A/N: I don't own any FFVII characters.
-------------------------------
He laid there in bed, watching the moon cast shadows across his ceiling, as his thoughts swirled around her. That night had been seared into his memory, along with all the other tragedies Cloud Strife had experienced.
It was the night he realized he couldn't live without her.
--------------------------------
"I'm not your star, isn't that what you said?" he heard her whisper softly. He had been staring at the wall for the last fifteen minutes, trying to push away these feelings of despair and self-loathing. He hated himself for the way he used Tifa. She was like a bad drug, one that made him want more of her yet he couldn't be close to her. It wasn't that he couldn't be close to her... he just wouldn't allow himself. He didn't want to lose her, too.
Cloud felt movement as Tifa got off of the bed and quietly walked out of his room, closing the door behind her. He continued to lie in bed, afraid to move, afraid to find that the spot she had been lying in was still warm. Lightning shot across the sky like bullets, and his fury grew. How could he do this to her? After so much that she had given him: her friendship, her support, her love.. herself. He hated to see her in pain, tearing herself apart day after day, just to please him.
He could tell that Tifa was getting restless. He wouldn't be surprised if she didn't come back again. But instead of running out into the night to find her, to comfort her and open himself up to her, to beg her for forgiveness, he stayed in bed. He rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He winced as he caught scent of Tifa's shampoo on his pillow, that smell of jasmine and lavender. He thought it was the most reassuring smell in the world.
Cloud lied there, dreaming, thinking, realizing. He knew he couldn't continue to live like this. He thought his grief and guilt were things of the past, but how quickly the past catches you again. Especially if you want it to. He knew deep in his heart that he would never be able to live again, not without Aerith, yet he wanted to make Tifa happy, to fulfill her dreams of moving on, going forward with his life.. with their lives. There was no room for Tifa in his current state, and it hurt him to admit it.
There had been hope once, a long time ago, that he could be what Tifa wanted him to be. But that hope burned out, like the dying stars dimly shining somewhere overhead, high above the black storm clouds that were raging outside his window. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for all of the pain he caused her. All the fucked up things he did to her, all the hell he put her through kept sleep at bay for him for more nights than he cared to remember.
Cloud glanced over at the clock, catching it at 11:11 PM. He wished that she'd come back home to him, and they would go to sleep, as he cradled Tifa in his arms, finally accepting that he was not alone anymore. The smell of her hair, and her slow, steady breathing would lull him to sleep, the most peaceful sleep he'd have in years. He dreamed that he could give himself completely to her, but sadly realized it was only a dream. He missed her more everyday. "But we all need a little more room to live," he realized.
Earlier that night he had come home late, as usual. He had finished his deliveries well before dinner, but decided to take a trip to the Forgotten Capital. He still believed he could find Aerith, if he only had a little more time. It was what got him out of bed every morning. He didn't find anything, however. He expected that much.
He went to visit her church again. He had always been able to feel her presence there, and he found solace within its eroding walls. He must have sat there for hours, because the sun had disappeared when he finally emerged back out into the cold world. Cloud went back to Tifa's place, knowing that no matter how depressed she was, there'd still be leftovers she had carefully set aside for him when he came home. He got home as she was closing up the bar, bumping into Reno as he walked out and trudged his way to some unknown destination. Reno didn't attempt to make any smart ass comments to Cloud as he left. Instead, his gaze was cast downward, as if he were in deep thought.
He walked inside and sat at the bar, as Tifa wordlessly retrieved some leftovers from the fridge and reheated them. She poured him a shot of whiskey, and he stared at it gloomily, his thoughts only focusing on where he could go the next day to track down Aerith. Tifa watched him as he silently gulped down his liquor. She grabbed the bottle and set it beside him, then brought his plate over to the bar.
