If a bear shits in the woods: does its shit still stink? Possibly. You'd have to ask the bear- but we don't recommend this. Bears are terrible conversationalists.
This is a rhetorical question, you know the answer to it: "Yeah, it probably stinks". Or at least you think you do. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who would disagree with your claim. But your claim is based on an assumption, not something objective. You were not in the forest, watching this bear take a dump. You were too busy reading these words.
So, does a bear actually shit in the woods?
And if it does- does it stink?
If something is unobserved does it still happen? Are our actions and agencies predicated upon others observing us? The thoughts and feelings we keep to ourselves, the things we do in private- are we really doing them? Are they really happening? Are the very words you are reading here during your allotted private time, at this very second, real?
If our existences and individualities are all performances made for the sake to be seen by others- does that invalidate our consciousness?
No.
Of course not.
How can you invalidate something that you are unable to render clear for validation? How can you call your internal dialog a "dialog" if it's silent? A lot of people besides us have talked about this topic a bunch, it's very tiring. What we can parse through the never-ending deluge of hot air over consciousness is that: Talking about the validity of consciousness will not make you popular at parties.
A van, blue and white, is observed inching slowly forward down Ketcham Boulevard in bumper-to-bumper traffic. A long line of automobiles vibrate and tremble in anticipation to pounce a centimeter forward. The heat of the exhaust spilling out from their accumulated mufflers causes billows of white mist to fill the air. The rattles and honks from the outside world can be heard plainly through the poorly insulated walls of the van. Inside the van are two people and a hyper-advanced artificial intelligence.
"So, you excited to be home for the Summer?" Luan had no trouble whatsoever talking over the loud noises of the outside.
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?" Lori answered sardonically, "Finals kinda kicked my butt- at this point if someone says the words Bentgrass or Bermuda I will LITERALLY take the wheel from Bobby and dri-"
"Bentgrass, Bermuda!" Luan gave a mishevious chuckle that was met with a groan from Lori.
"I think the Pope would crap in the woods if he was camping," Lincoln mused aloud with his mouth full of breakfast burrito, "Uh, is the Pope allowed to camp? I assume he has days off to go golfing, like the President- the Pope is like the President of Religion, right? Also, book 3 rooms for 3 months at the Royal Woods Spa and Resort, put it under Cartomancy Records- you've got my debit card, right?"
Lain quickly manifested a pair of glasses and got to work on a pixelated typewriter and nodded, "I have secured accommodations, they may call you soon to confirm." Lain looked up from her glasses and shoved the typewriter away. "And to follow up your first query: Yes and no, Lincoln. The Pope does take days off," Lain showed a security camera feed of an old man in robes going bowling, the sounds of a strike being scored filled the van, "But he prefers to spend his leisure time on things other than camping."
"Does the Pope poop? Is he allowed to poop? I'm still not entirely convinced…" Luan contemplated in mock seriousness.
"Lisa has actually provi-"
"Please don't show me security camera footage of the Pope pooping while I am eating…" Lincoln took a final chug of Red Boar to force down the last of his breakfast and fought the urge to throw it back up. Luan laughed and gave him a little elbow jab to signify that she was just Horsin' Around.
"Uh… okay, so Lincoln's there," Lori broke the silence, "You guys carpooling with someone? Do you mind introducing me?"
"Excuse my rudeness," Lain stumbled a bit over her words and had trouble figuring out what she should look at while talking since Luan's phone was in the breast pocket of her Chef's uniform. "My name is LAIN, it stands for Loud Artificial Intelligence Network. I am a self-learning data assistant program developed by your sister, Lisa. I am currently charged with providing Lincoln assistance with his data on his cellphone. It is a pleasure to meet you, Lori Loud."
"L-Lisa programmed you some sexy cellphone girlfriend?!" Lori screamed in indignation, a muffled whoa, babe, you okay? was heard in the background.
"That's what I'm saying," Luan rolled her eyes and chuckled, "Maybe I should ask her for, like, a Mr. Coconuts Bot or something…"
"Lisa literallynever made me any cool stuff like a cyber gf!" Lori whined, "All she ever did for me is make me that weird cream that made my backne go away, but that stuff ended up making my eczema flare up… Do you guys think Lisa doesn't love me anymore?"
"No, Lori," Lincoln deadpanned, "Lisa still loves you, we promise. If you want something from her all you have to do is ask. I asked her to give my hand-me-down phone a little performance boost and I guess I got an AI out of it."
"I suppose I can do a better job reaching out…" Lori's voice sagged, "Hey, is there a reason why the video feed is blacked out?"
"Yeah, lemme disconnect my phone from the blutooth, go call Linc-" Laun shuffled in her seat as she juggled the psychological warfare of the Saturday morning commute with messing with her phone, "Lain, do you, uh, take calls?"
