For this entry we would like to take a step back and look at the complexity of the relationships that our Lincoln Loud has established in the 13 to 14 years of his existence. Please feel free to work on the upcoming writing assignment due at the end of the week if you do not require these supplementary materials and/or you are the type of individual who dislikes spoilers. If so: please close your web browser to circumvent any chance of getting spoiled.
Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time. We warned you about spoilers.
With those losers out of the way it's just us cool dudes and dudettes. Please keep your sunglasses on, you will require them to fade the haters.
With friends comes haters. This is a universal constant, the dichotomy of man. Far before the times of smartphones and smart-cars and phonecars and car-phones mankind was divided between the Friends and the Haters. People banded together as Friends and supported each other for reasons other than familial bonds. There were a multitude of reasons for the proto-man to develop "empathy" for their fellow man, but the one that we are talking about in particular is: The Haters.
Haters can be anyone, the cashier at the gas station who always asks for your ID even though you're there every weekend, that guy who is always on your piece because you pulled a knife on him once at a car wash, those teens who got mad at you because you sold them pre-rolled cigarettes made from cedar woodchips, that shopkeeper at the grocery store with the weird high-pitched voice that always follows you around, your ex-girlfriend that got a dog that she named after you that is becoming distressingly close work friends with your mom, the HOA. You've got a lot of Haters, but that's okay: you are in good company.
Look to your left, now to your right, now look behind you- okay look back to the front again. The people you may or may not be seeing could be Haters. They could also be your Friends. So don't get all introverted on us.
Today's module was brought to us by one of our Loud Archivists stationed on NKTN-0205[Simulacrum-3B], let us take a moment of silence in commemoration of their bravery.
Okay, you may now stop being silent.
If you have not already, please retrieve the bag of glitter that was mailed to you alongside this module. If you are having trouble with receiving physical learning aids please re-update your World-Line and Oscillation Value with the offices located at the Loud University Mastodon Campus on Loud Planet. If you do not have access to an approved LoudTech Easy-Skies Teleporter please contact the Lin-Kind Humanities Department on LoudNet.
The material provided for this particular lesson is an excerpt from the diary of Lola Loud of NKTN-0205, please keep in mind that any and all worldviews displayed by this particular Lola are in no way indicative to the views of all Lola's. We at Loud University frown at exhibitions of Sibling-ism and believe it has no place on Loud Planet or any universe in which Loud's exist. Remember: you have/had a Lola/Lexx, don't be a jerk. With all that out of the way: please proceed to open the bag of glitter and spread it among your surroundings in order to simulate what it would be like to open this particular Lola's diary.
Now, let us invade her privacy.
Dear Diary (and Lana- quit snooping through my stuff),
Despite my best efforts in order to get Lincoln to give me the "okay" to pick a location for his and Luna's upcoming Graduation Gala he continues to elude me. Usually with jive talk and petty excuses like "Golly gee willakers, Lola, sorry, can't talk right now I have finals to study for" or "Awww beans, Lola, I'd love to talk right now but I gotta prepare for my end of the year speech for student council" or "Ding-dango-bing-bango, Lola! Can't you see I am on the potty making tinkle". Stuff like that- to tell you the truth, Diary, I find it hard to listen to Lincoln when he's on auto-pilot.
He has been on auto-pilot a lot recently. Perhaps it is hormones, or maybe he is constipated. Either way, it has been getting on my nerves lately. I have been practicing Positive Thinking and Wellness lately under the direction of Ms. Pringrey, I may find her hair flat and her outfits atrocious- but her guidance as a guidance counselor is par to none. I find that it may pay off to be a bit more patient with him, he is patient with me- most of the time. I should pay him back in kind.
It is important to note here that this Lola is open to the suggestion of outside influences, whether or not this is indicative to this Lola's tendency to echo Lincoln in certain aspects is a hotly debated subject. Either way- it is important to note that our Carol differs from most other observed Carols. She is much more driven. It is also interesting in that this particular Carol did not babysit a young Lincoln Loud at all- neither did she opt to work at Lynn's Table post high school graduation.
