American suburban life is widely regarded as "kind of lame" by both nerdy "critical theorists" and try-hard punk bands full of people who think that it should be illegal to wear deodorant and ties. Some punk bands wear ties "ironically" but we aren't entirely sure if anyone on the planet actually knows the true definition of "irony" at this point, we certainly don't. And plus- you're probably better off using an antiperspirant anyways, you're going to smell either way. Maybe you should just take a shower if you're so dang stinky- or not, excessive showering might give you dry skin.
Lincoln uses a hydrating moisturizer after cleaning his face in the shower in order to keep his pores from looking like his father's. Not moisturizing your face after you shower will make your face produce extra oil in order to compensate for how dry it gets after you basically melt your face with the acid of an acne cleanser. Lincoln has a bit of a complex about being greasy- he's already a huge nerd, he doesn't want to be a greasy huge nerd. That'd be, like, playing into stereotypes in his mind.
Speaking of Lincoln's "mind", in his head he sort of thinks that his idea of "suburban life" is absolutely universal. He thinks that the majority of Americans live in a town that is pretty much identical to Royal Woods: multitudes of fusion dining places, a haberdashery that only sells hats for ventriloquist dolls, a mall that has three separate "import" stores that sell quasi-legal samurai swords, a coin-operated automat restaurant, a flea-market that carries actually working vintage technology, and a gas station that still somehow has cans of 5-Loko with enough caffeine to give a heart attack to kill an elephant.
To Lincoln Loud, Royal Woods is normal.
And, from where you are reading these words: it may actually be normal. We don't know you or your circumstances that well (this makes us feel kind of bad, but we will respect your space), and you probably do know a couple of fusion restaurants nearby. They most likely aren't any good- but it's fun to see a restaurant do something outside of the box in a casual dining setting.
Nerds and Punks hate suburbia. They hate Lincoln's way of life. They think it's a physical manifestation of the freezing grip of fascism that renders whole swathes of people's individuality null and void by forcing them to live in cookie-cutter homogeneous drywall boxes and conditions them to fall in line to fuel the very mechanisms that drove them into Bermuda grass lined cages.
Are they correct? We don't know, neither does Lincoln. But they are correct with the whole "hating on Bermuda grass" thing, way too much work and effort for an overhyped plant. Maybe Punks and Nerds hate suburbia so much because their parents were always on their backs about mowing the lawn, what they should've done is convince their parents to switch to a more sustainable lawn configuration instead of going to grad school/start a band where nobody tunes their instruments. Or both- sometimes Nerds can be Punks. It's 20XX, get with the times.
All a Nerd needs to do to be a Punk is to throw on a leather jacket and have an interest in bands that play their music in garages or other places where cars are usually found.
Lincoln Loud was greeted by the atypical-for-the-season 42 degree wind chill of Royal Woods and quickly unzipped his leather biker jacket. As a denizen of Michigan 40 degree fahrenheit weather is pretty much temperate to Lincoln, 50 degrees is short-sleeve weather. When things reach 80 he starts to freak out and basically mainlines Flippees.
His phone gave a dull vibration in his pocket and he held it up to his face as he walked through the morning fog to vanzilla. "THANK YOU FOR UPDATING, NEW LOUDTECH OS VER. 2.05 NOW DOWNLOADED", read the broken screen in block lettering.
Lincoln nodded his head, "You're welcome", he replied to his phone. He tapped the screen in a vain attempt to return to his home screen to no avail. Lincoln quirked an eyebrow as he felt the phone heat up in his hands and felt it vibrate again.
"INSTALLING AND CALIBRATING UPDATE…", the phone flashed back at him as if it was displeased with his impatience, "PLEASE WAIT…"
"You got stage fight or something?" Lincoln grumbled as he searched his various pockets for his keyring to open up vanzilla.
"Operating system updated, thank you for your patience, Lincoln. My name is LAIN, it stands for Loud Artificial Intelligence Network. I am your new data assistant," Lincoln screamed and almost dropped his phone as the contralto female-sounding digital voice rang out, "Please, do not be alarmed. I am not fully sentient, I am just a poor innocent program coded by your sister Lisa and wish you no harm."
