-walks in- Hiii! XDD How ish yew all?
Hmm... Ther might be a bit of a delay on the next update here. This is kinda like, well... It'll be a major time lapse before the next chapter. Ugh, My X key isn't working right and I have to press extra hard. XX More words have X in it than you think. XD
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
He can't possibly love me.
He said all of those things about me. He said he loved me. He said I was smart, funny, sweet... But he didn't mean that. He couldn't have meant that. It isn't possible. Not after what he did. He raped me. That has to prove that he's in love with my body, not me. He couldn't love me. He doesn't know how to love.
I want to believe him so bad. I just want to say yes, and have a relationship with him. I want to leave the hospital hand in hand with him and go home, and do what we used to… and I know it would all end up in sex but I don't care, I don't care. I just… I don't know what I want. I want someone to love me and care about me. I want... I want us to be like we used to be. But being with Bakura was a lie. It wasn't him in love with me. It was a lie. A stupid lie. A stupid, pathetic lie and I fell for it and...
I'm just wishing for something that is never going to happen. I'm wishing for someone who isn't capable of any human emotion to love me. Ugh. I'm so pathetic. No wonder Bakura only wants me for my body. I'm clingy, whiny, I'm too shy for my own good... Not even Malik wants to know me right now. He was right. I do isolate myself. I'm so stupid and boring…
Ryou sighed, slowly lifting his head from the security that came with having his forehead in his knees to stare at the regulation white clock that hung on the wall opposite him. Three PM… six hours since he's last seen Bakura, left him silent on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The whitenette bit his lip, blinking away tears that formed in chocolate eyes. All of this mentally berating himself was making him even more depressed, but for hours, it was all he could think about. There was nothing he could do. He felt so stupid, so hopeless and pathetic. Bakura was in the hospital, very weak, and drugged up to the nines, barely conscious. Malik had stormed off somewhere, and didn't want to talk to him. He was probably pissed off at the teen, and Ryou honestly didn't blame him. I don't know why he chose to stay friends with me.
All of this time... I thought Malik had a crush on Bakura. I thought he was in love with my yami. Heck, Malik told me himself. Why is he acting like this then? Is it the way Bakura's treated me? Is he jealous? Is it because what he put me through was nothing short of torture? Why was he so surprised when he found out? Did he honestly think that Bakura had any good in him? That he wasn't capable of what he did? Malik had an idea, but he couldn't stop it. Nobody can. Not even I can...
Unless...
Unless I lie myself. If I say yes, that I want to try a relationship, then Bakura wouldn't hurt me anymore. Not if he wanted us to be together. If I say yes, all Bakura would show towards me is tenderness and compassion. It means I would have to submit to him though... I don't think I could do that. Heck, I don't think I could sleep with anyone again after what Bakura did. I never knew it would hurt so much. On the other hand, Bakura would make it an enjoyable experience for the both of us. He'd be kind and gentle, like I fantasized... wouldn't he? Maybe... Maybe if I get him to at least show me that he's mean it, well then I would honestly try. I-I don't know if I love him, but I certainly care about him. And I'd be... What did Malik call it? Taking advantage of the situation. I'd be making us both happy, I suppose.
What am I saying? This is Bakura. I-I can't do this. Not unless he's genuine. And he couldn't be. He couldn't. Ryou whimpered softly, pressing his head back against his kneecaps. This isn't fair. Why am I forced to make this choice? How the heck can Bakura do this to me? To beat me and hurt me so much and then the very next day say he loves me? If he really did, would he do that to me? He said he loved me, and then four hours later he nearly broke my neck. I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
Malik let out a long moan, locks of sandy blonde twisted in tanned fingers. This wasn't fair. Not fair. How could he fall for Ryou like this? His friend? The one person apart from his family who actually trusted him? Leaning against the cold metal rail, the Egyptian wrinkled his nose, thoughtfully cupping a chin in a hand. All he could think about was Ryou and Bakura. What an ironic love triangle this was.
When the hell is Ryou going to pull his head in and just accept the fact that Bakura wants to be with him? I thought he loved him, so why isn't he jumping at the chance, like I would?
On the other hand, I've never been treated badly by Bakura. What he does to Ryou is nothing but sadistic. I don't know if I would be able to put up with his bullshit like that… But then again, I do actually have a backbone. Ryou's hopeless. I wouldn't take anything lying down, but Ryou would submit to anything. Wouldn't he? He certainly wouldn't take rape lying down, but...