Listen, Diary, I am a patient and mature young lady. I won the Patient Crown at last year's Little Miss Mature Pageant, it was a hard-fought victory. But my patience does have limits, as you know. I am not as perfect as I claim to be, but I am saving up money to have that fixed. If Lincoln does not give me an answer by the end of tomorrow I will have to resort to drastic measures: I may have to be nice to him.
With this particular roadblock standing resolute and impervious to any and all attempts to circumvent it I am choosing to focus on factors that I can control instead of focusing on icky-thoughts and self-doubts. I am a big girl now, the world better watch out.
In order to throw the best party you need to understand the person you are throwing the party for. Leni taught me this, she is exceptional at throwing parties and I am not ashamed to say that I look up to her in that regard. But I am also not ashamed to say that I think her bangs look tacky. So, in order to throw the best party in the whole wide world I need to understand Lincoln a bit more.
It seems simple, Diary. Lincoln isn't all that complicated on the surface: he likes nerd stuff and wears orange. But that simplicity is infuriating, I am not throwing a nerdy party with an orange color-scheme. That would be something the old me would do. We need to go deeper, my dear Diary.
Remember that time Lincoln and Clyde helped Meli and I uncover the mystery behind Miss Allegra's broken off engagement? I learned a bit from him, partly because Lincoln loves to signpost and explain every little action he makes like he's some superhero in a nerdy comic book. He likes to hear himself talk, but I suppose I am no different. I count myself lucky for humoring him in this instance.
On the subject of Miss Allegra's relationship turmoil: it was technically the twins' fault. Lola and Lana spent a good amount of time in lunch detention, during these detentions Miss Allegra would complain to them about her fiance. The twins egged her on to be more vocal about her needs and less docile, as a result Miss Allegra broke off her engagement after her needs continued to be neglected. Note that a lot of individuals who spend time with Loud family members in 0205 exhibit much more confident and strong personalities.
He explained to me a concept called "skiptracing", essentially it is sifting through the wreckage of an individual's presence in order to build a "profile" of that person to better understand them and track them down. Lincoln and Clyde may just use that as an excuse to break and enter into people's homes and dig through their trash. And people think I am the nosy one.
After breaking and entering provided no substantial leads besides the restaurants she frequented and the insane amount of money she spends on glass dolphin sculptures the two of them brought us along as they badgered and talked up the people who make up Miss Allegra's social circle. Mrs. Johnson proved to be our main purveyor of information. So, in order to understand Lincoln I figured it would be best to employ the same methods he uses to understand the people around him. I skiptraced Lincoln.
In order to do this I had Miss Pringrey accompany me to RWMS under the guide of wanting to talk to the Action News Team for advice to start up a program similar to theirs. Lana and Lacey St. Claire accompanied us, it was quite cramped in Miss Pringrey's luxury two-door sports vehicle. Entering the middle school proved to be easier than I thought, Meli's step-mother is Principal Ramirez, it just took a plate of jalapeño poppers and a couple good words to get through the doors.
There are those who avert their eyes when faced with the vapid void that is society. People who cover their ears when barraged with the unceasing self-entitled tide of seething voices and screams. Individuals who cannot come to terms with the fact that all they are experiencing is just a mirror to the emptiness that lies deep within themselves.
With charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent Lola watches the world unfold around her.
With charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent Lola does the folding. Her own designs in mind.
The Gang, the Action News Team. These are the people that Lincoln has chosen to call his friends. A bunch of nerds who spend their time giggling over computer screens and riding their bikes around town doing lord knows what. They aren't that bad- they are nice and accepting people once you get past the greasy skin and unflossed gums. But not the sort of people I would regularly associate with- until today, of course. Do not judge me, Diary, but I have taken a liking to Lincoln's friends over the past couple of years.
They welcomed us with open arms, Lincoln wasn't present due to his duties as 8th grade class president. This made things easier. After a quick 5 minute demonstration we got the gist of how the Action News Team operates. They use a cell phone to record the news and live stream it to the schools computer network, easy stuff. I then was honest with them and told them about the true nature of my visit, everyone thought it was very nice of me to throw a party for my older brother. It is nice to be thanked for my efforts.
