Idle hands are the devil's playthings. Lisa has disproved the existence of an Abrahamic God in this particular universe (NKTN-0205) but the research she has done lead to the discovery of the Christian god in another universe (RWAU-0451), as well as a universe in which people have absolutely no concept of religion (CNNW-5780). The Loud family in that involuntarily-atheistic universe does not celebrate Christmas, this sparked a debate in whether or not to include that particular Lisa in the annual white elephant Christmas gift exchange among her colleagues. This debate was ended when that particular Lisa achieved world peace by unlocking inner-harmony and freed the humans of her planet from the shackles of the 3rd dimension and ascended to a higher plane of pure love and understanding. Her colleagues collectively sighed in relief for dodging a bullet: that Lisa turned out to be a real buzz-kill.
That isn't to say that there are no unseen higher powers that influence the day to day lives of the inhabitants of 0205. Lisa uncovered a commonality between the universes of her and her colleagues. An odd radiation that emits from every living being that can only be read by the timeline diagnostic machine. To get a bit technical it's sort of like a personalized oscillating value that spits out a pulse of excited quarks depending on what exactly is interacting with the source of the radiation. Imagine talking in front of a fan: depending on how fast the fan is going your voice will sound different, the speed of the fan is your personalized oscillating value and the voice is what is interacting with it. The interplay between the signal hitting the individual and the output creates an odd circuit, not unlike a phase-locked loop, in which outside forces along with internal forces subtly influence outside phenomena in future interactions.
Basically: our Lisa has discovered karma. And maybe the concept of a true "soul": a cosmic uniqueness that lies beyond our body. Not just in her universe, but every single universe that she has come into contact with.
Some Lisa's and Levi's postulate that our Lisa is introducing this phenomenon to other universes just by observing the other universes. Our Lisa shrugs off these claims and calls these colleagues "haters".
Lisa's first ever colleague, Levi from universe (NKTN-0502), made a discovery at the same time too. That a sentient individual left alone still generates it's oscillating value but will not release quarks without interaction, instead the sentient individual attracts phenomenon from the vacuum caused by the less dense quark radiation field. Levi basically proved that "idle hands are the devil's playthings". And maybe the concept of a true "evil": a force outside our control that causes entropy and chaos but isn't either of those things.
These discoveries helped Lisa and her colleagues better understand their own individualities when faced with the daunting concept of "multiple" universes (they are technically all the same universe, but different, it's hard to explain). Despite being the same person they all had their own personalized oscillating frequency emanating from their own being, kinda like a metaphorical thumb print. They all have physically different thumb prints, no two universes are ever that close (according to current observations), but that's another story.
Summer is the time in which hands are the most idle. No school, no homework, no dumb bus rides, no lame pledge of allegiance, no pep rallies, no boring teachers telling you that you aren't allowed to wear your cool t-shirt that says "I WAS THE ZODIAC KILLER AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID T-SHIRT" even though you made that shirt yourself with a sharpie and are proud of it. But with all that free time some kids turn to dangerous behaviors in a sick and twisted need for degeneracy. Sometimes they fill their hands by holding hands with other kids under romantic pretenses.
We will give you some time to stop vomiting.
As opposed to the idea of romantic pretenses as Lincoln pretends to be, we must remind you that he has kissed a girl (Ronnie Anne), twice. On the lips. He even held hands with Ronnie Anne last summer, but that was so he didn't get lost in the crowd during the Corner Store Convention held in the Royal Woods Convention Center. Holding hands didn't really work so they both decided to tether themselves together with a braided cord of lanyards they were handing out as freebies. They still got separated and Ronnie Anne found Lincoln at the front desk playing Tragic the Gathering with a group of other lost kids.
So yeah, Lincoln Loud is an absolute hypocrite. Not only has he held hands, but he also kissed a lady. Sure, he didn't hold hands with anything other than survival in his mind: but he still interlockedhis gross little boy fingers with Ronnie Anne's. He is basically a two-faced womanizing scumbag. But we'll let you draw your own conclusions.
"Okay, okay, deep breaths," Lincoln was trying to talk himself down from another panic attack, "It's just Ronnie Anne, she knows it's nothing personal if I just call her back later. I need to check on Luna."
Lincoln idly tapped his phone and set it on the table. Lynn and Lucy looked at each other and back at him as he stooped over the turned-over phone in complete silence.
"Uhh, dude." Lynn cocked her eyebrow, "Are you okay?"
"Yes. Yes. I am okay. I am good. I am not freaking out." Lincoln said with confidence, he set one hand on his hip and gestured with his other hand to annunciate how okay he is, "I am not at all freaking out about how we just got done talking about romance and then Ronnie Anne, the only girl I have ever kissed, called me on my phone. As if the universe was conspiring to make me uncomfortable."
