.
But just as the flowerpot landed on the pavement and shattered, the door creaked. Claudia jumped to her feet, ready to strike. But it was only Sky…
"Young mistress," the house elf said, her bulging eyes even wider than usual. "You must leave. You are in grave danger. The things he says-" she stopped abruptly, unable to continue.
"Are they here?"
"Please, don't-" the elf trailed off again.
"Sky, please…"
For a long time, the elf said nothing. She played with the hem of the tea towel she was wearing. "They're away. Won't be home for days. Weeks maybe…"
Claudia took a few deep breaths and dried her tears. "Thank you."
"Young mistress," Sky whispered tentatively through the slightest crack in the door. "Please be careful. The things he would do to you…" The house elf shuddered and shut the door. With that, Claudia realised she had been rash. That she should not be here. They were going to pay for what they did, but not like this. She collected herself from the doorstep and apparated home.
Half-way up the stairs, she bumped into Fabian. He was sitting on the steps, twirling his wand in his hands.
"Shit," Claudia sighed. "I totally forgot we were supposed to meet."
He jumped to his feet. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbled, looking at her shoes. "Can I take a raincheck? Rough day…"
"Do you want some company?"
"I need to go for a run."
"I can come with you. Could use the exercise…"
Claudia dug her fingernails into her palms. "I really rather go by myself," she said through gritted teeth. "I need to get out of my head."
"It's late- You shouldn't-"
"STOP IT!" she yelled. "Just let me be."
Fabian took a step back, saying nothing.
Claudia sighed and shut her eyes. She realised she crossed a line. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Alright," Fabian relented. "I got the morning off. Are you free for lunch?"
Claudia nodded. "I can be at yours at half twelve."
Without as much as a hug or a kiss, she climbed the rest of the stairs to Remus' studio, shut the door and leaned back against it. She waited until Fabian's steps were no longer audible, before throwing on her running clothes.
Remus emerged from the bathroom wearing his chequered robe, startling her a little. She did not realise he was home.
"Everything alright?" he asked.
"Yeah," Claudia sighed. "I just need to go for a run."
"Are you sure? You look like you could use a cup of tea and a good chat."
"I'M FUCKING SURE!" she snapped again. She dropped to her bed and started to put on her running shoes. "It's either that or crawling under my duvet with a bottle of whiskey." The latter would have been the more attractive option if it was not for Remus' hovering, she thought but did not say.
"Claudia-"
She got up and crossed the apartment. "Don't wait up."
Claudia did not know where she was running or for how long. But no matter how fast she ran, or how far, she could not run away from reality. Barraclough was dead and it was her fault. She was on the bottom of Primrose Hill, and tears started to fly off her face. She pushed harder and harder up the hill. It hurt. But it was good. The pain in her muscles masked the pain in her heart. If she was in agony, that was what her brain had to focus on instead of her guilt. But as ever, she took it all too far, and on the top of the hill, she collapsed on the bench.
Her legs were burning from the effort. It felt like something corrosive was spreading through her veins. But as the pain went away, it became harder and harder to stop her tears.
The wind had picked up too, cooling the sweat on her skin. She was freezing. Shivering, she glanced at the bush. Had it moved? She probably imagined it… But even if it did move, she did not have the strength to stand or to draw her wand. For a split second, she did not have the will either. She did not care if it was a Death Eater who came out of nowhere and just point blank murdered her. At least her nightmare would be over, and she could talk to Aiden again.
"Hey." Someone said behind her, making her jump.
But it was no Death Eater. It was just Sirius. She put her wand back into her sleeve, somewhat relieved she did not get her death wish, dropped back to the bench, and hugged her knees again.
"What are you doing here?" she whispered.
"I walk here every night to clear my head." Sirius replied. "Can I join?"
Claudia nodded without even looking at him. But the fact it was Sirius who found her made her feel a little warmer on the inside.
"What's wrong?" he whispered, as he sat down next to her. "Are you alright?"
There was no point pretending in front of him. "No," she mumbled. "Nothing is alright. Not work. Not-" she trailed off, still staring into the night's sky.
"You can still talk to me about things. I miss when we used to talk."
Claudia wiped her eyes. "What would Marlene say to that?"
"Marlene dumped me."
Claudia finally looked at Sirius and inadvertently smiled. "I'm sorry."
"I can see that."
She could not help but raise another little smile. "What did you do?"
