Middle School is regarded by many thin-skinned introverted types as the worst time of a young person's life. Your hormones are kicking in. Your teachers start actually grading your homework. You can't throw rocks at cars because you're not cute enough to get away with it anymore. And worst of all: your parents just don't understaaaaand.

Middle School isn't really that big of a deal when you compare it to the soul-crushing void that is adulthood, but when you're 13 years old it's kind of hard to put things into context. It's also hard to put things into context when you are older, but that's more telling of your memories slipping into non-existence because the creeping realization that all joys in life are fleeting is starting to take root in the back of your mind. This is the cold hard truth, but don't expect to be coming home with any metaphorical hot babes when you bring that to the metaphorical beer pong table at the metaphorical party.

Lincoln doesn't know what a "beer pong table" is and if you asked him to take a guess he'd probably say it's some kind of special table with a hidden built in bottle-opener, he would guess that the "pong" part of the name is onomatopoeia for the sound of the bottle being opened. He would then go on to tell you that he assumes that it's some kind of "folk" furniture that probably became popular during prohibition because having bottle openers lying around might get the "coppers" on your "keister". His embarrassing alliteration aside: it's a pretty interesting and inspired assumption.

As for Lincoln Loud's Middle School Life: it was halfway decent. It's ending this coming Monday, but he had a pretty good run. Middle School 7th and 8th grade class president. Led an initiative to ban the sale of counterfeit trading cards. Action News Squad had a segment that would run once a month on the local news covering the ins and outs of school life. He helped raise funding to add a new wing to the library. He even got the faculty to fix the handicapped stall in the C Hall boys bathroom.

It didn't lock correctly.

Sure. He had to lie, scheme, plan behind locked doors, blackmail, burn bridges, compromise his already almost nonexistent morals, beg on his knees, brown-nose, backstab, fix burnt bridges, cheat, manipulate, and burn bridges again. But he did it all because he cared. He cares about his friends. And he cares about his family. He has 5 little sisters who will be attending Royal Woods Middle School, he was determined to leave it a better place than how he entered it.

He succeeded, but whether or not he will leave Middle School a worse person is up to your own personal opinion.

As for Lincoln's love life (or lack thereof) in Middle School: he had a perfect batting average.

By never getting up to the (metaphorical) plate. (He did step up on the inauguration of the new softball field he helped get funding for [he hit a double]).

He has a multitude of reasons to not want to date, and this number is increasing exponentially as events unfold. But the glimmerings he has been doomed to stumbled upon this Friday evening have all lead to a single conclusion:

Dating was inevitable.

In his mind he visualized this inevitability as a bullet slowly being loaded into a revolver, his eyes darted back and forth at the sounds of glasses clinking and could swear he could hear the chamber spin, Lily waddled up to snatch up his dirty plate and the screech of silverware rolling down a dish was like a hammer being pulled back…

"Are you okay, Lincoln?" Click.

"Uh, I think he's just tired, Lily, thanks for being a good girl or whatever and doing your chores… Anyways, Dexter was kinda cool. He liked Japanese stuff, like comic books and cartoons from Japan. He's smart, and actually placed #1 in student rankings. He sounds like a total dweeb- but he's actually funny and does follow some sports…" Click.

"Hmm. Interesting, he sounds like quite the catch. You seem to like him- like him as a person. Why didn't things work out between the two of you?" Click.

"Sure, he is a decent person… But there wasn't a spark or something… I didn't really feel any different, like emotionally or whatever, when I was with him. But honestly: I don't really know for certain what that is like for me. But I guess it was kinda cool to hang out with him, and I wish we could've tried to stay friends afterwards. But that'd be kinda awkward for me, like hanging out with a reminder of when I tried to be someone I wasn't…" Click.

"Well, kudos on you for not trying to force yourself into doing something you were uncomfortable with. I suppose if I were in your shoes I would be a bit hesitant on breaking it off, I- Sigh, I have problems with head-on confrontations. I suppose I should work on this, face things with gusto like you, instead of taking the roundabout way. I just find it a bit hard." Click.

"Stinkcoln, ar- DUDE, what's wrong!?"

Silence.

Lincoln's lungs screamed for air and found himself gripping his knees so hard it hurt. He quickly gulped in a breath and his head cleared, only for him to be aware enough that he was tensing every muscle in his body. He slowly relaxed his body and sat up right, but slowly fell down on the table with a thud. A few moments of silence passed before Lucy tentatively reached out to pat his back, only for Lincoln to shoot up and Lucy to tip over her chair in fright.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?", Lincoln was coherent again and looked at his shaking hands, all his five senses were in overdrive and an almost unbearable amount of sensations fought in his head for dominance, "Did Lisa slip something in my drink? Was the broccoli left in the freezer too long or somethi- Oh, Jeezus, wha- should we call poison control? Do I induce vom-"

"You just had an anxiety attack, Lincoln…" Lucy calmly spoke to the ceiling, "Please calm down."

Lincoln took his finger out of his mouth right before it made contact with his uvula, "Panic attack?" Lincoln blinked in confusion, "Wh-what? That's Clyde thing, not mine… Y- you sure?"