Ugh. Why am I even thinking about this? There's no chance in hell for me to get together with either of them. They're both made for each other, they just don't see it. I feel so useless. I'd never try to sabotage their relationship- I couldn't do that to Ryou- But their both just too blind to see that they love each other. Bakura's abuse has probably ruined it for them. I should just stay out of it. I'm going to stay out of it. If they're really meant for each other, then they'll figure it out for themselves. I thought it was obvious… But was that just me being having a good intuition for once?
I should really go and find Ryou...
Ryou bit his lip so hard it was almost bleeding as he stared at the white door. This was scary. Beyond scary. This was Ryou doing something that was going to change his whole life. It was… Ryou didn't even want to think about the consequences. Instead, he took a deep breath, summoning up all of his courage, and opened the door, stepping inside.
It wasn't Bakura in the bed.
The whitenette gasped, two hands grasping the doorframe for support as he stared blankly at the sleeping figure in the bed. Unless Bakura had managed to turn himself into a middle-aged woman, he wasn't here. Was he in the right room? Ryou chanced a glance towards the door, 26-E staring back at him. It was the right room. And Bakura wasn't here. Had he'd been moved, or did he… Did he die? Ryou started to hyperventilate, tears coursing freely down his ivory face. No no no no no! I was going to give him a chance! I was going to make it all right again! He can't... H-He just can't...
"Oh my goodness!" Ryou started at the soft voice behind him, his heart hammering in his chest, his lungs still screaming for air. "What's going on?" The light spun around, finding a mild-mannered nurse facing him, shock and confusion written on her face.
"M-My brother!" Ryou blurted out, struggling to control his tears. "H-He w-was in th-this room, a-and now he's g-gone!" The whitenette rubbed at his eyes hastily, sniffing. The nurse frowned for a moment, but then comprehension dawned on her face.
"Ohh! You must be a relative of that young man… Bakura?" Ryou nodded, his face in his hands. "Look, sit down here." The teen sank into the grey plastic chair, guided by the nurses hand. "You need to calm down." She placed the clipboard beside her and took a seat herself. Ryou sobbed into his hands, his shoulders heaving and breath in short gasps. "I'm going to need you to calm down, please sir." Ryou nodded, swallowing his shuddering sobs and wiping at his eyes. It was a few moments before he managed to steady his breath, looking up at the nurse with red-rimmed brown eyes.
"Wh-What happened?" Ryou finally managed to stammer, taking deep breaths to control his hyperventilating. "I-Is he okay? P-Please s-say he's okay…"
"Your brother is fine." The nurse managed to blurt out before Ryou collapsed into a fresh wave of tears. "He went into surgery three hours ago to treat his left arm. You will be able to see him in a recovery ward in the morning." Ryou swallowed, and sighed deeply at her words, his head in his hands again. So I worried like that over nothing... typical me again. "I suggest that you should go home and get some rest." Ryou wrinkled his nose, but nodded into his hand, his overworked lungs still gasping desperately for breath. I don't want to have to keep going through this… I'm so stressed and tired... I just want this to be over. I just want Bakura healthy and sarcastic like he used to be. I want Malik to be my friend, to stop acting so nervous all the time.
I want things to go back to how they were before Bakura started to lie.
"Thanks so much for letting me stay another night." Ryou sighed, setting his worn backpack stuffed with clothing on the floor before collapsing onto Malik's messily made bed. He stretched out, spread-eagled on the king-sized mattress, enjoying its huge width. "I love this bed so much." Malik flushed slightly at Ryou's comment. You could sleep here every night if you wanted to… The Egyptian sighed, rolling his eyes heavenwards. Okay, stop thinking like that.
"I hate to think of you sleeping in that tiny apartment by yourself." Malik said softly, taking a risk, and sprawling out beside the light. Ryou's little body was pressed close to his, pearly white strands tickling the side of his face and flushing tanned cheeks. "Especially that little bed. How the both of you sleep on it, I don't know…" Ryou sighed, stretching his limbs and unintentionally curled his leg around Maliks', the Egyptians' blush deepening.
