Reckoning
Lazily, Claudia opened her eyes and looked up at Sirius. His own eyes were still closed but he was smiling. Same could not be said about the grim reaper tattoo that was still right above his heart; a stark reminder of how bad it got for him. She stared at it for ages, trying to figure out how to ask him the question that was on her mind while she fell asleep…
"Are you sure you want this?" she finally whispered.
"Never wanted anything more in my life…" he replied softly, with his eyes still shut.
"But you got so much better after we broke up..."
Sirius opened his eyes and took a deep breath. "I killed Tony."
"Sirius-"
"There is no point denying it, Claude," he said. "It was my spell that did it. Tony had a girlfriend and a kid on the way. And then, he was dead. I couldn't have gone home and kissed you, be with you, be happy." He turned over to face her, and gently put a strand of hair behind her ear. "Every time I even imagined doing that, Tony's dead face flashed in front of my eyes."
Claudia sighed. "So, you pushed me away?"
"Yeah. Made me feel like shit. Every argument, every drink, every-" he paused. "Anyone else… It all made me feel like crap. Just crap enough to live with myself." He closed his eyes and slowly planted a kiss on the top of Claudia's head. It made her forget her worries for a second or two. "You…" Sirius continued. "You make me feel like I matter. Like I'm worth something."
"And you didn't want to feel like you were worth something."
"Exactly… I did not want anyone to be good to me. And you've been nothing but good to me."
Claudia was drawing small circles on Sirius' shoulder, feeling more attracted to him than ever. "When did you get this smart?"
"I've been talking to someone."
"James?"
"Please!" Sirius said with a chuckle. "Someone who does it for a living. Barraclough actually reached out to me about it; arranged it all."
Claudia remembered. "He mentioned a therapist…"
"Yeah, she specialises in people who seen death in combat. I got the letter from Barraclough few days before I went to France but dismissed it. Only made the appointment when I found out he died. Felt like I owed it to him."
Claudia sighed. "That's so much like him…"
"I think he save my life," Sirius whispered. "At least indirectly he did."
"What is it like? The therapy?"
"It was hard at first. I thought we would spend it talking about the war…" Sirius said with a sad smile. "Ended up talking about you. And why I kept pushing you away-" he trailed off, looking like he was on the verge of tears again.
"You don't have to say-"
"I want to… There is no one I'd rather talk to about this. I just need a second." He sighed again. "Turns out my childhood was not all that healthy… And I'm not very good at processing things, because I did not grow up thinking people had my back."
"I'll always have your back."
"I know. And you can't imagine how happy that makes me. But, when I'm stressed out, I forget. It just doesn't come naturally to me, you know…"
"Do you think the therapy helped?"
"I think it did. It started with the little things. Having a healthy meal or washing my hair. Little things to do for myself. Slowly, it taught me I can let myself to feel happier. I don't have to self-destruct…" He closed his eyes for a moment. "But it's still hard. Sometimes I'm straight back in that hell…"
"I'm not going to run out on you again, when it gets-" She choked on her words. "I'm sorry for leaving…"
"Hey- Please don't think that. I'm begging you…" Sirius hugged her. "You put up with more than I deserved. I don't blame you for leaving. I think it was good for me that you did."
"If you ever try to push me away again..." she whispered, still determined never to let Sirius out of her sight. "What should I do?"
Sirius sighed but did not respond straight away. "Tell me there are better ways of making up for what I did than killing myself. Tell me it's ok to be happy. Remind me of right now."
"Right now?"
"If I can remember right now, I'll be fine."
Claudia touched her meteorite necklace and slid it over her head. "Take this," she mumbled. "Whenever you're feeling down and I'm not there, look at this. To always remind you about this moment." And she put it over Sirius' neck.
"What is it?"
"It's piece of a shooting start."
He smirked. "You mean a falling star?"
"Well, if you ever feel like falling again, remember that I'll be here to pick you up."
She could feel Sirius' embrace tighten a little.
"When did you get so poetic?" he mumbled into her ear before planting a lingering kiss on her neck, then her collarbone, chest, stomach, hip bone…
Claudia laughed and gently pushed his head away. "I need to take a shower first."
"Want some company?"