"Yes, dear brother, a panic attack. Possibly caused by the culmination of all the stressors you have been besieged by in the last couple of hours, " Lisa attempted to placate her brother with a soft tone of voice, Darcy shook a box of Psyche and Tyche's candies and Lisa took a handful to munch on while she enjoyed his little show, "Simply calm your breathing and realize you are among loved ones. No harm will befall upon you. Also- negative, I did not slip anything into your food or drink."

"Ha! Almost makes me nostalgic for Leni's old anxiety attacks from when she was in charge!" Lola giggled as she sipped from her teacup, her voice grew weary, "But it kiiiinda makes me feel bad thinking about how mean we were to her sometimes."

"You know," Lana crushed her now empty soda can on her forehead before continuing, "I had a suspicion that maybe you were exploiting Luna's whole 'deal' right now to get the edge on Lori and Leni's old room, but I can clearly see that the situation is getting to you. You're not using Luna as some kind of 'master of manipulation' tactic. I guess I should apologize for doubting you, sorry, bro…"

"Yeowch," Lincoln grimaced and sighed, "That's kind of harsh, Lana. But I guess I've got only myself to blame. I was going to say I go by 'master of convincing', but maybe what you called me is more… correct."

Lynn quickly grabbed Lincoln and pressed her knuckles hard against his scalp, he closed his eyes and braced for the pain. "... Dude. Quit it." Lynn relaxed her grip and gave him a light sock on the shoulder, "Sorry, my instincts make me wanna just piledrive you into the floor- Whining and feeling down about yourself isn't gonna get you anywhere, Linc'... If you don't want to be that person anymore: then stop."

Lynn went over to lend Lucy a hand because she was still lying on the floor. "Groan." Lucy groaned as she was helped up, "Lincoln. What is really going on?"

"Yeah, Bro," Lily walked in from the kitchen and pulled off a wet pair of dishwashing gloves, "You're crazy, but you usually aren't this crazy."

Lincoln wiped speckles of dish soap bubbles from his face, "Uh…" He usually keeps his emotions to himself, but felt like backpedaling will only get them on his case harder, "I guess I'm kinda… afraid of dating?"

"Well, that much is obvious…" Lola sighed, "But to think it would get you to freak out like that? This is the kind of thing you shoul-," Lola gagged, "you shou- bleh… you should talk about."

While Lola does have a penchant for juicy gossip and romance she doesn't really like talking about feelings all that much, Lincoln knew this. Unless the aforementioned feeling is "revenge": then she's all for it. Still, she couldn't stand by and let her only brother suffer like this alone.

"You could just try taking the word 'dating' out of the equation and simply rationalize it as 'fraternizing with the opposite sex with romantic implications'," Lisa sighed at a grimace from Lincoln, "Okay, I understand that the underlying implications of romance are a bit uncomfortable, but you need to keep Lacey St. Claire's advice in mind: it is a good idea to gain new experiences. Not just for your own social wellbeing, but to make you a more rounded individual with more facets and common experiences to better understand individuals."

"Yes, that is all well and good. But I just-" Lincoln's face screwed up in confusion, he couldn't find the exact words to say to convey his thoughts but finally settled on a statement, "I feel like I'd be a bad boyfriend. I'm always busy with family stuff and school… I just don't have a lot of time to devote to a relationship."

Lynn let out a tiny wheezey chuckle, "Dude… Dating isn't like a job or something. You don't gotta like clock in and out and put the hours in…"

"And plus, if any chick wants to hook up with Lincoln she'd probably know about how much family means to him already." Lana laughed, "Like he immediately introduces himself all: Heya! Golly-gee willakers! My name is Lincoln Loud and I have got 10 sisters, preeeeetty craaaazy, huh?"

"D- do I sound like that?" Lincoln squinted his eyes in horror, "Do I say 'golly-gee willakers'?"

"No, dude," Lana rolled her eyes, "It was a joke. Chill. But you do talk about us like all the time, I can't walk into Flip's without some jabroni bein' all 'Whoa hey! You're one of Lincoln's sisters? Lana right? The twin who smells?'"

"Well, maybe if you showered more they would be thrown off your musty trail…" Lola snickered.

"Lana smells just fine." Lacey St. Claire reached over and pawed Lana's raised fist down, she then turned her attention over to Lincoln, "Young man, I understand that you may feel overshadowed by your sister's vibrant personalities- The leather jacket does have a tinge of overcompensating desperation. But I assure you, as an objective third party, that you do just fine by yourself."

"Uh, thanks, um…" Lincoln wished they would start handing out nametags whenever his sister's brought guests over, "Lacey San Diego?"

Lacey St. Claire broke out in laughter, "Lacey St. Claire, please write this down, Lincoln. I wouldn't want you to make a fool of yourself on my behalf."

Lincoln nodded his head and took his walletpen out to jot down a note in a mini spiral notebook:

Lacey St. Claire: Lana's Friend

Basically Lola but nicer(?)

"Uh, any food allergies? And could I get your home phone number and address in case of an emergency?" Lincoln looked at his watch, "Lana is she going to be spending the night with you three? You better ask for permission now before it gets too late, curfew is almost up."

