Authors: Kiki (Hey-Diddle-Diddle) and WinterOfOurDiscontent
Genre: Humor/Romance
Rating: PG-13/T
Summary: When Kakashi's injured, Iruka reads him his favorite book. Full of not-so-subtle innuendos and cross dressers, with a dash of pirates and ships on the side.
Italics are the conversations between Kakashi and Iruka, by the way.
The authors are not responsible for any pirate lingo which may result from the reading of this fic.
Well then. One hundred miles back east, Dolphin was redressing himself, and Scarecrow was taking a very, very cold bath. In the same room, of course.
"Are you sure you should be taking a cold bath?" Dolphin asked worriedly, slowly sliding a shirt on. Very slowly. "I mean, you seem to be catching a cold, and doesn't it seem a bit silly to take a cold bath?"
Scarecrow was sitting in the tub, legs crossed carefully, hands lying in his lap. He shivered, then gave Dolphin a forced smile. "No, no, it's fine. Feels lovely, in this weather. And a cold bath is a well-known remedy for colds. Toughens you up." And then he sneezed again.
"Well, can I at least give you a backrub when you get out? Your muscles must be sore from taking the brunt of that fall." And Dolphin turned around to smile kindly at Scarecrow, his shirt hanging open, pants partly undone. Scarecrow shifted in the tub and pulled his knees up, hiding certain...bits, thinking perhaps ice cubes in the water might help, and perhaps they could start sailing more to the north... MUCH more to the north.
"Of...of course," Scarecrow said feebly, wondering just how it was possible for Dolphin to become more undressed when he was supposed to be getting dressed. Perhaps it was a gift? Well, at least his hair was still up. No, wait, Dolphin was reaching up to the hair tie... Scarecrow averted his eyes, but not quickly enough. Dolphin shook his head, dark locks shimmering in the dark cabin. How they shimmered, no one would ever be able to say, but they did.
"Yes... well... would you mind terribly averting your eyes while I get out?"
"Of course not," Dolphin said, shirt slipping off one shoulder. And then the other.
How does he DO that, Scarecrow pondered, before getting out of the freezing cold water, toweling off quickly, then laying down on the bed face down. "Alright," he said, voice muffled and somewhat strained. He'd have changed into sleep clothes, only he didn't have any, never having needed them before. Besides, after a day in the leather trousers, it was nice to let it all hang out. Well, had been, before he'd picked up Dolphin.
Speaking of the mammal... Dolphin blushed from somewhere across the small room. "Umm...you...you're...that is..." This, of course, coming from the man who's less than half-dressed himself.
"I assumed you wanted me to leave the shirt off."
"And..." Dolphin coughed, then continued gamely ahead. "And the pants?"
"I thought they'd be inconvenient..." And a bitch to put on, in his state. Hadn't he chafed enough already? Even a dread pirate had his limits.
"Oh... well, I suppose you're right..." And so saying, the nervous Dolphin, still only half dressed, crossed the room to the bed. The very large bed. He touched his fingertips to Scarecrow's strong, muscular back carefully, touching the bulging muscles. Bulge. Bulge. His unease forgotten as he warmed to the familiar task, Dolphin lifted a leg on to the bed, now straddling Scarecrow's back as he continued kneading the muscles. The sore, taut muscles that lay under the smooth marble skin. And something else bulged. Bulge. Bulge.
"You know, I used to give massages all the time. Everyone swore they felt better afterwards. They'd always get this healthy glow. Why, some people would come by almost every day, until my parents put a stop to it." Dolphin leaned forward, really putting his back, and the rest of his body, into his work. "My great aunt taught me. I grew up on her estates... I'd never even been to court until recently." Scarecrow made a noise that probably meant 'please, continue your story, it fascinates me.'
"Why, she used to give massages to the king. And sometimes, even to Prince -----"
Scarecrow sneezed, the jerking movement pushing him up against Dolphin's youthful, lithe body. Bulge.
"Your aunt is Dame Rope?" And Scarecrow seemed to tense up for a second before once again succumbing to Dolphin's skilled movements.
"Why... yes." Dolphin said, surprised. "How did you know?"
"I'm a dread pirate captain, we hear things."
"Well, if you heard that dreadful ballad, don't believe a word of it." Dolphin sniffed dismissively. "I happen to know she's allergic to latex AND strawberries."
Scarecrow, deciding that this conversation was a great distraction, decided to continue it. "So... have you ever met the... mmm...harder... king or the crown prince?"
