We've talked a lot about pretentious and embarrassing terms and concepts today, so much so that you're probably ready to skip all this and head straight to the story. Too bad. How do you think we feel? Writing all these words here? It's mortifying, but we continue so you can have a bit more context of what's going on.
We would like to introduce you to a term: The Detective's Burden.
We touched upon how true communication is impossible, about how we are all stuck in our own heads in a world that we aren't even the architects of, about how everything that comes out of our mouths is a performance no matter how genuine we try to be. But honestly: that's all a bunch of yellow-bellied, debbie-downer posturing. When it really comes down to things you need to communicate your ideas, or at least try to.
So how do you convince someone that the words you say are worth accepting as "truth"? Even when what you are saying is an objective observation? That is the detective's burden.
You can read a book, written by people who know things, and you can read the things they know and then you know them too. That's an easy pill to swallow: because they know things. Their work has been peer-reviewed, their experiments and observations have been recorded, they went to school and had to deal with college professors perhaps, they got funding from private entities to say things: and everybody loves private entities, they give us cool stuff like luxury 2-door vehicles. So we look at the words written by people and can accept them as truth real easy because every question has already been answered and they got graphs and photographs that you can look and nod your head at. But this isn't communication, there isn't any interplay between the presenter and presentee. Because they are just literally telling the truth, calling em as we see them. It's like some guy walking up to you on a nice day and saying, "Hey, great day we are having!", and you just nod your head and walk away. Like duh, of course it's a good day, that's why we left the house in the first place.
This probably stems from the "presenter" in this situation not being a person, but "contingency": actual phenomenon, substantial data, the whole shebang. Sure, there is no such thing as a purely objective observer, but numbers do not lie. The people who PEMDAS them together might, but that's your fault for not breaking out that calculator yourself.
The titular main character of the Ace Savvy comic book series, Ace Savvy, is a detective. He spends about ⅔'s of an issue beating up people, ⅙ of the time looking through a magnifying glass at objects, and the remaining ⅙ explaining to the mayor of Baize City, Mayor House, why he beat up all those people near to death. Mayor House never seems to care why Ace beat up all those poor people and is terrified of Ace, but listens anyways because he doesn't want to get beat up too. Ace usually explains his vigilante actions by giving a monologue of different details he has picked up while breaking and entering and brutalizing his way through private property.
In "The Case of Ruby Roulette" Ace explains to a cowering Mayor House that he crashed socialites Ruby Roulette's niece's quinceanera because he thwarted an armored car jacking heading to Ruby's main competitor, the casino Cleopatra's Palace, loaded with enough plastic explosives to level the building. After a quick interrogation consisting of breaking the would-be hijacker's arm with the armored car's door Ace quickly uncovered that he was under the employment of Ruby and promptly broke his other arm. After brutally dispatching Ruby's unarmed guards in spectacular fashion Ace captured Ruby and got her to confess by almost drowning her by dunking her head in a fruit punch bowl in front of her niece.
Mayor House said that he was there at the party and heard her confession as it happened and agreed to throw Ruby into a minimum-security prison. House reminded Ace that the hijacker did not actually have orders from Ruby to plant that bomb and was in actuality a disgruntled ex-employee who wanted to get back at Ruby. In a rare moment of self-awareness Ace realized he goofed and returned to the hospital the hijacker was staying at and broke the rest of his limbs.
Under the guise of Spade Nifty, billionaire playboy, Ace got Ruby the best lawyers in town to defend her and got Ruby off scot-free. This had the side-effect of causing Ruby to fall in love with Spade for defending her when the whole town was against her and suspected her to be a terrorist, and she resolved herself to turn over a new leaf and stop being so darn evil all the time. This backfires on Ace because from then on Ruby spends a lot of her time championing against the hyper-violent antics of Ace Savvy and blames him on the ever-escalating violence on the streets of Baize City.
Lincoln is a fan of this story arc. Ace Savvy is known for never really showing blood, but that fruit punch scene was kinda badass and got a lot of heat from concerned parents. It also introduced Ruby's niece who would go on to be the Crimson Croupier, a morally-grey anti-hero who beats people up with a cane. He also is fond of it because Ace, in a rare moment of humanity, made a mistake and he fixed it.
Our Lincoln is 13 now, turning 14 pretty darn soon, and has spent the majority of his life lionizing Ace Savvy. He looks up to him because Ace is not afraid to Deal Out Some Justice at the drop of a hat. Ace's actions speak for themselves, he doesn't need to spend time "explaining himself" because his fists usually do the talking. Despite being a detective he shrugs off the detective's burden with ease and style. This is a quality that Lincoln does not see in himself, deep down inside Lincoln thinks of himself as a coward who only has access to his words. Lincoln wishes he could just say something and have other people believe in him, to not have to jump through hoops just to get a point across. He may be the "master of convincing", but he wishes that he didn't have to be that person.
He wishes he could be like Ace.
"So," Lincoln elbowed Benny lightly in the ribs and squirmed free, "What'd you get for me?"
Luan rolled her eyes, "Jeez, Linc. He's my boyfriend, get your own if you want a giant teddy bear so bad…"
"Bro!" Benny's face lit up and he gripped Lincoln's shoulders and shook him a bit, "That's a great idea! Go get a boyfriend and we can go on double dates at B&D's! That'd like double our ticket intake!"
Lincoln raised an eyebrow and calmly brushed off Benny's hands, "Uh, I am not really in the market for a boyfriend. I might be growing up and discovering myself b-"
"Dude, you know what I mean." Benny rolled his eyes, "Boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, aromantic platonic life partner," Benny shot out his hands and pointed shaking finger guns at him, "I don't really care about what you're into, but I know you like arcades- and B&D's rules! I know the cabinet selection isn't up to your speed with the predominance of ticket spitting coin-eaters and not like classic arcade cabinets. But duuuuude, it's like a golden age for kid-friendly gambling! I've been keeping up with the coin operated Amusement industr-"
Lincoln's eyes lit up in recognition, "You read Coin Eaterz Magazine? I read that article about the new quarterly releases too, I might take you up on that off-"
"Okay, okay," Luan kissed Benny to shut him up before he burst into another diatribe and he shyly adjusted his brown corduroy sports-coat, "Jeez, Benny… I know you're excited to rope my little brother into your worrying gambling addiction, but I'm pretty sure Lincoln isn't really that interested in dating."
