Chapter 61.

At the small primate exhibit, Dean spotted a tiny monkey, sitting on the ground and carefully sorting through a pile of chopped up fruit. He was lifting up each piece, examining it as if he had never seen that kind of fruit before and then placing it onto the new pile he was making.

"Reminds me of Cas." he said.

Anael watched the monkey for a while and then said, "He looks nothing like Cas."

"I mean the fascination with things nobody else cares about, like bees."

"Bees are important. In fact, given how dependent on them humans are, I'm amazed you care so little." she said.

"We just never give them much thought." he admitted., "I'm not saying Cas is wrong to care about things. I like that about him. For an angel, he has a lot of depth."

"You think angels are shallow?" she said. She'd always hated it when he seemed to suggest that she was.

"Not exactly." he said, "I think they are just generally uncomplicated, designed to obey and t serve, not to think, wonder or care. He does all three." He looked at her and added, "So do you. You're starting to, anyway."

"Sometimes I envy him the relationship he has with you."

"Don't. It's brought him a lot of pain."

"He doesn't think so." she said.

"He does. He just thinks he deserves it or that it taught him something that made it worthwhile." He watched the monkey eat a few pieces of fruit. The creature looked blissful. "Cute little guy." he said.

"Castiel or the monkey?" she asked.

He chuckled. "I'd never call Cas cute. Not to his face, anyway."

She was quiet for some time, then she said, "You're good for him, Dean. He wouldn't be who he is without your influence."

"I'm not sure my influence is good for anyone." he said, looking at the monkey, so he didn't have to meet her eyes, "You may want to choose someone else to teach you about humanity. I barely qualify."

"You keep saying things like that, but you're wrong. Look at the people you've influenced; Sam, Castiel, Charlie, Jack and me. Okay, I'm a work in progress and probably don't make the case very well, but the others? They're all better people because of who and what you are."

He turned to look at her, wondering if it could be deliberate. Her face was unreadable. "You're putting me in a difficult position here." he said.

"Yes, I am. To argue with me, you have to say something bad about each of them and you know as well as I do with the possible exception of Castiel, there is nothing bad to say."

"Lay off Castiel. He's come a long way."

"He still wanted to order me back to Heaven."

"Yeah, well, if you're expecting me to criticise him for repeating old, worn out, unhealthy patterns, I have no right to do that. I'm not exactly without sin in that area myself." He laughed briefly and without humour. "Or any area, really."

"I wish you forgave yourself as easily as you forgive him."

"He's an angel. I don't have that excuse."

"You have all the excuses you need." she said, "None of the people around you blame you for any of it."

"Why do you think I hang out with those people?" he said. He moved sharply as a monkey appeared on a branch close to his head. Fight or flight had nearly kicked in and he was glad he hadn't done something stupid like pulled a gun.

Anael had noticed and obviously found it funny. For a moment, but only a moment, he was embarrassed. Then he laughed. "Hunter reflexes." he said, "Frickin' monkeys!"

"At least you're alert and ready for action." she said.

He decided he was fine with entertaining her. Making women laugh had always played a key part in his strategy and Anael was very pretty when she smiled. Most importantly, she was laughing with him, not at him. She was enjoying his company, not losing respect for him.

Two of the monkeys were chasing each other through the branches. Another pair sat quietly, grooming each other. When Anael saw him looking at the, she said, "Sam and Eileen. Look, she's even sitting on his knee."

"It's cute, the way they do that, isn't it?" said Dean, "Economical use of space, too. They only really need one chair. It's surprising how well Sam folds up those legs, but i never thought I'sd see anyone else manage to fit on a chair he's already occupying."

"Se's small and he's obliging." she said.

"And they pine if there's more than an inch of space between them."

"It's sweet." She said, defending them as she always did. He loved her even more for that.

"It's adorable." he said, "I'm wondering if the baby will fit too. We could stack the whole family on a single chair. Makes up for him taking up so much space in the car."

"Do you know how little sense you're making?" she said.

He turned away to look at the monkeys again. "I'm aware." he said, "Get used to it. Humans often make no sense, even to each other."

"I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable about it. I like it. It's like there's a piece of your personality that just says whatever comes into your head and doesn't look for anyone's approval or permission. I like that a lot."

"Thanks, I think." he said.

"But then I say something about it and you go shy on me."

He turned to face her, glad that she couldn't read him quite as perfectly as she thought. "One thing I have never been is shy." he said, "If anything, not shy enough. My big mouth tends to get me into trouble."

"I didn't mean to suggest that you're unable to speak. You're very eloquent. You just seem to be uneasy about letting people know the real you."

"It's a hunter thing. We don't do vulnerable."

"I know that's part of it, but it's also a Dean thing. You don't like the idea of judgement and rejection. I understand that, because I don't like them either." Her voice shook as she spoke, a most unangelic sign of how hard it was for her to be vulnerable in front of him.

He felt bad for every time he had stoked her insecurities or given her reason to expect his rejection. He wished he could make promises, but there were none that he could be sure of keeping.

"It's not that simple," he said, "Because I'll admit, honesty scares me. It seems like, whenever someone gets a glimpse of who I am, they lose interest. One called me crazy, another ... Well, it doesn't matter. Mom knew the real me and she left me."

"She died."

"Then she came back and left me again and I get why she did and I know it didn't mean she didn't love me, but it hurt and it felt at the time like rejection on top of rejection. So I'm conflicted. I want to be real with you. I want to know you and for you to know me, but to actually open up to you, or to anyone, goes against my gut. And yeah, I know how pathetic that sounds."

"That you've been hurt before and would prefer not to be hurt again?" she said, "It doesn't sound pathetic to me. And telling me about it seems brave."

"It's anything but, I can promise you that." he said.

"I get scared too," she said, "Not that you'll kill me, now, but that something I do or say will make you hate me."

"Yeah, you tried to kill me, sweetheart and yet I'm still here. Hell, you tried to kill Sam. I don't even know what it is about you, but i need you around and if I seem reluctant to show you the real me, it's only because I'm afraid he really isn't worthy of your attention."

"As you said, I know the things you remember with guilt and shame. I know the worst of you and yet I still chose to be with you, in the extremely limited way you'll allow. And I'm not complaining about that, just hoping it can change."

"It's changing already. It is." Dean told her, "I believe in you. I'm just not sure I believe in us."

She smiled at him in sympathy. "I bet, if we try very hard, we can probably work out what that means and which of us you need to start believing in."

He smiled uncertainly. "That could be hard." he said.

"You never picked the easy way out before." she said.