"Until a short time ago, we didn't." Ryou murmured, closing his eyes. "He made me sleep on the floor." He let out a long sigh, rolling onto his side. Malik's eyes widened as the whitenette flung an arm around the older boy's waist, snuggling into his side. It was then when Malik noticed that Ryou was shivering, his bare arm on his midriff extremely cold. The teen frowned at the light's cold arms, holding Ryou's frigid form closer to him.
"Why the hell are you so cold?" Malik looked down at Ryou, who had his head buried in his shoulder. "It's so warm."
"I-I don't know." Ryou murmured, his soft voice muffled against the Egyptian's shoulder. "I-I get cold a lot recently…"
"It's probably because you're so thin." Malik poked an exposed rib to prove his point. Ryou giggled, squirming ticklishly as the older boy continued to run his fingers light along the whitenette's ribcage. "See?"
"I-I-I, O-Ok-Okay!" Ryou howled, rolling over onto his back to try and escape the blonde's tickle torture. Malik grinned, merely straddling the lights waist and tickling both sides of his chest. Ryou shrieked with laughter, arching his back and squirming beneath the Egyptian, giggling hopelessly. "S-S-Stoppp!" Ryou half moaned, half giggled, writhing as he screamed with laughter. Malik's smile grew, and he removed his hands from Ryou's sides. The light panted, bangs damp and sweaty. Malik smiled at the light, who giggled in return, his cheeks flushed.
"Hmmm?" Malik raised a blonde eyebrow, placing a hand on one hip. Ryou giggled again, his perfect pink lips, parted slightly as he gasped for breath. Malik couldn't help but stare at Ryou trapped beneath him, panting and sweaty with his shirt hitched up slightly to reveal smooth white skin. Malik groaned under his breath, hands moving of their own accord to comb fluffy white hair. Ryou sighed, eyelids gently closing as Malik teased the pearly strands with slim tanned fingers. It never crossed the whitenette's mind that Malik's soft gentle touch meant anything more than friendship, even when he ran splayed fingers down Ryou's chest, the light's breath hitching at the touch. Malik closed his eyes as he rested his hands on Ryou's hips, trying to remember every smooth contour of the light's beautiful body.
What the hell are you doing?
Malik's eyes snapped open and he jerked his hands away from Ryou's body as though they were burned, his mouth falling open and guilt flooding his insides. Ryou merely looked up at the older teen with wide chocolate orbs, white bangs damp with sweat falling into his eyes. The Egyptian couldn't tell what emotions were hidden in those dark mocha depth, but judging from his quiet submission, he wasn't scared. Confused, maybe, but not scared. What are you doing to him, touching him like that? You have to keep those thoughts to yourself, you idiot, you can't let the way you feel about him damage your friendship. He's too naïve, to innocent to play with like that. He has no idea that you just made a freaking pass at him!
"M-Malik?" Ryou's soft voice, slightly confused, broke him out of his thoughts. "M-Malik, are you all right?" The Egyptian blinked, and with a strange look in his eyes, slid off of Ryou, sitting up with his folded hands in his lap. Ryou frowned, using weak arms, still trembling, to push himself into a sitting position. "Wh-What's wrong?" He placed a slim white hand on the Egyptians shoulder, Malik freezing up at the lights gentle touch. Ryou bit his lip, leaning his chin on Malik's shoulder and wrapping his arms around the teens waist. Malik sighed at the teens shivering form pressed into his back, struggling to ignore the rise of colour in his cheeks.
"Nothing…" The Egyptian finally managed to mutter, keeping his eyes downcast, and his thoughts away from Ryou and his affectionate gestures. Did he treat all of his friends like this? Did he give Yugi, Anzu, Jou this kind of affection? Malik couldn't see it possible. How could someone as loving and affectionate as Ryou have not been taken advantage of? Or… did Ryou only treat Malik like this? The thought made the colour in Malik's cheeks flush even more, and he pulled himself away from the light, muttering under his breath. "Should really get you something to eat… No wonder you're so cold… You're got no body fat to keep you warm…" Ryou was puzzled as Malik hopped off the bed and towards the kitchen, but followed his lead, clinging tightly to his hand. Ryou was pressed to his side as he managed to throw together a bit of pasta, silent except for the occasional soft word of advice, or small smile. Malik couldn't help but wonder if Ryou smiled at anyone apart from him. Bakura, maybe? One day, Malik went to pick Ryou up from school, waiting outside the school gates. He knew that he walked home with Jou, who lived in the same building as him, so he did still have some fragile form of contact with him. They both came out of the building a few minutes later, Jou nattering endlessly about something insignificant, Ryou staring off into space. Malik was dumbstruck at how bland and colourless he seemed, saying nothing, and not meeting anyone's eyes. Malik had finally managed to catch his eye, and the moment Ryou had registered it was his voice, and caught sight of him, the teen had instantly lit up. It shocked Jou, and it also shocked Malik. Ryou acted so drab around Yugi and his friends, and he couldn't understand why. Was it under Bakura's rule? Or did Ryou act like that by himself? Malik knew that his friendship with Ryou wouldn't exist without Bakura's approval. In fact, a year ago, him and Ryou weren't really that close. Malik was still guilt-ridden about everything that had happened, and Ryou was a bit afraid of the older boy, but a year of admitting secrets to each other, of talking and sharing as much as they could, of just being together had made the pair extremely close, and dependant on each other. Ryou was easily the best friend he'd ever had.