"Nah, I kinda did a complete 360 on that within the handful of hours you've been gone." Lincoln casually inspected his nails like it was no big deal.
"One hundred and eighty degrees, Lincoln." Lisa shook her head before stopping herself, "Oh! Unless if you are attempting to make a joke… hmm… quite funny…"
"Ah! Lisa!" Benny quickly turned to pull out a pair of Hiya-Poopy! branded walkie-talkies to hand to the bespectacled Loud, "We got you these, maybe you can take them apart and turn them into like some kind of sonic weapon or something."
"Egads!" Lisa squealed, "How splendid!"
"What do you say, Lisa?" Lincoln asked with a raised eyebrow.
Lisa sighed before flashing a smile, "Why thank you, Benny. I have always wondered what it would be like to have a nice older brother."
Lincoln gasped, "Oh, so that's how it is, huh?"
Lisa looked at Lincoln and sheepishly smiled, "I was just joking, Lincoln. I am sorry if I offended you…"
"Relax, Lis'," Lincoln ruffled her hair, "I was just joking too…" Lincoln bent down and smiled, "I know I'm a big jerk sometimes, but that doesn't matter: you love me anyways."
Lincoln finished his assurance by pinching Lisa on the nose, "Ugh, perish the thought that I even bothered…" Lisa rolled her eyes, "But, affirmative- I must admit that my adoration for you is unconditional."
Lisa gave him a hug before scampering off to her room while waving her new branded walkie talkies, "Darcy! We got Hiya-Poopy! walkie talkies! How I adore the antics of this canine, Poopy! Let us try them out, post-haste!"
A tsunami of sisters surrounded Benny and wordlessly demanded their respective spoils of war. Benny shot a pleading look to Luan who simply giggled and returned her attention to Lincoln. Benny whimpered as he was thrown to the beasts.
"So… dating huh?" Luan took a seat on the oversized teddy bear, setting her clutch down she rolled her head to pop her neck before continuing, "Pretty big decision, but I think you're up to it."
"Yeuuuup," Lincoln took a breath through his nose, "I came to the conclusion after talking with everyone that dating was kinda gonna happen whether or not I want it to. I also had a discussion with Ronnie and got over my trauma with he-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, I think they just called my number at the deli counter- you had beef with Ronnie Anne?"
"Sorta," Lincoln hissed and rolled his hands together in a circle in contemplation, "Uh, so like you guys pressured me into kissing her. I did it without asking if it was cool, and stole her first kiss, and she punched me. I got it in my head that I only really like liked her back then only because I thought she was available, which is kinda scummy. So I threw the idea of romance away because of the immense guilt."
"Huh…" Luan was stunned and quickly scrambled in her seat, "Oh jeez, Linc- We didn't mean to like traumatize you or anyth-"
"It's all good, Luan," Lincoln chuckled, "Ronnie Anne told me that it was fine, and that if she got a boyfriend before me I'd be a huge loser- So I got that angle to get the ball rolling."
"Wait, seriously?" Luan blinked in confusion, "You aren't like upset that we-"
"Sis, if you seriously think that is the only instance of PTSD you girls have given me over the years you'd be living under a rock or something… It's all good, that's just how family is, you know!" Lincoln brushed off her worries with ease, "Not like I haven't done anything to mess with the emotional and mental development of you guys!"
Luan sat in silence while Benny whimpered in fear as the girls screamed for dominance over who got which full-sized candy bars, "Yeaaah, family…" Luan finally nodded, "You got a point… but if you wanna talk about it, you've got my number."
Lincoln gave a comical smirk and squinted his eyes, "Yeah, sure. I'll be sure to give you a first class ticket to meddle in my personal aff-" He quickly caught himself and sighed, "Actually… I guess it'd be kind of lame of me to disregard all the changes we've gone through and stay stuck in the past… S- sure. If I do need some help, I'll ask you. And- I'm not sure if I can give any good advice over romance, but I do kinda have a handle on communicating and convincing, so uh, it goes both ways."
Luan smiled, "Thanks, Linc…" She quickly changed tone and quirked an eyebrow, "So… you got any potential suitors or anything? Add any numbers to your little black book?"
"Uh," Lincoln scratched the back of his head, "My address book is blue, and I usually just stick to my phone's contacts just because it has more space- but yeah? I did get Meli's older sister's num-"
"Cheese and crackers, Linc!" Luan hissed in terror, "I was just kidding! Man, my little bro- the lady killer," She shook her head and frowned, "To think you'd work this fast… it's kinda scary…"
Lincoln held up his hands defensively, "Whoa, now! I just got Cici's number so I could ask her about her experiences with break-ups because, according to Meli, she's had a bunch. Might help out me understanding what Luna's going through since the only person I know who has an ex is Fiona, and I do not have the half a day available to listen to her talk for hours about her ex's… And I'm sure I'd learn something from her too. Plus- she's already a sophomore, so I'm fairly certain I'm a bit too young for her…"
Luan shook her head and gave a sad smile to Lincoln, "Okay, Linc. Girls do not give their numbers to their littlesistersfriend'solderbrothers just to give advice. This isn't the 50's or whatever, a girls number is like- sacred, or something. Like a friendbook request? That's casual. Being mutuals on instagrim? Fine. But a girl's number? She might as well of said yeah, I think we should name our first child after my grandma."
Lincoln contemplated that for a bit before he was hit with inspiration, "S-so a girl's number is like a wizard's true name?"
