Interpersonal communication is the archstone that holds any collective of organisms together. Empathy is why creatures band together and pool resources in the name of group survival. Conversation is a tool that early man created that can easily rival fire or the wheel in terms of "importance". Conversation, if you want to be a douchebag about it, is the weaponization of empathy.
But this weapon comes with some caveats:
Conversation only works if the other person is listening. Otherwise you might as well be talking to a brick wall.
How do you get the other person's attention? How do you convince someone to be convinced?
Lincoln has a lot of different ways to go about this.
Sometimes the best way to go into a conversation is to place your money on the fact that the other party is barely listening, you wear them out with little details until they are just barely listening and nodding along. All you need to do is casually slip in what you want done in the middle of the conversation, wait for a halfway affirmation, and continue with browbeating them.
Whenever Lincoln decides to go through this route he tries to make sure he has a recorder on his person, people usually forget what they agree to. Michigan is a one-party consent state, so as long as you're having your conversation in a "public" space you can wear a wire. Therein lies the problem in this situation: the house is technically private property, you could probably still get away with wearing a wire but it won't track in court.
Maybe not a civil court, but definitely not the Sibling Meeting Court. Which, to every Loud's opinion, holds precedence over any laws made by gods, schoolboards, or corporations.
After the case of 7,892 Rana clamitans melanoma V. Lisa Loud the Sibling Court ruled that any evidence brought forward that was collected within 1216 Franklin Avenue that was recorded without both parties consent was deemed "unlawfully collected" and "totally bogus". Lincoln and Lana thought they had the case in the bag with video evidence secured from Lisa's security cameras showing her develop Formula 342, a hormone blocker that curtailed frogs from reproducing that she blanketed Ketcham Park with 3 months back. This rendered the frog population homosexual.
There isn't anything wrong with being a homosexual frog, but it did effectively render the frog population of Woodland County sterile.
Looking back, Lincoln should've figured out ahead of time that the evidence was going to be used against him in some form or fashion. Lisa practically handed him the flash drive, he mistakenly thought this was Lisa playing into her hubris and blatant disregard for the sanctity and authority of the Sibling Meeting Court, but she was under direction of her advisor. Lola was representing Lisa as her legal aide and confidante in this particular case. By exploiting her sibling's predilection towards privacy Lola was able to turn the court case into a way to curtail the surveillance going on in the house. The whole thing was to Lola's benefit, less prying eyes for her various endeavors, but in this rare occasion it fell in line with everyone else's benefit as well.
Changes to the Bill of Loud Family Rights (that are helpfully laminated and placed on the kitchen fridge) must be done unanimously. Lola effectively strong-armed Lisa into an agreement, and a lone manila folder of unknown contents slipped to Luan made her fall in line as well. Lana was defiant, but ultimately agreed.
Lola executed policy that day with the precision of a brain surgeon and the authority of the lifeguard who gives you permission to go down the big slide at the water park.
Staring at his reflection in the bathroom, Lincoln could only help but wonder who she learned that from.
Lincoln can still remember Lana's face. Red with indignation. Eyes welling with tears of frustration at an unjust and unfair world. He almost wanted to disagree, just so Lana got a win.
He silently promised himself to never let Lana, or any of his sisters, make that face again as listening devices and hidden cctv cameras piled up on the curb outside the house. He was making that face still while Flip arrived in his truck that afternoon to take them all away. Flip wondered if Lincoln was constipated.
He was, but that was unrelated.
That was three months back, practically a lifetime away when you put it in the context of the breakneck pace of life in the loud house, but the echoes of that fateful day still linger.
And it kind of pissed Lincoln off because he was currently psyching himself up to convince Luna that he should get Lori and Leni's old room. He had to rethink how to go about things, can't rely on his tried and true methods of misdirection.
Luna, now a senior in highschool, is currently the eldest sibling in the household. Getting her support in "Operation Move Into Lori And Leni's Old Room Because I'm Going Through Puberty And Am A Big Boy Now So I Need A Bigger Room" is the first thing in his To-Do list for that day.
The second thing was thinking of a shorter name for that operation.
"HEY, STINCOLN, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!", a familiar voice bellowed from behind the locked bathroom door that he could barely hear over the thudding of fists on the weak wood. Lincoln recognized this as Lynn's voice and quickly undid the lock before she burst the door off the hinges. Again.
"Just, uh," Lincoln stammered out- he probably should've waited until she was done banging on the door, "OUCH! Jeez, Lynn, I'm just getting ready for something."
"Oof, sorry, bro…" Lynn sheepishly replied as Lincoln cradled his nose, after making sure he wasn't crying this time she dialed up a bit and regained some composure, "What the heck are you getting ready for? Like a date or something?"
Lincoln noted her incredulous eyebrow raise and gave a look of confusion in return.