"Always…"
But it took them a good hour before they actually made it out of bed. They barely spoke, just laid there in an embrace, savouring every fleeting touch, every gentle kiss. Claudia could not even remember the last time she felt so warm and calm. Like everything in this world was in its place. Like everything was going to be alright.
Eventually, they made it to the shower. The hot water was hitting Claudia's head, Sirius' soapy hands were running up and down her body, which quivered with every touch and every kiss. Without warning, however, Sirius' body went rigid, and he straightened his back.
"I think I heard the door open, someone's here," he whispered. They did not have to wait for long to figure out the identity of the intruder.
"Pads, are you here?" James' voice carried from the living room, just about audible through the sounds of the running water. "Have you seen Claudia?"
"Don't come in here!" Sirius yelled.
"I don't care who you've got in there," James replied. His voice sounded louder now. "Your girlfriend is missing."
Claudia looked around for a towel but there was none in reach. And the shower curtain had mysteriously disappeared.
"She isn't-" Sirius yelled back.
"Yeah. Yeah." James interrupted. He must have been really close now. "Not your girlfriend. Keep telling yourself that."
Sirius turned to face away from the door, nudging Claudia to the side.
"What are you doing?" she hissed and pushed him back to hide herself from view.
"What am I doing? I'm hiding!"
"Don't pretend he hasn't seen your arse before," she giggled and held onto Sirius' body for dear life. He was bigger than her, and as long as they stayed at this angle, she was safe.
"Missing!" Sirius barked loudly, unmistakeably aimed at James, but it was too late. Claudia could see over Sirius' shoulder that James was standing in door to the bathroom. "She isn't missing," Sirius added with a sigh.
Giggling manically into Sirius' chest, Claudia freed her arm and waved at James.
"Remus and I've been looking for you all morning!" James barked. "I expect this kind of shit from him-"
"James!" Sirius yelled.
But James was having none of it. "But I really thought you had more sense than to just disappear like this! No note. You haven't even taken your wand!"
"James!"
"What?"
"Get the fuck out!" Sirius growled.
Claudia heard James' scoff, and the door slam.
"He's been with Evans for too long," Sirius sighed.
Claudia chuckled a little, but her heart was not really in it anymore. James was right. If Moody found out she disappeared like this, he would have skinned her alive. "Are you going after him?" she said with a grimace full of guilt.
Sirius groaned and traced the skin on Claudia's hips for a second or two. "I don't really have a choice, do I?"
"No, you don't."
They kissed one more time, and then managed to let go off each other.
When Claudia finally made it to the living room, all dried and dressed, James was sitting at the dining table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled and went to give him a little hug. "I didn't realise anyone would miss me."
"I was just worried something happened to you," James said as he let go off her. "I'm actually happy you are back together, really happy…" Then he paused and looked from Claudia to Sirius and back. "You are back together, aren't you? You've talked about it? This isn't just some dumb mistake."
Claudia turned to Sirius herself. Their eyes locked. There was so much love in Sirius eyes, it was hard to comprehend. They did not have to talk about it. "Yeah, we are back together," she mumbled, still staring into her boyfriend's eyes.
James finished his coffee, and with a smirk on his face, and a promise they would come to his for dinner, he left.
Sirius was scrambling some of those eggs that they thrashed earlier, and Claudia was sitting up on the counter watching him and clutching a coffee cup in her hands.
On the way for some salt, Sirius got a little distracted. "Please tell me you have a day off today," he mumbled as he traced the inside of her thigh.
"I do," she said and kissed him. "But you have to feed me first."
"First?" Sirius smirked.
"Like I don't know what you're thinking about right now."
They ate their eggs, finished their coffee, and tumbled into bed again.
When Claudia's head hit the pillow, she could not help but yawn. "I'll just close my eyes for a second…" she whispered.
She was not even sure whether Sirius answered or not. The moment his arms closed around her, she was asleep. When she opened her heavy lids, she saw that Sirius was also sleeping. She stretched for his watch on the bedside table. "Shit," she whispered. It was nearly two o'clock and she had plans. She sat up and gently nudged Sirius' shoulder.
"I need to go and see Alice," she whispered to her half-asleep boyfriend.