Luan grimaced and squinted her eyes before raising her hands in frustration, "Sure! Yeah, whatever." If playing along with Lincoln could get him to understand the gravity of this she didn't mind, "Just, be mindful of this. Don't, like, freak out or anything if she is interested in you- maybe she is just looking to be helpful… but honestly? I kinda doubt it. I don't really know her that well, but I'm told that she collects boyfriend's like you collect coins…"
"She organizes them by date and rarity and keeps them framed in tasteful shadow boxes?" Lincoln wondered.
"Yeah, actually," Luan nodded to shut him up, "Like she doesn't seem all that bad or anything, and she is supposedly a nice enough gal. Just don't get attached? I guess? Man- this is kinda weird…"
"Hmm," Lincoln thought for a bit, "Then I just won't talk to her, easy as that."
"Whoa, slow down there, cochise," Luan held out her hands to stop Lincoln's train of thought, "I mean you kiiiinda asked for her number and she gave it to you. You are kinda obliged to at least talk to her, do that, and if she starts flashing signals down her landing strip and you don't want to land then pull that plane around. Just be gentle? Or at least try to have some tact?"
"Oh, come on! That's incredibly tasteless- and I've got tact!" Luan shot Lincoln a look and he backpedaled, "Okay, I've got the glimmerings of tact, I'm trying to level it u- er, work on it…"
"Lincoln, you just admitted you were fine with not following up with her just because there was a chance of it being slightly complicated. If you do want to start 'leveling up' your tact like it's some kind of videogame your first step is to actually get out there…"
"BENNY IS THE BEST! BENNY IS THE BEST!" The other Loud sisters chanted as they blissfully circled Benny with held hands, their mouths smudged with chocolate. Benny simply gave a smile that didn't reach his eyes as the younger siblings said their goodbyes and went to their separate rooms dragging along various stuffed animals.
Lynn cleared her throat and wiped her face clean in embarrassment as she walked up to Lincoln and Luan, "So, uh, what's up?"
"Not much," Luan rolled her eyes, "Besides Lincoln deciding he was going to start dating and immediately got Cici's number a-"
"Whoa, Cici Ramirez?" Benny walked up to the three of them, "Lincoln, I know waiting at the DMV is boring, but Cici Ramirez's number? That's like the fastpass in the amusement park of romance…"
Lynn grimaced and checked to make sure the twin's door was closed and made sure they weren't listening before continuing, "Yeah… I wasn't gonna say anything with Meli in the room," Lynn's expression immediately darkened and she raised a fist at Lincoln, "Because if anything bad happens to Meli I will destroy whoever did it-" All three of them shared her sentiment and nodded their heads in agreement before she continued, "But, yeah. Cici kinda has a reputation- Not that there is anything wrong with dating or anything! I mean, it's her business, but-uh hold on. Let me get the 411 from Paula…"
Lynn fished out her phone from her shorts and called up Paula on videochat over friendbook. It did not ring twice before she picked it up. Paula appeared on her screen, Lincoln noted that she was clutching a solo cup filled to the brim with apple cider and the noises of raucous voices and loud music filled the hallway.
"Lyyyyyn, why aren't you here? Sully is throwing this huge end of the year part-."
"Sully? That piece of human garbage who is too good to show up to band practice?" Lincoln felt himself slip into manager-mode.
Lynn gave Lincoln an exasperated whisper, "Dude, Lincoln, chill."
"No, I kinda don't feel like chilling right now. Paula, is he there?" Lincoln took the phone from Lynn's hand and Lynn threw her hands up in the air and sighed.
"W-whoa. H-heya, Lincoln. B-been a while… I like the leather jacket." Paula stammered out, she quickly set the red cup down on the floor.
"Yeah," Lincoln's expression lightened up, "Listen, sorry for hijacking the call like that. But I kinda wanna yell at Sully, it would make me feel better- but hey! Uh, we can talk some other time, I'll give you a call or something."
"It's no problem, really!" Paula regained her composure and started lumbering up some stairs, it looks like they were in a barn packed to the brim with teens, "I just took my phone off the charger so take your time and- uh, the speakers are loud, do you want me to connect to the Bluetooth? Make it louder- ya, know? To embarrass him more?"
Lincoln chuckled, "Ha! Sometimes I'm afraid you can read my mind sometimes, Paula. Yeah sure. Usually I'd-" Lincoln smiled as he heard the music cut out and his voice echoing through the barn, "Usually I'd say something like that Jerk Sully doesn't need me to make an embarrassment out of himself, because he suuuuure can do it himself just fine…"
Paula giggled and handed the phone over to face a terrified Sully before quickly pulling the phone back to her hands, "I'll let Lynn give you my number bee tee dubs, okaybye!"
"H-hey boss…" Sully was on screen visibly sweating.
"Hello, Sullivan. I was wondering: am I a joke to you?" Lincoln's eyes widened and he tilted his head, waiting for his response.
Luan, Benny, and Lynn pursed their lips as they stared wide-eyed at the floor in second-hand embarrassment for Sully. Luan and Lynn shuddered at how similar Lincoln can sound to their mom, lately he can get a bit intense about certain things. But they understand- puberty and hormones and all that.
"Oh, shit!" A raspy voice cussed, "Is that Bossman? Crap, crap-ity, crapcrap where is my lipstick."
"No, Lincoln. I don't think you're a joke…" Sully stared wide-eyed into the camera before squinting his eyes at Mazzy off-screen, "What the heck do you need lipstick for?"
"I need to look pretty- he'll be nice to us if I look pretty!" Mazzy complained.
"What the hell are you even talk-" Sully was interrupted by a curt cough from Lincoln, "No! Lincoln! Listen ab- about practice we-"
"Signed an agreement that stated that you would practice at least once a week. And both you, and Mazzy, have not shown up once, and now it's …" Lincoln checked his watch despite knowing full well what date it was, "The end of Friday. Do you know why I'm upset with you?"
