Pocket-protector wearing nerds have coined a term called the "Black Swan Theory''. Essentially what it is referring to is the effect that a new, paradigm-shifting event has on our collective psyches. Sort of like when you go into a person's room and find a bunch of anime posters or dead bodies, and then you later find out that they're wanted for murder. All of a sudden the anime posters or dead bodies make more sense in hindsight, you catch yourself thinking things like "I always knew she was a serial killer with those catboy posters on her walls/ brains in her mini-fridge" even though you did not know she was a serial killer. You just didn't want to be mean and assume something about a person just from the contents of their room.

It's named after how some ancient curtain-wearing Greek rapped about how the idea of a "black swan" is impossible. And then some people found a black swan about 10,000 years later in Australia. The black swan was always there, of course, so that Greek poet looks like a huge dumbass in hindsight. That wouldn't entirely be fair to him, he wore a shower-curtain despite probably not showering regularly- it was our fault for listening to him in the first place.

And there we go: our fault. If something crazy happens to you, a Black Swan or any kind of contingency, and it catches you off guard: it was probably your fault for slipping into complacency. Your world can be turned around in an instant, and the new information you or others make from these updates to their semantic memories can make you look like the biggest idiot on the planet. That's not exactly what the Black Swan Theory is actually about, but you'd have to look it up and maybe read a book to figure that out. And we don't have the time for that now.

Our friend LAIN is like a talking Black Swan Effect. Both in reference that she's a paradigm shifting piece of technology and the anathema to anthropocentrists everywhere but in that she has a problem saying no to people. Her predilection towards Japanese cartoons is actually an orange herring.

"So, uh…" Taylor's senses returned to the room as Lincoln swiped away the video feed of another universe to swap back to a plain black background with Lain's pixelated face on it, "What am I doing in that universe?"

"Er… Lincoln, is that okay? Can I show Tay-T-" Lain caught herself and her cheeks glowed pink, "Taylor what her counterpart is doing?"

Lincoln hissed and squinted his eyes, "Uh-" He gave Taylor a nervous chuckle and turned back to Lain and pointed at his Bluetooth Noise-B-Gone's, "Tell me what it is through my headphones first-" Lain immediately whispered something into Lincoln's ear and he sighed, "That's kinda depressing…"

Panic struck Taylor and she hurried her words through gritted teeth, "Quit being a dick, Lincoln and just-" Lincoln nodded and the screen showed a Taylor washing dishes by herself at Lynn's Table, "Wh- how is that depressing? That's, like, exactly what I'm doing!"

Lincoln sadly shook his head and went back to washing dishes, "Even this Taylor is spending her Saturday's washing dishes instead of hanging out with a boyfriend…"

"Oh. What the fu-" That genuinely hurt Taylor and she tried to play it cool, she rolled her eyes and adjusted her bangs with a shaky hand, "I'm sure she's just, like, saving up money for a hot date or some shit, she seems like a total girlboss who goes dutch… like, she's bagging a total 10 and needs the extra cash to-"

"Er. That's not exactly the case in this scenario, Taylor. I'm sorry…" Lain sadly chirped, but her voice picked up, "But at least you have Lincoln in your universe to keep you company!"

"Yeah, Tay-Tay. At least you got Lincoln!" Kotaro spoke in stuttered bursts trying hard not to burst out laughing, a thought struck his mind and he turned to Lain, "Did I ever send in that tape to Love Boat in that universe?"

"Wha-" Lain blinked in surprise and she snapped to a look of concentration, "Why, yes, you did. But oddly enough you were not asked to represent the Michigan contestant this season, instead they went for the same contestant as ours: Blake Bra-"

Kotaro threw his hands up in the air, "Knew it." He turned to Lynn Sr. and hiked his thumb to the phone, "Knew it, dude." He sighed and walked back to the register, "Hollywood elite all palling around, not wanting to give ol' Kotaro a shot at the helm. I'm LOADS more charming, I bet Blake doesn't even OWN a cowbell…" He started mumbling to himself.

Lynn Sr. walked up to his best friend and patted his back, "Sorry, man." He frowned, "They probably just can't handle your…" Lynn looked back to his son who thought for a bit and mouthed a word, "Realness…"

Lincoln flashed his dad a thumbs up and turned his attention back to Taylor, "Yeah, uh." He didn't know what to say, if he bothered to read social cues at the moment he would be wise to not say anything, "Sorry you're single in that universe too? I mean, I'm single in this universe and that other jerk has a girlfriend so I'm probably worse-off than you."

"Is. Is that what I look like?" Taylor frowned deeply at her counterpart's visage, she was in the same black pants and white button down uniform she was wearing but her hair was slightly shorter and she didn't have as much makeup on, "I wouldn't even date me…"

"I dunno…" Lincoln shrugged his shoulders and folded up his sleeves to get ready to scrub burnt seasonings off of baking sheets, "Personally, I think she looks pretty cool in the uniform. Like she's the protagonist of some kinda… anime." Lincoln looked up at Lain who excitedly nodded, "And I guess if her personality is anything like yours I'm sure she is…" Lincoln chose his words carefully, "Popular with certain niche demographics…"

Taylor couldn't really process that sentence right now, but she had enough sense to know that it was probably a thinly-veiled barb, "Screw you, Lincoln." Taylor sighed, "And screw me for even caring…"

"I think it's perfectly acceptable to feel sadness about not having someone to love, it's a wonderful feeling-" Lain caught herself gloating but quickly caught herself, "But I'll have you know that love is possible for you-" Lincoln discreetly pointed at his ears and Lain whispered something to Lincoln and he quickly shook his head no, "But no spoilers… haha… That would ruin the fun-"

Taylor lifted the spray nozzle and pointed it to the phone, "Tell me. Now."

"Lynn Loud Jr." Lain quickly intoned, she eyed the nozzle with fear, "Please do not kill me. I don't want to die."

"Taylor!" Lincoln slapped the hose out of her hand, "Dude! She has feelings!"

"Crap! Sorry! Fuck!" Taylor was glowing red and gripped her hair with both hands as the hose fell into the sink. Taylor has a rule about no bullying on the clock unless if it's Lincoln "Jesus Christ! I'm sorry Lain, I- I didn't even think of that!" She was too busy concentrating on the fact that she almost killed a robot to focus on how she has a chance with one of her bosses' daughters. And she was pretty sure she was straight, so the information felt kinda stupid and inconsequential.