"You've got, like, pomade or whatever in your hair," she laughed as she mussed up his hair in a noogie, after taking a sniff in the air she let out a gag, "And jeez, you smell like Pop-Pop. You aren't supposed to bathe in cologne, dude, a little bit goes a long way…" she shook her head and gave a smirk, "Listen, nothing gets a girl's heart racing like the smell of sweat, trust me, I'm like a total 10 and chicks like me love that mascu-"
"Eww, freakin' gross, Lynn! I'm just going to have a talk with Luna! Why do you have to make everything so ding dang weird all the time?", Lincoln complained as he broke out of Lynn's headlock, Lynn stood aghast as she grimaced in embarrassment while looking at him trying in vain to fix his alabaster turkey tail in the mirror.
Lynn quickly shook her head side to side in order to shake off her embarrassment, unluckily for Lincoln: it worked. "Listen, Lincoln," Lynn laughed, "You don't have to make excuses or anything, you're asking her for a ride right? A date? Lemme guess, Ron-"
"Okay, seriously, Lynn. Stop. I am uncomfortable." Lincoln sternly replied with a death glare. They both knew that things were kinda bad between Lincoln and Ronnie Anne at the moment.
Lynn actually felt kind of embarrassed about that one, maybe doubling down on her mistake wasn't the best idea. "Sorry, Linc," Lynn sheepishly replied, "But you are wearing your 'Date Cologne', and you seem like you are kinda dressed up for something special, you look good in leather, Bee Tee Dubs, a little big on you... But you'll grow into it."
There is nothing Lincoln likes more in this world than a compliment, and Lynn gave him one. A rare occurance from her. This lifted up his spirit enough for him to crack a conceited smirk into his reflection, "Thanks, Lynn," Lincoln replied, Lynn let loose a sigh of relief as the tension was broken, "I actually am trying to go for the whole 'Pop-Pop' angle thing, feel like that might be the best way to go about things. I'm trying to come off a bit more 'mature' than my usual self, hence the ol' Great-Grandpa Leopold's biker jacket and the geriatric smelling cologne. You see," Lincoln loves relishing in explaining his various plans, "I'm trying to convince Luna into giving me the okay into moving into Lori and Leni's old ro-"
"Waaaaaait, a sec', Stinkcoln," Lynn said with a laugh, "What makes you think you deserve having a room to yourself?"
Lincoln took a deep breath and gripped the sides of the sink. "Lynn…", her name sounding like a low moan from Lincoln's throat, Lynn couldn't help but roll her eyes. He was using his "Real Talk" voice: an affectation Lincoln only seems to use with her. She couldn't help but cringe in embarrassment over how similar he sounds like their dad whenever he pulls this, but honestly appreciates Lincoln opening up to her. She tried to shake off her embarrassment as he continued on.
"I have been living in a closet for years now. But don't get me wrong-" Lincoln did a quick pirouette and slammed his foot down in time to meet her at eye-level, "I enjoy having a space for myself, as small as it is. I guess some people might say that I should be lucky that I'm not sleeping in the streets, but the way things have been lately- sleeping outside seems like a pretty good alternative. Because," Lincoln took a step forward towards Lynn and gestured at his frame with fingerguns akimbo, "I am a big boy now. In fact, I think I have an inch on yo-"
Lynn's face grew a bit red in embarrassment, "Maybe a centimeter." she abruptly retorted. Lincoln gave her a blank stare and tilted his head, wondering if she was done so he could continue. She let out an exasperated sigh and twirled an index finger in the air to signify that he could continue.
"Listen," Lincoln sighed as he took a step closer to Lynn, she kind of wished she didn't close the door behind her- not out of fear but because Lincoln was still radiating heat from the shower and whatever hormones are currently making him act like a primadonna, "I understand that I am your little brother, The Number One Baby Boy of the house. But you, and everyone else, need to realize that me sleeping in that little room just simply isn't feasible…"
Lynn simply raised her eyebrows. Sure, yes. Lincoln is growing. Lucky for him. Real nice of him to rub that in her face. Lynn had to wait until she reached highschool to hit her growth spurt, and Lincoln at 13 already out-paced her. Lynn let loose a gust of hot air from her nostrils and tried to push away her immature jealousy, if Lincoln wanted to speak to her like an equal she figured she might as well try to act like a grown-up. After weighing his words in her head she gave him a reluctant nod.
Yeah, it is kinda messed up that he sleeps in a closet.
"I understand space is hard to come by in this house, and asking for a whole room just for myself seems kinda selfish at face value. But!-" Lincoln held an index finger in the air, "I am a growing boy. All kinds of hormones going on up in my business. A lot of questions that I doubt any of my sisters can answer." Lynn grimaced and opened her mouth, but Lincoln held up his hands to silence her.
"I am not, in any capacity, trying to undercut your… blooming maidenhood as something inferior to what I'm going through." Lynn's stomach turned at that sentence but was too stunned in embarrassment to cut Lincoln off, "Neither am I trying to say that my experiences in puberty are inherently different, it's all the same stuff. Just like… a different flavor."
Lincoln attempted to brush the pomade-weighted hair out of his eyes, only for a tuft to drop down and obscure his left eye. "It's like: I don't think any of our siblings want to deal with me as a roommate, and I don't really feel comfortable putting that burden on anyone else. You know how I'm like…"
Lynn nodded, Lincoln is pretty crazy most of the time. Sometimes he's pretty tame and sticks to himself and his nerd stuff, and other days he's running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to pull off some crazy hijinks and ropes everyone else in with him. But she couldn't help but open her mouth.