"Hi, Boss!" Mazzy appeared on screen, her face smudged with orange lipstick, she mussed up her hair a bit and took her jacket off to show off an exposed shoulder from her black and white shirt, "I know we weren't at practice today at the garage, b- but we did do a short 30 minute ska set tonight at the party…"
"Oh!" Lincoln blinked in surprise, "Sully…"
"Y-yeah, boss?" Sully looked like he was about to pass out.
"Why didn't you open with that? Or text me? Or literally do anything? Why am I always the last person to know things that happen in our band?" Lincoln let his temperature simmer down a bit, to the untrained ear he sounded almost cheerful. But Lynn and Luan knew that wasn't the case.
"Sorry, Boss…" Mazzy stammered out, "I promise t- to keep you in the loop from here on out."
"Thank you, Mazzy. You look absolutely fantastic by the way, which is surprising considering how high you set the bar," Lincoln was an adept at both inflating egos and deflating egos, Mazzy let loose an embarrassed snort and went off screen, leaving Sully alone, "Now, Sully… your turn…"
"I-" Sully took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, Lincoln."
"Thank you, Sully." Lincoln smiled and released a long sigh, he felt much better after taking out today's frustrations on Sully and quickly switched manager-mode off "But, dude. That party looks badass. Good on you, man. Place looks packed. H-hey, is that Liam's barn?"
Sully almost collapsed in relief as the tension was cut, Lincoln heard a giggle and the speakers went back to playing music, "Yeah, Hunniecut rented out the place to us for 2 hundred clams- hey, uh, Paula is asking for her phone back. Uh, I'll catch you tomorrow, Boss. And seriously: sorry, Dude…"
Lincoln waved goodbye and blew a raspberry.
The phone screen turned into a blur as Sully walked the phone back to Paula. "I told you he'd be nicer if I just showed some skin-" "Dude, listen: please stop, it's kinda weird" "H-how is it weird? Am I, like, not pretty or something? Did he say some-" "It's- he's- dude you're like 18 now, it was cute when we were kids b-" "Okay, first off I'm turning 18 in like 3 months, secondly: it's not like that and now you're the one making this weir-"
"Now: That. Was. Fun!" Paula screeched into the phone, "Oh, I got chills from you going off on him! Absolutely hilarious!"
Lincoln laughed, "Yeah… Nothing to liven up a party like a little public humiliation! Man. That felt good, been in a kinda weird mood lately… You know with Luna and Sa-"
"Ohmygod, yeah, that must be crazy!" Paula cut him off, "H-hey, you need someone to talk to just give me a ri-"
Lynn quickly snatched the phone from Lincoln, "Alright, alright, man… So ANNNNYWAYS, is Cici there?"
"Uh, nah, she's been pretty down after breaking up with her last boyfriend, so she sat this one out, real shame…" Paula shook her head, "This one hit her pretty hard, she thought he was the one, you know?"
"Uh, no." Lynn curtly replied, "That's why I was asking you. Give us the low-down on Cici Ramirez."
"Uh, why?" Paula quirked her eyebrow before throwing a hand up, "Wait, lemme guess: Lincoln is thinking about dating now that he's getting into highschool and somehow got Cici's number through completely innocent intentions and he feels kinda in the deep end about it?"
"Y-yeah, actually…" Benny nodded his head in approval and pointed a finger to the phone, "This chick is good…"
Paula rolled her eyes and took a sip out of a glass bottle filled with seltzer, "Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln…" Paula let out a chortle, "Always biting off more than you can chew… luckily for you: you look the cutest when you're in trouble…"
"Pft, haha…" Lincoln gave a sly smile and rubbed the back of his neck, "Thanks for the compliment, and uh- I always admired your mischievous nature," Lincoln looked at Benny and Luan with squinted eyes and a confused grimace and they motioned with their hands to go for it, "That glint in your eyes always gets my heart racing." Paula couldn't see Lincoln squint his eyes and grimace at his words- he was a bit unsure how to go about flirting, but the soundless golf clap Luan and Benny gave gave a bit more confidence.
"Hmmm," Paula gave a little hum and fixed her hair, "Not a problem…" Lynn cleared her throat and Paula caught herself, "A-anyways, yeah sure. About Cici: her last boyfriend lasted about 4 weeks. Uh, I think his name was like 'Keith' or something, which is weird, he's like the only white dude I know named 'Keith'... He was the star quarterback and got a full-ride scholarship to the University of Alabama- or something. I dunno what the place is called, dunno why there would be a college that just studies Alabama, I think I'm just gonna get my associates at Community College or something… But yeah, usually Cici's boyfriend's veer on the athletic side, but I think she went out with some guy in Band, I think he was in drumline or something? Every dude that's with her claims that she doesn't put out or anything, but I swear I just overheard Keith talk just now about how he checked his V-card last night, but they broke up last week sooooo maybe that wasn't her?"
Lincoln and Benny were taking turns punching Luan's new teddy bear while Luan was controlling its arms and fighting back.
"Uh, okay… Is Keith there?" Lynn asked Paula.
"Yeah? Wait-" Paula raised her eyebrows, "Dude- you- you can't just like ask if Cici p-"
"Watch me." Lynn snorted, "Put him on the phone…"
"Dude, Lynn." Lincoln said over his shoulder as he accidentally socked Luan in the face, "I don't really care about what bases Cici has or hasn't run, dogg. That's kinda gross, and not PG-13…"
"Then cover your ears if you can't handle some minor adult themes, baby boy." Lynn rolled her eyes. Lincoln rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the bear to be met with a punch from Luan, Benny laughed and was immediately met with an eye-poke from Lincoln and collapsed, Luan then flicked Lincoln on his sore nose and joined her boyfriend on the floor.
"Uh- oh, shi- hey LYNNSANITY!" A nondescript Guy Who Does Football filled the screen and a bunch of voices started chanting LYNNSANITY, Lynn basked in their adoration for a bit before going on.
"Yo, Keith, you bang Cici?" Lynn bluntly asked.
