We think it's about time that we discuss the intersection between social media and socialization.
There is a clear line between the two- Not in that it is easy to tell the two apart, but the distinctions and differences that constitute said "line" are literally "clear". That division is so heavily nuanced that you can't look at interpersonal communication and the machinations behind it without seeing the subtle movements of social media behind the see-through vinyl shower curtain you bought at the supermarket.
You probably should've shopped around a bit, the shower liner you purchased is a bit too short. Water keeps splashing out. That is how you get black mold.
In the universe of discourse that we are engaging in at this moment we are operating on the assumption that you are Online. You are plugged in. Noided. You probably did not print out the words you are reading here on a printer and are reading this in the woods. If you are: we hope you have a printer that can print on both sides of a piece of paper. This isn't about your personal carbon footprint or any lofty ideas like that, we just think that would be pretty cool.
Our Lincoln Loud has an odd tendency to stray away from social media.
This isn't because he's some kind of introspective loner type or anything, he's pretty outgoing. He hangs out with people outside of The Gang all the time. He just isn't friends with most of the people outside of his immediate friend group on friendbook. Lincoln was very particular about who he added to his friendbook until recently, mostly because he has absolutely no idea how to use it. His timeline as it stands right now is a never-ending barrage of updates from friends and associates, he feels as though he has to engage with almost every single post they make. This is particularly tiring to Lincoln so he never really made it a point to add anyone he didn't really feel the "need" to. To put it bluntly: his friends on friendbook are purely utilitarian in nature.
He could've easily figured out how to mute people, but that would've required him to spend brainpower on something that wasn't comic books, video games, student council, the Action News Team, The Moon Goats, his various plans, or his family. He has quite a lot on his proverbial plate, but he is a growing boy- so who cares if he gets a little husky?
Lincoln Loud is the obsessive type, he often has thoughts like "Golly gee willakers, I just spent a whole lot of time thinking about this person just now- I doubt they think of me as often…" He is usually wrong on most accounts, unless if it's Cristina, she quite literally completely forgot who he was after they went to separate middle schools. So, by consequence of his own obsessiveness, Lincoln didn't really enjoy being inundated with the idea of constantly being privy to the inner-most thoughts of his peers that they blast, almost telepathically in nature, onto his cellphone screen. In his head: if he was going to be obsessed with someone the feeling should be mutual- it's only common courtesy, after all.
Maybe you're a bit like this Lincoln and you keep to yourself. You maintain that you only have a social media presence for work and family, and only upload photos when you want to flex on them with dope pictures of your comic book store purchases and ludicrously expensive coin collection. Or maybe you are like another Lincoln and you have tons of friends on social media and hit them up all the time just to see what's up. Or maybe you only have social media accounts to ensure that your insane ex-girlfriends (or insane ex-boyfriends/significant others/friends with benefits) aren't "coincidentally" moving into your neighborhood, if so you are in good company.
We suggest you purchase one of those doorbell cameras to ensure no one is going through your trash for receipts to find out which restaurants you frequent.
Luckily, this Lincoln does not have any crazy ex-girlfriend's that threaten to slash his parents tires for liking another girl's instagrim post. That would be Lincoln from universe CMDY-8008 and his particular Ronnie Anne (who inexplicably goes by Ronalda). Lincoln squinted his eyes at his phone as he clicked on that particular Lincoln to zoom in on his camera.
"I mean, at least this dude isn't at home- his Tall Timber's Secret Base is like mega rad," Lincoln noted 8008's rainwater collection barrels and solar panel powered computer rig, "Still could use a shirt though… and he kinda looks like hot garbage…"
"Waitwaitwaitdonttellme," Luan closed the van door and placed both of her hands on the driver's side window and took deep breaths to calm down, "Of course me and Benny are together in, like, every universe, an- and if we aren't it's because he got hit by a truck- or was, like, never born," Luan watched her reflection slowly grow more and more obscured as her hot breaths fogged the glass, "Yeahyeahthatsprobablyright, no reason to freakoutorany-"
"Luan, literally chill," Lori gently placated, "I mean, who cares what other Luan's are up to- you're you, not them." Lori's voice immediately grew tense, "But I swear to God if there is ONE Lori out there who gets married to Bobby before I do I will find a way to, like, isekai there or whatever and carve their fac-"
"Please, alleviate your worries, Lori," Lain nervously prattled out as Lincoln and Luan wondered what the hell an "easy-chai" was, "The only one of others like you who did marry at 19, in the universes that I am privy to, married Carol Pringrey after a 4 year long relationship."