Lisa excitedly took out an odd machine that looked a bit like an old graphing calculator jury-rigged to a vintage light meter meant for film photography. "Let me see…" Lisa mumbled in genuine fascination, a curt buzz was emitted, "Negative. This phone call was purely coincidental. I find this interesting, perhaps narrative threads give false negatives for the sake of dramatic intent… This gives me an idea…"
Lisa whispered something to Darcy who nodded and pulled out an odd looking green flashlight and blinded Lincoln. The two of them wordlessly left the table to head upstairs before Lincoln could react. He opened his mouth to complain after his eyes refocused, but closed it when he saw that the two of them left.
"So…" Lucy chose her words with care, Lincoln quickly refocused his attention to the conversation instead of whatever the hell it was Lisa and Darcy were up to, "Are you still… fond of Ronnie Anne? Please take your time to answer this."
"Yeah, Lincoln," Lola spoke up and brushed her hair to uncover her ear, she framed her nosyness as genuine care for her brother's well-being, "You kind of need to sort this out. If not for yourself, then for Luna's sake. You wouldn't want to bring such icky vibes to her when she's already feeling so down…"
Lincoln felt himself tense up only to be relaxed by a tentative pat from Lily, she flashed him a warm smile, "Quit being a baby, Lincoln. That's my job." She took Lincoln's glass and handed him a juicebox before waddling back into the kitchen.
Lincoln calmed down at that barb and rolled his eyes, puncturing the hole of the juicebox with the straw he opted to squirt the whole thing down his throat. He grimaced like he took a shot of mezcal and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket before continuing, "Alriiiiight, okay…
"Listen, Ronnie Anne used to be my bully. Then one day you guys put it in my head that she had a crush on me. So I kissed her. Then I kissed her again 2 weeks later in front of a restaurant because I called her an ugly-butt troll goblin and that I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss her. Looking back at my reasons for kissing her it dawned on me that I only found her attractive, in a romantic sense, because I thought she had a crush on me. That is the very definition of being a scumbag, just liking a girl because she's easy or something. And after I had that realization things started falling into place…
"While I do find her to be a conventionally attractive young woman: I do not want to pursue her in a romantic sense. I used to think that it was because I didn't want to mess up our friendship, but I can honestly say now that isn't the case at all from a bunch of things I've done in the past... I simply do not want her to be my girlfriend. I can blame it on the hesitation to jump forward in our relationship, on how I only started liking her because you guys told me that she probably liked me, or because she is a troll goblin who used to terrorize me and still kinda does from time to time. But at the end of the day the conclusion is that me and her are not meant to be together, and that us having this conversation in the first place makes me uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I'm devaluing her as a person: like she's just some kind of trophy or conquest when, to me: she is a very close friend.
"My first kiss was with her. And while I am not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy it, I really do not like that I kissed her only because I was egged on by you guys. Listen, I'm not trying to shift the blame or anything, those were my lips, I'm not that much of a tact-less butthole like you all think I am. But I stole her first kiss, without asking. I have 10 sisters and… I can't help but think about what you'd guys feel like if some guy just kissed you out of the blue, even if you maybe had a crush on them. It kinda makes me feel like the biggest turd on the planet, like a huge jerk. So, like, every time I even entertain the idea of dating her, or anyone else for that matter, I kind of think back to how scared and angry she was- like my eye twitches in remembrance of when she punched me…"
An incredibly deafening silence rang throughout the dining room. During Lincoln's monologue the 3 sisters shared looks of dawning horror at the realization that maybe they were the reason for Lincoln's current idiosyncrasies when it comes to romance. Lynn pursed her lips and stared at the wall holding her breath, Lucy reached out to pat Lincoln's shoulder only to find herself unable to lift her arm, Lola felt herself shrink to the size of an ant when faced with the true extent of Lincoln's anguish and squirmed in her seat.
"Hey," Meli broke the silence with a small smile, "That was really brave of you to admit… Th- thanks for sharing, and uh- I really appreciate that you trust us enough to open up like that!"
Lincoln stood up and smiled, "Yeah…" Lincoln let out a giddy laugh, "I- I actually feel really good! Jeez, it's like a weight was lifted off my sh-"
"Battery Low, Device Disconnected. Call Now In Hands-Free Speaker Mode." A robotic voice interrupted Lincoln from the table.
"Uh oh!" Lincoln raised his eyebrows and let out a hiss, "Y- you still there RA? Uh… am I in trouble?"