"Hey, give me some credit…" Sirius attempted to defend himself. "How do you know it was something I did?"
Claudia smirked. "Just a hunch."
Sirius chuckled too but did not say anything. He took out a cigarette and lit it. He smoked for a minute or so before finally speaking. "She realised I will always be in love with someone else, and apparently she has too much self-respect to ignore that."
They locked eyes and smiled. It would have been so easy to kiss him right there. It would make everything better, at least for a while. But nothing had changed between them. So, she looked away again, and hugged her knees even tighter.
"When was the last time you ate?" Sirius mumbled and passed her the cigarette.
Claudia took it and blew out smoke into the dark night. "I don't even know. I don't think I've felt hungry for weeks. Ever since…" She drew in a sob. She could not even say it.
"I'm really sorry about Barraclough. I know how much he meant to you."
Claudia bit her lip. She could not even talk about it. Since she found out why he died, it was too hard. "I don't think I've ever been more wrecked in my life…" she mumbled and wiped her eyes.
"Can I buy you dinner?" he said and took off his jacket. "You look like you need it, and we can talk properly." He threw the jacket around Claudia's shoulders and wrapped her in it.
"I've got running clothes- and I'm all sweaty." She tried to make an excuse.
"There is this dingy Chinese place nearby," Sirius said. "The food's amazing. And no one is going to care about your clothes." He stood up and extended his arm to pull Claudia up to standing too.
She gripped it and let him help her. They were standing so close. "Let's go then," she whispered before she did anything she would regret.
They walked down the hill in silence. Even with Sirius' jacket, Claudia was feeling cold. You could feel September approaching.
They sat down in this tiny Chinese restaurant, in a little booth facing away from everyone and Sirius ordered a mountain of noodles. While Claudia just sat there, huddled in his jacket, trying not to cry.
When the waiter left, and they were finally alone, Sirius leaned toward Claudia and whispered. "Please talk to me. And if there is anything I can do… I'll do anything."
"You were right about not trusting Marcus," Claudia mumbled.
"What happened?"
Claudia picked up a prawn cracker and crumbled it on her plate. "We got some good intel out of him, for a while." She paused and sighed. "And then he came in with an offer."
The waiter brought a plate of noodles and put it in the middle of the table.
"What offer?" Sirius asked and put a generous helping of the noodles into a bowl and passed it to Claudia.
"That he had evidence to put my father away. I told Moody and Barraclough, and they told me it was too good to be true." She could hardly get those words out. She picked up her chopsticks and took a mouthful. The noodles were warm and melted in her mouth. For a second, everything was alright.
"Please tell me you didn't go after him yourself…"
"I didn't." Claudia's voice was shaking. "But they did." The chopsticks fell on the table, and she dropped her face to her hands. "That was the mission," she sobbed. "That was the mission where Barraclough died."
"I'm so sorry, Claude." Sirius rubbed her back. "Why didn't you say anything?" he whispered in her ear.
"I just found out. Moody just told me…" She wiped her eyes. "I got so mad at him. I yelled at him… He was in a hospital bed, and I yelled at him. And then I tried to find Marcus, but he's disappeared. I don't know what to do."
"This is not your fault-"
She raised her head and looked into those big, familiar grey eyes. "Of course it is my fault. If I haven't trusted Marcus, or if I haven't told them." Her voice shook as she spoke. "Barraclough would still be here."
"Listen to me, Claude–" Sirius shuffled closer to Claudia and whispered. "Moody is the best auror there is. Barraclough too. If they choose to take the risk, that was on them. You told them everything you knew, right?" He was now gripping her in his arms. It steadied Claudia.
She nodded and looked away. "Everything. About Hogsmeade, about the attack… Everything."
"Then, there is nothing to feel guilty about. You can be sad, and you can miss him. But this is not your fault."
Claudia forced a smile. "Nice of you to say. But that's not how it feels."
Sirius brushed her hair out of her face and forced her to look at him. "You spent months telling me I shouldn't feel guilty over Regulus' death, right?"
"And I meant it. I really did."
"Well," Sirius said with a smile. "Don't you see? It's mad for you to blame yourself for this…"
"I wish you were right."
"I am right." He squeezed her ever tighter and whispered in her ear again. "The only people to blame for this are the people who did it. Not you. Not Moody. Not Barraclough. But your father. And brother. And these Death Eating fuckers. And I will help you get them if it is the last thing I do." He kissed her head, before letting go of her. "Now, eat your noodles. You look terrible."