The Football Guy spat out his soft drink back into his red solo cup, "Dude, come ooooon, that's embarrassing…" Football Guy brought the phone closer to his face and whispered, "Gosh, Lynn, what gives? That's like personal…"
"Just curious, my dude," Lynn shrugged, "Spit it out."
Keith sighed and took a deep breath to steel himself, "I'm- I'm gay… me and Francisco hooked up last night and-"
Lynn was horrified, "OH SNAP, DUDE, S- SORRY!" Lynn bit her tongue and grimaced, "Man. Man. That was a huge foul. I- I'm sorry I was so pushy, dude…"
Lincoln, Luan, and Benny shot Lynn looks that screamed "I told you sooooooo" and Lynn flinched as if each of the looks were punches.
Football Guy sighed, "Nah- Don't worry about it- It's just like, kinda new for me, I guess? Sorta embarrassing, but," Keith let out a deep breath, "Guess I ought to live up to who I am."
Lynn covered her eyes with one hand and was shaking the phone with the other, "Y-yeah dude, th-that rules. Uh, jeez, man I'm sorry…"
"Don't worry about it, Lynnsanity! Hey- get your ass over here, dude! This is like my last party here and you haven't shown up to one once! Kinda hurts my feelings…" Keith flashed puppy dog eyes and that only got Lynn to sink deeper into embarrassment.
"S-sorry, Keith, I don't really go to parties, but uh, it was, um, cool talking to you." Lynn sank to the floor and grimaced as she lifted the phone above her head.
Lincoln quickly took the phone from Lynn's hand and Lynn curled up into a ball between the giant teddy bear's legs.
"Hey, Keith. Congrats on getting into 'Bama, uh" Lincoln quickly squinted his eyes at a Zikipedia article on his phone, "Roll tide."
"Yo, Lincoln, right? Dude, thanks man, I count my blessings every day. Hey- gotta hand the phone to Paula, but dude: think about Football for highschool. You get some training done, and with those shoulders? Linebacker material, word is bond."
Lincoln tried and failed to hold back his laughter at that, Luan and Benny both joined him.
"I mean, seriously, Lincoln, think about it," Paula mused, "If you really wanna get chicks: sports are the way to go."
"Sure," Benny quipped, "If this was like a 90's sitcom or something, but look at ya boi, Benny: Theater Geek and I got the hottest babe in High School"
Luan swooned at Benny flexing his lack of muscles and purred, "Oh, my Benny... The very image of Adonis. Only fitting for I, Luan Loud, The Hottest Babe In High School to stand beside such a chiseled specimen of man…"
"Dude, put those guns away!" Lincoln cautioned Benny in mock seriousness.
"C'mon, Linc'... Michigan is open-carry!" Benny laughed as he relaxed his posture.
Paula broke out in laughter, "Dude you guys rule… hey, listen the party, like, just started: you guys should swing by. And drag Lynn with you, I don't care if you have to hogtie her."
"Idonwannago!" Lynn whined, "I'm so weird and awkward and I'm just gonna embarrass myself more…"
"I mean, yeah, with that attitude…" Luan shook her head and stood her up and jostled her, "Listen, all your friend's are there and they want you to show up. You either leave this place in one piece or in a body bag…"
"Need me to grab the tools from my trunk?" Benny gave a dark chuckle before continuing, "Listen, Lynn, if there is someone out there who knows how to make an ass out of themselves it's me and your sister. Shoot, I'd say that we pretty much base our whole personalities over being as insufferable as possible- but listen: just show up, you don't have to act a certain way. Just be yourself. And if you wanna leave, just say it and we'll all get outta there ASAP, scout's honor."
Lincoln opened his mouth, "Go."
Lynn rolled her eyes and nodded with a sigh, "Fine. I'll go put my dancin' shoes on…" and stomped to her room.
"Uh, Lynn has dancing shoes?" Lincoln was met with a shrug from Luan, "Well, whatever- Hey, sorry, Paula. I can't hang tonight, it's been a pretty hectic day for me. And uh, I got a new bigger room today so I'm kinda looking forward to my first night."
Paula's face went red and she fought in vain to not let this next sentence come out of her mouth: "Whoa, that's cool, m-maybe you can give me a tour or something the next time I'm-"
"Whoa! Hey there you are, babe! What's up? You've been running around all night, you gotta try out the goat milk that dude Liam brought-" A frothy glass of milk was shoved into Paula's face and a droplet landed on her shirt, "Oh whoops- PARTY FOUL!" The glass was taken off screen and sounds of chugging and chants of "GO GO GO GO GO!" Filled the hallway.
"Oh, nothing is up," Paula smiled through clenched teeth, "Just talking with Lincoln, Lynn's little brother, you know… Lincoln Loud?"
A congratulatory WHOOP WHOOP was heard off-screen and the voice grimaced and gave a milk induced moan, "Whoa, Lincoln Loud? The dude with the 'tude? That guy rule-"
"Actuuuuually, he is the MAN with the plan." Paula put some extra stress on the "m" word, "He said he was going to give me a tour of his new room…"
"Nice, babe! Okay, can- can I come? I heard he has like secret Flippee flavors…" Lincoln squinted his eyes at that, someone squealed.
"No, sorry dear…" Paula moved to pat her boyfriend's arm and gave Lincoln a smile, "It's a private affair…"
"Dang… welp, your friends are your friends, Paula! Just put in a good word for me!"
"Oh, sure… not a problem. I'll try, but we might not be doing a lot of talking…" Paula rolled her eyes and returned her attention to Lincoln, "I'll give you a call, Lincoln." And hung up with a lip-biting smirk.
The screen blipped out and Lincoln was face to face with his reflection on the black screen. He was horrified.
"Duuuuuuuuude," Benny ran his hands through his hair, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude," Benny continued to run his hands through his air and anxiously spun around, "Dude." He stopped and placed his hands on Lincoln's shoulders, "You. Are. In. Trouble."