If the girls were perturbed before they were downright desolate right now. They couldn't even look at each other and just stared at the phone on the table in horror.
"N- no. Lincoln… uh, I'm not like- traumatized or whatever by the kiss or anything, but you're kinda right," A heavy sigh scratched against the microphone, "It was kinda messed up- the k… the kiss, but I was more angry about how embarrassing it was? If that makes sen- Wait. Dude. Do you still have me on speakerphone? Wh- what the he-"
Lincoln promptly snatched up the phone and turned off the speaker, "Uh, I'm going to take this in my room, real quick. Lynn, go check on Luna. Lucy, wait for Luan to come home. Lola, get those food allergies and numbers from Lacey. Meli, go check on Lily to make sure she isn't sneaking any more juice boxes."
"0205, Lincoln." Lucy found herself able to speak again, but her mind was still foggy.
"Wh- okay, it's '10-4', but I appreciat-" Lincoln gave a warm smile to Lucy for her being a good sport before she interrupted him.
"No. 0205 is the code to your new room- it's got better sound isolation so you don't have to worry about being loud…"
"Oh, yeah. Ha! I almost forgot," Lincoln gave Lucy a small pat on the head before heading upstairs, "Dude, I got Lori and Leni's old room!"
The three sisters sat in silence, Meli waved goodbye to Lincoln. Lynn took in a long breath through her nose before she got up, "Jeez. Uh, we kinda messed up Linc. Feels kinda bad," Lynn popped her back and shot a raised eyebrow to her sisters, "But moping about it isn't going to fix anything… Let's just try to get through this day and worry about it later."
With a sigh the three siblings and Meli stood up and pushed in their seats. Dinner was over, it was time to get to work.
There is a certain nuance to cellphone conversations. The other party isn't present but sometimes people still act as though they are being observed. This is readily apparent with the types of people who take phone calls in public, or take them through the hands-free functionalities of their cars while in traffic despite everyone on the planet knowing full well that everyone can hear your conversation through the speakers. People will gesture with one hand, moodily pace about their house, peek through their curtains as though something is out there, or peek into peoples curtains as if someone is in there. So why do people put on a performance when nobody is watching?
For themselves.
A conversation isn't necessarily just about understanding and connecting with another human being, it's about proving to yourself that you are someone worth listening to. People initiate conversations because they like performing, they like being heard, they like hearing the sound of their own voice. If this wasn't the truth: people would actually listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.
In a world with Bluetooth headsets and hands-free speakerphones and social media everyone is performing pretty much all the time. The act of being silent is rendered into a performance: "whoa check out that guy, he doesn't even have a lo-fi indie aesthetic blog, what is his deal?" or "this chick told me she was taking a break from social media so she didn't give me her number, so mysterious…". So you can't really get away from opting in to the performance, even if you wanted to.
Lincoln is the type of guy who paces during phone calls. This wasn't as apparent back when he lived in a closet, it looked like he was constantly moonwalking in place while he was on the phone.
"Whoa, that's pretty big news, Dude…" You could practically hear her raising an eyebrow over Lincoln immediately changing the subject, but shrugged it off, "So you got any plans for redecorating? I bet if you moved all your furniture in you'd still be left with like 80 percent of the room."
The hallway was dead quiet save for mutterings coming from Lisa's room, Lincoln ran his finger down the hallway while walking.
"Hmm…" Lincoln smiled to the sound of Ronnie's voice, he hasn't heard from her in a while with 8th grade coming to an end, "I'm thinking that I'm probably just going to toss the mattress or something, it can barely fit me anymore and Lori has one of those memory foam mattresses that I'm going to steal. Uh, the dresser I'm just going to throw in the closet. Maybe I'll donate some clothes or something, I've grown out of basically everything. So I've just got Lori's old mirrored dresser and Lori and Leni's twin-sized beds. Oh man! I'll actually have space to put a real desk in instead of using the dresser!"
Lincoln's finger eventually brushed against the keypad and he excitedly entered the code, stepping into his new room.
"Wow…" Ronnie Anne tried her best not to sound like she was pitying him, "Th- that's pretty cool! Maybe you can check, like, a second hand store or something…"
Lincoln scoffed at the idea and put his phone on speaker before tapping in his phone, "Pfft… I'd rather die than go antiquing, Lisa said I was doing well financially, may-" Lincoln's breath stopped in his throat as he finally got into his bank account through his phone.