Lana nervously looked at a smiling Lacey and quickly looked down in embarrassment, "D- did you want to spend the night with me and Lola and Meli? It'll be a little cramped with all four of us but we can make it work…"

Lacey St. Claire replied while furiously tapping on her phone, "Why, yes! I am dialing my mother as we speak." Lacey St. Claire has never had a slumber party before, so she was pretty excited.

Lana took Lacey St. Claire by the arm to the living room to go ask their parents for permission.

Lincoln brought his voice to a whisper and beckoned Lucy and Lynn closer, "So Lacey is basic-"

"Like a nice Lola." Lynn stated, not bothering with lowering her voice.

"Quite." Lucy pushed in her chair and leaned against the table, "But a bit different, there is no… the word escapes me."

"Maybe 'nuance'?" Lincoln wondered aloud, "Or maybe it's the other way arou-"

"Okay, okay," Lola groaned as Meli giggled, "She is basically 'try-hard' me but in a cheaper outfit and bad hair. A bad knock-off."

"I thought she was nice- and I'm glad that Lana got a new friend!" Meli held her fist in the air and nodded her head, she grew embarrassed after her outburst turned heads, "Oh, a- and Lincoln? I asked Cici if I could give you her number and she said 'yes' after I told her it was to ask some questions…"

"Oh, cool." Lincoln brought up his phone to add her number and noticed he had a friend request from one Cici Ramirez, he added her. Lynn snickered and elbowed Lucy, Lucy shook her head and gave a tiny smirk.

"Oh, come on, guys," their movements did not go unnoticed by Lincoln, "I don't even think I've ever had a conversation with her…"

"Hey! Well there you go!" Lynn laughed, "She doesn't know how crazy you are."

Lola pursed her lips and nodded her head mockingly, "Why, now that is the perfect angle. We just need to set up Lincoln with girls who don't know him." Lola turned to her friend, "Meli, we need to get a phonebook- let's try Minnesota first, and if that doesn't work maybe we can try a Canadian phonebook…"

"Lincoln is banned from Canada, dear sister," Lisa snickered and played along with the joke, "Perhaps I can build an android with a penchant for 'white-haired worrywarts'. Tee-hee, I jest."

Lincoln would be upset but he quickly realized that Luna and Sam broke up and the police haven't been called once. He took their jokes with a wide smile.

"Nah, Lis' how about you give me some kind of teleportation device and I'll give Link-" Lincoln was promptly cut off.

"Absolutely not." Lisa replied sternly.

Lincoln checked his phone and typed up a message, and got the same message back as soon as he pressed "send":

Ding dang it.

"Wait, why not? I just wanna hang, finally kick her butt in Muscle Fish. Have-" Lincoln was cut off again, but this time by the dulcet tones of a midi rendition of I Was Made For Likin' You by S.M.O.O.C.H., "Okay, I gotta change this ringtone…"

Lincoln was about to deny the call- he was supposed to be checking up on Luna right now, but then he read the words on his cracked screen:

Incoming call:

Ronnie Anne Santiago

"Golly-gee willakers! Oh-" Lincoln caught himself and yelled over his shoulder, "DING DANG IT, LANA, YOU GOT ME SAYING IT NOW!"

"Bullets through the atmosphere

Here they come"

Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love by They Might Be Giants

I always kinda wondered how some of these fics can be like a million words but I guess if you keep on adding to it, it'll get up there. I'm going to try to give you an update per day. Unless if there is a long chapter I need to break up into a lot of scenes: then I won't.

Look who showed up! It's everyone's favorite character: Ronnie Anne! You guys like her right? I am not really sure if people like her, but she does have her own show. So maybe that's a good indication. Oh, and I had loads of fun writing that dinner scene. I remember in English Class my teacher telling me that you could tell how good a work of fiction is by the dinner scenes. As you can tell: my writing is like total dog shit. No wonder I'm writing fanfiction. Maybe I shoulda payed more attention in class instead of listening to really bad music on my zune.

If there are any characters you'd like to see more of (or see at all): yell at me in the comments. I was thinking about having some scenes through the perspective of other characters, but kinda want to keep this fic focused on Lincoln. Characters that will show up are as follows: Girl Jordan, every one of Lincoln's friends, fan favorite Chandler (it'll be fun I promise), Maybe Taylor(?), I might throw in a Maggie if you promise to be on good behavior, Bobby, the rest of the Casa family, RA's friend group, Frank the limo driver, Lord Tetherby, Kotaro, Grant, Carol, Mazzy and Sully, Flip, Mr. Grouse, Uhhhhhhhhhh Richie, Penelope, Chloe, Emma, Molly, Trent, Trent Reznor, local real estate agent Kevin Sullivan, and YOU(!). Whoa dude step back you are getting sucked into the fanfiction bro noooo dude you are now in the NeedlesslyMetaverse watch out the author is gonna try to make you "multi-faceted" but just make a disjointed mess of half-baked ideaaaas oh nooooo.

But yeah, every character shown in the loud house and casa are on the table and will make an appearance. Unless if the world ends.