I decided to get Rusty out of the way first.
Rusty Spokes:
Rusty is pretty much the very image of a despicable human being. A walking and talking caricature of performative masculinity. He really needs a better skin care routine. Despite all this: Rusty is a very good guy. He wanted to make sure that Lincoln wouldn't be hearing what he had to say about him, I told him that my questions were just for the party. To Rusty, Lincoln is the very definition of what a "Cool Guy" is. In Rusty's eyes Lincoln is some kind of suave chick-magnet who can get anything he wants with just a sentence. This mystifies as well as infuriates him. The reason for his ire is that Lincoln very rarely ever uses his charisma for his own "benefit", he only ever works hard when it's for other people. In Rusty's own words he would be talking up ladies left and right and would have a girlfriend in every middle school in the school district if he had the same prowess as Lincoln. But he admits that this selfless attitude of Lincoln is probably the reason why people are always "on his piece". His admiration of Lincoln is quite commendable, hopefully Rusty will get Lincoln to come out of his shell and stop being such a wet blanket. I will be presenting him a gift basket of skin care products at Lincoln's party, a little graduation gift. Meli said "He seems kinda shifty, but he has a good heart!"
Zach Gurdle:
Zach is a very interesting fellow, he was able to detect my Nosy Nancy brand recording device with an odd device that looked a bit like a taser. He did not ask me to turn it off, but I wonder if what he said to me was influenced by him knowing that I was recording. He wanted to know if I was working for any governmental agencies, I am not. He then asked me if I had any contact with aliens, I have not. He then asked me if I have ever dreamt of a deserted highway lined with pink and blue synthetic palm trees, I lied. Everyone else in the room grew quiet after that question.
If you or anyone you know has had this dream please report to the Fangs Memorial Dream Rehabilitation Center located on Royal Palms Avenue at Great Lakes Zaibatsu. If you do not own or have access to a Easy-Skies teleporter please contact Lars SCFI-0989 on LoudNet ( ProfSanguine) immediately. If you must sleep please do so under a lead roof.
Zach had a lot of interesting things to say about Lincoln. Apparently his obsession with aliens meshes nicely with Lincoln's paranoia of always being watched. Which is partly my fault, I've done my fair share of snooping. But Lincoln has too, I'd like to think at this point it's how we let each other know we care. In any case, Zach stated that unlike most of his peers Lincoln does listen to him drone on about his crackpot conspiracy theories and will take them seriously. Like Zach, Lincoln will not believe something unless the truth is right in front of him. The two of them share beliefs that are absolutely unshakable, but when faced with the truth they will concede with grace. So- Lincoln understands that Zach has trouble winding down when he gets worked up about something. Lincoln will do everything within his power to get an answer to a burning question rattling around Zach's mind.
I personally believe it's because Lincoln is the type of person who treats every single little thing as the end of the world, a misplaced notebook has the same gravity as an engine failure while flying on a plane. When Lincoln has his sights on something he will do everything within his power to get to it, even if it would put him in a less than desirable light. He has done a lot for me and my sisters, some of it good. Some of it bad. But at the end of the day he does it all for us. So I can't hold it against him too much- but I have my limits. He handed me a pamphlet about the dangers of lucid dreaming. I was going to throw it out but Miss Pringrey asked if she could have it. I am giving him a beanie as a graduation gift, his haircut makes me want to toss my cookies. Meli said he was "Sorta intense, but really fun!"
Liam Hunnicutt:
Lana and him get along fairly well. I've driven to Hunnicutt farms a lot to help Lana pick up mud-pies and hay. What she needs them for is beyond me. I would consider him an acquaintance at this point, the few times I have talked to him he has proven to be a very polite young gentleman who minds his manners. According to him Lori babysat him as a child and always asks if I could apologize for him "bein' a lil stinker" at the time. Much like Lincoln, Liam is haunted by the annoying rapscallion he used to be. They are both still rapscallions, but I would say they aren't as annoying.