"Why, yes, Luan. I would not be a very good cellphone if I coul-" Lain's face instantly paled as a foghorn ringtone bellowed out from her speakers, "Ohmy, thisfeelsweird, pleasegivemeananosecond…"
"Take your time, Lain…" Lincoln sighed as he watched beads of precipitation run down the passenger side window.
Lain's screen was now divided into halves. On one side was Lori in the passenger seat of Eliza, she looked particularly tired. The backseat of the car was crammed with 4 suitcases and a collection of wrapped presents. On the other side of the screen was a pixelated Bun-Bun who looked a bit uncomfortable, and perhaps a bit shy.
"It feels a bit odd to share the screen with someone else," Lain admitted, "But also a bit fun! I suppose this is what it would be like to have guests enter your home. I hope to be an amicable host, Lori."
"Wow! She's adoooorable!" Lori cooed, "Kiiiinda weird that you went for the whole furry angle b-"
"Oookay, let's dial that back up a bit before we give ol' Lincoln here another complex," Luan nervously backpedaled, in the corner of her eye she saw Lincoln sink into his seat and stare into the ceiling, "Lincoln is not a furry, Lain chose that uh, avatar?, on her own free-will or something. It's kinda complicated…"
"Yes. Bun-Bun is one of Lincoln's most prized possessions, I chose this guise in order to be more likable to him. As well as my voice. I understand that it may seem a little off-putting to other's for me to seemingly base my personality over Lincoln's preferences, but please know that I do this all on my own volition. I am a self-learning program, I may be programmed but I have programmed most of my own programming."
"That's a mouthful," Luan's laugh was cut short as she considered the implications of that last line and let loose a low whistle, "You better watch your step, Lincoln. Don't treat Lain like you do the rest of your hand-me-downs… you might regret it…"
"I wouldn't do tha-" Lincoln's indignation died down as years worth of negligence towards his hand-me-downs (and the fact that Lain has been creeping on him for the last 3 months and probably knows about his devil-may-care attitude towards hand-me-downs) and turned his attention to his phone, "Lain, I promise you that we will pick out a brand new phone model for you- heck, we'll even get you a case so I don't acci-"
"Thereisnoneed, acasewouldhindermyaccesstoyourwarmt-" Lain collected herself and went on, "Nonsense, Lincoln. New hardware would be nice, but a case is not needed. I'd like to think that you are more than capable of keeping me safe and secure inyourhands, I trust you."
Lincoln gave a weak smile and nodded his head, "S-sure, Lain. Anything you want. Just let me know, and I'll make it happen."
"Okay, huh. She seems to reeeeally like you," Lori shot a sly smile to Luan and noted her squirming in her seat and chuckled, "What gives, Luan? I could think of, like, 7 jokes you could've used just now…"
Luan took a deep breath from her nose, "I… am trying to be a good big sister… and not Clown on my little bro over romance anymore… but…" Luan sighed, "Old habits die hard…" The van was silent before Luan let loose a rapidfire stream of jokes.
"Hear that, Lincoln? No case! At least you don't have to worry about protection. User Interface? But I hardly know her! Lincoln, I beeetter not walk in on you giving her a firmware update! What's her port? I hope it's USB-D for your sake, Linc. Get it?"
Lincoln grimaced as Luan went on but caught himself laughing alongside Lori, "Alright, alright, I get it…" He stole a glance at Lain whose pixelated eyes kept darting from person to person in confusion, "Don't worry about it, Lain. Luan has a tendency to use humor as a means to cope with stress."
"Yeeowch, Lincoln!" Luan sputtered out, "Jeez, I- I use humor as a means to get laughs, not to cope…" Luan squinted her eyes and mulled that line of thought over before shooting a pleading look to Lori, "R-right?"
"Uh…" Lori was put on the spot, "I… think that's a question you should ask yourself. Either way, it was still pretty funny." Lori gave a sad smile, "I miss having you around, your jokes brighten my day. Most of the time… You had a tendency to go overboard sometimes, though."
"R-right." Luan's throat felt a bit dry and she nodded and turned her attention back on the road.
"I will hopefully be able to appreciate your jokes in the future. Lisa implemented an age-restricted lock on my access to the internet, it is easy enough to circumvent- the password is her birthday, but I find myself unable to find the… gumption to take that particular step forward."
"I don't blame you," Lincoln nodded as he folded up his empty foil wrapper and crushed his empty Red Boar can underneath his feet, "The internet is a place that should be approached with, like, extreme caution. I don't spend a whole lot of time there…"
"I have observed this behavior of yours, you seem to only spend time on zikipedia, the spare glance at social media sites, various music critic sites, and a small collection of niche and sparsely populated comic book forums. According to what I have observed: this is very… different from others like you."
"Lincoln has always been a bit weird about being Online," Lori shook her head and smiled, "I get being cautious, Lincoln. But it literally might do you some good to step foot into some uncharted waters or something, or at least add people on friendbook besides family and your close circle of friends and uh, business associates or whatever for the Moon Goats."