Sirius groaned and wrapped his arms around Claudia's waist. "Don't go."
"I'll be back before you even wake up," she kissed his cheek and extracted herself from the bed.
"But then we have to go to James' and Lily's."
"We will survive…"
Sirius growled a little before falling back asleep.
Claudia took Floo about halfway, and then apparated the rest of the way to Alice's house.
"Why are you so happy?" Alice asked even before Claudia had a chance to open her mouth.
So, Claudia told her. Alice was just as chuffed as James, although it was harder to tell as Neville has not slept for longer than four hours since he was born, and the sleep deprivation was starting to take its toll. Claudia did not stay long, and the moment Neville went down for his nap, she left to let Alice sleep.
But there was one more stop she needed to make before going back home. She needed to go pick up her stuff from Remus'.
When she got there, he was just packing to go on an Order mission.
"James told me…" he said coldly.
Claudia gave him a fleeting smile. "Thanks for letting me crash here."
Remus took a deep breath. "Are you sure you want to do this to yourself again? You know how bad-"
"I know it got bad," Claudia interrupted him. "And thank you for looking out for me. But he explained-" she trailed off.
"How could he have possibly explained all that?"
Claudia bit her lip. "I can't tell you, sorry."
Remus smirked. "This is what it's going to be like again, isn't it? No one allowed in your little club."
"I promised him."
"I thought we were friends."
"We are friends. But I really can't…"
"I just hope you know what you're doing."
Claudia stared at Remus for a long while before finding the right words. "I know that I love him, Remus. And that has to be enough."
Without another word from either of them, Claudia packed all her things and apparated back home, just in time for them to get to James' and Lily's for an early dinner.
But she was the only one ready to go. Sirius was still in the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, putting all kind of potions in his hair.
"How much longer are you going to take?" Claudia said with a laugh.
"Mustn't rush the process…"
She picked up an apple and crashed into bed. Half of Sirius' clothes were laid out on the duvet. "You still haven't decided what you want to wear?" she chuckled and bit into the apple.
Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible and emerged from the bathroom, toothbrush between his teeth.
"Am I not the one who's supposed to take forever to get ready?" Claudia laughed.
Sirius took the toothbrush out of his mouth. "I can't pull off scruffy. It's not my fault."
"Are you calling me scruffy?"
"You look hot scruffy. I look like Snape," Sirius said, throwing on a fresh shirt.
"Snape should be so lucky," Claudia smirked.
Eventually, they made it out of the flat and to their friends' house.
"Peter not here?" Sirius asked, his mouth full of the cottage pie that Lily had made. "I know Remus is off on a mission again."
"I spoke to Peter earlier. He did not feel-" James began, but Claudia jumped in.
"He hates me," she said with a grimace. "I'm not surprised he's gone into hiding the moment he heard."
"He doesn't hate you-" Lily said.
"Oh, he does." James reiterated. "Always has."
"Why?" Lily asked with a slight frown.
Claudia shrugged, slightly dreading that Lily would not be able to help herself and try to fix the situation. "Apparently because Sirius deserves someone nicer than me."
Sirius leaned closer to her. "Sirius most certainly does not," he whispered in her ear and they both started laughing.
The had a nice dinner, drunk and laughed, like the war was not raging around them. Around eight, Harry woke up and James went to sooth him. Claudia and Sirius decided they did not want to overstay their welcome and that it was time to go home.
Before they left, however, Claudia popped into the kitchen to say goodbye to Lily, who was cutting a banana up with her fork.
"Is it for Harry?" Claudia asked.
"No, he doesn't eat food yet, not for another couple months. This is my midnight feast. Harry spends half the night awake, and I get snacky."
Claudia did not quite know what to say. Neither of her friends were really selling the parenting stuff. But then, something else occurred to her. "Do you by any chance have Mrs Potter old recipe books?"
"Why?"
"Sirius mentioned he liked her crumble, and I was going to try make it."
"Awwwwww," Lily's face melted into a smile.
"Stop it! It's just a crumble."
Still chuckling to herself, Lily rummages through Mrs Potter's handwritten recipes. "Ah!" she exclaimed. "There it is. A crumble!"
Awkwardly, Claudia took it out of Lily's hands and shoved it in her pocket before making her way back to the sitting room.