Liam confided to me that Lincoln is a dear friend who always helps him out when he is in a bind. Liam isn't quite adjusted to suburban life. To Liam, Lincoln is the very paragon of suburbia. Liam has trouble matching the slow pace of everyone and Lincoln helps keep him in check. Liam spends a lot of time alone, working on the farm or out in the backwoods of Royal Woods. On the spare chance that he can hang out with everyone in his downtime, Lincoln makes it a point to ask what he was up to. There is very little cellphone reception out in the backwoods of Royal County, and when he is out and about Liam doesn't really like bringing his cellphone with him in case it gets broken. So Lincoln has let Liam borrow dad's old film camera and takes photos of his endeavors that he shares with Lincoln in private. Lincoln seems to enjoy being included with his friends and takes a vested interest in better understanding how they view the world around them.
He showed us a selection of his work and Miss Pringrey asked if he could send copies to the Royal Woods Art Gallery, after some convincing he agreed. None of us knew what this town was like away from the mowed lawns and strip malls, a real eye opener. I think I might get him a better camera and guilt trip him to being my personal photographer. Meli says that Liam "Has the soul of a poet trapped in a cowboy."
Stella Zhau:
I'm sure that these boys see Stella as the very image of femininity. While she does hold herself with a certain glimmering of grace she has a tendency to trip over herself in certain areas. Mainly social ones. Much like Lincoln, Stella is blunt and to the point. Lincoln will immediately blurt out the most tactless sentences ever uttered but he does so with an odd surgical precision, as if he knows he might be wrong and is fishing for the correct answer. People are more prone to correct you if you are wrong than agree with you if you are right. Stella lacks social graces not in some weird "Master of Manipulation" kind of way, but because she doesn't really see the need to pull her punches. There is a reason why she hangs out with the rest of them. I personally find no problem being friends with boys as a young lady, but I can see how others might see this as something to gossip about.
On the subject of whether or not Stella bears any romantic feelings for Lincoln: Lacey and I don't think so. Lana and Meli both think there is something. On the off chance that Lincoln is reading this (GET BACK TO ME ABOUT THE PARTY LOCATION!) I will keep my opinions a bit more close to the chest. In summation: I think Lincoln and Stella going out would be too much of a strain to the make-up of their little Gang. Not in that the others would grow jealous of any PDA but because the dynamic has already been established. They seem like the type of friends to stick together to the end, if they become a couple and break up that balance would be upended. Stella and Lincoln are incompatible- at the moment. Lincoln is way too obsessed with his plans and views every little social interaction as a play in a game (at least according to Stella), Stella thinks he takes things way too seriously. Them breaking up would be a question of "when" and not "if".
As a professional relationship they play off well together, he is the "Dad" of the group while Stella is the "Mom". Anything more than that is just wishful thinking, and I am saying this as someone who loves romance and meddling. Also, prodding from Miss Pringrey and Meli got Stella to admit that she doesn't really want to date anyone right now. But if she had to choose someone she would choose Lincoln, but only if you held a gun to her mom's head, if you pointed the gun at her she would just tell you to take the shot- admirable. Honestly I think Lincoln would be better off with Lucy's friend Haiku, they are both the same type of crazy. Or maybe with that Nikki girl that keeps commenting on his posts on friendbook, if only to get her to stop fishing for conversations in such a public way. Like: yuuuuuck, lol.
With that out of the way Stella thinks Lincoln is cool if you can stomach his intensity. Lincoln was the first person to talk to her when she moved into Royal Woods, things got weird when Lincoln assumed that she had a crush on him when she had the audacity of making conversation with him. But she assures me that he is over her. I think Stella's position of her being Lincoln's closest female friend besides Ronnie Anne probably makes her instrumental in how Lincoln approaches other ladies. I would say that we probably have some handle in shaping his views and behavior towards girls, but I'd have to see him in action. I honestly find very few opportunities to snoop when it comes to Lincoln's relationships, even on friendbook. How infuriating.