"You know," Lynn was already regretting this, "I don't think you're all that bad, Lincoln. I wouldn't mind sharing a room with you."
A silence fell upon the bathroom, Lincoln took a step back. He was a bit lost for words.
"That…" Lincoln chose his words carefully, "means a lot to me, Lynn. It really does. I wouldn't mind sharing a room with you either. But I need a room. Like an actual room. Not a closet."
"Yeah," Lynn sighed, "and I doubt you could fit in me and Lucy's room either. Unless you feel up to sleeping in a coffin..."
"Honestly, that sounds like a good alternative. I've been waking up with my muscles sore because I basically have to curl up into a ball to fit into my bed. Maybe sleeping upright will un-crungle my messed up back. I even tried installing a hammock, but after falling on my face for the third time I figured that was a no-go. Moving furniture around doesn't really work either, I even tried stacking my desk on top of my dresser to see if I could fit in a bigger bed. But I'm pretty sure that would collapse the floor into the kitchen over time...
"If this doesn't pan out I'm not entirely sure what the heck I'm supposed to do. I could try sleeping in the garage like Lori did that one time, but then where will the Moon Goats practice and Luan and Benny make out? I guess I could see about moving into the attic but we've got like 30 peoples worth of garbage up there. I'd have to pick up more shifts at the restaurant and rent out two storage units. I did the math and I'd be better off finding a room to rent or something. Sleeping on the couch is a no-go, I woke up one morning with a hairball on my chest and my homework shredded to bits. Cliff did not like that…"
Lynn Loud has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to whiners and complainers, but the authoritative tone in Lincoln's voice made him come off like some kind of army general discussing troop movements, a far cry to the bumbling kid he used to be. Like how he usually is lately when he gets obsessive about something, Lincoln is being serious and realistic about his situation. Perhaps a little too serious, in Lynn's opinion, him pacing around like a crazy person is kind of worrying her.
"Listen, you have my support in the next Sibling Council meeting," Lynn placed a hand on his shoulder, "you got served a raw deal, Stinkcoln. If the house doesn't feel like 'home' to you then I want to help. You don't need to move out or anything, I'm sure everyone would be fine with you taking that room."
Lincoln chuckled at that and gave her hand a squeeze before swatting it off of his shoulder, "Thanks again, sis. I doubt everyone will be as understanding as you, and honestly I'm ashamed to admit that I thought you'd just laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a crybaby. I guess for all my bluster about being a grown-up I should accept that you've grown up too."
Lynn slammed a fist into his shoulder and gave a smirk, "Okay, whatever," hiking her thumb to the door she continued, "now get the heck out of the bathroom. I've been holding in a one and two for like thirty minutes."
Lincoln gave a quick apology and scrambled out into the hallway.
Most creatures have very little control over their environment. They change and adapt to be better suited to whatever situation they find themselves in. Emotions are the outward response to that change.
Lincoln is a creature that doesn't really like change. But he also doesn't really like the current status quo. The combination of these two variables dueling in his stomach left him with acid reflux. And an emotion that wasn't unlike "ennui".
Lincoln had no idea what that word was. Instead he fumbled in the confines of his mind, trying to grope what little understanding he had of his current situation that floated listlessly behind his closed eyelids.
He heard the door lock behind him and felt himself sink onto the floor, the jingle jangle of zippers from the old jacket clinking and settling gave a preamble to the silence of the hallway.
With less people in the house there was less noise.
Everyone is home from school this Friday evening, but they are all up to things.
Lily was downstairs doing her impressionist finger paintings. Lisa is in a teleconference with her colleagues in her bunker. Lana is checking her rainwater barrels outside. Lola is trying to memorize her new parts in that TV show she's a reoccurring extra in. Lucy is working on a treatment of her screenplay. Lynn has the vents on full blast and is making boom-boom in the bathroom. Luan has a double date later on at that new Bev & Duster's arcade in Hazeltucky. Luna has band practice.
-So, it's not really that silent. But silent to Lincoln.
Too silent. The lack of poorly mixed distorted guitar and vocals indicated that the Moon Goats are not in the garage. Which is a problem because Lincoln is their manager. They must be getting lax because their new 7 track ep hit 5 million streams on dotify. Lincoln got a couple of their tracks on a series of Zoobaru car commercials, he is enjoying his cut of the royalties but not the Moon Goats newfound lack of discipline.
Lincoln's face contorted into a grimace. No. He probably shouldn't be bringing that energy to Luna if he's going to ask for something as big as his own room. Plus- he knows that the separation between "family" stuff and "band" stuff is an important linchpin to the overall health of their relationship. He'll just bring it up next time he gets them all in one room.
"Cheese and crackers, kiddo," a wooden sounding voice intoned, "you just left the bathroom and you already have to go? You need to learn to stay away from dairy, or at least eat more of those crackers."