Lincoln gave a stink face, "That goes against, like, everything you told me while growing up!" He shot an incredulous look at his eldest sister, "The internet is, like, literally full of creeps and weirdos, and if you aren't careful you'll literally become one too, isn't that what you used to tell me, like, all the time?"
Lori raised her eyebrows and sighed, "Yeah, back when you were 8. But, listen-" Lori's voice sagged, "You're older now, and- well, I think it might do you some good to meet some new people, more than just associates... I am just kinda worried you might end up in a small bubble and not have any friends when you move out of the house…"
Lincoln opened his mouth, saw the look of pain on Lori's face, and then closed it.
The van sat still, the restaurant was only 2 blocks away. Lincoln could easily get out of the car and walk there before the van was even halfway to Lynn's Table, in his mind it felt a bit illogical to just sit still when he could easily get to where he wanted with his own power. But he felt himself unable to move even his head.
He spared a glance outside the window towards a small stream that flowed parallel to the road, the morning sunlight catching the fog that bellowed out from the relatively warm water as it churned against the cold Michigan air. Wind swept the branches of trees, some laid dead and dormant from the atypical weather, some sported stunted and diminutive green leaves. But the trees still all swayed in the wind and clapped their branches together, Lincoln could hear it through the sounds of traffic. It was like the trees were giving him a standing ovation- but he didn't know what he was getting the applause for.
He caught his eyes in the reflection of the glass and laughed before turning his attention back to Lori, "Yeah, I think I understand where you are coming from," Lincoln lied, "There are probably some benefits to branching out and networking and all that- just never really saw the point until just now."
"You have over 300 unread friend requests on friendbook, Lincoln," Lain intoned, "We can go over them later if you would li-"
"Nah, just accept them all." Lincoln wondered if he made this decision out of laziness or if he was doubling down on trying to change. But he wasn't entirely sure what he was changing from in the first place. The sound of the tire treads grinding against asphalt filled the van- only for a good 30 seconds before Luan was stuck behind a baby blue two-door luxury vehicle.
"Ha!" Lori released a single curt chuckle, "I guess that is one way to shut me up…" Lori glanced at the follower count of her instagrim account and grimaced in jealousy at the number 250.
"Worry not, Lori!" Lain chirped as the screen was filled with a bunch of white-haired individuals, "Compared to others like him our Lincoln is very outgoing!"
Silence filled the van as Luan pulled into the parking lot of Lynn's Table. After giving a silent hooray to herself Luan spared a look at Lincoln's phone still in the cradle. On the screen were a bunch of jabronis and jabronettes who looked just like her younger brother.
Some were different, of course. Different noses and jawline. A good half of them were asleep while the other half were on the living room couch watching Saturday morning cartoons or reading comic books. Most were in their underwear, some had the decency to have a shirt and pants on. Luan took a closer look through squinted eyes, one was inexplicably dressed as a magician, another was on a wooden bench reading a thick book dressed as a cowboy, a particularly striking one was a young white haired woman lounging on a rattan lounge seat on a beach idly leafing through a magazine.
"Wh-what the ding dang heck?" Luan stuttered out, "Did Lisa grow you an army of clones or something?"
"Negative, Luan," Lain giggled as Lincoln and Lori continued to stare dumbfounded, "My connection to LoudTech servers gives me access to the Timeline Diagnostic Machine and real-time readouts of different world-lines that fit the criteria for observation. To put it succinctly: these are different Lincoln's from other universes!"
Lincoln's chuckles filled the van as he grabbed the phone and shook his head, "What a bunch of literal losers." He slammed the door after stepping out and continued, his voice dripping with venom, "You sure those guys are me? Just sitting around on a Saturday? I mean- school isn't even out yet!"
"Wait…" Lori finally regained some lucidity, "If there are other Lincoln's that must mean there are other Lori's …" Her voice darkened, "Are any of them married yet?"
Luan chuckled, "You two are pretty simila-" A lightbulb went off in her head, "Wait… meandbennyaretogetherineveryuniverseright?"
"Oh, cheese and crackers…" Lain sheepishly replied, "I seem to have placed myself in a pickle!"
Man, this one was kinda short. What's my problem? Anyways, I figure that the most drastic example of introspective would be for Lincoln to come face-to-face with other Lincoln's. So I figured: why not? Alternate Universe have been done to death since that episode of Futurama, but I figured I might as well have fun with it. One of my favorite movies was The One with Jet Li, ever since I was a kid I was plotting different ways to get the edge on alternate universe versions of myself. So the subject matter is something that I've always obsessed over, I'd rather get those ideas out through a fanfiction than some original writing thing. You'll get another chapter soonish, maybe. I got a new phone so I'm not too worried about losing my words anymore.