Stella claims that Lincoln is the most sensitive guy she knows besides Clyde, but also the most insensitive person she knows on the planet. He's quick to jump into the fire for his friends, he's quick to throw everything aside to lend an ear when she's down, but he's also quick to put his own foot in his mouth. He wears his emotions on his sleeves and doesn't really have any walls up, he doesn't pretend to be anyone but himself. This is a double-edged sword. Stella confided to me that she actually wishes she could be like Lincoln and be just as open with her feelings as him, but also says that if she did that she'd probably get in a lot of trouble. Lincoln also has a tendency to get in trouble. A lot. Almost as much as me, but he can usually get out of groundings with a reduced sentence. I am jealous, Diary.
I suppose this interview was a bit longer than the others, but that's mostly because my entourage kept butting in with questions and giggle and squeals. I am all for that, most of the time. But I was there for business- not gossip. All in all, Stella provided a great deal of information about how Lincoln tics and tocs. I think it would be rude if I gave her any hygiene products even though she could probably use a stronger anti-perspirant, so she'll just have to settle for a makeup kit. I honestly hope she gets in a relationship soon, she talked a bit about Lincoln being high-strung but she's a bit wound-up too. Meli says that Stella "is mega smart and cool!"
Clyde McBride:
At this point Clyde may as well be my other big brother. Lincoln and him are inseparable. I am a bit jealous and hope Meli and I get to be as close as them. I just learned today that Meli's step-mother is the principal at RWMS. I should try harder to get closer to her- without being too clingy. Sometimes I worry that Clyde and Lincoln depend a bit too much on each other.
Clyde gave us some snickerdoodles he baked earlier that day, he is a man who knows how to entertain guests. I did good by appointing him my party planning assistant. He was a bit interested in my methodology of party planning and how these questions played into it. After explaining myself he said that he was proud of me. I played it cool.
Clyde echoed a lot of his friend's sentiments in how Lincoln seems to put others before himself. His work with the student council eats up a lot of his time and energy, juggling that with home life and work worries Clyde to no end. But he conceded that he does trust Lincoln to not overwork himself and has noted that he has started to push aside certain responsibilities in order to goof off with him and his friends. Which worries Clyde more in that he's afraid that Lincoln is starting to see interacting with The Gang as another one of his responsibilities. As selfless as his actions may seem I reminded Clyde that any and all of his "responsibilities" are ones that he chose to burden himself with. No one asked him to do any of that junk, so he's really got no one but himself to blame for running himself ragged.
But I did find that change in Lincoln's behavior interesting and questioned why Lincoln might be looking for more freedom. Clyde didn't have a concrete answer but noted that he's been pretty cranky in the mornings and needs a constant supply of energy drinks in order to stay awake. Clyde also revealed that he has been spending more time on his phone, his screen is cracked so he has trouble typing and usually opts to call people if he needs to talk to them instead of texting. Like an old person or something. He supposes that with the school year ending that Lincoln must be trying to ensure that the relationships he's built up over the last three years don't dissolve once high school starts up. From this I gather that once Lincoln allows someone into his life he doesn't really like watching them go, evidenced by his continued friendship with Ronnie Anne- though it's worth it to mention that they haven't been in contact with each other as much this school year. Maybe that is the cause for his behavior.
Clyde asked that if Lincoln starts exhibiting any odd behavior at home that I should let him know, and that if anything troubling happens at school he would let me know. I agreed. Ever since Lincoln joined middle school it's been harder for me to keep tabs on him, same with Lucy. The Funager Assistant Managers may think they operate in secret, but their obsession with subtlety paints a huge target on their backs. I'm not particularly worried about them or anything, Diary, just waiting for a reason to be worried. I am getting Clyde a bottle of cologne, this way I'll be able to figure out if he's snooping around under the orders of Lincoln. Meli thinks that Clyde is "super nice and friendly!"
With that out of the way I debriefed with my entourage and asked what they thought of all of this. Luckily the Action News Team was distracted by the entrance of some girl named Girl Jordan and another girl named Rachel. Meli thought that Rachel had a crush on Lincoln because she kept on asking about if he was going to show up or not, but Girl Jordan said that wasn't the case at all and that it was probably the other way around. I think she is full of doo-doo because The Gang started laughing at her after she said that to the duo's confusion.
Meli thinks that Lincoln has very cool friends and that he probably works super hard in order to make them happy because he loves them.