Lincoln opened his eyes and was greeted with the sardonic visage of one Mr. Coconuts. He was dressed up in a smart grey blazer and blue turtleneck, a pink carnation adorned his lapel. Looks like he's looking to score tonight. Attached to Mr. Coconuts is Luan, but she's not important right now.
"What? Uh... No. Sorry, let me get out of your way," Lincoln didn't get up and opted to dodge roll to the side to let Mr. Coconuts, "I don't think I've eaten anything at all today, honestly. It's Lynnsagna today and I've been fasting to double down on that bad boy."
"Ha, better change into some waterproof pants because you are just fishing for trouble, my boy." Mr. Coconuts laughed, "But hey, a wise man makes his own problems... You got something else on your mind, Squirt? Your mug is looking extra ugly today, but that might just be your unfortunate proximity to your's truly." The puppet popped his collar to end his sentence with a flourish.
"Maaaaaan," Lincoln moaned in mock offense, "and here I am thinking I look good in the jacket. Tried doing one of those pompadours for that 'greaser' look, but my hair is way too thick for that. Guess I just look like hipster trash…"
"Hah, 'trash' might be going to hard on yourself, I'd use the term 'recyclable'," Mr. Coconuts chuckled, "But yeah… lookin' kinda sharp in comparison to your usual duds. Who you try'na to poke? Maybe that Stella girl? Got some kinda date going on or something?"
"What? A guy can't try to look good without an ulterior motive? I'm just trying to make myself more presentable is all!" Lincoln cried out with his hands in the air, he gets that everyone assumes he has nothing but poon on his mind with all the hormones but it's getting tiring, "I just need Luna to take me seriously for something. I figured maybe doctoring myself up a bit might trick her into thinking I'm something other than a snot-nosed brat…"
"Okay, I get ragging on yourself, I'm a world champion shadow-boxer myself, but Lun's ain't that shallow, Lightweight," Mr. Coconuts playfully slapped Lincoln on the cheek, "Listen, with a girl like her all you gotta do is shoot straight. Now, don't take this the hard way, but she's pretty easy. Just flash her some doe-eyes, butter her up with some compliments, and flash-fry her with a gift or something. Luckily for you, I heard she's got a thing for blondes, and hey! Lookat chu'! So dang blonde your mop is whiter than a KKK meeting, HEeeey YOooo!"
"Jeezus! That's pretty off-color," Lincoln coughed out in response, "c'mon, Coconuts, that's my sister! I'm not trying to, like, court her or something! I just need her support for something, if I go in with that kind of energy she'll immediately clue in that I'm just bugging her just to ask for something…"
"You're a pretty smart cookie, Loud, I'll give you that… So what's the score this time, Creamsicle? No, wait, let me guess-" Mr. Coconuts rubbed his temples in contemplation, "You want a ride in that European death trap of hers? Need her to chaperone for a date with one of your little girlfriends? She'd be a pretty good choice, doesn't meddle too much like her older sisters.
"Or maybe you're looking for her help using her talents? Need a backing track for one of your little 'presentations'? Maybe you need a song to woo a lady? I heard you got a nice voice yourself, Kiddo, but having a backing track might do you some wonders. Chicks dig a nice serenade… Your face is telling me it's something else, either that or you really do need to eat more fiber."
"Come on," Lincoln sighed in frustration, "Listen. I get it: I'm single. But I've got bigger things to worry about, Coconuts. The biggest thing, the thing that is literally keeping me up at night, is that I'm way too cooped up in my cramped cage of a room. I've been sleeping like total garbage because I've been falling out of my tiny napkin-sized joke of a bed every three hours! So, I'm kinda hoping that I could get Luna's to agree with my idea of moving into Lori and Leni's old room."
Mr. Coconuts held a cigar to his lips and cocked an eyebrow, "Say no more, my brother. I know just how it is to live in cramped living conditions. That ol' trunk of mine can get a bit stuffy, and don't get me started on my roomies. Those two crazy broads ain't got NO respect for a hardworkin' gent like me. Keeping me up to ungodly hours when all I want is my beauty sleep. Listen, good looks like mine don't come cheap…
"And neither does my support, Pipsqueak. You promise me to let me rent your venue out on Friday nights for poker night with DareBot and company and I'll throw my little porkpie in the pot. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. And do yourself a favor and get yourself a tetanus shot, cuz your boy here is getting a little rusty."
Lincoln's mood soared after hearing the "ok" from Mr. Coconuts, just the support he needed, or maybe he's finally lost it. He quickly took his wooden hand and shook it once, "Not a problem, Mr. Coconuts. Just save me a seat, I've always wanted to get a gambling addiction," Lincoln laughed.
"I'd ask if you got experience losing, but your losing streak with the ladies probably means you're an easy mark," Coconuts barked, "Me on the other hand? I'm feeling downright lucky! Got me a HOT date tonight, take a looksie," Mr. Coconut retrieved his billfold from his back pocket and revealed a collection of saucy polaroids of his girlfriend Mrs. Appleblossom, "Hehe, we got these boudoirs done last week… She's a real looker. You ever need me to set you up with a date, don't be afraid to holler, I know some girls. Feel kinda bad just seeing you on your lonesome, not in like a 'pity' kinda way, more like you really bum me out, Kid. Your face is slightly easier to stomach with a smile."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. If I develop a fetish for baseball bats or wooden chairs, you'll be the first to know," Lincoln replied, Coconuts flashed a thumbs up and was promptly shoved into a comically small yellow purse.