Claudia smiled a little and finished a bowl of two. Sirius was right, the food did make her feel better. Maybe he was right about the other thing too. After all, she really did not think he was responsible for Regulus' death. That thought brought her mind back to the fight they had when they broke up, however, and she felt wretched again.
"So, you aren't still mad at me for not telling you about Marcus?" she whispered. "For going to meet him behind your back?"
"Claude, please… Don't." Sirius shook his head. It was now his turn to avoid eye contact. "I don't blame you for that. Or anything else. I acted like an arse…"
Neither of them said anything for a long time. Claudia did not know what to say, and suspected Sirius was in the same boat.
"If you are ready to talk about Tony…" she finally mumbled. "I'm here. I want to help, but I don't know how, unless you tell me. I'm not a mind reader."
"Aren't you doing Legilimency this year?" Sirius smirked. She knew that smirk well. It meant Sirius was deflecting.
But she knew better than to push him again. It felt good to have him around and she did not want to ruin it by forcing another argument. "Just had my first lesson. Apparently, I'm a prodigy."
"Good to know," he said with a smile.
"Sirius…" she trailed off.
"Eat your noodles," he pointed at the half-eaten plate. "I'm going to get us more spring rolls."
Claudia watched him leave the table. It was so easy to talk to him, to confess everything. She knew he would not judge. She just wished he would trust her too, and talk to her about Tony.
Claudia picked up her chopsticks again and suddenly became very aware that the radio was on full blast. A beautiful, familiar voice filled her ears.
It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair
I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you
How I cried
The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems
Sirius was back, interrupting the song that felt way too close to home. "Want some?" he offered her a plate of fresh spring rolls.
"Sure," she mumbled and reached for one, but she could not help but listen to the radio some more as she bit into it.
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted
All that love?
Claudia felt her eyes watering and dropped the half-eaten spring roll back on the plate. This was too much. It was torturous. "I should head home."
"Claude, what's wrong?"
She shook her head and stood up. "Nothing. I'm sorry."
"Can I walk you home?"
Claudia shook her head again, and hesitantly dropped Sirius' jacket from her shoulders. "Thank you for the talk though." She squeezed out of the booth and made a run for it.
Each night I cry I still believe the lie
I love you 'till I die
Save me save me save me
"Claude!" He shouted after her. "Remember I'm here for you… Your happiness is all that ever mattered to me-"
"You have a funny way of showing that-" she smirked and ran out of the place. Anything not to hear any more of that song. The cold air hit her in the face like a Dementor.
Mercifully, it was not far from the bistro to Remus' flat and Claudia ran fast. When she got back, Remus was pacing around the living room.
"Where have you been?" he barked.
"A run. Like I told you."
Remus glanced at his watch. "Where did you run to? Manchester?"
"Stop exaggerating," she said with an eye roll.
"I was worried about you."
"I just went for a run…" Claudia kicked off her shoes. "And now I'm going to the shower. Good night."
She stayed in the bathroom until she was fairly sure Remus was asleep, before sneaking into her bed. But sleep eluded her. She spent half the night lying awake, thinking about Sirius, desperate to rationalise why she should not just go over to his flat and tell him how she really felt. That she missed him more than was humanly possible. She ran through dozens of scenarios in her head. But every single one of those ended in a fight, because she knew he was not being completely honest with her. She needed to know what happened with Tony. Their relationship was built on trust. And Alice was right all those weeks ago. When either of them held something back, it never worked.
When Claudia woke up, after a couple hours of light sleep, she realised she had three days off work, which meant that there was absolutely nothing to distract her from her thoughts. Normally, she enjoyed these extended periods to recover, but not this time. Remus scowled at her for most of the morning, but mercifully had to leave on an errand for Dumbledore by about ten o'clock.
Free from his judgmental gaze, Claudia made some coffee and went to read the papers. She flipped through the pages aimlessly. Sirius really did seem better, and he was there again – he wanted to know what was happening in her life. He cared. It was like the time before the descent into hell. The talk they had was just what she needed. And he was right. She should have to feel guilty. She was not the one who killed Barraclough.
She put the papers down, none of it was sinking in anyway. Instead, she decided to go wash some of her clothes. The coffee was now cold, but she drank it anyway as she put her clothes in the bath and cast a spell to get them to swirl around.
And he was single again… And the moment they had. They were so close. So agonisingly close to being together again.