James was back and gave Claudia the longest hug as they were leaving. "Never again do I want to be responsible for him by myself, do you understand?" he whispered in her ear.
Claudia laughed. "It's a lot, isn't it?"
"You have no idea."
"Oh, I think I do."
James laughed and squeezed her in his arms. "So good to have you back."
Hand-in-hand, Claudia and Sirius apparated home and plunged straight back into bed, making love under the open window. Afterwards, wrapped in a bedsheet, they sat together on the flat roof accessible from their bedroom window and shared a cigarette.
Claudia was resting her head on Sirius' shoulder, struggling to stay awake. "I don't want to go to work tomorrow." She sighed. "Last few months had been a lot... First, Marcus. Then, Barraclough. Now, watching Moody coping with losing a son. It's just…"
"What are you talking about?" Sirius interrupted. "Moody's son?"
"Oh, shit! I didn't tell you, did I?" she exclaimed and sat up. "You cannot tell anyone. Promise?" Seeing Sirius nod, she continued. "We overheard Moody at Aidan's funeral. He had an affair with his mother and was Aidan's real father. And they never told him…"
"That's fucked up."
"I know. You should see Moody at the funeral. It was just awful."
Sirius frowned a little and bore his eyes into Claudia. She knew him well enough to know he had something to say, and that she was not going to like what it was.
"What?" she hissed.
Sirius grimaced. "Just thinking about Moody. Are you sure you should've yelled at him? Resigned?"
"That's none-" Claudia began to defend herself, nearly forgetting that she was again talking to the one person she could trust, but then sighed. "You're right… I'll go and apologise to him."
"First thing tomorrow?"
"I hate apologising…"
"I know you do. But you have to."
Claudia scoffed. "Because you're so great doing things you have to do."
"Doesn't mean I'm wrong…"
Eventually, they finished their cigarette and went back to bed.
Out of nowhere, Claudia was talking to some prosecutor she barely knew when, suddenly, the conversation got interrupted by a sharp scream. She started to run towards the Ministry exits, the scream following her, until she jerked awake. But the screaming did not stop. Sirius was lying with his back arched and she could just about see in the moonlight that sweat was appearing on this face.
Claudia scrambled to her knees and leaned over him. "Hey," she whispered in his ear. "It's me. Everything is alright. I'm here. I'm here."
With one last scream, Sirius dropped back into the bed and slowly opened his eyes, breathing heavily. Claudia's hand was resting on his chest, and she could feel his heart racing.
"I'm here," she whispered again and brushed his hair away from his sticky face. "It's just a bad dream."
Sirius slid his hands around her back and hugged her tightly. "You better get used to these," he mumbled and turned over to face his girlfriend. "Get these every other day now."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Just wake me up," he sighed. "Whatever horror I'm experiencing is going to stop when I wake up." He shuffled down a foot or so, and rested his head on Claudia's chest.
She kissed his hair and run he fingers up and down his side.
"You know what's weird," Sirius was the first one to speak again. "Listening to your heart. It just seems so fragile. These small beats seem so inconsequential. But stop them and you'd be gone, and I'd be…" he sighed. "I don't even know what I'd be… And having to relive it every other night-"
"Is that what the nightmares are about?"
"Not always. But this one was."
Claudia hugged him even tighter. "Let's not talk about that. I can't…"
And with their own mortality on Claudia's mind, she fell asleep again.
The following morning, Sirius woke up, yet again, with a smile on his face. Like the nightmare never happened.
"Morning," Claudia mumbled and kissed him.
"Can we just stay here?" Sirius said with a yawn. "I could just eat, sleep and have sex for the rest of my life. We would never have to leave this flat again, this room even."
Claudia smiled, yesterday was indeed heavenly. But the nightmare and impending shift brought her back to reality… She could not stop wondering what to say to Moody, and the others. Wondering what to say to Oscar… She closed her eyes. She did not want to ruin this moment, but…
"I need to talk to you about something," she said morosely.
"Everything ok?" Sirius whispered and rubbed his eyes until they were fully open.