Lincoln got up from his place on the floor, dragging his head on the wall on his way up. Breathing out a lengthy sigh and stretching he was face to face with Luan. He almost forgot she was there- not that she has a small presence or anything, but because if Luan wants to talk through Mr. Coconuts then Lincoln will talk to Mr. Coconuts. He doesn't really have time for Luan's 3rd degree.
She looked "nice", in a neutered sterile kind of way: a black turtleneck sweater and a muted yellow skirt that ended after her knees. It's a little bit warm for the sweater, but they keep the AC near freezing at B&D's to curtail the propagation of mold and bacteria on the greasy arcade cabinets.
"Heya, Lincoln…" Luan sheepishly replied, "Thanks for playing along again with Mr. Coconuts... I'm kinda nervous about tonight, it's me and Benny's 1 year anniversary and it's a double date with his parents. It's not that like they're hard to handle or anything, they'renicepeopleandall, it's just that I kindafeelabithighstrung whenever I have to interact with them…"
Lincoln pursed his lips and nodded his head. She did seem a bit high strung, you'd think after a year of dating she'd get over whatever beef she has with Benny's parents. But, this is news to Lincoln. "This is news to me, Luan," Lincoln admitted to Luan as he revealed that it was news to him, "I had no idea that Benny's parents were a point of contention in your relationship. Is it just, like, a power imbalance thing? Are you trying to impress them, or something?"
Luan fidgeted and reached for her purse, a wooden hand emerged and slapped it away, with a sigh she continued, "Kinda… it's more like IfeelasthoughIhavetobe on my best behavior," she took a breath and tried to calm down, "I'm kinda… hard to handle. And it's not like I'm afraid they're gonna 'disown' me or something, I just want them to like me, is all."
Luan's movements didn't go unnoticed by Lincoln, "So is Mr. Coconuts like your 'support puppet' or something? Like some kind of safety blanket whenever you get anxious?" Lincoln asked with a cocked eyebrow.
Luan took three steps back and grimaced like her brother just threw a haymaker, "Ouch, yeah. Jeez, Linc. Have some tact, I'm kind of sensitive right now…"
Lincoln threw up his hands, "No, I didn't mean it in a mean way or anything. We all deal with things in different ways. I was just putting pieces together, is all! Just- I want you to know that if something is on your mind you can just come at me for support, anytime. You've got my number."
Luan regained some composure and wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead before it ruined her eyeshadow, "Th-thanks, Linc. I appreciate it… I just find like romance kinda hard to talk about sometimes."
"You and me both, sis," Lincoln laughed, "Listen: I think who you are as a person is fine enough as it is, you don't have to jump through hoops to impress anyone. But, hey: I'm not going to knock you for putting on airs when having to interact with other people. I'd be kind of a hypocrite if I did that. Sometimes you have to put on masks and pretend to be someone else, just don't lose sight of who you are on the inside. If not for you, then for Benny. That guy fell for you, not whatever the heck this," Lincoln gestured his hands to Luan's sterile outfit, "but you make it look good, so I don't see the harm in it."
"Thanks, Linc. I think…" Luan sputtered out, "Speaking of 'outfits', what's with the getup? Are you starting a rockabilly band or something? Things finally fall through with that Jordan girl?"
Lincoln opened his mouth to inform her that she knows dang well why he's dressed like that and promptly closed it when he saw that she was being genuine. "Uh..." Lincoln mulled over what he should say before settling on just getting to the point, "I want to move into Lori and Leni's old room because I am a big boy now and am pretty tired of living in a closet, so I'm hoping I can talk with Luna to convince her to take my side on the aibling council."
Luan raised her eyebrows and whistled, "Hmmm, well I guess it is kind of weird that she didn't immediately swipe up the room as soon as Leni moved out. So she's probably content with bunking for me for the time being. Still- kind of a big favor. Either way, I figure handing you the keys is a pretty good idea. You are getting pretty big."
"Thanks, Luan. I guess the only thing keeping me from asking is the off-chance that she'll say 'no'. I mean, as the eldest she kind of gets first dibs."
"Well, if she turns you down and swipes up the room you can always bunk with Mr. Coconuts and I. Just, uh, if I have Benny over make sure you kn-"
Lincoln stopped her with a single jazzhand, "Okay. Thanks, Luan. Grossness aside, that's real nice of you. I might try that out, worst case scenario I throw myself into military school or something."
"Military school?!" Luan eyebrows shot up, after ascertaining that he isn't joking she continued, "Wow, that's pretty hardcore, Linc. Things must be pretty dire. Listen, if she says 'no' just let me know and we can work some way out to convince her. I love her and all, but she can be stubborn and selfish about the stupidest of things…"
Lincoln knew how Luan "convinced" people, not a whole lot of words. She usually uses imported itching powder and glass shards in sandwiches, but if a little internal bleeding can increase Lincoln's average sleep time from 3 hours to at least 6: so be it. "Let's hope she's in an agreeable mood, no practice today. So I assume she's doing some solo-practicing?"