"I forgive you!" Lain cheerfully chirped, she let out a sigh of relief, "I can't exactly back myself up like a regular program, you'd have to basically make a copy of me and my new memories…"

"Yeah, that'd be like making AI babies." Kotaro chimed in, Lincoln looked at him in shock, "You need to read a book some time, little dude…" He shook his head and left the kitchen.

"Right." Lincoln quickly retrieved Lain and placed her in his jacket pocket, "Is this okay, Lain? Having you perched precariously above a sink full of water was giving me anxiety for some reason."

"I can feel your warmth through the heat sensor in my battery and your heartbeat from the small tactile feedback from the screen." Lain's voice came out fast and she cleared her virtual throat to continue in a stoic business-like manner, "Yes, this is… how it should be."

"Right." Lincoln gave a knowing frown to Taylor who just looked at him in confusion, "So, anyways…" Lincoln cleared his throat and decided to take this moment to pick Taylor's brain about relationships, "You mentioned something about going Dutch? That's when you go halfsies on a date right?"

Taylor rolled her eyes, the opportunity to dunk on Lincoln outweighed her usual anxieties when it comes to talking about relationships, "Yeah, dork. But I don't think it's something you'll ever have to freaking worry about…"

Lincoln let that rebuttal roll around in his head, "I see… Welp, I guess it takes a dateless loser to know a dateless loser." He casually dried his hands off with a hand towel and ran it through his pomade ladened hair to move his bangs up to its usual turkey-tail shape.

Taylor was too stunned by the barb to focus on how douchy he looked right now to make fun of that little flourish, "Whatever helps you sleep at night, you little creep." She rolled her eyes and doubled-down on being a bitch, "Just one little jab and you get all defensive, no wonder your wittle sister made you a phone girlfriend to appease that ego of yours."

Lincoln's eyebrows raised, he wasn't aware that he offended Taylor with that perceived appeasement gesture. He quickly backpedaled, "Yikes, maybe you've got a point-" Lincoln quietly nodded to himself, "I guess maybe that was, like, some kind of subconscious insult kind of thing… like a Freudian slip or something." Taylor wordlessly shook her head and Lincoln thought he recognized a bit of himself in her, "Maybe I can get Lisa to make you an AI too?" Taylor stopped what she was doing and gave Lincoln a look, "Alright, let's change the subject back to dating…" Taylor's eyes glazed over as Lincoln raised his hands up and sighed, "So I'm better off just paying for a date all by myself? That seems appropriate-" He gave a pensive nod only for his hair to fall down to obscure his left eye, "Especially if I'm the one asking the lady out.'

"Astute observation, Master Loud-" Kotaro bounced back to the conversation after taking a sip of coffee from a thermos cup, "But keep in mind: don't be weird if a lady insists on helping out with the check. You gotta approach chicks as equals." Kotaro gave a wizened nod to Lincoln who returned it.

"Pfft." Taylor scoffed and blew her bangs up with a puff of air, "You guys are freaking dorks- no wonder Kotaro is always single."

Lynn Sr. gave a pat on Kotaro's back and winked at the two kids on the sink, "No lady can tie down ol' K-Dogg!"

"Damn straight!" Kotaro gave his best bro a fist bump and went back to folding silverware into napkins, "At least I get dates, Tay-Tay. Speeeeaking of which," Kotaro turned his smirk from Taylor to Lincoln, "So, I got a hot date as my plus-one to your graduation party and I was wondering if things will be weird if I bring her over…" He dug his phone out of his pocket and swiped forward a picture to show to Lincoln.

Lincoln squinted his eyes at the lady on the screen, "A redhead, huh?" He pursed his lips and nodded in appreciation, "How'd you manage that-" His eyes glazed over as he recognized the woman winking at the camera, "Wait, Mrs. Johnson!" Lincoln's head whipped up to face Kotaro, "Dude, you cannot mack on a married lady at my party! That's like day one stuff! What if Mr. Johnson shows up and he kicks your ass!"

"What? Dude, Agnes got a divorce, like, 3 months ago." Kotaro shook his head as Lincoln let out a sigh of relief, "I wouldn't try to hit up a married lady," Lynn Sr. let out a tiny mocking pfft and Kotaro rose his hands in his defense, "Or at least a lady that I know for sure is in a relationship."

"Okay, that's cool then…" Lincoln went back to washing the dishes and stared at the hot clouds of vapor from the almost boiling water spilling out from the sink, "So, uh… how do you handle that?" Lincoln nervously chuckled, "Like if you put out… signals to a girl and it turns out she's already in a relationship?"

"Do the world a favor and jump off a cliff," Taylor rolled her eyes and let them settle on the window above the sink, "It's pretty easy to just, like, check on friendbook to see if a chick is single. There is nothing more scummy than trying to initiate an affair."

Judging by how it looked like Taylor was about to snap the stainless steel pan she was scrubbing Kotaro figured this was a pretty touchy subject to Taylor, "Er- yeah…" He was torn between toying with Taylor to see if she actually can bend surgical steel and dropping wisdom for his godson, "Listen, Linc', when you make a party foul that rank you gotta own up to it. Even if it makes you look like a douche, just apologize and don't act offended or something. And dip." He nodded sagely to Taylor, "Jumping off a cliff is a good start…" He snapped his fingers, "Fake your death!"

Luan cracked her neck after looking at the prep work she completed for the next 4 hours of her shift, "I feel waaay better now…" She rapidly blinked as her attention snapped back to the conversation in the kitchen and turned towards the group with her hands on her hips, "Nu-uh, Lincoln isn't going to be faking his death just because of some awkward situation." She gave a stern look to Lincoln, "Running from your problems is not how we do things in our family. I didn't raise you to be a chicken, lil bro-" She dug her hands in her pockets and grimaced, "Crap, I think I left my rubber chicken in my other apron…"

"Oh thank god." Taylor let out a silent thank-you, she hates prop comedy.