"I best just come out with it." She took a deep breath. "There wasn't just Fabian when we were broken up. I also kind of had a one night stand-"
"Claude, you don't own me any explanation-"
"Even if I see him every day at work?"
Sirius' features hardened a little, but he stayed silent. So, Claudia continued. "You have to promise not to tell anyone. Or–" she added significantly "- to make a big deal out of it. Oscar and I got drunk one night…"
Sirius barely suppressed a scoff. "Should've guessed."
"You have no right to judge me," she said with a small chuckle. "Or be annoyed about this."
Sirius grimaced. "I know, I know… I'm trying."
Claudia took a deep breath. "You have just gone to France with Marlene, and it was the night when Aiden died. We were both just really drunk and sad. I just couldn't face going back to Remus' place and crying myself to sleep."
Sirius still did not say anything.
"It was just a onetime thing between friends. I don't have any feelings for him…"
"How could you not?" Sirius groaned. "With that hair, those arms. The hot shot auror who doesn't play by the rules..."
"Sounds like you're the one who fancies him."
Sirius was looking a little flustered. "I don't fancy him. Just, you know… I'm just human-"
Claudia was biting her lip not to laugh. "Should I be the one who's jealous?" When Sirius said nothing, she put her arms around his neck. "Trust me, I don't feel that way about him. Isn't me telling you a proof of that?"
Sirius took a deep breath. "I guess. And I trust you." But he was still all tense and weird.
"Does it really bother you that much?"
Sirius thought for a minute, and then sighed. "I'm just mad at myself… Should've been there for you the night Barraclough died."
"What's done is done. Let's just never be that stupid again," Claudia whispered and kissed him.
"Thank you…"
"So you aren't going to kill him the first chance you get?"
"I'll try not to."
This was about as good of a promise as Claudia could have hoped for. Sirius made her a coffee and within the hour, Claudia was standing in front of Moody's office, her hands shaking nervously. She sighed and knocked.
"Go away!" Moody yelled.
Claudia ignored him and opened the door.
Moody turned; his face full of rage. He was clearly getting ready to shout at whoever dared to interrupt his morning, but when he saw it was Claudia, his mouth snapped closed.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I just-" she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I just wanted to apologise."
"For what?"
"I've been having a hard time of this. The guilt-"
Moody pointed towards the sofa. "Sit down."
Claudia sat down and mindlessly stroked the couch. "Aiden found me sleeping here one day. Helped me through whatever it was I was going through. And now… I feel so-"
"Claudia," Moody said hoarsely. "You are not to blame. I am."
Claudia vigorously shook her head. "No. I should've-"
"Aiden and I discussed it at length, for hours we went back and forth. We both knew there was a real possibility it was a trap, but we thought it was a risk worth taking. My only regret is that it should've been me who had died, not him."
"If you let me come-"
"Then you would be dead too. There were dozens of them…" Moody offered her a hipflask, but Claudia shook her head. "They only spared me because they thought I was dead." Moody took a long sip. He looked awful. Thinner, pale, shaking…
Claudia's stomach turned over. "I feel bad asking for that transfer. I don't want to go anymore. I want to help-"
"You should go…" Moody said, but seeing Claudia's eyes fill up with tears again, he continued. "Not that I want to get rid of you. But it's going to be good for the Order."
"Of course, the Order…" she said bitterly and wiped her tears.
"And I think it would do you good to get out this place for a while. Don't have the reminder of Aiden everywhere you look." He mumbled, patted her shoulder and slowly stood up.
"I can't even imagine what it's like for you…" she whispered, unable to hold that thought in. She was still sitting and looking at Moody through her eye lashes. "Him being-" she paused and swallowed. This was hard. Too hard. "Him having worked with you for so long."
"I'll get by," Moody said so quietly that Claudia could barely hear him. "Now, let's get you out of here. You don't want to be late for your first day."
Moody pushed Claudia out of the office and signed the temporary transfer, in full view of everyone else.
"When do you start?" Ewan asked.
Claudia glanced at her watch. "In fifteen minutes."
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
But before she left her usual office to go to the Ministerial floor, she walked over to Oscar's desk and leaned closer to him. "Can I talk to you?" she whispered. "Somewhere private."
They found a quiet corner in the corridor heading to the lifts, and Claudia took a deep breath before speaking. "Sirius and I are back together."