"This is really good." Ryou smiled, shoveling pasta in by the forkful. "Mm. Thanks a lot for this, I was really hungry." Malik smiled, eating with the same ferocity as the whitenette beside him. "I-It's nice to not have to cook for once."
"Well, I don't know." Malik said carefully, setting down his fork. "You did help me a lot. It would have been ruined without you, Ryou."
"Oh come on, I can't take all of the credit." The teen smiled, taking a sip from his glass of water. Ryou sighed, his smile widening.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Ryou said softly, trailing his fork through the pasta. "Just thinking… This is really nice, Malik. I'm not used to being so comfortable like this." Malik smiled warmly, his lavender eyes soft and affectionate.
"You know, you'll always have a home here if you need it." Malik reached out and took Ryou's hand, squeezing his slim pale fingers lightly. "I'll never abandon you." Ryou sniffed, looking up with a wide hopeful smile that almost melted the Egyptians heart.
"Y-You have no idea how much that means to me."
Malik couldn't sleep that night. He sat up in his comfortable, king-sized bed, his knees drawn to his chest, lavender eyes staring at his large window in the opposite wall. Confusion, guilt, and anger were all running through his veins. He was confused with Ryou, guilty with himself, and angry with Bakura. Especially Bakura. Malik clenched his hands into fists, setting his teeth. I can't believe that arrogant bastard could do this to Ryou. How could he attack somebody so innocent and sweet as Ryou? He's sick. Sick can't even begin to explain his twisted insanity. I know he's never had a chance to love someone or treat them well, but he's letting his only opportunity pass him by because he's been treating Ryou like a piece of shit! Ryou has only ever been nice to him since day one! I just-
Okay, I really have to calm down. Malik sighed, leaning against the headboard. He couldn't be angry right now. Not with Ryou sleeping beside him, not with those consequences. He couldn't lose control again, he wasn't going to let himself.
Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, but Malik forced them down, taking but gulps of air to try and suppress his sobs. He hated being a teenager like this. He hated his hormones being out of whack, with the constant mood swings and his uncontrollable emotions. Whoever said that these were going to be the best years of his life was a retard.
He wanted his family. He wanted his brother and sister here so he could lean on them for support. Malik couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't stay in this apartment alone with Ryou, it was driving him insane! Every time he laid eyes on Ryou, he couldn't help but stare. Every time his fingers brushed Ryou, his touch lingered. Despite all of this obvious closeness, the whitenette was completely oblivious about the way Malik really felt. If anything, Ryou was just as affectionate, although the blonde knew it was just his way of expressing friendship. How could Bakura hate such a sweet, compassionate soul? Malik smiled, shifting his gaze to the sleeping form beside him. Ryou was curled onto his side, facing the Egyptian. His long white hair had fallen into his eyes, and Malik brushed them away. Ryou's eyelids flickered at the blonde's gentle touch, but remained asleep, his chest steadily rising and falling.
Even though Ryou's hair was now out of his face, Malik continued to gently, soothingly stroke his cheek.
"I'll wait out here, okay Ryou?"
"O-Okay." Ryou swallowed, and let out a long breath. He straightened his back, drawing himself to his full height. "Okay. I can do this. I can do this." He pressed a palm on the white door, feeling it give under his slim hand. The whitenette's stomach was fluttering nervously, but Ryou pushed it away, stepping over the threshold into the white hospital room.