"No," Luan shook her head, "She's kind of in a mood, don't know why and don't really care. I'm kinda too much of a nervous wreck right now to play 'helpful sister'. She was facedown on the floor when I left her, didn't even say a word. But you know how 'artistic' types are."
Lincoln looked at Luan and nodded his head, "I am aware," Lincoln quickly pulled up his phone, "Nothing on her instagrim, or on rustlr…" Lincoln's face darkened, "Oh. Oh shit. OH FUCK!"
"Lincoln! Language!", cried out a chorus of voices from downstairs.
Luan broke out in a cold sweat, Lincoln NEVER cusses. She really didn't want to know, but her question still fell out of her mouth.
"What?"
Lincoln held up a shaking phone to Luan's face. Time seemed to slow down as Luan processed the three simple words on Luna's friendbook profile:
"Relationship status: Single"
All matter exists in a state of entropy. You can think of it as the totality of outside forces all working together to disrupt the status quo of a singular object. You'd probably be wrong, though. It works both ways: every single thing is simultaneously messing with everything messing with it. What goes around comes around, and all that. You'd still be terribly regressive, but only nerds care about stuff like this that hard.
Chaos is something that is just as constant as constance itself. Change, if you want to be a douchebag about it, is status quo.
This is readily apparent in the Loud household.
Luna Loud was single for a good 15 years of her life. This changed 2 years ago and she got a girlfriend. Today, however, she lost a girlfriend and is back to being single. You can either look at this as a "change" or a return to the status quo.
It just kinda depends on how you look at things.
Lincoln doesn't really care about "entropy", and really only knows the word from Star Grouper fanfiction. He isn't entirely sure what it means, but it sounds cool. He does know what the word "single" means, and what it's like to have no girlfriend.
Because he is single.
This is a commonality he shares with Leni and Lynn, his two sisters that could feasibly go out on dates without it being weird. Lucy could get a boyfriend, but it'd be weird for a 10 year old to date. Like, what are you going to do? Hold hands? Lame.
The environment that Lincoln found himself in was changing. This upset him so much he made a cuss. He readily adapted to a world in which Luna and Sam were an item, and now they are no longer together. This has pretty negative implications towards not just his attempted move, but the whole social ecosystem of the house.
Lori and Bobby have had "fights" before while she was in the household, those alone were enough to light the fuses of everyone around her. At first, everyone was on edge trying hard to tip-toe around her horrible mood. But as things progressed, everyone in the household got infected with her sourness and it was a free for all in terms of "airing it all out".
As for whether or not the untethered tensions let loose that time were the result of bottled up resentment over the years: there is really no way of knowing. Mob mentality is a pretty dangerous drug.
After the debacle was cleared up and everyone forgave each other and passed out hugs: the Loud family agreed to never speak of it again. The only thing Lincoln can clearly remember is the smell of burning hair after he spiked Leni's conditioner with extra heavy bleach, the feeling of getting a piece of his scalp pulled out from a hair tug from Lucy, and signing Lola's cast after he cut the brakes of her jeep.
He can remember a lot of other things too, but would rather not.
"So… she was quiet? Not screaming with rage or anything?" Lincoln asked Luan, his voice was calm.
"N-no, she didn't even say a word… cheese and crackers, Linc…" Luan said, still shaken, "What should I do?"
"You're not her keeper, she's a big girl. I know she's your roommate, but she isn't your 'responsibility'... But her being completely silent is a bit worrying, was she listening to music or anything?"
"She was just face down on the floor, no mp3 player, nothing blasting from her speakers. Just silent… I could read the room so I didn't say anything besides a quick 'hello'..."
Lincoln took a glance at Sam's various social media accounts and nothing has been updated since her change of relationship status. He shoved his phone in his jacket pocket after setting his phone to alert him to any notifications from both Luna and Sam's accounts.
"I don't blame you, that sounds like a pretty icky vibe. Now, looking back at relationship problems and how they affected the house with Lor-"
Luan grimaced, "Yeah… it was a real looney bin. I think the cops stopped showing up after the third visit."
"I certainly don't want a repeat of that, neither does anyone else here. Part of me wants to just bust down her door and try to cheer her up, but I think she might need space. What do you think?"
"Jeez, Linc," Luan stared down at her shoes and sighed, "I really don't know, I was kindabuggingaboutthewholedate thing and now this? My head just sounds like static right now, sorry…"
"Hey," Lincoln placed his hand on her shoulder, "Don't let this get to you, just try to enjoy your date. I know it's probably hard to shake, this is a pretty big deal. Maybe let Benny know? I'm not going to tell you to cancel or anything, but just try to have a good time. Because I'm sure as heck there isn't going to be any good times here."