Lincoln handed the phone to a shocked Luan and screamed into the giant teddy's tummy, "arrrrrghwhattheheckwhattheheck?whatwasthatwhydidthathappenshehasaboyfriend?" Lincoln felt Luan pet his shaking back and he calmly withdrew from the teddy and brushed his hair back only for it to fall down and droop on his forehead, "Welp. Okay. That happened… And it was kinda my fault? Because I did hit on her a bit…"
Luan and Benny gave a simple nod in response.
"So, Paula has a boyfriend, that, uh," Lincoln pulled out his phone, typed something and squinted at it, the lights went out in his eyes, "That she's been dating for almost two years, apparently…"
Luan and Benny nodded.
Lincoln started pacing, "And she clearly has the hots for me- right? I'm not just being weird this time, right?"
Luan and Benny nodded.
"Okay, okay," Lincoln stopped pacing and took a deep breath, "And she implied that she wanted to have an affair with me?"
Luan and Benny nodded.
"An affair. With me."
Luan and Benny nodd-
"Okay, stop that." Lincoln sighed, "Uh… I guess I can use some advice right now? What do you got, Luan?"
"Well…" Luan squinted her eyes, "Uh…" She looked at Benny who very quickly did a chopping motion at his neck, "Yeah, uh, Bro?"
"Yes, my sweet dear sister Luan?" Lincoln looked at her with pleading eyes, "My wonderful older sister who promised to help me out in my time of need? My wise and experienced guardian who always has my back?"
"Yo- you're not making this easy, Linc…" Luan sighed, "I, uh, wasn't really expecting this… um… I mean, he can't do it, right?" Luan shot a look of confused horror to Benny.
"Oh, absolutely not." Benny let out a low whistle and hooked his thumbs through his belt loops, "Like, you can't be mackin' on another dude's lady, that's like day one stuff. And it'd be bad for both your reputation and Paula's…"
"Okay, well, yeah," Lincoln nodded his head and motioned for them to continue, "I knew that, I'm just wondering how to handle this…"
"Okay, okay, uh, I guess we don't know the whole picture…" Luan tried to reason, "Uh, it seemed like Paula and her boyfriend didn't really get along…"
Lincoln put his thumb to his chin and nodded, "Okay… okay…" He nodded more vigorously and pointed his finger in the air, "Maybe she's looking for an easy way to break it off… and her idea is to use me and be all 'sorry, darling, but there's another man'…"
Benny pursed his lips and nodded, "Yeah, that tracks."
"But the problem," Lincoln pressed his hands together and pointed at himself, "Is that the 'other man' is ME."
Luan and Benny both nodded and spoke, "Yeah, that is bad."
"Okay, just, play it by ear? Or something? Y- you can't really blow her off…" Luan tried to calm him down, Lincoln was doing Lori's Eye Twitch again.
"Wait, why can't he just ignore her?" Benny asked, genuinely curious.
"Because despite maybeprobablydefinitely having ill intentions," Lincoln answered with a defeated sigh, "She's still a lady… and I should at least give her a bit of my time…"
"Okay, yes, I am proud of you and all for being a gentleman and exhibiting tact-" Luan patted Lincoln's shoulder and quickly gripped it, "But make sure that time is all that you are giving her, do you understand me, Lincoln Loud?"
"Please, please stop being gross." Lincoln whined and covered his ears, "I am still a baby boy. I haven't even kissed a girl and with tongue, I am not ready for these mild adult situations."
Benny gave Lincoln a small condolence pat, "Sorry, Linc, you know how Loud girls are…" Luan raised her eyebrows at Benny and gave him a look, "They can be a little intense sometimes, but they mean well." He quickly clarified.
"Fine," Luan rolled her eyes and kissed Benny on the cheek, "I suppose we can be a bit intense sometimes, but I am really just doubling down so Lincoln gets an idea of how serious this stuff is."
"Yeah, I am well aware." Lincoln sighed, "I just figured you'd at least wait 30 minutes between traumatizing memories, hopefully my future therapist is a bit patient…"
Luan scratched the back of her neck, "S-sorry, Lincoln, It's just like my elder-sister instinct making me all protec-"
"HIIIIYAAA" Lynn kicked her door open and struck a battle pose, "Got my war face on, if I'm going through with this I'm going balls out, check it," Lynn spun around, "How do I look? I'm thinking: Eleven Out of Ten…"
Lynn was wearing a V-neck cut long-sleeved black shirt with billowing sleeves that showed off her (lack of) cleavage. Her shirt was tucked into a pair of bright red high-waisted shorts adorned with golden buttons that ran parallel down her hip bones, little golden #1's adorned each button. She had a pair of black and white tap dancing shoes and a pair of knee length black socks. Around her neck was a completely iced out Cuban chain that had the words "NUMERO UNO" written in cursive font adorned in fake ruby and diamonds hanging, a Christmas gift from Pop-Pop and Myrtle. Her "war face" was tastefully done cat-eye eyeliner and pale grey eyeshadow, she had red lipstick on.
"Duuuuuuude," Lincoln quickly took out his phone and grabbed Lynn for a selfie, he threw on a Sid Viscous lip grimace and pointed two fingers at the camera, Lynn sported a mean look of her own and flipped the camera off, Lincoln uploaded the photo to his SnipChat story and continued, "Totally badass, you look like a rock and roll Mindy Mouse!"
"Okay," Luan squinted her eyes at Lincoln and flicked his forehead, "You need to work on your compliments." She then returned to Lynn, "You look great! D- did you do your own makeup?"
"Pffft, heck naw," Lynn brushed that question off, "Apparently this is how Lucy does her makeup every day, so she was able to slap it on real fast…"
"O-oh," Luan was taken aback by that, "Huh… I guess you learn something new everyday…"
"Oh my god," Laughed Benny, "A- are those tap dancing shoes? Is that what you meant by dancin' shoes? That rules!"