Lana figures that Lincoln is a busy-body who can't sit still and butts into everyone else's business because he can do better than them, which probably pisses off a lot of people. She thinks that Lincoln is "still pretty cool though" and in terms of being a brother she can't help but think the world of him.
Lacey believes that Lincoln is an emotional tourist who throws himself into other people's affairs without a second thought because he won't be the one facing the consequences, but that his intentions are still commendable and his successes speak for themselves.
Miss Pringrey claims that Lincoln is the very image of a good big brother and lamented that she never had a big brother growing up, if she did she would want him to be like Lincoln. Apparently he reminds her of Lori when she was his age- but nicer and with less acne, she and Lori were good friends back in middle school but had a falling out in high school. I was going to hold my tongue but I think that Miss Pringrey has a crush on Lori. Poor girl.
All that I know is that Lincoln cherishes his friends, his family, and has a bit of a complex when it comes to reaping personal benefits. Leni is the same way too. The two of them would benefit by being a bit more selfish, though in Lincoln's case he did have a tendency to be a bit self-serving in the past. Maybe his workaholic tendencies are atonement for his guilty conscience.
Either way: I hope he gets over it because seeing him stressing out is really getting on my nerves. If he doesn't make time for himself I will make him.
We arrived back to school late, but the teacher was just showing Orange County Chihuahua 2 on the TV again. I asked Lisa why we even bother going to school when we pretty much know everything about everything and she just told me that it was to ensure that the school gets funding, and that she is a fan of Pizza Thursdays. I couldn't argue with that.
Goodnight, Diary. Thank you for keeping me company this cold Thursday night. We really need to get Lisa to do something about the weather, but I'm pretty sure she's making it cold just to have an excuse to wear that cool black lab coat Lincoln got her for her birthday.
"When the information comes
We'll know what we're made from
And the skyline rising
Highrise eyes see through you"
The Information by Beck
My Scary Story
By Carol Pringrey (age 7)
Once upon the time there was a little girl with golden hairs on her head, she lived alone on top of the hill. The girl lived alone with no little sisters or little brother, but don't not worry! She had a friend who was also a girl with golden hairs on her head. But her hair was so golden it glowed in the night! Every day the two girls would play in the park, but sometimes the dark would sneak up on them. One on day they were playing hop scotch and the dark snuck up on them! Luckily the street light bulbs turned on so they had a lot of light to see where they were going. Which was home. But uh oh! The lights turneded off!
It was okay for a little bits because the lonely girls friend with the glowing golden hair took her hand and took her home. She was brave and didn't scared of the dark! But then all of the sudden the road back up the hill changed. It was not a hill any more. It was flat and dusty, you could see the moon real big up in the sky since there was no houses anymore. Instead there were funny looking tropical trees made of plastic that were colored PINK and BLUE, silly trees! The lonely girl thought they were silly and she laughed but the other girl, the friend, was mad at them! She kicked them with her foots!
A bunny rabbit came out from the funny tree, he laughed at the two girls and said that if they didn't hurry home they would get in BIG trouble! Oh no. He told the girls that he came from the moon but he's not allowed back home because he made a big mess. They looked up in the sky and saw the moon in the sky and it was big and ORANGE and angry looking! The bunny said not to look behind thems. Even if they heard a voice behind them! So the girls ran home.
They ran real fast and heard all kinds of noises. The noises sounded like laughs. But the laughs? The laughs sound like their laughs! The friend gripped the lonely girls hands and started yelling really angry back at the voice but neither of them looked back. And then they kept running and running and running. And the voices got closer! But then they stopped and they were at the lonely girl house! Hooray!
The lonely girl got in trouble for being late but her friend got to stay the night, they promised each other that they would never stay outside late and would always be good girls who come home on time so they don't see the rabbit again. The end?
Writing Lola's diary was fun, what a nice change of perspective. I'd get back to LDNT but uh, I'm having fun doing all kinds of stupid bs right here. You'll probably see that Lincoln eventually, he's probably doing all kinds of crazy stuff now that he would be 13 or 14. Maybe he'd take up shortwave radio as a hobby or like get a pen pal or reorganize his coin collection. Real nail-bitting stuff.