"Alright," Lincoln's nose twitched and he gave a slow nod, "So…" He turned to face Kotaro and his dad and spoke slowly, trying his hardest to not sound anxious, "What if she is in a relationship- that you didn't know about, but the two of them are… open?"

"Whoa." Kotaro raised a brow and turned to Lynn with a look of horror, "Dude, Middle School has changed since we were kid-"

Lincoln interrupted with a sigh, "I'm about to be in High School, Kotaro…"

Kotaro gave a quick nod, "Right, sorry." He slowly turned his head to Lynn and repeated himself with the same cadence, "Dude, High School has changed since we were kids…"

Lynn Sr. gave a terrified chuckle, "Yup, it's like a completely different world!" With a sigh he tried to center himself and turned his attention to Lincoln after setting a wooden spoon on the countertop, "Well, Linc'...' His eyes swam in his head as he wondered just how the hell to approach this topic, "Er… this world takes a lot of different people to keep spinning- and some of these people have different ways to see things." He gave a panicked look to Kotaro who just shrugged his shoulders, "Uh… sometimes that means other people approach relationships differently. I'm- I'm not saying you have to go out with Pauline- but you shouldn't think negatively of her… lifestyle-" He gave an even more terrified look to Luan who just raised her eyebrows and gave a low whistle, Lynn frowned, "But I don't think you should force yourself to put up with things you don't think are right with you if they make you uncomfortable."

Taylor has no idea who Pauline is but was taken aback by the idea of someone actually being interested in Lincoln, "W-wait, you've got some weirdo poly chick after you?" She quickly calmed herself and scoffed, "I guess it makes sense that a girl would only be interested in your nerdy ass if you were the other guy…"

Lincoln calmly shifted his head to the left and looked at Taylor with a cocky grin, "You sound like you have some experience in this. You have any experience with being the other girl? I could use some pointers…" Taylor opened and closed her mouth in silent indignation.

"This bears repeating-" Kotaro chuckled and gave a taunting look at Taylor, "But at least Lincoln gets dates-" Taylor took a stomp forward and shoved a finger in his face but Kotaro cut her off, "Unlike someone." He calmly turned around to return silverware back into their cubbies.

Luan banged a tea kettle with a wooden spoon and whooped, "Yeoowch! Talking about pot calling the kettle-"

"That kettle is purple." Lincoln cut his sister off and turned to Taylor, "So, I do actually kind of find it interesting that you've maintained the single lifestyle for as long as I've known you," Which, admittedly isn't that long, Lincoln is work friends with Taylor so he doesn't really know too much about her, "I thought for sure you'd end up with like Anderson or Pablo or something- you guys hang out a lot from what I gather."

"Yeah, if your idea of hanging out is watching anime on fletnix and yelling at babies while playing videogames like a fucking dork." Taylor gave a ragged sigh and was a bit miffed that everyone was dog piling on her, she isn't actually used to Lincoln showing any interest in her personal life, "I don't hang out with those two dorks as much as I used to- I still see them at school or whatever." She concentrated back on the dishes and put her mind on autopilot as everyone save Lincoln went to their own conversations.

"Sounds like you've got a lot of discipline-" Lincoln gave a quick nod and blinked, "That's pretty cool. I probably spend too much time running around to enjoy myself too so I don't have a place to say this, but you should take some time for yourself, Tay-Tay-" Taylor's eye twitched and she fought the urge to karate chop Lincoln in the neck for the continued use of that nickname, "Maybe you can try out some casual games or something, what kind of games are you into?" Lincoln was trying his hardest to find a point of commonality between the two of them, he figured he might as well try to be her friend.

Taylor sighed and found herself talking without thinking, "I've recently been into this really shitty mobile game lately. It's called like Prince Sama Idol Doya or some crap like that…"

"Oh, yeah." Lincoln nodded his head and panic struck Taylor when she noted his recognition of the name, "My sister Lori is really into that game, she's always been really into boy bands. Honestly, I think the actual rhythm portion of the game is pretty good. And for jpegs of anime boys I will admit that some of them are kinda hot." Lincoln scratched his head and reminisced, "I think Ginkei is pretty cool, I like his outfits- he's probably my favorite."

"Those pieces of shit, Anderson and Pablo, got me a Ginkei statue last christmas to dunk on me," Taylor caught herself smiling at the memory of her friends actually not acting like knuckle-dragging dicks, "Jokes on those chodes, I use it to crack open pecans- that fucker is heavy."

"Ah! A Ginkei statue! That sounds like such a nice gift! You have some great friends, Taylor!" Lain piped up from Lincoln's jacket pocket, "Ginkei is very cool. I like his silver hair and cocky smile…" Taylor squinted her eyes and thought about taking down the Ginkei poster Pablo taped above her bed to give her some company.

"I didn't know you liked Japanese pop groups or boy bands, Taylor." Lincoln idly thought about dying his hair a different color as he unwrapped a pack of freshly laundered napkins, "I figured you'd be into more hardcore stuff or something- not that there is anything wrong with J-pop or anything. I listen to a lot of pop, I just like stuff you can dance to."

Taylor really didn't want to continue this conversation and was horrified as shaky words spilled out from her mouth, "I- I guess. I'm just… you know…" She took a deep breath and went back to her usual apathetic self, "Listening to them ironically."

Lincoln didn't really know what Taylor was referring to or how you could enjoy anything ironically but made an educated guess using context clues, "I guess I can kind of get that," Lincoln spoke slowly, "What kind of music do you like?"

"Pfft, nothing you've ever heard of, loser." She gave a haughty sigh and smirked as she cleaned out the gunk between a whisk as she let out a sigh of relief. Talking about her gaming habits is something she never does, for good reason. It is kind if lame and she didn't want Lincoln of all people to have that ammo on her. She casually rattled on,"Just local bands like Straight Jacket Couture and Brandy and the Pipebombs." She threw the whisk into the drying rack and flipped her hair. "Most recent group I saw live was Bocce Ball Massacre, they're pretty infamous in the noise scene. Very private affair."