"Congratulations," Oscar smirked.
"I had to tell him."
"Tell him what?"
"About what happened the night Aiden died."
"Why?"
"Because I had to," Claudia said. "Can you try not to be an arse about it next time you see him?"
"I wouldn't!" Oscar tried to defend himself.
Claudia frowned a little. "Yes, you would."
Oscar chuckled. "Alright, I promise I'll behave."
With that promise, extracted somewhat under duress, she took the lift to the floor that housed the Minister's office.
The staff were all different except Berenice, who was besides herself with joy that Claudia was back. Claudia did not really know anyone else, with the exception of Fionnula, the Irish press secretary who seemed strangely familiar. Maybe they were at a meeting together at some point or bumped into each other in a lift.
After the Principal Private Secretary (the one in charge of the Minister's office) introduced Claudia to everyone, she sat down with Benjy, who she was taking over from, to get a handover briefing. The priority was a trip that the Minister was about to take. It was a last-ditch attempt to get some international support in the fight against Voldemort, and the Minister was touring European capitals first before heading off to New York for talks with the Americans. Claudia was given responsibility for the legs in Switzerland, Austria and Germany. It was a logistical nightmare. The Minister was only in Switzerland for six hours and everyone wanted a piece of him – the Swiss Minister wanted to show him around the state-of-the art prison they just built, the British wizarding community in Switzerland wanted him to open their new cultural centre, the English Quidditch team was just on a training camp in the Alps and the Minister wanted a photo opportunity. It was the same story in Austria.
"How's Sirius?" Benjy asked out of nowhere, as Claudia was wrecking her brain about how to fit it all in.
"How do you know?"
Benjy chuckled. "I've just spent thirty minutes talking at you about schedules, menus, and itineraries and you're still smiling."
"Sorry- I swear I've been paying attention..."
"I'm happy for you both," Benjy said with a smile. "Now, the state dinner in Bonn…"
Within couple of hours, Claudia was back to the old routine; checking correspondence, accompanying the Minister to meetings. But after the two years she spent in the Auror Office, it felt a little duller than it did all those years ago when she did it as a summer intern.
A week had gone by quickly, as Claudia was busy at work; there was a paper after paper to read, meeting after meeting to attend, trip after trip to plan. Despite all that, she felt happy. It was so nice to come home and crash into bed where Sirius was already sleeping, or to have him bring her dinner to the sofa, or just lie in the living room with her eyes shut as Sirius played the piano. No more cold, lonely nights at Remus'. Felt like being home again.
At the end of the week, they were lying in bed, naked. Sirius was stroking Claudia's back with his fingers. She could feel she was drifting off to sleep.
"Do you know what I've noticed?" he whispered, jerking her awake. "Your scars got paler. The smaller ones are nearly gone."
Claudia forced her eyes open. "Do you think-" she paused for a second or two, not really sure whether approaching this subject was a good idea. "That because Regulus is dead, they are finally healing?"
"Looks like it," Sirius whispered and sighed. "Go back to sleep-" he added and kissed her head. "You're shattered and I didn't mean to wake you."
Claudia did not really want to leave him to freak out by himself about his brother's death, but she just could not keep her eyes open and drifted off to sleep. When she woke up again, she was freezing. She looked towards the window that was open and she could just about see the night's sky and cigarette smoke rising from where Sirius must have been sitting.
"What's up?" she asked and pulled the duvet through the window to shelter them both from the gusts of wind that were making her shiver.
"Just realised it's been a year to the day since Reg died…"
"What a shitty year…" She took the cigarette out of his hand. "I keep forgetting he's dead. He was my friend for a long time, and-" she trailed off.
"Do you ever miss him?"
Claudia paused, having no idea how to answer that question. "I was so worried about you that I did not stop to think how his death made me feel…"
Sirius put his arm around her, and Claudia dropped her head on his shoulder.
"We would talk about Quidditch," she paused and chuckled to herself. "He probably never told you, but he was so upset when he got his Hogwarts letter and realised that he was not allowed a broom. My mother would not let me have one either. We pooled our pocket money and bought the cheapest, most useless piece of junk. It was the only thing we could afford." Claudia could not help but smile more. "We pretended it was mine while we were at school, and Reg's once we got on the train..." she trailed off. "We would sit in the common room for hours together, servicing it, trying to make it go faster. Like a couple of losers."