His brown eyes softened as he gazed at the demon, the corners of his mouth turning up into a small smile. Bakura sighed, bleary eyes open a slit. He blinked as Ryou closed the door behind him, the ghost of a smile hovering around his lips. Ryou's own shy, insecure smile broke into a huge grin, and he almost ran to the demons side, sinking into the hard plastic chair. He took Bakura's heavily bandaged hand in both of his, his left hand gently stroking the back of the demons'.
"Are you feeling better?" Ryou whispered, slightly deflating when he was able to properly inspect Bakura's condition. There were still two tubes going into his other arm, and Bakura looked a total mess. His hair was tangled and looked as though it had been days since it had even seen a brush or comb. Deep purple shadows were underneath his eyes, and Ryou had never seen his skin look so… Yellow.
"Like hell." Bakura muttered, his voice harsh and unused. Ryou closed his eyes momentarily, his chin trembling. "Tell them to get these tubes out of me." The whitenette sighed and then giggled bowing his head.
"Bakura, you have to keep those tubes in." Ryou explained, rolling his eyes. "One's an IV so you won't starve to death, and I'm pretty sure the clear one there is a painkiller. You had to have a tendon stitched back together." Bakura sighed, slumping into the pillows.
"So they got me on drugs." Bakura snarled, glaring weakly at the ceiling. "No wonder I can't frigging move." Ryou winced as the yami's anger grew. "What the hell are they still keeping me here for?"
"Because you only had surgery yesterday." Ryou tried to reason, leaning forward. "They said you're going to be here for a few more days… I'm so sorry…"
"What?" Bakura rasped, opening his eyes a slit to stare at Ryou. "Three fucking days?"
"At best." Ryou admitted, keeping his eyes downcast. Bakura growled, cursing under his breath as he wrenched his hands away from Ryou in anger. The light whimpered, closing his eyes and hunching in on himself as if he expected a blow.
"Why are you here." Bakura demanded tiredly, opening his eyes wider staring at Ryou's hunched little form. "Why did you come."
"T-To see how you were." Ryou sniffed. He wiped at his eyes hurriedly, and lifted his head. "A-And… And to… Well… Give you a bit of a… A proposition, I guess."
"A what?" Bakura frowned. Ryou swallowed, nibbling on his lower lip.
"W-Well… I-I still remember what you said Yami. How you loved me. Well, you said you loved me. A-And how it wasn't for my body. W-Were you being serious? I-I mean…"
"Yeah." Bakura narrowed his eyes. "Why?" Ryou swallowed, twisting his hands together and keeping his eyes together.
"W-Well… I-I was wondering i-if you wanted to um, try a… try a relationship." At this, Bakura's eyes widened, and his breath died in his throat.
"Wh-What?" Bakura finally managed to stammer, as he lay utterly frozen. Ryou nodded, wiping at his eyes.
"Y-Yeah." He said softly, a trembling smile working it way across angelic features. "W-We've gone through so much, Bakura." He breathed, not looking at the demon. "A-And I know you've hurt me so much, and you've lied to me, b-but…" Ryou swallowed. "I-I still feel th-that way about you, Bakura." He continued, rubbing at his nose.
"I-I won't hurt you." Bakura managed to choke out, dark eyes staring straight at Ryou. The whitenette swallowed.
"N-No." Ryou agreed. "I-I'll give it a chance, B-Bakura." He sat, rubbing at his nose. "I-I'm not running to you with open arms. I-I just want to try this. B-But if you hurt me, it'll be over forever." Ryou took a deep breath. "A-and I-I want you t-to leave, and never c-come back." Bakura sighed.
"I-I get it." The demon muttered. "A-and the answer is yes. It always will be, Ryou. I-I love you." Ryou broke into a genuine smile, taking Bakura's hand. The demon clung tightly to the whitenette's digits, closing his eyes. It felt like a deep weight inside was released. Ryou was going to be with him again. They were going to be a real couple. Ryou and Bakura. Lovers. He knew a wide smile was on his face, but he didn't care, tightening his hold on the light's hand. He was never going to let go.
Am I doing the right thing? Ryou bit his lip, deep in thought. Is trying this out right? I mean, this is the person who's caused me years and years of pain. I've read things in newspapers about people who always run back to their abusers and rapists if they love him… Does that mean I love Bakura? I don't know. There will always be something there, I'll never deny that, but I don't know if it's love. I suppose...
Well, I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
R&R?