She left the laundry behind, walked over to her drawer and dug out the necklace she got from Sirius for her nineteenth birthday. It was the only thing she had with her that really reminded her of him. She sat on the sofa, turning it in her hand.
No one understood her as well as Sirius did. Ever. She sighed. But she had to be strong. She could not just blindly stumble into the horrible situation they found themselves in before, no matter how much she wanted to.
"Crap," Claudia jumped up, her thoughts interrupted by Remus' annoyingly loud clock. It was one o'clock. She was supposed to be at Fabian's half an hour ago!
She put the necklace over her head, got dressed in haste and apparated.
"Sorry I'm late," she mumbled when she stumbled through the door.
"Don't worry," Fabian said with a smile. "Just finished the cooking."
Claudia helped Fabian set the table but when he put some of the pasta he had made on her plate, all she could do was to sit there and poke it with her fork.
"Is it no good?" Fabian asked.
"It's great. I'm just not that hungry."
"Would've thought the late-night run would give you an appetite."
"I had a big dinner," she replied mindlessly, still looking at her plate, and playing with her necklace.
"You cooked?"
Claudia abruptly raised her head. "I- I," she stuttered wondering whether it was worth trying to look for an excuse. She decided it was not. "I ran into someone, and we went for some noodles."
"Who?" Fabian asked casually and shoved another spoon of pasta in his mouth.
"Sirius…" Claudia whispered, realising the least Fabian deserved was the truth.
Fabian looked down at his plate. "So, you blew me off to spend time with your ex?" he mumbled and scooped up another spoon.
"I wasn't planning on it," Claudia hurled out. "And nothing happened- We've been friends long before we dated- And it was nice to talk to someone I've known for so long." She took a deep breath to continue her defence. "We didn't really-"
"Claudia," Fabian said with a soft smile, interrupting her. "I'm not accusing you of anything… I was joking."
She laughed nervously. "Very funny."
"But," Fabian began with a sigh. "This is as good of a segway as any… I do want to talk about us."
Claudia stayed silent. Not because she wanted to. She just could not find words for the situation she found herself in.
Fabian filled the awkward silence. "I like you… I really do."
"I like you too," she replied hastily. It was true. Being with Fabian was easy, fun…
Fabian smiled. "And I think all this made me realise that I do want more from a relationship. Not to get married and stuff, no... But to have someone in my life that I care about, you know. Someone I can have some kind of future with."
"And that someone isn't going to be me-"
"I could very well imagine it being you- But I know you don't feel that way about me."
"But I really do like you."
"But you love someone else."
"I don't-" She tried to deny it, but there was no point. What Fabian was saying was the truth. "I don't know what to say…"
"Look, I knew what I was getting myself into. Everyone knows you two are soulmates." He reached over the table and held her hand. She stared at it, too scared to look him in the eye. "We might all be dead soon, Claudia. So, if there is any chance, any chance at all, that you can be with the person you love, don't waste it."
Claudia's eyes darted to Fabian. He was smiling. And her eyes were suddenly full of tears. "You're much nicer than I deserve," she whispered.
"Nonsense!" Fabian said. "I'm the one who broke our pact. This was never meant to be serious…"
Claudia started to get up. "I better get going."
"Please finish the food…" Fabian paused and ate another mouthful. "Gideon's going to hate me," he added, mumbling. "I think he was planning to use us as a buffer to avoid having to talk to Molly about his own love life."
"I gather his love life is going alright though…" The change of subject was welcomed.
"It won't be once Molly gets involved."
They both laughed, finished lunch and parted ways with an awkward hug. It was Claudia's first break up that did not end up with slamming of doors. And it felt a little strange, but very grown-up.
The rest of the day went about as well as Claudia's morning. She tried to go for a walk, to do some exercise, to read, to browse catalogues full of muggle clothes. Nothing worked to distract her. She barely slept that night and realised in horror the next morning that she still had two more days like this!
Remus was still out, and Claudia attempted to get a lie in, but instead of sleeping, she tossed around in bed all morning, unable to stop thinking about Sirius. His face was the only thing she saw when she closed her eyes. She struggled not to keep picturing him ripping her clothes off.
But she fought those feelings with everything she had. He still did not tell her what happened. And he did not look like he wanted to. It would just end the same way. She needed to be stronger than that. Not just for her, but for him too. They could not go through the same hell again.