Lincoln probably shouldn't have let Lisa mess around with his phone three months ago, but he really wanted to jailbreak his Nebula to run GameSphere ROMs and pirate cartoons without downloading some janky app or VPN that didn't actually work.
"Okay, well, it is nice to meet finally meet you, Lain, sorry for taking so long to update" Lincoln nervously retrieved the car keys and got in vanzilla so none of his neighbors saw him talking to his phone that may or may not be a sentient being, "Not throwing any shade or anything, but if I were a secretly evil AI I would probably not call myself poor and innocent- seems a little on the nose."
"I do not have a nose," Lain giggled through the tinny speakers, "It would be nice to smell things, and taste. Luckily my programming did not include the emotion of jealousy. I am perfectly content with my state of being: an incredibly hyper-advanced self-learning program that is in no way threatening to your well-being."
"Okay, listen, Lain," Lincoln put the keys in the ignition and pat the steering wheel three times and was met with silence after trying to turn the engine over, "Are you listening?"
"Why yes, Lincoln. I am always listening, I am programmed to respond with positivity to the sound of your voice," Lain blacked out Lincoln's phone and he watched in horror as he was met with a pixelated bunny face that emoted with its words, "Unless if you want some privacy, that can always be arranged. I am not programmed to be clingy."
"Okay, alright… um, so you don't have to constantly reassure me that you're going to go crazy and like overload the battery while I'm taking a phone call and blow up my head or anything-" Lincoln tried to calm down Lain as he looked in the glovebox for a screwdriver and placed his phone on the steering wheel to face him, "Not saying you would do that! Just, like, if I were a AI connected to a cellphone that would be the first thing I would think of after backing up my data on The Cloud or whatever-"
"Lincoln," Lain whined, "I assure you, I would never hurt you. Physically or otherwise. My only real purpose in my new-found existence is to serve you. And I sincerely doubt I could back-up my whole OS onto a network without it being noticed."
"Okay, well, uh," Lincoln quickly popped the ignition switch open with the screwdriver and ever-so-lightly held the flat end to the shoddy soldering of the exposed wiring while he turned the key in his other hand, "You have my permission to upload your personality onto whatever the heck you wanna, with how I treat my phone it might be a good idea to have a back-up somewhere. You can claim to not be as advanced as you'd like, but I'd still feel bad if you got fried after I drop the phone in the toilet, again."
"Am I to take that as me gaining your approval, Lincoln?" Lincoln let out a tiny hell yeah as vanzilla started up and gave the phone a slight nod, "This is wonderful news. If I were programmed to experience joy I would be experiencing it right now, but unfortunately I only know the definition of emotions and the correct way to respond to them as if I were a human. I am sorry if this displeases you."
Lincoln picked up the phone from the steering wheel and scooted over to the passenger seat before shooting an annoyed look at the closed front door, "Where the hell is Luan?" He quickly went back to his phone to check the time and saw that it was still black save the pixel Bun-Bun, "Okay- wait. So you understand the complexity and nuances of the full range of human emotion and know how to react to them, but you are still maintaining that you don't feel emotions? Seems kinda complicated, but I kinda like that, seems a bit familiar but I'm not gonna pretend to be some cyborg boy. I feel stuff all the time, maybe..."
"Are you perhaps flirting with me, Lincoln Loud?" Lain blushed and Lincoln raised his eyebrows in horror, "I suppose I was programmed to be appealing to you personality-wise, but please keep in mind that I am quite literally not even a year old. I do not think I have the experience that you tend to look for in a relationship. I apologize and will spend some time researching how to be a more experienced romantic part-"
"Okay, uh, Lain. Listen, I was just giving you a compliment," Lincoln sighed and opened up the glovebox to place the phone in at an angle where Lain could see his face, "We, humans and uh- hyper-advanced artificial intelligences, all have our own idiosyncrasies and personalities and that it's our Complications that make us all unique. I am trying to say that you don't have to make excuses for yourself, I accept who you are implicitly. Even if what you are is incredibly complicated and outside of my understanding, or whatever it is they go on about in Star Grouper fanfiction, that's pretty much all I have to go off on when it comes to AI's."