"What?" The three of them questioned. Lori's "what" was more out of fear, Lincoln's was out of confusion, and Luan's was because she was pretty sure she misheard that as "Carlos Mencia".
"That would be Loki from universe NKTN-1379, in that particular universe Bobbie is Lincoln's age and Ronnie is Lori's. In a lot of different universes, Loki's- that would be you but a boy, sometimes end up with Carol's or Connor's. Connor's are the male counterpar-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, back that up," Lori pinched the bridge of her nose as Luan and Lincoln entered the busy kitchen of Lynn's Table, "So you're literally telling me that boy versions of me exist? How-how are they me if they are BOYS!? THAT LITERALLY MAKES NO SENSE!"
Lincoln rolled his eyes and chuckled at Lori's outburst as he gave a wave to his dad as he chopped carrots and scallions. "It's Lori…" Lincoln mouthed to Lynn Sr. and he chuckled and gave a thumbs up to his son. Luan, still a bit shell-shocked, took her place next to her father and started prep for the barrage of Quiches that were on the menu today. The whisk felt as heavy as a cinderblock in her hand.
"Listen, Lori," Lincoln gave a peace sign to Kotaro as he swung by to pick up an order of jalapeño poppers, the waiter responded with a finger gun and a wink, "You're more than just a combination of, like, genetic code and stereotypes," After giving a curt head bob to Taylor as she walked in with a tub of dirty dishes he placed the phone on a counter above the sink facing him, "You said it to Luan- you're you. Even with a ding dong you were just as bossy and mea- er, confident and… uh, mature." Taylor returned the head bob and squinted dumbfoundedly at his phone screen, "So, like, stop getting hang-ups about the idea of a Boy-Lori. I'd be more afraid of like, serial-killer-Lori or worse: Minnesotan-Lori…"
Lori was silent a bit before sighing, "Yeah, fiiiiiiine," She let out a chuckle and a sigh, "Wow, Lincoln. That's a pretty mature outlook you've got… guess I oughtta grow up…"
"Heh," Lincoln felt pretty full of himself, Taylor stared in confusion as, what she could only imagine is Lincoln's twin brother, heard something from outside of the cave and hurriedly withdrew an airsoft pistol from a duffel bag, "Back when I was 11 Lisa tried to make me see the error of my ways because I thought it would be cool to have a bro by having me switch bodies with a girl version of me with all brothers, and also a version of me with all brothers," Lincoln chuckled to himself as his eyes lit up in recognition- he has that same model that 8008 was loading up with oddly colored red BB's, Taylor quickly moved her bangs out of her eye with sudsy hands and looked at Lincoln and back at the phone while they loaded the industrial dishwasher, "This backfired on her, of course, I didn't come out thinking that gender had anything to do with you guys, you're all incredibly crazy. The only thing it proved to me is that every other universe but ours is probably, uh… pretty stupid, or at the very least: incredibly pedestrian. I'm not trying to butter you up by saying that I really lucked out with you guys." Lincoln said as he closed the loaded dishwasher and started it up.
"Awwwww," Lori brought her hands together and cooed, "I love you guuuuys too-" Lori stopped herself, "Wait…" her eyes drifted about Eliza's interior as she did the mental math about what Lincoln just said, "Did Lisa TRANSMIGRATE you?! Into, like, literally 2 separate universes?!" Lincoln squinted his eyes, using context clues he deduced the definition of a transmigration and nodded in response, "Oh come on! That's like literally unfair!" Lori pouted.
"Chillax, sis," Lincoln chuckled, "Listen, maybe I'll try to get Lisa to train-migrane you into another Lori- maybe you can see what it'd be like to be married to Carol or something."
"Ew, pass, I love Carol unconditionally and she will always have a special place in my heart," Lori prattled on, "But I don't think I am attrac- wait, that's me but a boy… shi- whoa, this is, like, literally kinda complicated." Lincoln shrugged his shoulders as Lori turned her attention to Bobby, "Boo-Boo Bear, would you still love me if I was a boy?" Lincoln gulped as Bobby let loose a nervous Uhhh… what?, "It's literally a simple question, Bobby. Would. You. Still. Love. Me. If. I. Was. A. Boy."