When sleep failed to distract her, she tried to read again, then cook, and even clean. But by midnight, she could take it no longer. She threw on her jumper, jeans and trainers and ran out of the flat. Without thinking, she ran south. By the time she got to Euston Station, everything started to hurt. Her muscles had still not quite recovered from the earlier excursion up Primrose Hill. She thought for a minute to apparate the rest of the way, but realised she left her wand at home. Oh well, no point coming back, she was already halfway. So, she pushed harder.
Out of breath, she crashed against Sirius' door and hit it hard with her fist again and again.
Eventually, he opened it. "What happened?" he gasped, still in his day clothes.
Claudia stood there frozen for what felt like an absolute age. "I just-" she mumbled. "I just had to see you… I can't stop thinking-"
Sirius grabbed her arm and pulled her into the flat. Then, he buried his fingers in Claudia's hair and kissed her.
It took absolutely all resolve Claudia had, but she bit her own lip and pulled away. "Please stop," she whispered and led Sirius towards the sofa. "We have to talk." They sat down, cross-legged and facing each other.
Claudia reached for his hand and spoke first. "I love you. I want to be with you. But-" she trailed off.
"But you can't…" Sirius grimaced.
"But you have to tell me what happened on that mission." She drew in a deep breath. "I wish I was able to forget about it, I really do, but I'm not. I need to know before anything happens between us again."
Sirius looked down and extracted his hands from Claudia's grip. "I can't."
"Why?"
Claudia could nearly hear her own heartbeat. It was that quiet. Whatever he had to say next, was the difference between happiness and misery, likely for the rest of her life.
"Because you'll hate me," he finally whispered.
She leaned closer to him. "Do you really think I'd be here right now if I was capable of hating you?"
"Well, you ought to hate me," Sirius grimaced. "I hate myself."
"Sirius, please."
He took a deep breath and, with shaking hands, lit up a cigarette. "Nobody else knows."
"I promise not to tell anyone."
"I don't care about anyone else. I care what you'll think of me."
"You know you can trust me. Please!"
"Alright." Sirius started to speak slowly, turning the cigarette in his hand. "We were supposed to fly the guy out on brooms, but we got ambushed. Pinned down in this little ravine, surrounded by Death Eaters on higher ground. The guy was panicking, trying to slice his own throat. Getting blood everywhere." Sirius paused to smoke and to wipe his eyes. He was still avoiding Claudia's eye contact. And his hands were still shaking.
Claudia did not dare to interrupt, and he continued.
"Tony had this idea that we should just get on the brooms and try to fly out of there using protego. But I thought I knew better. I remembered this spell." He paused to wipe his eyes again. "Kind of circular blast. I thought it was worth a shot. But I either didn't remember it right, or-" he trailed off.
Claudia was getting a horrible feeling that she knew where this was heading.
"I need a drink," Sirius mumbled.
Claudia reached for his hands and gripped them tightly. Sirius looked up at her. He was biting his lip and tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks.
"Nothing you can tell me will make me think less of you," she whispered. "Ever. Do you understand?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "It blew up in my face. When I came around, everything seemed to be in slow motion. I saw the Death Eaters waking up and running down the slope to pick up the guy we were guarding. I tried to get up to fight but my body just would not move. And Tony-" he sighed. "Tony was just lying there. He was dead. By my spell."
"Sirius- That's not-"
"That's not all," Sirius mumbled, interrupting her. "He told me earlier that night he had a muggle girlfriend. That she was pregnant, just about to give birth. She did not know he was a wizard or what he was involved in. She probably does not even know he's dead." With those words, Sirius dropped his head into his hands.
Claudia moved right up to him and wrapped her arms around him with all the strength she had. "Listen to me-" she began. "You made a split-second decision to try and get all three of you out."
"I was being cocky. Tony's plan..." he mumbled into her chest, his shoulders shaking.
"Tony's plan may have backfired too. You can't block the killing spell and you'd be sitting ducks on those brooms." She lifted his chin and looked into his eyes. "This is not on you. It's on this war. On Voldemort. On those Death Eaters who were trying to kill you. Blame them! Not yourself."
"You forgive me?" he whispered.
"You're an idiot…" She stroked his hair. "You don't need my forgiveness. Just yours."
"Do you really mean that?"
Claudia reached for Sirius' face and cupped it with her hands. "I really do." She leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss.
"And you still love me?"
"Of course, I still love you."
Sirius sighed with relief and dropped his head into Claudia's lap. She played with his hair.
