Chapter 49.

Dean woke to find Anael's eyes on him again. "You must get sick of looking at me all night." he said.

"No." she said, "I like looking at you. That night that never happened ... "

He quickly interrupted, "No, it happened. We don't have to pretend it didn't now."

"Good, because it's difficult to pretend that."

"Yeah, for me too."

"That night, well, that whole day, I'd been looking at you a lot. Your arms are a very pleasing shape. The way you move is fascinating. Your eyes are beautiful."

"No man likes to be called beautiful." he said.

"Sorry," she said, "I didn't know."

"Celestial free pass." he said, "There's a lot you guys don't know."

"I don't think I like being called a guy ." she said. He liked that. It made her seem more human, less a junkless, genderless angel.

"Duly noted." he said, "I'm sorry."

"Do you think of me as a woman?" she said.

"Since that night, very much so," he said, "And I was trying not to. Anyway, you were saying about that night."

"I'd been watching you all day and ... thinking thoughts and when you went into that bathroom and I heard the shower, all I could think was that you were in the next room, naked."

"Yeah, I really should have locked the door."

"Locks don't work against angels, Dean. It would fall open at my touch, without me having to think about it."

"I know, but leaving it locked would have made me less complicit. The unlocked door feels like an invitation."

"If you don't regret it, why do you feel guilty?" she said.

"I don't know? Habit?" he said, "I just feel like it wasn't only you making the moves."

"And you'd rather it was?"

He considered that. He wouldn't. It should be a mutual thing and it had been, but her nature complicated things, had he tempted an angel into sin? He almost laughed aloud at how insane that sounded, with how little he cared about the church and its views on sin and how much he knew of angels and the pure evil they were capable of.

"You're smiling." she said.

"Yeah, I am so full of crap." he said, "Maybe I did invite you, but either way, I'm glad you made the move, because I never would have and I'm coming to the conclusion that the move had to be made."

"It's good to hear you say that." she said.

His fingers interlaced with hers. "Still scares me to even think it." he said, "But I think I need you. I think I may have needed you my whole life."

"And you think you're not allowed to need anything." she said.

"You survive and you finish the job and then you can rest." said Dean, "There isn't a lot of room for personal wants and needs."

"Sounds a lot like the rules we lived by, except our survival was not a priority." she said.

"Yeah, my father and God had some similarities, although not so much the ones I thought at the time."

"But you still love your father."

He let go of her hand. His was getting too fond of the soft embrace of her fingers. "There were plenty of differences too." he said, "Ego was never a part of it for him, just grief and loss and fear. Everything he did, he did for us. It wasn't his fault, any of it. Chuck is another matter. Everything he did, he did by choice."

"I was created to love him, to serve him, to think only of his glory and there are still times when I just want to go back to that feeling of being the adoring child of a perfect father."

"Right there with you." he said, "But every father proves imperfect and it's the flaws and how they handle them that shape the adult relationship you have. My father owned his faults and apologised for them."

"Mine never did, but then, we were never supposed to become adults." That seemed a very human insight.

"No, you were supposed to remain eternal children, obedient and devoted. Cas had the same issues breaking out of that. Still does, but he made it and so will you."

"It's weird. I miss loving my father, but I feel no love for him now, only anger."

"It's not weird at all." he said, "It's natural."

"You mean for an angel?"

"I mean for anyone." he said. He watched her face, wishing he were better at reading the odd moods and expressions of angels. "Are you okay?" he said.

She wriggled closer and laid her arm across his stomach. "I'm happy," she said, "Here, with you. I feel loved, even if you can't easily say it."

"You are, even if this can't hope to last." he said. He felt her body tense and regretted saying the latter part, but it was the truth and honesty was important.

"Are you sure it can't?" she said.

Of course it couldn't, because he wanted it to and that wasn't how life worked and because she was an angel and because he was dumb enough not to be able to reconcile his conflicting emotions around that and because at some point, she was going to find something better and he couldn't blame her for giving him up for that. In fact, he would insist upon it.

"Far too sure." he said.

"You're not certain." she said.

"Good things do happen," he said, "But you're a little too good for me and I know you want stuff I can't give you."

"Such as?"

"Anael, I won't bring another Nephilim into the world. We could never have kids."

"I won't either." she said, "No offence to Jack, but they terrify me, but when i become human, any children we conceive will be fully human."

"And so will you and I don't want that."

"I want it." she said.

"I know you do, which is why this can't work forever."

"Will you really make me choose between you and my chance to be human?"

"I have to."

"Even though, if I became human, all the angel issues would just disappear? I don't get why you don't want it as much as I do."

"I do want it and that's the problem. Do I wish you were human? Of course I do! But think about what that means. It means I want you to age and die and I want you to suffer illnesses and injuries and be vulnerable to every bullet, flame and spike in the whole world and in our world, there are a lot of bullets. Stay an angel. Stay safe."

"I don't want safety. I want to be human. Would you be an angel if you could?"

He knew he should lie, but something stopped him. "No, I wouldn't."

"No. You've always wanted to stay human, so there must be something going for it."

"We'll never agree on this, so let's talk about something else."

"Will you love me if I give up who I am for you?" she said.

"Who you are is an angel."

"No, it isn't. I don't think it ever was. And don't tell me God didn't make mistakes, because we both know, he screwed up over and over."

"True." he said.

"All I need from you is that you accept me as I am."

"I do, as you are now."

"As I am now is a future human. I will do it, Dean. I have to."

"Not because of me and not with any encouragement from me." he said.

"Then I'll do it alone, like I've done everything else from the dawn of time." she said, moving out of the bed and heading for the door. "Do you want me to go?"

"I never wanted anything less in my life, but if we have no hope of resolving this, maybe you should go. There are billions of other men out there."

"What do you want, Dean?" she said.

"You know what I want. I want you, here, with me, but we're in an impossible situation."

"Then Winchester up and solve it!" she said, "Isn't that what you do"

He got out of bed and went over to her. He gently took her hand. "Come back to bed." he said, "I don't know about the future. I don't know how to fix any of this, but tonight, we need each other."

"Do you love me?" she said.

He drew her into his arms and kissed her tenderly. "Yes, I love you." he said, "I never loved anyone like this."

She led the way back to the bed and they once more nestled together. He breathed in the scent of her and felt the gentle play of her breath on his skin. He knew it couldn't last, but he wanted it to. He wanted it with every scintilla of his soul.