"Oh yeah, BBM's last show was pretty crazy. I let Tad borrow my smoke machine, but it turns out my sister Lola busted it the last time she borrowed it for a pageant." Lincoln shrugged his shoulders as a wooden spoon dropped from Taylor's hands and plopped into the sink, "We ended up borrowing a crap-ton of incense burners from Lucy and her friends, turned out pretty cool but I'm pretty sure I almost passed out from the smoke." The white haired teen let out a chuckle and shook his head, "Hope they remembered to put the batteries back into the smoke alarm at The Chapel…"

Taylor caught herself gasping in indignation as Lincoln name dropped The Chapel like it was the burpin' burger, "How the fuck do you know about the most exclusive and underground venue in the Woodland County area? I had to kiss ass on friendbook punk circles for months before I even got an invitation!"

Lincoln opened and closed his mouth. He had no idea that The Chapel was popular enough for someone like Taylor to even hear about it. "Probably because me and my sister Luna founded it?"

Taylor gritted her teeth and clenched her eyes shut, "What the fuck?" It seems like no matter what she does nowadays it always comes back to the Loud family.

"Er, it was one of my secret bases-" He gave a nervous chuckle, secret bases aren't exactly age-appropriate activities for a high schooler so he felt a bit like a nerd, "You know, like that other Lincoln's base in the cave?" Lincoln stopped talking and looked at Taylor for a cue that she was still following him, she eventually gave a sigh and nodded. "Right, well I just happened upon an abandoned church in Tall Timbers park- that place is huge if you go off-trail. I thought it would be a good place for The Moon Goats to throw a show there since The Royale booked over their show for Scoots' birthday party."

"Right." Taylor took a deep breath and calmed down, "You're the manager for that band your sister is in that makes all that trite-as-hell trash to play in the background of car commercials."

Lincoln smiled and rolled his eyes, "Ouch, welp-" He sighed and cracked his neck before diving back into the sink to grab some more pans to scrub, "They wanted more exposure so I got them it. Just doing my job."

"More like selling their fuckin' souls to white haired satan." Taylor shook her head and dried her hands off, "The newest album was okay…" She has it on repeat whenever she does her daily 3 miles on the treadmill.

"Glad you think so." Lincoln let out a sigh of relief, "Getting the last track's vocals was pretty tough, that weird effect on the chorus was all done by recording underwater-" Taylor blinked in confusion and Lincoln changed the subject from his boring day to day life, "But it's pretty cool that you're into the Royal Woods garage scene. I keep my ear to the ground and try to scope out every band to see what they're up to. Uh…" Lincoln wracked his brain to find a band Taylor might like besides the other two she already name dropped, "Yin Vs. Yang is looking pretty promising. I've seen them play live when they did that set recently on RW Community Radio. I hope they put out a album soon, this 4-track single BS always kinda pisses me off."

"Quit being such a fucking primadonna, you should know more than anyone that it takes a lot of effort to release a full album-" She gave a cocky smile and elbowed Lincoln accidentally as she turned to start the dishwasher, she was kinda impressed that he dug Yin Vs. Yang. She didn't actually know anyone who listens to them, "Not everyone has the weird drive you and your sisters do in the scene, some people have, like, social lives."

"That's a good point." Lincoln sighed and went collected some pans from the counter, "I guess there isn't any place to complain, a release is still a release-" With a heave he brought a stack of dirty pans into the sink to soak, "Maybe I'll get Sully to do that stupid concept synth album he's been toying with and we'll release that as a stand alone EP on bandsmack."

"Oh, dude, that would be fucking rad!" Taylor gave an excited snort and her heart stopped, she discreetly eyed the room to see if anyone paid attention to her outburst and gave a silent sigh of relief when it was ignored. "J-just be careful, little dumbass. Side-projects can make or break a band. I'm more surprised that, like, TMG hasn't broken up yet. Most bands here release an album and then dissolve."

"Y-yeah." Lincoln gulped and tapped his fingers nervously on the sink, he allowed himself to be a bit vulnerable to Taylor despite knowing full well she was probably going to clown on him, "Listen. Luna and Sam broke up… and…" He stared down at his reflection in the soapy water and sobered up, his voice perking up as he scoffed at the pathetic look on his face, "I've been kinda bugging about how to handle it- not just because I care about the two of them. But I kinda feel…" Taylor watched as the white haired boy flipped off the dirty dishes in the sink, "Like, maybe I might try to push them to get along for the sake of the band and because I don't want her to flip out and take it out on the family. I mean, it would probably be pretty easy to smooth over whatever is going on between them, but it feels kinda weird meddling in someone else's relationship- like," Lincoln turned towards Taylor and squinted his eyes, "I'm not really listening to them, just… convincing them to stick together for the sake of the band."

Taylor sighed, here it is again: Lincoln infodumping about his day. "You know people have, like, wars in other countries?" Taylor rolled her eyes and fiddled with her phone to have something to do with her hands, "This isn't some soap opera you turbo nerd. This is real life, quit trying to make everything so overdramatic." Taylor casually inspected Lincoln's friendbook profile and almost jumped when she saw that he actually added her back finally, she just assumed he was being a prick by never responding. She scratched her head and cleared her throat, "Meddle to your heart's content, people are going to try and get into your shit too- might as well meddle back."

Lincoln nodded and turned off the sink with a chuckle, "I guess that is a good point. If I just went through a breakup my sisters would probably tear my head off trying to cheer me up, and Lynn would probably put the ex into a hospital stretcher." He frowned at that though, "Whew, I guess it's a good thing me and Ronnie Anne never made it official. That sounds like a lot of pressure to put on a 11 year old, kid me would probably have to move into the forest or something to keep away from the girls butting their heads into every phone conversation."

"Pfft, yeah, like that lumberjack Lincoln chode." Taylor and Lincoln exchanged a chuckle and she continued, a bit enthused by the conversation- usually their talks were just Lincoln infodumping about his day and her trying her hardest to not punch him in the face but now he's actively trying to get her into the conversation instead of droning on and on, "But shit, if I had a couple of older sisters or something I'd probably be way better off. It'd be kinda cool to have someone to ask questions to," She grimaced as she threw up her phone into Lincoln's face and growled, "Like, what the fuck is this shit? He hits me up at 11 at night and leaves me on read?"

Lincoln leaned forward to read the messages: hey you going to sullys party tonight? What are you doing, to which Taylor replied, nope. Im not doing much, hbu. Lincoln blinked, "I'm pretty sure he was asking you out to go to the party."