"Hey, Lori," Lincoln figured it was a good time to say goodbye, "Things are pretty busy here so I'll see you later."
"Yeah, yeah," Lori waved her brother off, "I'll see you guys at dinner, hugs and kisses… Now, Roberto. Answer. My. Quest-"
Lincoln hurriedly tapped the screen to hang up on Lori, "Uh, thanks for handling that call, Lain. I know Lori can be a handful." Lincoln gave a polite nod to the pixelated rabbit, Taylor and Lincoln watched as 8008 drew his revolver at a shadow and fired, only to have a present thrown in his face.
"Not a problem, I find Lori to be very fun- her intensity is contagious!" Lain nodded her head and generated a camera feed of the restaurant, "Also, tables 3&7 and booths 1&6 have dishes to collect."
"Whoa! Dang, Lain! You really know how to make yourself useful!" Lincoln quickly dried his hands and grabbed an empty bin and a washcloth, "Uh, Tay-Tay, could you give Lain some company? Thanks for covering for us being late, and double thanks for putting those cones out. You're a lifesaver."
Taylor tore her gaze from the phone screen in indignation, "If you call me Tay-Tay, one more time, I will fuc-" The ex-bully remembered that Lincoln was his bosses kid and toned it down, "-I will be very upset, because it… uh, makes me feel embarrassed… I guess." She sighed as Lincoln flashed her a thumbs up and left the kitchen, clearly not listening to her.
Lain giggled as she zoomed in on Lincoln jumping from table to table through cctv footage of the restaurant, "Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping along the bunny trail…" The AI sang to herself before catching Taylor raising an eyebrow at the phone, "My apologies, Taylor. My name is Lain, it is an acronym that stands for something that isn't necessarily pertinent to you. I am a data assistant programmed by Lincoln's younger sister Lisa to assist with Lincoln's various data. It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance."
"Sup, uh, I guess… I'm Taylor, but I guess you already knew that," Taylor opened the steaming hot dishwasher and threw on some rubber gloves, she noticed Kotaro walking in to mess with the register in the back and got his attention, "Dude, Kotaro, check this shit out," Taylor pointed a finger at the phone, "The baby genius Loud sister made some kind of, like, crazy ass cyborg phone thingy."
Kotaro chuckled as he finished his work on the touchscreen, "Whoa, now I gotta see this…" Kotaro went over to the sink and squinted his eyes at the phone.
"It is a pleasure to meet you, Kotaro. My name is LAIN, it stands for Loud Artificial Intelligence Network, Lisa has deemed the acronym pertinent to you. No offense, Taylor…" Lain shot Taylor an embarrassed look and the teen shrugged her shoulders, "I am a data assistant programmed by Lincoln's younger sister Lisa to assist with Lincoln's various data and uh- how did it go again?" Taylor shrugged her shoulders again as she started putting up the dishes.
"That's pretty freakin' radical!" Kotaro pursed his lips and nodded in approval, "I'm glad to see Lisa use that noggin of hers to do something cool and make, like, some kind of AI thingy. Just like in a sci fi book or something! Or, like, in a old Star Groupers episode!" Kotaro noticed what looked like Lincoln nervously unwrapping a present with a gun in one hand on one half of the screen and looked out the doorway to the Lincoln bussing tables, "Uh, dude. Lynn? Yo, Lynn! Lincoln has a twin!? You got, like, mad explaining to do…"
Lynn Sr. looked up from a cutting board and ceased mincing scallions, "Uh, what?" Lynn Sr. quickly shot a fearful look at Luan, "L-Lisa didn't clone Lincoln, right?"
Luan broke her glassy eyed stare at the row of completed orders she somehow completed in perfection in a third of the time it usually takes and wordlessly shook her head. In a daze she walked over to her dad's station and took his knife from his trembling hands. "Take a break, dad." She pointed the knife at the sink and got to work.
"Thanksforyourhelpsweetie," Lynn hurriedly walked over to the sink and took a look at the phone, he looked back and forth at the Lincoln on the screen currently holding up a headless Bun-Bun with trembling fingers and the Lincoln in the dining hall making small talk with the mayor, "Uh, they have different noses- and one of them isn't wearing a shirt."