"You weren't losers," Sirius mumbled.
Claudia raised her head a little to look at him and saw he was crying. "Oh, we very much were losers," she said and squeezed his hand. "He changed though." When she saw Sirius look away, she added hastily. "But it was not your doing, trust me. My brother turned his head, promised him greatness. Hard to turn down for a Slytherin, you know…"
"You turned it down."
"Because I hate my parents more than I like power…" she smirked.
"Reg should've despised them too. I should've made sure." Sirius took his cigarette back.
"He was just as stubborn as you are. He needed to get there himself."
Sirius sighed. "Well, it seems he did get there. It was just too late."
Claudia shuffled closer to Sirius and held his hand. She did know what to say.
"Did he ever talk about me?" Sirius added.
"Not much. I think, he was too proud to admit that he wanted to be closer with you." She paused and smiled. "You really are more alike than either of you would ever admit."
"Well, we are related… Were related."
"Family… It's messed up how that still means something, after everything that happened." She took the cigarette back and blew out smoke against the dark sky. "You were right, I did not want to have the same stupid, baseless guilt hang over me, in case something happened to my brother. That's why I talked to him…"
"You've always been smarter than me…"
"Well, I wasn't smart, was I? I killed Barraclough… I killed someone I loved because I was trying to give a second chance to someone who did not deserve it."
"You didn't kill Barraclough. In the same way I didn't kill Reg. Promise me you'll try to get this out of your head."
Claudia sighed. "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I don't want to move on from what happened."
"I'll tell you what. You stop feeling guilty, and I'll do one thing I don't want to do, alright?"
"What?"
"I need to go see Tony's girlfriend. Someone needs to tell her he's dead. That he hasn't just left them."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"You would?"
"Of course."
"I don't know how to find her thought…"
"We'll figure something out."
On Saturday, Claudia had the afternoon off as the Minister had left for France. When she got home, just after lunch, Sirius was sitting on the sofa in silence, submerged in thought.
"Everything alright?"
There was no response. Sirius kept staring into the fire that was now lit. October was approaching and it was getting chilly.
Claudia sat down next to him. "I'm here if you feel like talking."
A good twenty minutes had passed. Twenty minutes that Claudia spent staring into the fire and gently stroking Sirius hand with her thumb. At first, she thought it would give her anxiety that he kept silent. But it did not. She was sure he knew she was there for him. She could feel the connection. And that was enough.
"It's time to go and see her," Sirius finally whispered. "Tony's girlfriend."
"How did you find her?"
"Broke into his flat. There were letters. It was the only way…" He passed Claudia a battered envelope with a return address in Poplar.
"What are you going to say? The truth?" she whispered.
"I don't know," Sirius shrugged. "If he didn't tell her he was a wizard, then what right do I have? But I want her to know that he died a hero…"
Claudia paused for a moment to think. "I've read enough muggle spy novels to be able to construct a story. We can still give him a hero death, without telling the truth."
"I want to give her some money too…"
"We could say it was Tony's pension?"
Sirius sighed. "It's hard even talking about it. How will I ever tell her?"
"I can do the talking if you can't..." She looked at the envelope again. "I've been nearby. I can apparate us."
"Can we take the bike?"
"Are you sure? Are you up for driving?"
"If we drive, I can't drink... And I'll need all the help I can get not drinking today."
Claudia squeezed Sirius' hand and without another word, they went down to the garage and set off. Claudia holding onto him as tightly as she ever did. Partly because the reality of having him back was new, but party because she was still terrified of riding that thing. They drove through central London, then turned east by the river. Rushing past Whitechapel, Claudia remembered their first Order meeting that took place nearby. They thought it was going to be boring then. Oh, how wrong they were.
"This is it." Claudia whispered, looking up from the map at a row of brick terraces.
Sirius stood frozen by his bike. Individual droplets of rain started to fall and mark little spots on his leather jacket.
"Shall we?" she mumbled.
"One more second…"
"Sirius."