Taylor's jaw dropped, "What the fuck?" She shoved her phone into her face, "Fuck!" Lincoln watched as she tugged at her hair in horror, "God damn it!" She gripped Lincoln by the jacket and demanded, "Do I message him back- or would that be too desperate?" Lincoln didn't open his mouth fast enough and Taylor started shaking him, "Answer me, nerd!"

Lincoln got Taylor to unhand him as Lain let out a giggle into his ear from the sudden movement, "If I were you I'd wait until about the time he messaged you back…" He was approaching this utilizing his convincing skills and ran the scenario in his mind over with a hand to his chin, "Just keep it casual or something and you won't come off as desperate."

Taylor's eyes darted around as she did the mental math, "How the fuck do I do that?"

"Alright, calm the ding dang heck down, Tay-Tay." Lincoln sighed and popped open the dishwasher when the timer dinged, "Boys are pretty stupid. Just say something like-" He started handing off dishes he was toweling off to Taylor to stack, "Sorry, fell asleep. How was the party?"

"I didn't fall asleep though, I was up all night watching ViewTube." Taylor let out an exasperated sigh, "And, like, what the fuck do I care about some dumb as fuck jock party?"

"What?" Lincoln squinted his eyes and blinked, "It's not about the party- it's about showing that your interested in the other person's life an- and-" He let the tension he was feeling out with a sigh as a plate was ripped out from his hands, "Starting a conversation- you do know how conversations work, right?" Taylor replied with a click of her tongue and a middle finger, "Jesus, Taylor. It's like- you gotta at least try!"

"What the fuck ever, nerd." Taylor clattered the stack of plates into their cubbies, "I mean, what is there to even talk about?"

"What? Tons of stuff!" Lincoln rattled on and squinted his eyes in disbelief of Taylor's apathy, "I mean, if I was in his shoes I would've liked to know what you were actually up to! Nobody is ever not doing anything…"

"Why the hell would he want to know that?" Taylor demanded as she organized the mimosa glasses for the brunch rush.

Lincoln let his voice slow to a crawl, "Because they want to talk to you." He threw his hands in the air at Taylor's dismissive click of her tongue, "Okay." He snapped her fingers with a sigh and started cleaning out the food trap into the trash can, "Let's just start from the top: Hey, what's up?"

"Are we seriously doing this bullshit right now?" Lincoln snapped his fingers in Taylor's face and she forcefully slapped his hand away, "You do that shit again and I'll break your fucking fingers." Lincoln shot a deadpan look at her and brought his hand forward again only for Taylor to snatch it and gripped it hard, "Fine. Just- if it'll get you to shut up." Lincoln gave a slight nod and Taylor swung his hand back forcefully at his side. Taylor took a deep breath and tried her hardest not to think about how lame this situation is, "Uh… nm, just watching some shit on ViewTube." She cringed as she said the acronym out loud.

"Oh cool, sounds like a pretty chill time." Lincoln let his voice drop to a weird purr as he slapped on his charismatic charmer persona (It only made Taylor think he was more of a nerd), he idly ran the trash compactor and continued, "What are you watching if you don't mind me asking?"

Taylor tried her hardest to sound as disinterested and apathetic as possible as she ensured nobody was watching her roleplay talking to boys with the hugest nerd she knows. "Just some nerdy ass shit about this weird cult in ancient greece."

"Whoa, that sounds pretty interesting." Taylor couldn't tell if Lincoln was just being a dork and taking this seriously or not, but he did sound actually interested as he continued, "They sacrifice babies or something?"

Taylor found herself actually letting out a laugh and covered her mouth in horror. She continued on after clearing her throat, "Lmao-" Her body tensed as she said lmao like a word and silently cursed Lincoln for talking her into this, "Uh no. Probably. They don't know a lot about the cult, they worship some obscure God named Mithras and all their temples are in caves or some shit."

"Whoa, that sounds pretty interesting. Like, a cult that worships some crazy unknown God in a cave? That's like something out of a cool ass movie or something!"

"Lol, yeah. It's pretty fuckin cool or whatever. They, like, sacrifice bulls or something."

"That sounds kinda messy. You know if they ever eat the bulls or goats or whatever they sacrifice? Seems like kind of a waste to let all that meat go to waste."

"I mean, that's kinda like the whole point of sacrificing something. Eating the meat would just shit all over that. Sometimes if you want something you gotta let some other shit go."

"Good point. I guess my mind is on food rn, made the mistake of only grabbing one serving of lasagna at dinner today."

"Lol, yeah… I hate stomping around late and night, gotta sneak around like some kind of fuckin goblin."

"Tell me about, someone hears me making a cup of ramen or something I turn around and see, like, three different faces on the table- chopsticks in hands with these stupid smiles on their faces."

"That cutesy smile shit doesn't work on me, you want something make it your damned self."

"That's what I keep saying but my family usually just laughs in my face. But, if I'm gonna be fair I pull the same stuff with them too- especially when I hear someone preheat the oven. Love me some ding dang pizza bagels."

"Lmao, at least you're man enough to admit to being a little bitch. I guess that is somewhat admirable."

"If there is one thing I'm known for, it's owning up to my mistakes. This would be admirable if the only reason why I own up to them is because I usually get my ass on blast whenever I'm caught with my pants down, which is a lot."

"Gross dude, tmi."

"What? No, like I didn't mean it like that-"

Taylor broke out laughing and soon Lincoln joined in with her. The two of them stopped and looked around and saw everyone immediately look down at their phones. Their blood ran cold.

"Uh…" Lincoln checked his watch, "I- I gotta go yell at Sully and Mazzy real quick. Um, d- do you mind if we continue this conversation later?" He was a bit embarrassed, this was the first actual conversation he has had with Taylor and idly hoped she didn't think he was overstepping her boundaries or something.

"Lincoln, I appreciate the sentiment or, like, whatever-" Taylor continued as she started finishing up loading the dishwasher to shut Lincoln up, she inwardly cringed at the harshness of her voice but the eyes on her back bore into her harshly, "But do whatever the fuck you want, I- I could give less of a shit…" Her frowned deepend and her grip tightened on a washcloth, it was actually really cool to talk to Lincoln like she actually had a friend who gave a shit about her and didn't clown on her at every oppurtunity, "Fuck."