Cloud picked at his food, while he poured himself another shot. "Down the hatch," he thought as he finished off his second shot, as if he were taking medicine. In a way, he was medicating himself from his pain. Tifa just stood there, watching him, as tears welled up in her crimson eyes. She made no attempt to hide her tears from him; she knew he couldn't see them anyway. He wasn't paying attention to her, he never did.
After a half-hour had passed, Cloud still sat there, with a half-finished bottle of whiskey and a half-eaten plate of food. Tifa had finished closing up, swept and mopped, and had taken a shower. She came downstairs and noticed him still sitting at the bar in the dark. She walked over to him and took away the whiskey and the plate, telling him to go to bed. He made no attempt to move. Tifa walked behind the bar and put up the bottle, then washed his plate. She told him again, in a louder voice, to go to sleep.
Tifa walked around the bar, and put her hand on his arm. Cloud finally showed a reaction and looked down at her hand on his arm, then up into her sad, tired face. Her eyes weren't that beautiful ruby color they had once been. They looked murky and dark, the life behind them fading away. He stood up and grabbed her by the waist, his cold blue eyes staring into hers. She stood still, searching his eyes, waiting for his next move. She knew what to expect, and prepared herself mentally.
He kissed her harshly on her lips, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to cry. She did everything she could to try to convince herself that it was Cloud kissing her, her Cloud, the one she had always loved. She tried to trick herself into thinking that she had dreamed of this moment for so long, and he was finally showing his affection for her. She let her hands wander slowly up his arms and hooked her arms around his neck, not daring to open her eyes. She didn't want her fantasy to end and realize she was in hell. Cloud kissed her neck, then bent down to pick her up.
He carried her upstairs to his room, and she never objected. They had been through this so many times. Still, it was something she could never get used to. He laid her down on the bed, hungrily drinking in the sight of her with his eyes. She opened her eyes and looked at him, and for a second, she saw a wave of doubt wash over him, as if he were trying to fight off his demons. He didn't succeed, though; he never did. His eyes glazed over once more, and he laid down on top of her, kissing her cheek, her neck, her shoulder. His hands slid off her panties and she closed her eyes again and didn't open them until he was finished.
She felt him inside of her, thrusting hurriedly, trying to finish as quickly as possible. He opened his eyes, and looked at her. She had her head turned to the side, eyes clenched tightly as silent tears fell from her eyes. She was biting her bottom lip, trying to keep herself quiet as he used her. In the back of his mind, he heard his voice screaming at him to stop, telling himself that he was hurting her. Cloud closed his eyes and buried his head in the crook of her neck, never daring to move his head to look at her again. He couldn't bear to see her like this while he was doing it. It killed him, it enraged him, but it kept his pain away, and so he continued.
When he finished, he rolled off of her, his breath ragged and harsh. He faced the wall and listened to the rain pelt the window as thunder rumbled overhead. He thought about Tifa, how hurt she was and how her dedication to him kept her by his side to endure the worst he had to offer. Round and round in circles he lived, loving her and leaving her. All that Cloud could offer her was his touch, the physical aspect of a relationship, never the emotional. It hurt him to think that these nights of drinking and loving never got them anywhere; all it did was tear them further apart each day. They were both dying in each other's arms. Then she had whispered her goodbye to him; "I'm not your star, isn't that what you said?" before she walked out on him.
--------------------------------
The sound of his cell phone brought him back to the present. He was still living at Tifa's, although he knew she was living with Reno. He still couldn't wrap his mind around that one. But then again, he never bothered to try. He reached over to the bedside table and looked at his phone. His voice mail icon was blinking on the screen, so he dialed in to listen to it.
"Hi, Cloud, it's me. I was just calling to see how you were doing... and I wanted to let you know that, um.. Reno's going to be a father. I.. thought you should know." Tifa's voice rattled around in his mind as he listened to her message, and he could hear a hint of sadness at the end of her message.
He closed his phone and set it back down on the table. "It should have been mine," he thought bitterly, "And she should be lying here next to me, holding me, cradling me... loving me."