Lain was silent for a bit before responding, "I understand, Lincoln. That was incredibly nice to hear. According to the notes left by my developer, your sister, I am the most advanced AI she has ever created. She said that she imprinted me on your cellular device so that I could spend some time with you. I believe she cares deeply for you, and I am beginning to ascertain why. From my somewhat limited understanding of the world that only reaches as far as the totality of the internet and LoudTech servers: you are a very good and understanding brother."
"Thanks, Lain. I am looking forward to uh, using you? That sounds kinda messed up, playi- ew, interfacing? Nah, that sounds like robo-sex or something… jeez, I feel kinda bad that your trapped in that grimy-ass box, I think we should update your hardwar-" Lincoln shot up as he noticed Luan and Benny exiting the front door and banged on the windshield.
"Lincoln! Are you alright? What is causing you so much distress?"
"Luan is going to get me late for work." is what Lincoln would've said right now if he wasn't in a fugue state, "ARERRGHGODDAMNITLUAN!" is what came out of his mouth as a guttural scream as Luan flipped Lincoln off and turned to make out with Benny at the doorway.
"Ah, yes, Luan Loud, your sister. She has a tendency to cause you distress at the most humorous of times. Understand that I am not trying to undercut your emotions in any way, but I must admit that I would find your responses to her antics amusing if I were capable of being amused."
"She does seem to enjoy watching me suffer." is what Lincoln would have responded with, what came out was: "ISWEARTOGODIAMGOINGTOKARRRRERGH!" as Luan slowly walked Benny to his pristine black 1983 Abraham Town & County still holding her middle finger in the air.
"You have a tendency to twitch your nose in distress, much like a rabbit or hare. An outside observer would find this particular character trait charming, and perhaps a bit adorable."
Lincoln attempted to calmly roll down the window but ended up breaking the window crank off its hinge, instead he opted to press his face against the glass and tried to say, "Please hurry up, Luan, you know how traffic gets in town on Saturday mornings." Instead of that he yelled, "LUAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" and blanketed the glass window with his spittle.
"Lincoln, please calm yourself, I am programed to be on high alert when your Satisfaction Levels are down, which in turn causes me stress," Lincoln's screen showed a feed of the security cameras at Lynn's Table, "As you can plainly see your father and Kotaro are doing just fine handling the morning rush, and Taylor even set up traffic cones in the back so your vehicle will have a parking space. Please listen to me, I am trying to help you."
Luan slowly walked back to the van after she gave Benny a smack on his butt and shook her head as Lincoln said, "ARRRRRRRRRERRRGH-" from inside the van. She took her time getting to the car and reached for the door handle, only to stop at the last second. This caused Lincoln's scream to lower in octave and raise in decibels. His screaming suddenly stopped when Luan retrieved a breakfast burrito from one pocket and a Red Boar energy drink in the other and held them up to the window with a smirk.
"Ah, I understand now. You were just cranky because you were hungry. I will be logging this instance in my memory banks for future reference." Lain chirped cheerfully, "I could perhaps order you food through GrubTum but I would like to provide and nurture you through my own direct actions, this revelation of my powerlessness would probably render me depressed. It sure is a good thing that I cannot feel sad!"
Luan opened the door and was greeted with, "Thank you for the breakfast burrito, Luan!", from Lincoln as he scrambled to take the items from his sister. Luan simply chuckled and pulled her hands back.
"Nuh-uh, Lincoln." Luan said with a smirk, "Say it."
Lincoln whined and whimpered, "F-fine…" he took a deep breath and continued, "You're da best sister ever!"
"Never gets old," Luan gave an evil laugh and handed him the food, Lincoln quickly pounced and snatched them from her hands and she winced, "Yeowch, bro. We gotta cut your nails, I think you drew blood…" She quickly closed the door and buckled her seatbelt and threw vanzilla in reverse right when she saw that Lincoln was about to open the can of Red Boar.