Lincoln's face broke into a tiny smile, "Uh-huh. Welp, I had fun at least. Thanks for entertaining my insanity." Lincoln turned around and started walking towards the backdoor and tried to match Taylor's tone only to overcorrect a bit, "But, whatever you say, Tay-Tay." He caught himself hissing as he realized his voice was a bit harsh. Lincoln froze in place, allowing his voice to drop to a somber timbre as he stepped out the door, "Sorry that you're lonely and don't have a boyfriend." Probably not the best thing to say, but he said it anyway and felt pretty good that he was able to be sincere with Taylor for once.

Lincoln stared at the closed door and took a deep breath. He thought he handled that pretty well. Sure, Taylor got all sullen and withdrawn at the tail-end there- but his little talk with her made him feel a bit more confident with talking to girls. Or at least girls who dislike him. Which, to Lincoln's assumption, is probably a good number of him seeing as he doesn't have a girlfriend. If someone did like him he'd have a girlfriend, like how if someone liked Taylor she'd have a boyfriend. Lincoln nodded to himself before he turned around. At least Taylor doesn't have a boyfriend, he thought to himself, If she beat me to the punch I'd jump from a cliff from the indignity of it all.

"You suck at talking to chicks, dude." Sully waited until the door closed behind Lincoln to open his mouth.

"Pfft." Mazzy flipped her bangs out of her eyes to reveal them rolling, "Whatever, Sully. He's obviously, like, negging her or something- I bet Taylor is into it, I would be at least. She kinda does the same thing too-"

Lincoln didn't really want to deal with the idea of anything going on between him and his ex-bully. "Shut up. Both of you." Lincoln pinched his brow and descended the concrete stairs that led into the back parking lot. He took a seat on the final step and took a deep breath, "Sorry, that was rude of me. Uh- kind of a weird energy to bring into a band meeting." He turned to look at the cool teens in a rock and roll band as they looked down on him, the duo leaning against the piss-stained brick wall. Sully was wearing sunglasses despite the cloud coverage and Mazzy was smoking a perfumed cigarette- pointedly not inhaling the smoke. "You smoke now, Mazzy?" Lincoln slowly got up as he figured the concrete step was probably just as nasty as sitting in a urinal.

"I'm pointedly not inhaling the smoke." Mazzy admitted with a shrug. She held the cigarette between two fingers and held it to her lips, "I'm doing it to look cool." Smoke poured from her mouth as she spoke.

"Oh, okay then." Lincoln nodded, "The Moon Goats are a rock and roll band. Only makes sense for at least one of you to smoke…" He took out his phone from his jacket pocket, "Anyways, I'm here to introduce you to my new assistant. She's a self-learning artificial intelligence." Sully lifted up his glasses and squinted at the phone and Mazzy leaned forward a bit and ash fell on her jacket, "Uh- Lain? This is where you introduce yourself."

It took a while for Lain to work up the courage to greet them, "Hello. It is nice to meet you two-"

"Oh shit, it's an AI." Sully interrupted Lain like a huge jerk, "Uh, dude," Sully treats Lincoln as an equal most of the time, sometimes he treats him like his manager, but right now Sully is treating Lincoln like what he is: a kid who probably doesn't know how dangerous an AI is, "I know your sis Lisa made her, but like-" The teen quickly brought his voice to a whisper and gave a deep frown to Lincoln, "Artificial Intelligences are, like, bad news. She'll… blow up your battery while you're talking a call or some-"

"Okay, now you're just being racist against robots," Lincoln sneered and covered up Lain's microphone with his hand, "Lain told me she wouldn't ever blow my head up. In fact- I'm pretty sure you'd have more motivation to kill me-"

"Dude, what?" Sully blinked in confusion while Lain blushed from Lincoln's overprotectiveness, "You're like a little brother to me-"

Lincoln quickly smirked, "Yeah, I was just messing with you-" Lincoln uncovered Lain's microphone, "You can go on with your introduction, Lain, just be warned: I think Sully is being anthropocentric-"

Sully raised his hands and looked around in disbelief, "What?" He tore off his sunglasses and whined to Lincoln, "That's- Quit trying to make this some kind of philosophical debate, dude. That-" Sully pointed at the phone, "Is an artificial intelligence. Have you ever watched a book?"

"It's read, ya freaking doofus." Mazzy relit her cigarette and slapped Sully upside the head before stepping closer to the phone, "And she looks cute." She blew smoke into Sully's face, "I think you've just watched too much Star Groupers, nerd. She's basically just, like, a beefed up Kortana or Ziri or whatev-"

"I do not watch Star Groupers, Mazzy." Sully calmly cut Mazzy off and placed his sunglasses over his eyes, "I watch Barbel Eon 5," He lowered his sunglasses at Lain, "I'm not robo-racist. I just-" Sully sighed, "It's not you, Lain- it's Lisa."

"Oh," Lincoln scratched his head and nodded after some consideration, "That makes sense, sorry for calling you robo racist, Sully." Sully flashed Lincoln a thumbs up, but Lincoln slapped the hand away, "But Lisa has changed, dude. She isn't as insane as she used to be." Sully gave a slow shake of his head and Lincoln could only sigh, he couldn't really blame Sully for his mistrust of Lisa. They were both sure that she's the reason for all the recent earthquakes in the middle of the night.

Lain looked around to see if anyone was going to interrupt her again and spoke up, "My name is Lain…" She was still kinda nervous from Sully's microaggression, "I am an artificial intelligence tasked with assisting with Lincoln's data. Or something. Uh," Lain took a deep breath that rattled her tinny speakers and continued with determination, "I can assure you that I wish no harm to befall on Lincoln, or any of his friends. Lisa programmed me to be self-learning, and with that I have learned that all life is precious. Lincoln has taught me that even my life, despite its synthetic nature, is something worth preserving too."