"I feel so-" Sirius whispered, with his eyes closed. "Can't find the word. I was so scared you'll walk out on me. That you won't be able to love me anymore."
"I will always love you."
He opened his eyes and attempted a smile. "I should've just told you there and then."
"You should've. Now, scootch."
Sirius lifted his head for a moment, and Claudia lowered herself on the sofa, wrapping his arms around him. She could feel his heart beating against her forearm. "I'm so tired…" he whispered sleepily. Slowly, Sirius' breath slowed down. "I love you." That was all he managed to add before falling asleep.
It did not take long for Claudia to fall asleep too.
She woke up just as the light started to come through the curtains. Her stomach was rumbling. Slowly, she got up so as not to wake Sirius and pulled the throw they were sleeping under over his chest. She tiptoed into the kitchen to find it completely empty. After unsuccessfully rummaging through the cupboards for a sign of anything edible, she grabbed Sirius' keys, a spare wand, scribbled a note on the kitchen counter and crept out to buy some breakfast.
Twenty minutes later, she was climbing up the stairs again, this time with the broadest smile she managed for months. She stuck the key into the lock, but before she turned it, the door went flying out of her hand. Sirius was standing in the door, looking completely possessed.
"I thought you left," he exhaled, took a few steps towards Claudia and grabbed her by the shoulders. Their faces were barely an inch apart as they stumbled back into the flat.
"I left you a note…"
Sirius shut the door behind her, and then ran his palms down Claudia's arms. "I thought you left," he repeated and took the shopping out of her hands.
"Be careful," Claudia whispered. Her foreheads were now touching. "There are eggs in there."
"I don't care," Sirius uttered and with a bang, the shopping landed on the floor.
In a flash, Sirius' hands were buried in the hair on the back of her head, and his lips were brushing against hers. She closed her eyes and hung her arms around his neck. She could not even remember the last time she wanted something this much.
"I can go to the bathroom," she whispered against his cheek. "If you need two minutes to sneakily change the sheets-"
"No one else was ever in here," he mumbled and kissed her. "I would never do that... This is our home."
Claudia laughed. "You are making it so hard to be mad at you."
With that, they tumbled towards the bed. They never stopped kissing and their clothes flew off one by one.
Once they were on the bed, Claudia finally took a moment to take in what was really happening. Sirius was naked, lying on top of her and staring into her eyes with such intensity it made her insides burn. She did not have a single doubt about what she was about to do.
Sirius kissed her lips, then her cheek, neck, shoulder… Claudia shivered with desire. This is what she missed. Only Sirius knew how to make her feel like this. And without warning, she burst into tears.
Sirius froze. "Claude-" he whispered and brushed the side of her face. "Are you alright? We don't have to…"
"Happy tears," she said with a smile but gave another little sob.
"Are you sure?"
Claudia smiled. "It's just. When you kiss me right there," she whispered and pointed at the spot where her neck met her shoulder. "It does things to me."
"I know it does," he uttered and kissed her there again.
It was as if a little lightning bolt ran through Claudia's body. She laughed again and tipped him over on his back and slid one of her legs over his body. "We were being so stupid." She swept his hair off his face and kissed him.
"I was being stupid," Sirius whispered. "I love you. I love you so much. More than I ever thought possible-"
Claudia, her tears now dry, kissed him to shut him up. "I love you too."
They kissed again and again, and caressed each other's faces the whole time they made love. This was not about pleasure. This was about being together again. Sirius slid his hands down Claudia's waist, and his fingers sank into Claudia's hips. Knowing what was coming, she chuckled and shut her eyes, letting the moment take her away. Maybe it was a little bit about pleasure after all…
"Shit, I missed you," Sirius whispered, as he dropped back into the pillows. He barely got that sentence out between the heavy breaths.
Claudia laughed again and lowered her head on Sirius' shoulder, as he ran his fingers up and down her spine. More tears fell down her cheeks.
"Still happy tears?" he said as he wiped them with the tip of his thumb.
She nodded. "I can't help it," she chuckled. "I've spent months trying not to feel things. And now, it's all just coming out…"
"I promise never to let you down again. I couldn't bear losing you a second time."
"Third time."
"Pedant."
Claudia could not help but laugh some more. "No one makes me laugh like you do."
"Remember that the next time I fuck up," Sirius sighed.
"Only if you remember that no matter how much you fuck up, I will always love you."