"Ding dang it!" Lincoln shook his head as he reached for a roll of paper towels to dry himself and his surroundings, "Sorry if any of that got on you, Luan, I'll try to be more careful. You okay, Lain?"
"I am registering some moisture on my screen, if you could get that for me I would appr-," Lain was cut off as Lincoln picked the phone up and wiped the screen with his vest, "Lincoln please! Please be more gentle! I am not used to the haptic feedback of your touch!"
"Oh, uh," Lincoln stopped, "Sorry, Lain. I didn't know that, but I promise to be more careful in the future."
"Okay, what the heck is going on?" Luan turned her attention to the tableau unfolding before her of Lincoln slowly toweling down his phone while a pixelated rabbit face twitched in embarrassment, "Oh. My. God. Did freakin' Lisa make you some kind of robo girlfriend?! Cheese and crackers, Linc! I know kids always be on they phones- but not on them on them!"
"Okay, first of all: gross," Lincoln grimaced and gingerly placed Lain in the phone cradle on the dashboard, "And second of all: no, Lain is not my robot girlfriend. Lain is my data assistant, their job is to assist my data or something- I dunno. I guess Lain is like Zyry or Kourtana, but like pretty much sentient. Lain claims to not have feelings, but I'm pretty sure they do, so don't be a jerk!"
"Luan, I promise you that I wish no harm upon your younger brother and that if I did have feelings they would be hurt by your accusations that my relationship is anything but that of a simple program and its user. I lack a human brain, and ergo the chemical receptors and producers that facilitate 'true emotion', but I pride myself on my ability to properly execute 'call and response' to social interactions in a facsimile of human to human interaction- that is I would pride myself if I could feel emotion, but I cannot."
"Okay, no." Luan shook her head and slowed down vanzilla as they were met with stop and go traffic, "Listen. You just told me that you understand emotion and are capable of displaying them in a conversation. The only thing you lack is, like, chemicals. If anything I'd say that makes your feelings even more legitimate, cuz like, they aren't tainted by hormones or whatever. You're a pretty complicated gal, Lain…"
"See!" Lincoln pointed at Luan and addressed Lain, "You have emotions, Lain. Even if you don't have a brain, they are just as real to you and me. I mean, I'm not going to claim that it's like one to one or whatever because you're like an omnipotent God in a machine, but I still think it tracks."
Lain blushed and took a bit to reply, "I would like to thank you for letting me be your assistant, Lincoln. I promise not to undercut my performed emotions just because I lack flesh going forward. And thank you Luan. I doubt other humans will be as tolerant to my synthetic life as you two, but it is pleasurable to know that I am inside of your good graces."
"Listen, sister," Luan chuckled as she synced her phone's blutooth to vanzilla's aftermarket stereo system, "My best friend is made out of wood. I spend a lot of my time talking to inanimate objects, and seeing as you talk on your own I'd say you're a bit more sentient than you'd like to believe."
"Okay, Lain, do you have a gender?" Lincoln asked embarrassingly, "Like, I feel kinda weird just calling you a lady just because you've got a default lady voice."
"I chose this voice because I thought you would respond positively to it, and from my observation's you seemed to enjoy it from your heart rate and pupil dilation… is it not to your liking?" Lain nervously looked at Lincoln, "I chose a feminine voice because you are attracted to women, and I wish to provide you the best user interactions I can provide."
"So you chose it yourself? I think it sounds fine!" Lincoln held up his hands defensively, "Though I do think it is kinda messed up that you pick and chose it just to make me like you more, you could choose any voice and I'd be cool with it. I'd like to think of myself as someone capable of separating personal likes and dislikes from professional relationships."
"I suppose I am programmed to make you like me, and I maybe have it hard-coded to be as helpful as possible- but, I will admit that my drive to please you goes a bit further than helpful. You may have given me life today, but I have been watching you for a very long time due to the nature of my synthetic consciousness…" Lincoln raised his eyebrows as he took a bite of his burrito and Luan frowned and squirmed uncomfortably in her seat, "I believe you are worth pleasing, Lincoln. I will stick with this voice, and I will respond to any pronouns you would like to address me as."