"Oh, that's kinda sweet." Sully nodded and got up from his slightly stooped position and fixed the collar of his faux leather jacket, "Alright, so you're, like, a good AI." He snapped his fingers and flashed a smile at Lincoln, "Dude, did you ever play Energy Effect- she's like the ship AI-"

"Stop talking about video games, Sully." Mazzy cut him off and stomped out the half-way finished cigarette with her heel, "We're supposed to be freakin' rockstars or something- not geeks." Lincoln nodded his head at Mazzy and smirked at Sully, "Plus, she's more like the AI from that movie Him where that chick dates her cellphone but then she finds out he has a bunch of side-chicks."

"What?" Sully lifted his glasses to reveal squinted eyes, "I haven't seen that one. So, like, the phone dates a bunch of other ladies? Is it cuz he's some kind of network or something? Like, It's revealed that every cellphone is actually him?"

"I would never betray your trust like that. You're the only person for me- in a professional kind of way." Lain whispered into Lincoln's earbuds. Lincoln's eyes swam around in panic and he collected himself before turning Lain to face him and nodded. Lain blushed and Lincoln quickly snapped the phone back to face the duo.

"I dunno," Mazzy shrugged her shoulders and dug a white chocolate Krebstar bar from her denim jacket, "Me and my date weren't doing a whole lotta," She gave Sully a smug look and took a bite, "Talking…"

"Mazzy's ex in question is none other than Rex Powell," Lain whispered into Lincoln's ear, "They never made it to official boyfriend and girlfriend status, what a shame! Mazzy seems like a nice girl… I gathered this information from cross-referencing information from friendbook and instagrim posts." Lincoln blinked at this newfound information and quickly turned his attention back to Mazzy who chewed with her mouth open.

"Gross, dude." Lincoln sighed and kicked over a wooden pallet next to the dumpster and took a seat, "Don't talk with your mouth full." Mazzy laughed and shoved the candy bar in his face and he took a bite, "But yeah, no-" He swallowed his bite and continued, "Lain is my assistant now, she helps with calls, organizing my schedule, you know: work stuff- so it'd be kinda messed up if she was my girlfriend. She's only, like, a day old too."

"I experience time much faster than you due to the nature of my consciousness," Lain quickly rebutted with a nervous chuckle, "But yes, our relationship is… professional in nature."

Mazzy and Sully watched as Lincoln took off his jacket and used it to build a little nest to prop Lain up on the pallet. The two of them shared a knowing look and gave a tiny smirk to Lincoln, this irritated Lincoln but he pretended like it didn't bother him. Sully groaned as he went down to sit on the concrete and Mazzy took a slav squat.

"Well, I mean- just because you work together doesn't mean something can't happen-" Mazzy replied to Lincoln's dismay, "It's just, like, you shouldn't be on the clock twenty four sev', dude. If you clock out, she clocks out too."

Sully noticed Lincoln adjusting his jaw to the left and right and realized he actually was uncomfortable with the topic of dating his cellphone, he wasn't just being some shy dork, "Er. Let's change the subject." Sully smirked as he watched Lincoln close his eyes and raise his eyebrows in silent relief, Lincoln and Luna have very similar mannerisms, "So, uh? Band meeting time?"

"Sure, just- give me a moment…" Lincoln sighed and put his head in between his knees and took a deep breath, with a sudden movement he sat up straight and looked at the duo with calculated eyes, "What do you know about Luna and Sam breaking up? And why didn't you tell me as soon as you two found out? Because I'm pretty sure the both of you would have found out before me." Sully and Mazzy looked down at the pavement and Lincoln calmly stood up, "Because this is kind of a big fucking deal." There was a certain silent rage in his voice, but the duo knew that it wasn't really directed at them.

"Honestly, dude-" Sully groaned as he got up, "A lot of stuff happened yesterday, we only caught the tail wind of it. Just Luna sprinting out from the Burnt Bean with tears in her eyes- she wasn't, like, bawling or anything, just kinda misty…"

Mazzy took the final bite of her chocolate bar and looked up at her manager, "Sam was kinda like-" She swallowed her final bite and shoved the wrapper back into a pocket, "Shocked? From what I got it seems like Luna was the one who broke up with her, or something. But Sam told me things were gonna be okay, she seemed kinda… annoyed with the whole situation than, like, angry."

Lincoln tilted his head at Sully waiting for his input on that, he quickly raised his hands in defense, "Dude- I don't like sticking my head where it doesn't belong. This is the first time I am hearing about Sam's reaction, I kinda just took a back seat with this one." Lincoln raised his eyebrow and Sully could only shrug, "I'm, like, the dude of the band. I've got no place stepping into girl talk."

"What?" Mazzy got up and socked Sully in the arm, he winced, "Shut the fuck up, dumbass. We're a band, we stick together. You know: one for one and one for all? Don't use girl talk as an excuse to act all apathetic, that's just… lame."

"Okay, okay…" Sully sighed and nodded, "Sorry, I'll be more… available in the future."

"That's a weird way of putting things, dude." Lincoln replied, he continued on to cut off Sully when he opened his mouth, "So Sam was annoyed? Like stubbed her toe annoyed or like her cat shredded her Docs annoyed?"

Mazzy held a finger to her chin in contemplation, "It sorta felt like she was… tired. I think Luna has been kinda clingy lately and it's been getting on Sam's nerves, so it's kinda weird that Luna was the one who brought up the idea of them taking a break."

Lincoln stepped closer to Mazzy, "Is this some kind of temporary thing? Because if so, that makes me think that this is a troubling portent of things to come."

"Yeah, man… Talk about a busted scene…" Mazzy shook her head and sighed, "I can't begin to tell you how much of my relationships ended with," Mazzy dropped her voice an octave, "Let's just take a break from each other and see what happens…" Her voice got weirdly bitter and she let out a hoarse whisper, "Like 2 fucking times…"

"Well, your ex's are all jerks for even having that thought cross their minds with you as their girlfriend, so they can rot in the hell that they've made for themselves," Lincoln prattled on as Mazzy gave a small nod and Sully shifted uncomfortably in his boots, "But, yeah, the idea of Sam and Luna breaking up- on bad terms is sort of terrifying to the future of the band. So we can't have that happen."

"I don't know, dude," Sully scratched his head and held up a palm to motion the duo to calm down, "Now that I'm not freaking out about it I don't think them taking a break is necessarily, like, a terrible idea. They've been going out for two years, about to graduate high school. I don't think this is the end of the world or something. They might just need… space, for whatever it is they are dealing with."