Lynn immediately started panicking, "What? Huh? Waitisthatweird? I- I thought people danced at parties! Sh-should I grab a different pa-"
Luan lightly slapped Benny on the back of his head, "No! You don't have to. And yeah, people dance, but they look cute! B-but if you want to grab an extra pair downstairs to leave in that car that'd be fine…"
"Y-yeah, let's do that…" Lynn click-clacked down the stairs holding her arm with her head downcast, "manidontevenknowhowtopicksomegotdarnshoes…"
Luan followed her and shot Benny an apologetic look, Benny sighed and mouthed an "I'm sorry…"
"Hey, man," It was Lincoln's turn to give Benny a condolence pat, "I thought it was a nice compliment…"
"Thanks, Lincoln," Benny cheered up and gave a mock whimper and mimed wiping a tear from his eye, "I really needed to hear that…" Benny's face lit up and he quickly fumbled in his B&D swag-bag, "Iiiiiii, got you this!"
Lincoln was handed a sealed doll and squinted his eyes at it while Benny continued talking, "Now, I know it's a bootleg, but I figured you like Ace Savvy enough to at least find it like ironic or some-"
"Benny. H-holy sh- Holy Ace McFREAKIN' Savvy," Lincoln's eyes widened in awe as he looked up from the doll and back at Benny's face, "Do- do you have any idea what this is?"
Benny tugged at his collar and was taken aback, "Uh… a bootleg High Card knock-off Cynthia Doll?"
"No- well, I mean yeah, technically," Lincoln quickly took off his leather jacket and threw it on the floor because he started sweating, "Every single Full House Gang merchandise product is bootleg, I made sure to secure merchandising rights…"
"W-wait…" Benny was confused, "You made the Full House Gang?"
"Uh, y-yeah…" Lincoln was hesitating explaining the whole background of it, and the subsequent legal battle that got him black-listed from the comic industry.
"Oh, that's cool!" Benny pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully, "And kinda makes sense, know that I think about it critically…"
"W-wait…" Lincoln was stunned, "You believe me? I don't have to show you my presentation about it?"
"What? No. Why woul-" Benny slapped his forehead and gave Lincoln a smirk, "Dude, you could tell me like the most buck-wild happenstance and I'd believe you. Because you are the most buck-wild kemosabe I have ever had the pleasure of knowing."
"Thanks Benny… that means a lot to me…" Lincoln was almost at a loss for words.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I rule and I'm the best, tell me something I don't know," Benny waved Lincoln's adoration away, "No, I mean that seriously, tell me something I don't know: what makes this bootleg so special?"
"Okay, so," Lincoln held a finger gun up to the doll, "This thing right here was the reason why I remembered to re-up the merchandising clause with Key Comics, I saw it passed along forums online, they were going to do a whole line of Cynthia Doll x Full House Gang tie-ins. They only ended up making a High Card prototype to show off at the Royal Palms Comic Convention Center, one out of box and 19 other units in-box. Real, hush-hush, they tried to slip it under the radar but people took photos…"
"S-so, why was it in that crane game?" Benny asked.
"I got two guesses," Lincoln paced along the hallway, "Either something slipped up and for some reason one of the 20 made ended up in that cabinet, or most likely the same factory that produced the prototypes just produced more without permission…"
"Huh," Benny nodded and took a look at the packaged doll, "That kinda checks out, the box barely has any labeling at all, just H Card in block letters, and there are some spots on the box that looked like they got some of the wording photoshopped out sloppily."
Lincoln squinted at the box, "Dude, wait," Lincoln quickly pointed at a raised piece on the box, "That looks like tape or something… I think they just slapped stickers on the logos… either they are really lazy or this is the real deal…"
Benny put his hands on his hips and nodded, "Daaaang, well either way: it's all yours. I mean- you created High Card, only makes sense that you get it. She's based off of Lori, right?"
"Yeah, I guess it's like a Lori doll…" Lincoln laughed, "Kinda funny. Thanks, Benny. This rules."
Benny let out a chuckle, "Not a problem, my du-"
"Alright, okay. I got some shoes that don't make me look like an insane person." Lynn climbed the stairs with Luan behind her, she was wearing a smart pair of black Mary Jane's with golden buckles.
"Yeah, they look great," Lincoln remembered something and his face contorted into a fearful grimace, "D-did Paula ask about me?"
Lynn rolled her eyeballs, "Yeah yeah, ladykiller, I gave her your number. I could practically feel her drool through her texts, apparently you were sending her signals…"
"Okay," Lincoln sighed and steadied himself, "So when were you going to tell me she has a freakin' boyfriend?"
Lynn's face pulled back in confusion, "Uh? I did? Like almost a year and a half ago?- Wow, time flies by… annnnyways, yeah they are in an open relationship, I told you that already," Lynn's face lit up in realization, "Oh! They are just listed as 'In A Relationship' on Facebook because their parents would probably flip if they found out they weren't, like, uh- 'Monogolous'? Monogamous? I dunno what the word is. I just figured you kinda knew and were okay with it because you're like open-minded or something…"
"Ohhhhh…" Lincoln, Benny, and Luan gasped.
"Okay, I guess that's a little bit better…" Lincoln calmed down a bit before shooting up again, "Wait, wait, wait, is that fine?" Lincoln looked at Benny and Luan who just shrugged, "Man. I guess I should uh, sleep on it or something… I- it seems like things got a lot more complicated…"
"Buck up, Stinkcoln," Lynn laughed, "If I remember correctly: you just looove complicating things, you and Paula have that in common. You're basically, like, a walkingand talking complication."
"Alright, well you have fun with that, Lincoln." Luan nervously placated Lincoln, "You'll definitely learn something, I just don't know what."
"Yeah, dude… hate to be in your musty tennis shoes…" Benny checked his watch, "Alright, you girls ready?"
The two girls nodded, Benny reached out to give Lincoln a fist-bump that Lincoln received. Lincoln then immediately gripped Benny's hand.
"Make sure they are back at a reasonable hour," Lincoln said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, "And in one piece."