"D- dude? Are you okay?" Ronnie Anne was silent for a bit, "Listen, man, I can spot you like thirty bucks- you don't have to worry about paying me back… just think of it as a graduation gi-"
"Ronnie Anne, what was the name of that skateboard brand you like?" Lincoln stared at a number that ended with 5 zeros in a checking account labeled monthly allowance, "Uh, y- you can just get me a potted plant or something. That might actually spruce up the room a bit!"
"Uh, I like- hold on, you don't have to buy me a whole deck dude, I just need some new beari-"
"Trust me, Ronnie, I can afford it, and you are worth it," Lincoln's heart was racing, he took a peek at another checking account labeled Rainy Day Fund that ended with 6 zeros and started laughing maniacally, "S- sorry. Uh, you know how I'm the manager of Luna's band?"
"Y- yeah? Oh, congrats on them getting platin- Oh. Oh. H…" Ronnie Anne was silent and Lincoln could hear a flurry of clicking and typing, "DIOS McFUCKIN' MIO! Lincoln… You must be loaded… y- you've got a zikipedi-"
"Yeah, and Lisa said she'd be managing my money… I thought that meant that she was just holding onto it," Lincoln saw that his savings accounts were inaccessible and was okay with that, he took a look at where the money was coming from in his checking accounts, "Apparently she's been using it to invest in like stocks or buttcoin or whatever, she's uh, pretty good at it. So um… what was that brand again?"
Ronnie Anne let out a shaky breath before laughing, "Dude, I'm afraid if I tell you you'd like, buy the whole company or something…"
"Ha! I'm not that loaded, Lisa made it so I can't access my savings. But we have enough to buy out an indie brand or something, or, like, start up our own…"
"Okay. Lincoln, stop." Ronnie Anne sighed, her voice was warm, "Listen, it's really nice of you that you want to buy me an indie skate company. But you really should spend that money on yourself first, y- you… listen, Lincoln, you need to promise to not be upset with what I'm about to say…"
"I'm not going to promise that since I'm pretty sure I can afford the plane tickets to fly over and kick your ass in 2 hours," Lincoln laughed.
"Fiiiine," Lincoln could hear her throwing her hands in the air, "It is, like, incredibly fucked up that your family made you live in a closet. Like, I love them all to death, but they could've literally done anything else. You have a basement! An attic! And instead they give you a LINEN CLOSET? Dude, that is just bonkers…"
Lincoln was stunned in silence, Ronnie Anne hasn't lost her cool like that in ages, "W-wow," Lincoln blinked and thought about that long and hard, "Uh. I didn't even think about the basement… It would've been scary, but with some lights I could've made it work- Wow. We could've just moved everything in the attic to the basement… Why didn't I think of that? Or any of us? Jeez… I don't know what to say…"
Ronnie Anne sighed and calmed down, "Because you guys are all incredibly smart and talented, but when it comes to common sense you guys kinda… wet the bed," the sound of her climbing into bed came through, "Listen… go to the furniture store and buy like a really nice couch and a big-ass TV or something. Because I've seen you run in circles for the last couple of years in a room that's smaller than my bathroom. It was kinda fun when we were kids, it felt cozy. It- it still kinda does, but that's because of you… but just thinking about living in that room makes me claustrophobic… Just buy something nice for yourself, you earned it."
"Oh, yeah, no, first thing I'm gonna do is buy, like, one of those cool 'L' shaped couches and a mini-fridge." Lincoln immediately replied with a laugh, "I was always reaaaally jealous of yours… Yeah, I'm sick and tired of getting the short end of things. And it's about ding dang time somebody recognized how hard I work."
"Okay, don't get a big hea-"
"TOO LATE! Yeeeeah, I'm gonna put the gold statue of me HERE…" Lincoln screamed as he scrambled to the window and opened it while Ronnie Anne started laughing, "AND I'M GONNA PUT A 30 FOOT TALL ONE IN THE FRONT FUUUUUCKIN YAAAAAAAAAARD! HELL YEAH, BABY!"
"LOUD, LANGUAGE!" Mr. Grouse screamed from next door.
"DON'T WORRY GROUSE, I'LL BUY YOU ONE TOO!" Lincoln shut the window with a flourish, "How was that? My head big enough yet?"
It took a good half a minute for Ronnie Anne to stop laughing, Lincoln collapsed on the bed and felt content, "Y- yeah, Linc…" Ronnie Anne was still catching her breath, "Sorry I was even worried…"
"So, you wanna talk about the kiss" Lincoln raised his eyebrow.
"Dude." Ronnie Anne was stunned by the change of subject.
"Just kidding," Lincoln laughed and sat up, "Luna and Sam broke up so I guess the topic of romance natu-"
"Whoa, Dude. H- how is she? That sounds pretty… heavy."