Taylor coughed to curtail a rude laugh as she put up the last of the dishes, "Uh, Mr. Loud. Twins don't always wear the same clothes, I'm pretty sure clones would work the same way. This isn't a spot-the-difference puzzle or something…"
"Hello, Lynn. My name is LAIN, your daughter Lisa made me.I am a program that helps your son…" Lain is getting kinda tired of doing introductions, "Anyways, no, that isn't technically your son. But he is also your son. It depends on how you would like to look at things. To put it bluntly, he is a Lincoln from a different universe. But still technically the same universe, just a different flavor-"
Lynn Sr. let loose a held-in breath and cut Lain off, "Okay, different universes. Jeez, I was worried for a bit- like, the logistics of Lisa making a clone? Absolutely nightmarish! I'd have to, like, get him a social security number, but he wouldn't have a birth certificate either, right?"
Lynn looked at his best friend and Kotaro emitted a low whistle and nodded his head, "Dude, I wasn't even thinking about that. Straight up bonkers."
Taylor started collecting pots and pans to do a load of cooking utensils, "Well, if Lisa can make some kind of AI she can probably, like, hack into the mainframe or whatever and just add in him the system or some-" Taylor interrupted herself when she noticed the rows of completed orders ready to dish out, "Dude, Kotaro, get these orders out! What the fuck are we paying you for, man?"
"Uh, to look fly as hell and attract the lonely housewife demogra-" Kotaro quickly shut up and grabbed a large platter to throw Quiches on, "Dude, Luan- you are on fire today! Like a goddamn machine!" Luan stopped mid-prep on a order of Eggs Lynn-edict to nod her head, "Making your old man look like a total chump! You better watch out, Lynn!"
Lynn Sr. shot a look of pride at Luan as she robotically churned out orders like there was no tomorrow, "Sh-she's in the zone! I'm the luckiest guy in the world! Doing what I love with my fam-"
Kotaro stepped on his foot on his way out the door, "Oops, sorry bro. Totally didn't do that on purpose to shut you up-" Kotaro yelled on his way out the kitchen door, Lincoln entered after him and unceremoniously dumped out a bin of dishes into the sink.
"So, what's 8008 up to?" Lincoln asked Lain as he started scrubbing leftover eggs off of baking pans, Taylor hurried up collecting utensils to join him at the sink.
"From what I can gather, Lincoln from CMDY-8008 is currently erasing his presence at Tall Timber's Park due to it's location being compromised by his obsessive ex-girlfriend Ronalda." Lain explained as 8008 hastily collected his things in a large duffel bag and poured gasoline over everything else.
"Huh. Well, he probably got what's coming to him. Nobody to blame but himself for getting involved with whoever Ronalda is-" Lincoln stopped scrubbing and threw the pan into the washer before taking a look at the screen, "Ronalda? Like a Ronnie Anne who decided to go with their real first name? That's got crazy written all over it…" Lincoln chuckled and squinted at 8008.
He was a bit more husky than Lincoln and had noticeably greasy hair and sunburnt skin, like he's been living out in the woods or something. 8008 threw on a orange T-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts before scampering out the cave, he withdrew a walkie-talkie before pulling on a hidden rope that caused a pile of boulders and rocks to obscure the cave entrance.
"Wh-what the hell is that dude doing?" Taylor asked as she watched the lumberjack-looking Lincoln scramble to the top on the rockslide to pull a football sized rock free and grabbed a book of matches from his wallet.
"A bi-fold? Seriously?" Lincoln shook his head in disgust as he turned his attention to Taylor as she watched 8008 strike the match and throw it in the small hole and cover it up, "Diesel should've been enough to get rid of the scent, Lalo is pretty hard to shake so you have to get creative. But I guess this loser is going the extra mile and burning off any oxygen in the air, the cave should be sealed… He's at the very least thorough, I'll at least give him that."
"So, this Ron chick," Taylor's voiced dripped with disbelief, "She's like your ex-girlfriend? Someone went out with you?"
"I mean I had a weird relationship that was kinda romantic in nature with Ronnie Anne, but we were never official or anything and are just strictly platonic friends now. I'm not sure what this nerds deal is- think you can fill me in, Lain?" Lincoln asked as 8008 scanned his surroundings with binoculars atop the rock pile.