"Fine." Sirius dried his palms, took a deep breath, walked over to the house and knocked.
"Just a minute!" a voice beamed from inside the house, and shortly a tall mixed-race woman appeared in a dressing gown, her curly hair in a high bun. She was holding a baby and was covered in what looked like the baby's lunch. They must have been a few months older than Harry and Neville.
"Miss Thomas?" Claudia asked.
"Who are you?" the woman replied instead of confirming her identity. But the lack of denial was good enough for Claudia.
Claudia glanced at Sirius, who he was completely frozen. She gave him a few seconds before deciding to jump in. "Friends of Tony."
"What now?" the woman said with a sigh. "The police have already been."
"Can we come in?"
"If you must."
"You said the police had already been?" Claudia asked carefully.
"Yeah. Few months back. Came to tell me Tony died in a car accident."
"We're really sorry," Claudia said with another side glance at Sirius, who was still very pale and his face was full of nervous tension. And he still did not say a word.
"Sit." Miss Thomas sat them down on the sofa. "Sorry but I don't have enough hands to make you tea."
Claudia looked around the sitting room. The baby's mess was everywhere. Lily and Alice didn't know how lucky they were being able to use cleaning spells while looking after the little one. "Don't worry about tea."
"How did you know Tony again?" Miss Thomas asked.
"From work."
Miss Thomas glanced at Sirius, who now looked ashen. "You don't look like an accountant."
Sirius finally managed to speak. "That's because he wasn't an accountant. And he didn't die in a car accident either," he said in hoarse voice.
"What?" Miss Thomas gasped. "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Sirius seemed to have gone mute again, so it felt to Claudia to explain. "He was with an intelligence agency." She paused to remember a well-rehearsed cover story; all those muggle spy books she read when hunting Mulciber and living with Remus were finally useful. "He was an agent, investigating organised crime. He died fighting to bring some really bad people to justice."
Miss Thomas' eyes narrowed. "How did he really die? If not in a crash…"
"Shootout." Sirius said tentatively. "He saved my life."
"Why wouldn't he…" Tears started to fall down Miss Thomas' face. "Shootout. My Tony… Ridiculous." The baby began to cry too. She squeezed him in his arms and kissed the top of his head. "Why wouldn't the bastard coppers tell me in the first place?"
Claudia swallowed dry. She did not think of that… "To be clear. If you go to the police or the agency, they'll deny everything. That's how deep undercover he was. There is no trace, no paperwork."
"So, how come you are here?" she stood up to rock the weeping baby.
"They sent us to give you a death-in-service lump sum..."
"Do you hear it Deanie," Miss Thomas whispered to the baby and wipe her tears. "The government is trying to buy our silence."
Little Deanie started crying some more, and Claudia noticed Sirius' eyes were filling up too. She suspected he was very close to confessing everything, and getting himself landed in Azkaban for breaking the Statute of Secrecy.
Miss Thomas rocked her baby few more times before mumbling. "Sorry, I have to go. Dean's due a nap."
"We'll get going."
"Shut the door behind you…"
They watched Miss Thomas walk up the stairs and when she disappeared from view, Sirius dropped an envelope stuffed with muggle money onto the coffee table.
The moment they got out of the house, Sirius collapsed onto the kerb and hugged his knees. It was still drizzling but pointing that out and getting him to move was pointless.
"Thank you for doing all the talking," he mumbled and wiped his eyes. "I really could use a drink right now." His hands were shaking slightly, and tears flowing freely down his cheeks.
Claudia crouched in front of him, reached for his hands and squeezed until they were steady.
"Just remember," she whispered with a hint of a smirk. "If you do drink now, I will have to drive home. With you on the back. And I have no patience, no idea how to do it and a desire for speed."
Sirius laughed through the tears and dropped his head on Claudia's shoulder. "I wish I could just tell her the truth."
"You can, one day."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean is that in eleven years' time, one Dean Thomas is going to get on a train to Hogwarts and you will no longer have to worry about breaking the Statute of Secrecy when telling him his father was a hero."
"You're totally right. How did I not realise?"
"He's going to be in the same year as Harry and Neville."
"I guess that makes me feel a little better," Sirius whispered. "I can ask Harry to keep an eye on him."