"Jeez, Lincoln!" Luan slapped Lincoln's hand and hugged Benny, "You sound like mom and dad sometimes… and it isn't that kind of party. Those guys are a bunch of posers who drink, like, juice out of solo cups to look cool, now a Luan Loud Rager is much mo-"
"Much more what?" The bathroom door opened and Rita and Lynn Sr. stepped out adorned in color-coded bathrobes.
"A much more sophisticated and respectable affair, hahahAHA… ha…" Luan let out a shaky chuckle, "H-how long have you guys been in there?"
"Oh, since you guys started the FaceTime call- oh, and Lincoln!" Dad went up and shook Lincoln's hand, "Good on you for finally having the courage t- to… to," His father took a moment to wipe his misty eyes, "To start dating…" Rita went up to pat his back and Lynn Sr. broke out in tears and mussed up Lincoln's hair, "Is- is that pomade?! They grow up sooooo faaaaast!"
"Yes, sweetie, we trust you to make wise decisions… And congratulations on moving into Lori and Leni's room, we kinda figured you would just take it when you outgrew the closet…" Rita raised an eyebrow, "Guess we shoulda been more clear that was an option- Sorry, haha!"
Lincoln waited for them to stop hugging him, "Thanks, uh-" Lincoln scratched his head, "I will be coming to you guys," Lincoln eyed both of his parents with a squint, "Separately, for advice about… uh… Situations… in the near future. I- I thought I'd give you a heads up."
"Not a prob, champ!" Lynn Sr. slapped his son on the back, "I always got time for… for… for my little maaaan…" He started crying again.
"There, there, Lynn." Rita took her husband by the arm and made for the stairs, "I appreciate the heads up- maybe I'll read up on some literature or something… oh, and Benny?"
"Y-yes, Mrs. Loud?" Asked Benny.
"Make sure they are back by 4." Rita gave the kids a smile and waved goodbye.
"Wait? 4? Are you sure, dear?" Rita quickly hushed her husband and the 4 kids upstairs waited till they heard a door close to release their held-in breaths.
"Alright, peace, Dude" Lynn lightly socked Lincoln's shoulder and went downstairs, "Enjoy the new room!"
"Yeah, Linc, you deserve it!" Luan and Benny waved him goodbye as they left to head off to Hunnicutt Farms.
"All's well that ends-" Lincoln shrugged, "Uh… okay? Complicated?I dunno, whatever."
Lincoln turned around to be greeted with the sight of Lucy and Lola and promptly jumped a foot and a half into the air, "Holycrapwhat?"
"Greetings, Lincoln." Lucy greeted with a morose smile, "We took the liberty of placing your dresser into your closet after hanging up and folding your laundry."
"I-I promise I did not take the opportunity to look through your stuff, this time…" Lola shuffled and looked at the floor.
"Thanks, guys! That was real nice of y- Wait," Lincoln noted their dour moods, "What is this about?"
The two sisters looked at each other and Lucy took the initiative, "Sigh. We are sorry about the Ronnie Anne Debacle and the stress that it caused you…"
"S-sorry for traumatizing you, Lincoln." Lola stammered out, "We didn't mean to…"
Lincoln laughed and bent down to ruffle Lola's hair, "Listen: do not get a weird complex about that or something. Me and RA already hashed things out, it's all good."
The two of them nodded their heads and slowly cast their eyes to meet his, Lincoln noted Lola's misty eyes and Lucy's small tremors.
"Okay, okay," Lincoln softened his voice, "If that, or something else, is bothering me I'll talk to you guys about it. I promise. I don't need you guys feeling guilty over something like this. And I expect you all to do the same. If there is something on your mind, something weighing you down: let me know. We will work through it. As a family."
Lincoln gave the two of them a hug that they returned.
"Okay, good." Lola wiped her eyes with a gloved hand, "And you better let me know if you're feeling icky! I'll find out if you're lying to me, Lincoln."
"Sigh." Lucy gave a small smile, "I suppose I will be relying on you for your continued support, Lincoln."
"I wouldn't have it any other way," Lincoln yawned, "Now- Get. To. Bed. It's, like, sleepy o'clock or something…"
The two of them saluted by reflex and went to their doors, Lincoln felt odd. A tiny knot in his stomach formed, out of recognition. He stole a glance at the doll in his hands and understood.
He then made his way to his new room. Lola opened her door with a smile and stepped into her noisy room, Lucy sighed in relief as she entered her, for once, silent room.
Lincoln sighed in relief as he stepped into the crisp air of his new room and quickly shut the lights off. He quickly walked up to the dresser to change into his pajamas and spotted his walkie talkie. He replaced the walkie talkie with the doll and pressed a button while he changed.
"Code Azure."
A short moment of silence filled the air before a cheer erupted from the old speaker, "BROOOOOO, you finally got Lori and Leni's room? About freakin' time! How about we meet up tomorrow with The Gang, Code Puce."
Lincoln chuckled, "Yeah, Dude. Slumberparty sounds great… Alright," Lincoln yawned into the mic, "Gonna hit the hay now. Love you, man."
"Right back at you, my dude. Enjoy the new bachelor pad!"
Lincoln sat the purple walkie talkie next to the doll box. Pale moonlight cast through the window blinds and illuminated High Card's painted-on eyes and Lincoln caught himself staring into them. He slowly brought his gaze to the reflection in the mirror, chuckled, shook his head, and turned around.
Lincoln brought his hands to his hips and gave a small laugh at his new roommate, the girls opted to tuck Bun-Bun into Leni's bed. His little arm's dangling outside the sheets.
Lincoln climbed into bed and turned over to face Bun-Bun, the stuffed rabbit stared blissfully at the ceiling of his new room.
"You're right, Bun-Bun…" Lincoln turned onto his back with a smile and closed his eyes, "A guy can get used to this…"
Lincoln Loud fell fast asleep.
"Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own"
Blue Moon by Frank Sinatra
END OF DAY ONE