"This Lincoln and Ronalda started dating in their 5th year of elementary school and decided to try out a long-distance relationship- How romantic!" Lain gushed, "Unfortunately their relationship grew unstable as Ronalda started exhibiting behavior that could be described as "paranoid" and Lincoln broke off their relationship 3 months ago." Lain's voiced sagged, "How heartbreaking! I'm sure they could've tried to make things work out- communication is key when it comes to relationships. Or at least that is what I have gathered…"
"I mean, like, he is straight-up burning all of his shit in his little clubhouse or whatever," Taylor rolled her eyes and slammed the dishwasher shut, "So I don't think he prolly wants to hook up with her anymore," Taylor let loose a deep sigh and elbowed Lincoln in the shoulder, "I was about to kick your ass when I heard that you somehow landed a fuckin gf before I ever landed a date, makes me feel looooads better."
"Door!" Kotaro kicked the kitchen door open and scrambled to grab 2 large platters ready with orders, "Yeah, Taylor, I'm suuuuure you'll snag a bee eff soon with that bubbly personality of yours" Kotaro rolled his eyes and balanced the platters in each hand, "-And I'm not saying this cuz Lincoln is like my godson, or whatever, but dude looks fresh as hell in that jacket. He's shaping up to be a real lady-killer like his old dad!"
Lynn Sr. jumped up from the kitchen counter and snapped out from his daze of trying to make peace with the fact that there were countless alternate universes, "Oh, come on, Kotaro! Q-quit making my son think I'm some kind of… bad guy or whatever! I- it's not my fault that I was super handsome and charm-"
Kotaro accidentally stepped on Lynn's foot on his way out the door, "Whoops! Ouch, sorry dude!" Lynn Sr. yelped in pain and quickly jumped back on the counter to inspect his foot with tears in his eyes.
"Don't listen to Kotaro, Taylor," Lincoln sighed and smiled at an increasingly more pissed-off Taylor, "I'm sure someone finds your personality attra- or uh, probably not, er, maybe someone patient or something?" Taylor felt her arm lift and her fingers curl up in a fist and desperately grabbed it with the other arm to lower it, "Well, I mean there is always someone for everyo- well, I dunno in your case. Maybe… uh, you shouldn't base your self-worth on your relationships? I guess? Does that work? I'm not really all that great with dating advice, I'm actually trying to get uh, out there now. So, I guess for what it's worth: I'd probably go out with you on a date or something if you didn't work for my dad."
"Uh, wow. I feel like I should sue you for sexual harassment, but I don't really think it counts since you're still like a baby or something." Taylor took a deep breath and relaxed her body, only to wince when she realized she almost broke skin while trying not to pummel Lincoln where he stood.
"Noted, I was just trying to be polite. It won't happen again." Lincoln nodded his head and sighed, "And really? A baby? Come on, Tay-Tay, I'm a freshman next school year at RWHS. And- I've grown up! I got, like, a couple of chest hairs and am almost 5'6" now! You know: puberty! I'm in the throes, and all that. I'm at least a 8 out of 10 when it comes to attractiveness, my sister Leni would probably break my legs with a sewing machine if I ever dipped below a 7…" Lincoln looked at his reflection in the soapy water and his eye twitched when he noticed what looked like a pimple on his chin, he picked at it frantically and sighed in relief when it turned out to just be an errant fleck of ketchup, "-And when you add in the fact that I've got like tons of cash now from all the record sales and royalties from all the movies: I'm basically, like, prime bachelor material."
If Taylor rolled her eyes any harder they would fall out of her skull, "Yeah, too bad money can't buy you a new ego-" Her breath shorted out, "Wait- if you got stacks then why the fuck are you working here?"