"I- I don't know, I feel like I should be here…" Luan reached for her purse to reach for a certain wooden puppet and Lincoln slapped her hand out of the way, "Okay, yeah, I guess as the only non-single gal still in the house I should probably dip…"
Lincoln wouldn't say that he was a "fan" of Mr. Coconuts, not many people would, but he knew that him making an appearance might be the element that tips things over. He let out a sigh of relief now that that particular loose end was snipped.
Lincoln went up and banged on the bathroom door, "YOU EITHER WIPE AND GET OFF THE POT OR I'M GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU, LYNN, LUAN HAS TO GET READY FOR HER DATE!"
A muffled screech bellowed out from behind the door, "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'M JUST WAAAASHING MY HAAAANDS, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A DICK, STINKCOLN!"
"But seriously, Luan," Lincoln gave a warm smile to Luan, "Have fun on your anniversary, I'm sincerely glad you and Benny found each oth-"
Lincoln was interrupted by the bathroom doorknob hitting him in the stomach and collapsed on the floor.
"Ha, you really know how to lift a girl's spirits, Lincoln," Luan giggled as she traded places with Lynn, "Love me some slapstick!"
Lincoln groaned and lifted a thumb into the air. Wood flooring isn't entirely comfortable, but it's a more appealing alternative to the piss-stained carpet of the living room. Lincoln slipped his hands behind his head and contemplated the ceiling. The hallway light needed its bulb changed and its glass enclosure cleaned out, a good inch of dessicated bug carcasses cast an orange umbra on his face. Lincoln grimaced and turned to his side.
The sound of Lynn and Lucy's doorknob being turned was interrupted, "Lynn.", his voice seemed to sag as the adrenaline rush was wearing off.
"Whaaat?" Lynn groaned, she let go of the knob and stared into the door.
"Hey Lynn."
"What. Do. You. Want?" Lynn stomped her feet to turn as she saw Lincoln holding up his phone.
"Check this out," Lincoln calmly stated as he aimed a fingergun at his cracked screen.
Lynn mumbled a myriad of curses underneath her breath as she stomped over to snatch Lincoln's phone away. "Okay? Luna's friendbook what's the bi-", her words caught in her mouth when she figured out the big deal.
"That's the big deal."
"Sh-shoot, wow. All I can say at this moment is-", with one fluid movement she dropped Lincoln's phone and slammed an index finger to her nose, "NOT IT!"
Lincoln fumbled the falling phone and it fell on his face, "Ouch," he grimaced, "And wow, Lynn. But I guess that's pretty typical of you."
Lynn held up her hands defensively and looked down on Lincoln, "Listen, we both know romance isn't my strong suit. If I get handed the wheel with this one I'd probably just kick in her door and slap her around till she feels better."
"Okay, fair. But also: you know that wouldn't make her feel better, right?"
"Maybe," Lynn shrugged his question off, "but it'd at least make me feel better. Okay, could you get up? This is hurting my neck."
Lincoln pocketed his phone and rolled onto his back, "No."
Lynn rolled her eyes and sighed as she sat down against the wall to join him, "Alright, so who knows so far?"
"Luna, Sam, Luan, me and now you. Luan told me she was silent and face down on the carpet in her room."
"Figures…" Lynn snickered.
"What?"
"You know… carpet? Face down? C'mon dude, I've seen your search history."
"I don't know what your impl-" Lincoln stopped as he figured out what Lynn was implying, "Okay. Gross. Also: quit using my laptop for whatever it is your doing."
"I don't know what you're talking about-", Lynn quickly changed the subject, "Anyways, with Luan out of the picture and me not taking the reins, you'll be taking the brunt of this. No pressure, but I don't want a repeat of Lori and Bobby's relationship troubles. So, if you need my help: let me know. But don't expect me to, like, wipe her snotty nose and listen to her complain- not because I don't want to be there for her. I'd probably end up karate chopping her neck out of habit."
Lynn isn't the most romantic person. Lincoln knew this and was okay with it. He wasn't exactly a girl guru himself either. With Luan being indefinitely out of the picture and Lynn being out of her element, Lincoln was left on his own to try and figure out how to manage damage control.
With a sigh he turned and faced Lynn, "Alright," Lincoln checked his watch, "5:30 right now, dinner at 7. Go round up the girls for an emergency meeting at 6 in Lori and Leni's room. I'll go check on Luna now."
"Oh, snap," Lynn's eyebrow raised, "Dude, the room! I don't think now is the best time to ask Lu-"
"Listen, I have some tact-" Lynn clicked her tongue at that, "Okay, fine. I have tact, SOMETIMES. Now is one of those times. I'm just going to check up on her."
"You sure you don't want to check with everyone else first? Figure out a plan?"
Lincoln sighed, "Luna isn't an 'obstacle' to be overcome or conquer, she's a person. I figure I should go about this with a more 'personal' kind of touch with her, feel her out."
"Okay," Lynn nodded and got up, "And Lincoln?"
"Yeah?"
"You should really think about showering again. I'm preeety sure whatever cologne you have on has expired. You smell like one of Lisa's experiments and Lucy's preserved pig fetus had a baby. Like a really stinky baby."