"Tsk. We're pages in and still no porn."
"Yeah, Jiraiya must be slipping."
"Speaking of slipping..."
"No. I don't know what you're thinking, but the answer is definitely no."
"Are you sure? It could be good..."
"How can you leer with all those..bandages?"
"It's a gift."
"Ah yes, the Hatake clan, known for its canine summoning and bloodline limit leering. I hear you can actually leer enemies into submission. You know, if the Sharingan fails."
"Are you being sarcastic? Iruka, sarcastic?"
"Of course not."
"Liar! You're being sarcastic! And now I just know you're sticking your tongue out at me. I can feel it."
"You'll feel more than that-"
"I didn't just say that..."
"Yes, yes you did."
"Shuddup."
"Heh. Mmph... What the... Iruka, it is NOT FAIR to hit the invalid with a pillow!"
"It is if he's being a... Hey! You're supposed to be resting!"
"Fair's fair, if you're going to start a pillow fight."
"Truce? No more pillows, and you rest while I read to you. Deal?"
"Can I get a kiss, too?"
"A kiss?"
"I'm a hard negotiator. Hard..."
"Kakashi!"
"It was worth a shot..."
"You... fine."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I've met the king..." Dolphin admitted, politely neglecting to mention that the old lech had repeatedly tried to grope him. "But never the crown prince... I first came to court after his tragic disappearance. It's such a shame... I'm told he was dashing, accomplished..." Iruka sighed wistfully, lost in romantic imaginings on the mysterious lost prince.
"Don't forget handsome," Scarecrow added, happily melting under the ministrations of Dolphin's skilled fingers. His whole body felt like it was made of jello... grape, if you were wondering... well, okay, one small part of his body wasn't quite so relaxed... and it wasn't a small part, either. Not at all.
"Mmm," Dolphin hummed thoughtfully, "I'm sure he was very handsome. I remember my aunt was always talking about how handsome he was." Knead knead. Knead. Dolphin leaned forward a bit more, chest (shirtless, with his amazing undressing-while-dressing skills) coming into sweet, heavenly contact with Scarecrow's back.
Scarecrow groaned, moaned, and/or whimpered into the pillow as Dolphin's long, slender, and/or tapered fingers kneaded the thick, strong muscles beneath Scarecrow's smooth, pale-as-skim-milk skin. "Nnn...mmm...ggg..." Scarecrow grunted into his pillow, as well as other consonants like "bbb" and "xxx." Ah, the appreciation Scarecrow showed!
Dolphin dug his fingers into one last, stubborn knot in Scarecrow's back, then leaned back, much to the disappointment of Scarecrow. "Did you like it, then?" Dolphin asked, straddling the backs of Scarecrow's thighs. Scarecrow contemplated rolling over, to thank Dolphin properly, then thought again. A certain little...erm, big...problem was having a long, thoughtful conversation with the sheets, and- Well, then. Scarecrow nodded into the pillow again, giving a heartfelt:
"Mmmmmm,"
which could be translated as either "I love you, oh my god, please, let me bear your children," or "I love you, oh my god, please, let me have my mad, wicked way with you at once." Either way, Dolphin wasn't quite fluent in Too-Horny-To-Speak-Ish, so the entire exchange was lost upon him.
"Captain?" Dolphin asked curiously, leaning forward again, sun-kissed skin, warm and smooth, coming in luscious, heaven-blessed contact with Scarecrow's broad, strong back. "Are you alright?" Dolphin asked, lips next to Scarecrow's ear.
Scarecrow turned, and his eye stared deeply into Dolphin's eyes. Dolphin stared back, lips parting ever-so-slightly, moist breath, minty-fresh (because more than anything, Dolphin believed in good dental hygiene), touching Scarecrow's lips. Which may or may not have been beneath a mask. No one's quite sure.
"Captain?" Dolphin asked breathily. Scarecrow swallowed, or maybe he breathed, or maybe he yanked down that mask that may or may not have been there.
"Yes, Dolphin?" he asked in return, voice decidedly husky.
"Captain, my captain," Dolphin murmured back, eyelids drooping over his dark, lust-filled eyes.
"Dolphin," Scarecrow whispered, lips a scant breath from Dolphin's.
"Captain..."
"Dolphin..."
Closer, closer...
"Cap...tain..."
"Marine mammal..."
"Cap-"
"WOOF!"