Lincoln cracked a tiny smile and immediately tested something out, "I dunno… um…" He sheepishly rolled on the balls of his feet and nervously tapped on the sink with both hands, "Maybe I just wanted to uh, get to know you better… because I… k-kinda think you're pretty, wait n- not pretty! That'd be weird… I meant pretty, um, cool?" Lincoln gave her a meek smile and in response Taylor's cheeks turned red and she opened her mouth, "HA!" Lincoln laughed and slit his eyes, "GOT YA! Just kidding, dude! Honestly I don-" Taylor socked Lincoln on the arm, hard, "Ouch! Shoot, I guess I deserve that, but hey- this baby made you bluuuush, awwwwwwwww!" Lincoln dodged another punch and continued talking in a squat, "Anyways, yeah, I think I work here on the weekends because I like having stuff to do, or something. I can't just sit around doing nothing, like some kind of lazy butthole- that's probably why I detest the other "Lincoln's", cheap knock-offs if you ask me." Lincoln stood up with a sigh and opened up the dishwasher right as it buzzed in completion, "I guess menial tasks help distract me from the never ending pit of anguish that is festering deep within my soul- that's what Lucy tells me, at least. Honestly, I think I just like the idea of helping out dad- maybe seeing everyone's happy faces when they are in a food-induced-comotose-state has something to do with it too. That or I'm just a busy-body and insane."
Taylor took a deep breath and looked at anywhere besides Lincoln and settled on his phone, there were new people on the screen, "I think you're just a dyed-in-the-wool asshole, Lincoln… just like every other boy out there…" She took a washcloth out and started drying off steaming hot pots and pans.
Lincoln raised his hands in concession, "Yeah! Probably, that checks out. I've found that if you got a multiple choice question where D is all of the above the correct answer is usually that one…" Lincoln squinted at the phone and his voice dropped an octave, "Speaking of assholes…"
On the screen was Chandler McCann who arrived on a bike with a motorcade of other teens, "What is it this time, Lame-O? Dude, it's Saturday morning- you better have a good reason for waking my ass up so ear-" 8008 tossed him an unwrapped package and Chandler scoffed before holding up a beheaded Bun-Bun and a note, "Oh… god DAMN! Sh- she broke into your house? Dude. You're fucked! Hah! I call dibs on your mini-fridge!" Chandler turned around after getting a tap on the shoulder from Girl Jordan and Clyde and he handed the package off to them, "But, real talk: you need a place to crash, I can help you out."
"Man, I am not camping out in the sewers, dude. But, uh, thanks for the offer, I appreciate it…" 8008 sighed and grabbed an old steel camping lantern that was jurry-rigged to Lori's old GS Vitae from his duffel bag and turned the light on, "Code Irrigo, Clyde…" 8008 squinted at the screen as the lanterns gas powered flame shifted from orange to a sickly shade of green, "Fuck… and a Code Vantablack… someone is watching…"
Clyde nodded and adjusted a pair of blublocker sunglasses, "Recieved, dude. I'll do a circle around the perimeter," Clyde hopped on his bike with a walkie-talkie in one hand and sped off, "Keep me updated on the Vantablack!"
"Uh, do you guys have like a guidebook for all your codes?" A black haired teen in a blue hoodie asked 8008, Lincoln wondered why the hell Richie was there, "Gets kinda confusing…"
"It's by design, Lincoln likes to pretend to be mysterious in order to make up for his lack of any redeemable qualities," Girl Jordan scoffed, she placed her hands on her hips and smiled, "Luckily, he hangs out with us and we make up for his deadweight."
A girl with black hair and a seafoam sleeveless shirt placed the present on the ground and scampered up to 8008 to pull him into a hug, "Are you okay, Lincoln? Sh- she didn't hurt you right?"
"Oh, come on, seriously?" Lincoln groaned and broke a plate in his hands, "Rachel? This loser hangs out with Rachel?"
"What's wrong with Rachel?" Taylor asked as she squinted at the phone, "I mean, yeah, she looks totally lame, but the rest of your friends are lame as hell too…" Lincoln scoffed in response and threw the broken plate in the trash.
"I'm okay, Babe. A little shook up, but," 8008 kissed Rachel's forehead and sighed, "We'll make it through this."
"BABE? BABE?" Lincoln screamed in hormonal rage, "That jerk is dating her?!"
"Okay, calm down," Taylor sighed, "Seriously, what's your fucking damage? Are you like jealous of him or something?"
Lincoln took a deep breath and closed his eyes, "Rachel's mom owns the Red Herring…"
Okay, what the fuck is going on? Rachel? Who the heck is that? I got no clue, so don't come asking me, man. I'm uploading this one as soon as I got done typing it out. So if it is full of spelling meansteaks I totally meant to do them, on porpoise.