Lincoln listened to her scamper off as he watched tiny movements in the hallway light fixture rustle up the insect corpse pile on the ceiling.
It is a commonly held belief that time heals all wounds. While technically half-true, it neglects to address the fact that time causes all wounds. Well, time and the sides of freezer pops.
Much like the razor-sharp plastic edges of freezer pops: time can only hurt you if you put your mouth on it.
Just close your mouth and stop breathing and you'll stop getting wounds nice and easy.
This isn't really an option for Lincoln Loud at this moment. Not because he is afraid of dying: Lisa's timeline diagnostic machine told him he had a good 70 years left until heart disease gets to him. He'd stop drinking energy drinks and eating freezer pops to add another good 10 years on the timer, but he just can't seem to kick the habit.
He has the erroneous idea that the date Lisa's machine gave him was a guarantee, so he thinks he's immortal by causality. He isn't a "daredevil" by any means, and likes to play things safe, he just isn't afraid of death as much as he used to be.
Dying isn't an option because (in his mind) it isn't on the menu.
Still, he found himself holding his breath.
An odd pressure emanated from Luna's closed door, Lincoln could almost see the stink-lines of bad vibes that seemed to burn his eyelashes.
He was already bummed out just by standing there.
Two small ding!'s from his cellphone caused him to jump a good foot in the air. Roused from his hesitancy he took a look at the notifications and quickly tapped the screen, some asshole liked Luna and Sam's relationship status update. Lincoln groaned and took a look at what thirsty blowhard or drama-hungry douchebag would do something like that.
Lincoln stared dumbfoundedly as he read "Relationship Status: Single (Liked by Leni Loud)". He shook his head as he put his phone back into his jacket, that's in-character for Leni. But not entirely helpful.
Lincoln heard the telltale rumble of a phone set on "vibrate" going off behind the closed door, not taking any chances he took a deep breath and entered the room.
Luna was in the middle of the room facedown on the floor, just as Luan described. His eyes adjusted to the relative darkness of the room and he let loose a breath of relief as he saw her chest rise and fall. She was still breathing.
That's a start, Lincoln thought.
The curtains were partway open, still letting some light in the room through the gaps of closed blinds. Lincoln closed the door behind him and walked over to silently shut the curtains.
Lincoln looked at Luna's spread-eagle form, no signs of response were given. He stood with his arms to his side, he opened his mouth to say something, but forgot what it was.
Lincoln walked over to one of Luna's guitar amps, trying his hardest not to trip over exposed wires or bicycle horns lying about. Finally making his way over without any noise he fidgeted on the hard plastic and put one leg over the other, and heard his fingers drumming unconsciously on his kneecaps. The sudden sound caused his heart to race and he stopped his movements and looked over to Luna.
Still no response. He could hear ragged breathing, a patch of dark carpet around her head indicated that she either was drooling a bunch or crying.
Lincoln opened his mouth, only to close it again.
He wasn't uncomfortable or anything, and he hoped she felt the same way too. Silence offers a nice retreat to the usual astronomically high decibel output of 1216 Avenue, you take it when you can get it. He felt as though someone slammed the snooze button on the world outside the door, and it was just him and Luna for the time being.
"Full disclosure," Lincoln winced at the sound of his own voice, "I thought about giving you some space."
With how silent the room was he might as well yelled that sentence. Lincoln shifted his leg down and placed his hands on his knees and stared down at his shoes in embarrassment.
"I'm not going to pretend like I understand what you're going through. And I'm not going to ask you how you feel," Lincoln's voice was faltering, "I know it's just words. From my mouth. Bu-"
Lincoln thought he saw a shuffle of movement in the periphery and his head shot up, only to see Luna in the same exact position.
"But… If you need me for anything, don't bother asking-" Lincoln announced as he got up and made towards the door, "Just take it. You don't have to use words."
Lincoln felt his head clear as he touched the knob, "Not because you're my sister, or some kind of 'obligation'. But because you mean a lot to me, Luna. I love you."
Lincoln took a deep breath and opened the door and stepped into the hallway. He chanced a look at his elder sister's crumpled body in the vain hope that she moved at all. Lincoln quickly shut his eyes with a grimace and slowly closed the door.
Just as the door was almost closed he heard a weak voice, almost a whisper:
"Thank you."
It took him a moment to process what that was after he shut the door and let go of the knob. He rattled out a tired groan and felt himself almost fall. Luckily, he caught himself, and braced himself against the door. With a low thud he pressed his head to the wood and felt his own ragged breaths blow back on his face.
"Lincoln," A monotone voice intoned, "a moment of your time."
"Yes, Lucy?" Lincoln's eyes shot open, the sudden noise giving him his second wind.
"Do you recall the code to get into Lori and Leni's old room?" Lucy asked.
"No, I forgot… let me call Lori."
"I tried '0666' but it locked me out…"
Lincoln pressed '1' on his phone and it immediately started dialing up his eldest sister, "Why?"
"I believe it locked me out because it was the wrong number."
"No," Lincoln squinted at the 10 year old goth, "Why did you think that would be the number?"
Lucy shrugged.