Dolphin suddenly drew back, turning bright pink in an impressive full-body blush as he realised he'd been about to kiss the handsome pirate captain. How dreadfully forward that would have been! And by full-body, we mean full-body. Scarecrow stared at Dolphin, certainly appreciating the aesthetic reds pouring from Dolphin's cheeks, and Dolphin's chest, and Dolphin's...cheeks. But Scarecrow was still a dread pirate, and he knew what that bark meant. "Land," he said, knowingly.
"Land?" Dolphin asked, scooting back off the bed. Scarecrow watched with moist-eyed disappointment as Dolphin began to dressing again, however undressing-to-get-dressed it was.
"Yes," Scarecrow said, turning his head so he could watch Dolphin, still lying on his...stomach. Yes, his stomach. "Land. We should be reaching --unvt soon."
"Uvnt? The legendarily dangerous pirate town and resort?" Dolphin's eyes widened.
"No, --unvt," Scarecrow corrected.
The town of '--Uvnt' (the -- is silent) has a bloody and plaided past (like a checkered past, only stripe-y-er.). Founded over a hundred years ago by the dregs of humanity, it was originally too poor to even have a name. Enraged by their ill fortune, they soon arranged a looting party to steal a name from the nearest town. Unfortunately for them, the name of the nearest town was 'Unnamed Village Number Three.' Further enraged by their bad luck, they turned to piracy, and made another name (of sorts) for themselves as the town to go to for pirates to pick up crews, unload stolen merchandise, buy the latest in eyepatches and peglegs, and generally act drunken, rowdy, and piratical.
And, of course, for tourism. A few decades ago, some of the market dropped out of piracy as Kingdoms increasingly realised that perhaps sending out treasure-laden ships undefended wasn't such a great idea. Luckily, everyone loves pirates. Well, everyone except the government, the armed forces, the church, merchants... but then there's tourists. And tourists LOVE pirates. At first, things had been a little rough between the groups, in spite of --uvnt's Board of Commerce's best efforts. But now, a few decades later, Pirates had gotten used to occasionally being asked to sign their wanted posters (some of them were secretly rather flattered) and tourists had come to consider the risk of being Shanghai'd onto a ship or being dragged into an alley, robbed, beaten, and then thrown into the sea as part of the 'ambiance' of the town.
Oh, the -- in --uvnt, the one that's silent... originally that was a swear word. The chamber of commerce insisted on the change.
"So… unvt?"
"No, --unvt. The '--' is silent."
"Silent? Wait, what's silent?"
"The '--'. Listen carefully, it's -----oo-ve-nn-t."
"-oo-ve-nn-t."
"No, no. The '--' wasn't long enough. ------oo-ve-nn-t. Try it again." And as Scarecrow watched the graceful lines of Dolphin's neck, the muscles moving under the smooth, golden skin as he attempted to correctly pronounce the name, the dread pirate gained a new appreciation for linguistics.
"--unvt," Dolphin murmured to himself as he worked on buttoning his shirt, which, in his skilled manner, caused his pants to become unzipped. "---unvt? No... -unvt? -unvt..."
Scarecrow watching in amazement as the hapless Dolphin finished buttoning his shirt, then began zipping his pants, causing his shirt to begin slipping from his shoulders while it was still buttoned. Amazing, simply amazing.
"Are you coming, Captain?" Dolphin asked as he tugged at his shirt, pants hanging dangerously low on his sculpted hips.
"Mmmgg," Scarecrow said, which could only be translated as- Well, best not to say in polite company. "Be... be right there."
They eventually got out of the cabin, where the crew and Fishcake (bet you thought we'd forgotten about Fishcake, didn't you?) waited to receive orders. "But why are we going to ...----OOvennt?" Dolphin asked, straining to get the name right.
"We need to stock up on rations and flea collars... maybe even a shovel or two... before we head for the Fourth Fire Shadow's treasure. Also, Fishcake will need to register with the Union of Cabin Boys."
"And ramen!" Fishcake piped up, from somewhere to the side of Dolphin. "We should get some ramen!"
"Doesn't Fishcake sound familiar?"
"Hmm? No, I don't think so..."
"Really? I swear, he sounds just like someone I know..."
"You must be imagining things."
"...what?"
"Nothing, nothing. Keep reading?"
"Yes, but if you hear any tiny screams, it's the sound of brain cells dying."
AN: Thank you to all our reviewers. You make writing wonderful. OMGSQUEE.
For additional fun, play the HMS drinking game. For every romance novel or bad KakaIru fanfic cliche, take a shot. (Authors are not responsible for any damage to self or property that may occur as a result of this or any other drinking game.)