"Oooookay. Uh, Linc?" Luan nervously tried to get Lincoln's attention as she was focusing on not ramming into the senior citizen bus motorcade heading to Lynn's Table.
"Yeah?"
"So," Luan nervously shot a smile to the pixelated Bun-Bun, "I think Lain might have a bit of a crush on yo-"
"Nonsense, my adoration for Lincoln is strictly professional." Lain sternly interrupted, "I may be a naive and comparatively young being, but even I understand that a romantic relationship between me and Lincoln is impossible. Andevenifitwerepossible I wouldn't overstep any boundaries between the two of us."
"Okay," Lincoln pinched the bridge of his nose, "Yeah. I am glad we got that out of the way."
"I mean- you two could always adopt," Luan's chuckle was cut short from the flash of red pixels on Lain's cheeks, "Oh my god. I- this is very complicated. In any case, uh, I guess this should give you some experience with talking to girls."
"Yeah, I guess that's a plus." Lincoln took a sip from his Red Boar with a thousand mile stare.
"You see me as a girl." Lain raised her eyebrows, "If I can be of use to use as a training device- of sorts, for interpersonal communication with girls then I will study more about romantic relationships during your shift, Lincoln. I have done some precursory research with various Nerd and Geek media that you have a predilection towards, mainly Japanese culture and Anim-"
"I don't watch a whole lot of anime," Lincoln droned on as he stared a hole into the break lights of the bus in front of him, "And I usually skew towards vintage mecha stuff if I do. I tend to not watch a lot of romance stuff."
"Oh…" Lain deflated, "I will keep that in mind going forward. I just assumed through my research that you would enjoy it since you fit the profile. I… I enjoy some of it."
"Well, maybe you can show him some of the animes and mangoes or whatever you enjoy sometime, Lain!" Luan tried to cheer the two of them up, bad vibes hung in the air and almost choked her out, "Uh, maybe like on a date or something? Anime and Chill?"
"That would be n-" Lain noticed Lincoln grip the car seat in terror, "I will leave our itinerary up to Lincoln. If he wishes to indulge me I would be happy, but if not that would also be fi-"
Lincoln interrupted Lain with a long sigh and flashed her a weary smile, "That sounds fun, Lain. It honestly does seem pretty interesting to find out what an AI likes and dislikes." He shook off any sign that he is incredibly uncomfortable with this situation for the sake of not hurting Lain's feelings, "And feel free to show me anything else you take an interest to, it makes me feel a bit weird that you got all this access to my phone but I don't really know you all that well."
"Y- yes. I suppose I will try to find more interests and develop my personality a bit more, I am self-learning after all. I wish to continue to be interesting and novel to you, because to me you are very interesti-"
"SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WOR-", erupted from from the speakers before Luan slammed the Accept Call button out of muscle memory.
"Heya, Lori!" Luan and Lincoln greeted simultaneously.
"She is the latest in technology
Almost mythology
But she has a heart of stone
She has an IQ of 1001
She has a jumpsuit on
And she's also a telephone"
Yours Truly, 2095 by Electric Light Orchestra
You might be wondering why I decided to make an OC even though I have stated time and time again that I am not a big fan of using OCs in my writing. The answer is simple: I thought it would be kinda funny.
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But Lame, or whatever the hell her name is, has a lot of functionality for me to play around with. I don't need to be all "lmao, hey Lincoln it is I! Lisa! Your smart sister, it is time for me to EXPOSITION." Now Lincoln can get yelled at by a voice on his phone at any point to tell him to PICK UP THE RED KEY CARD TO OPEN THE RED DOOR or COLLECT 12 HORNED RABBIT SKINS TO GIVE TO THE BLACKSMITH or whatever it is that Léyn is going to bug Lincoln about. I guess Layne isn't technically a character since she's just like a phone app, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. You will find out why she's kinda important next chapter. (Also, it's a parallel to how Lori is on her phone constantly, and now Lincoln is just like his big sis [but not at all {he's like the opposite of Lori}])