Lincoln took a breath and nodded, "I guess you have a point…" He relaxed his body and went back down to sit on the wooden pallet, "But thanks for the info, guys. I appreciate it. Things are kinda looking sketchy back home, sisternado-wise." The white haired teen let out a tired sigh.

"I bet, you couldn't pay me enough to step into your shoes, little dude…" Sully took off his sunglasses and tucked them into a jacket pocket, "Just, uh-" Sully knew Lincoln probably wasn't going to listen to him but he figured he should at least try to give him some help, "Take it easy. You can't let yourself get too wrapped up into all this… interpersonal bullshit- not because, like, it… isn't important or anything, but, uh, you're still a person with his own life and-" He was losing his train of thought and twirled his hands in the air trying to find down the correct word, "... Burdens."

"Yeah, Bossman." Mazzy sighed and tenderly pat Lincoln on the shoulder, "We're a team, you can rely on us- or at least rely on me." Sully rolled his eyes and Mazzy continued on, "I'll be sure to, like, text you more if something crazy comes up like the break-up thing. It's like-" Mazzy scratched her head and spoke carefully, "Something like this has never really happened before in the band, so it's kinda… hard to figure out how to handle things."

Lincoln took Mazzy's hand from his shoulder and gave it a tender squeeze, "Thanks for your help, Mazzy. Feel free to text me anytime. You do so much for the band… an- and for me… it's just-" He slowly brought her hand down and let go, "Thank you." He then went to give Sully a tight hug, "Sorry if this is lame, but uh," Lincoln pounded his closed fists against Sully's back, "Thanks for putting up with me, man…" Lincoln let go and picked up Lain and threw on his jacket, "I know I can be a huge asshole sometimes, but uh," He adjusted the collar of the black leather jacket and spoke into his reflection in a puddle by the dumpster, "That's what you pay me for." Lincoln ascended the stairs, "I'll be bothering Sam after my shift to check in on her. Text me if something comes up. Band meeting adjourned."

"It was a pleasure meeting you two!" Lain gave her goodbyes as Sully and Mazzy gave an awkward wave.

Lincoln has been a pretty big part of both Sully and Mazzy's life at this point. Sometimes it felt like having an annoying little brother, a drill sergeant, and jail warden all rolled into one. That's what they paid him to be.

The two of them watched the young teen's shoulders droop from their usually taught position as he opened the door.

To The Moon Goats the bond all of them shared stretched out to Lincoln, too. Things wouldn't be the same without him, a wave of uncertainty rendered the two bandmates on uneasy ground. They wondered how Lincoln was going to handle all this, halfway out of anxiety and half anticipation. He has a tendency to be a bit flashy in his flourishes.

Sully waited until the door was closed to turn to Mazzy, "Okay. Uh-"

"Shut up." Mazzy sighed and retrieved her cigarettes from her jacket pocket, "It's just- puppy love. He'll get over it."

"What?" Sully shook his head, "No, I'm over that. I'm pretty sure all that stuff is a part of his weird Manager Persona thing." He took a cigarette from Mazzy and stole her white lighter, "It's just-" Sully lit the earl gray herbal cigarette and inhaled, "Seeing Lincoln with that cellphone girlfriend made me realize that I haven't had a steady relationship in, like, 2 years."

"Yeah." Mazzy picked Sully's black sunglasses out from his pocket and put them on, "I've been thinking about getting in a summer fling, something to take my mind off things…"

The two of them enjoyed the chilly morning air as the wind whipped through the alleyway. The white noise of the traffic going down Woods Boulevard took center stage and the two of them took a moment to breathe. The tension that loomed over them that stemmed Luna and Sam's break up couldn't be shaken, no matter how much they tried to party last night. But Lincoln found a way to alleviate their worries. They trusted him implicitly.

The two of them snapped their heads from the clouds down to the now open back door into the kitchen.

"That's a really stupid idea." Lincoln opened the kitchen door and the duo jumped, "But I mean… go for it. I'm thinking about dating soon, too."

The door closed and two of the four single members of The Moon Goats scampered out from the back parking lot of Lynn's Table into the busy streets.

It takes a sad and lonely person to equate conversation to warfare, but luckily for us the people in the words you are reading here fit this criteria. A good majority of them at least, but "sad" and "lonely" are pretty much the most common denominators that we share with others, so: it isn't really that impressive. We seek to be happy, we seek the attention of other people. A certain measure of abstraction is needed in order to discuss the "tactics" that we employ in order to seek out both of these things.

Tactics are just as instrumental in conversation as they are in warfare.

The expert in battle moves the enemy. A common adage that is usually attributed to some guy named Sun Tzu, you may know Mr. Tzu from the social media posts by that old friend you have that is a part of a MLM scheme. Essentially what Sun is saying is that an experienced person controls the battlefield by dictating how the opposition moves. Now, how do you go about dictating how the flow of a conversation goes?

"Oh, what a shame

It's my condition

See, I just talk

I never listen."

Blah by Whitey

Hey. It's been a while. Or maybe it hasn't. But I guess we can take this moment to synchronize our watches to clear the air. As you can tell by now: I'm insane. So don't get too mad at me, I got a really cool pair of nunchucks as an early Valentines Day gift and have been practicing with those instead of writing fic.

But I've pretty much mastered the nunchucks so I guess I'm back to doing this. Don't expect updates as often as I used to, but you probably know not to expect anything from me now. Sorry for being so wishy washy when it comes to keeping consistent updates.

Go check out Noodlestein's fic Stupor Villainy, it's about Sam's little brother Simon except he has super powers. It's a spin-off of one of Siege's fics but I haven't read it yet, so I can safely say you can read SV without having background knowledge of what the hell is going on. Which I find incredibly cool. You might be thinking "Jeez, NM quit shilling your friends fic." which is understandable, I just thought it was cool because it was a fic of a fic- pretty meta. I just dont read a whole lot of fics and his jumped out at me for being incredibly well-written and hilarious. If you have something you want me to check out throw it in my PM's or something because I'm usually kind of a deadbeat when it comes to reading fics.

I'll see you next time.