"Not particularly good, but considering how uh… emotional Lori got during fights with Bobby she's being a real trooper. I just kinda feel like I'm out of my wheelhouse in trying to uh… connect with her? Trying to understand what she's going through? I've never broken up with anyone before…"
"Hmm…" Ronnie Anne gave a slight chuckle, "I was thinking about you dating and immediately was like: welp, he'd probably understand what a breakup is like reaaal quick- but that'd be kinda mean- and probably untrue. I think you are ready to date. You're way more uh… smooth? Since you were a snot-nosed brat, that is."
"Why, thank you, Ronalda!" Lincoln laughed and threw on a fake mature accent to his voice, "You would be quite the catch today! A far cry from the knuckle-dragging vindictive neanderthal you were when we were children! You even brush your teeth now! Add all of your good points like; breathing with mouth closed, can laugh on command, can memorize names, and all together you have every boys "
"Okay, okay, I get it." Ronnie Anne laughed, "I'm just glad you said that you didn't want to date me, that would kinda make things weird since I don't really wanna date you either." Ronnie Anne let out an exasperated hiss before continuing, "Because it kinda feels like we already were ex's? Even though we didn't really date?"
Lincoln was silent for a bit before nodding his head, "Yeah… Yeah! It does kinda feel like that. Been there done that sort of deal, right? And like, uh… I kinda really do want the best for you and I'm not really confident I can be anything but a friend for you."
"Dude, freakin' gross, don't go all soft on me," Ronnie Anne gave a fake grimace and laughed, "But yeah, same here, dude. And hey, sorry about ghosting you the last couple of months, been kinda busy over here with the class president stuff."
"Dogg, you do know that I am a class president too right?" Lincoln got up from the bed, "It's the same on my end too, no skin off my chonie-area. And I'm gonna be honest? I'm thinking about not doing student council in high school. Dating sounds like a preferable past-time than running around for a bunch of jerks who don't even like you in the first place…"
Ronnie Anne let out a groan in agreement, "Dude, you read my mind. Freshman Ronnie Anne is just gonna go home after school and maybe grab a hotdog on the way home. Dios mio, I feel like I need to get therapy…" Ronnie Anne yawned, "Hey, don't wanna keep you from Luna… but uh, I'll see you on Tuesday… at the uh- holy shi- jeez you got cash… at the Royal Woods Hotel…"
"Yeah, I completely forgot about that… Let's hang over the summer! Oh, and text me the name of that brand!"
"Yeah sure, and, uh, Lincoln?"
"Yeah?"
"If I get a boyfriend before you get a girlfriend I am never going to let you live that down…"
"Shit." Lincoln raised his eyebrows and covered his mouth, "I- I guess I should start taking all this seriously…"
"Yeah, you do that, lady-killer. Love you, Laterz." The sound of the dial tone rang in Lincoln's ears and he silently walked over to the window and opened it.
"HEY, GROUSE." Lincoln yelled.
"WHAT. IS. IT. LOUD? I AM TRYING TO WATCH MY SHOWS."
"SORRY ABOUT CUSSING, I WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS THIS GIRL I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON."
"OH, DID IT WORK?"
"YEAH, PROBABLY. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER, AND I KINDA DON'T KNOW IF I EVER DID. BUT I FEEL A LITTLE BIT MORE CONFIDENT IN GETTING OUT THERE, YOU KNOW?"
"NO, NOT REALLY, LOUD. BUT, HEY. GOOD FOR YOU. NOW PLEASE, KEEP IT DOWN!"
Lincoln closed the window in response and took a deep breath. He took a step back and looked at the window. His head tilted in confusion when he compared it to the one in his old room. As tiny as it was, it loomed above him while he was sleeping like an eye. The sickly fluorescent glow of the streetlights would sometimes keep him up at night. For as small as that room was, it technically had the highest ceiling as there was no attic above it.
That window was always out of reach, as a younger child he would think of it as the moon.
There was a time in which humanity laid on its back and looked up to the night sky and saw the moon as something larger than life, something they could never reach, something bigger than them. How did it feel to see mankind reach out and touch it? To find out that it was just as real as we are?
Lincoln let these thoughts mull around in his head and found himself walking towards the window to get a better glimpse of the moon rising on the horizon. He saw his reflection in the glass, his mouth wide open in naive wonderment, and with a grimace and a chuckle he closed the curtains.
It was time to check on Luna.
"He conocido la luna y el sol
Sangre que juzga
Bien conocidos, la luna y el sol
Sol, sol, sol"
Conosidos by Y La Bamba
You might be wondering why Ronnie has such a potty-mouth. It's because of hormones.