Dear Papyrus,

I know how strange this might sound, I mean, yeah, having a one sided conversation with a piece of paper - without actually talking, really- might just be the craziest thing I have ever done in my life, but after today's events I got to the dramatic conclusion that you're the only one who seems to understand me, definitely the only one who's willing to actually listen to me, the one and only friend to whom I can confide every single secret no matter how dark or silly, without fearing that I might be judged, without being misinterpreted….without getting split into half or pulverized- and let me just tell you that these are only few of the threats I managed to get today…

Anyway, you'll never guess what happened this morning, and before you start assuming that it has something to do with my currently inexistent love life, let me just shatter from the start your any doubt…No Prince Charming has crossed my path so far, not one single male actually- Prince Charming or not, only Joxer who's still drooling every time he sees me, but he doesn't count. At this rate I think I'll even settle for a frog… So no, my problem actually involves Xena…and Ares. Yeah, you heard me right, Ares, God of War….That Ares, out of all people…..I swear, just thinking about it, makes my stomach twist and turn in a very unpleasant way…

I made you curious didn't I? Well, trust me, you do have every reason to be, gods know I was…Come to think about it, I should have stayed out of it, from the very beginning. I just knew that he was up to something, that arrogant Bastard! I could feel it…I should have listened to my gut…My sixth sense is never wrong….I mean remember that time when I told Xena that we should keep away from any type of Roman pottage, spicy or not ? Boy was I right! Three days, three whole days, that's how much it lasted until we were able to walk for more than one hour without having to crap behind a bush every fifty yards! ….But let's go back to what's really bugging me….

So…how should I put this into words? ….and I call myself a Bard…As I said, everything went awfully wrong starting this morning. I woke up pretty early…Unusually early so to say, given that I'm not what they call a morning person….Actually, if there's one thing Aphrodite and I agree upon, is that beauty sleep is crucially important….Ten hours would represent the minimum of nocturne hibernation accepted….But still, today, not long after sunrise, my eyes were wide open and my ears even more perceptive than my eyes, as a very strange sound came from the other side of the camp fire….

I didn't turn around at first, trying to figure out what it was, doing my best to evaluate the gravity of the situation...How many attackers were there, and where the heck was Xena? I slowly reached my hand for the staff; whatever it was, I needed to be ready for any type of attack. Just when I was about to turn around and face the danger though, I heard them…the voices, talking….Well, it wasn't really a conversation, not a normal one anyway, if one could dare rank it like that...

" Let me get this off you, Sweetheart….Gods you're so hot….Why on earth didn't you call me earlier? " he murmured, in a low, sensual voice. And yes, the he I'm talking about was none other than Ares.

I completely froze while waiting for Xena's line…Was this really happening? Right there?! Only a few feet away from me?! With...Ares? I'm sure you can imagine my shock, right? I mean, was I missing something here?!

For a few torturously long seconds, my friend didn't say anything, she just moaned….A deep, guttural moan, that made my breath stop somewhere in between my lungs and my throat.

" Shhhh….don't move….I need to…"

" Just be gentle will you? "she pleaded, and my mind instantly starting projecting various scenarios before my eyes…..For how long was this happening behind my back?! Like literally behind my back…

" Have I ever been otherwise?"

" Oh please, you don't know the first thing about this! "

" I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. But keep talking. It helps….It keeps your mind busy." he replied, chuckling softly at her line. At this point, I was literally agape.

" Arghhhhhh. Gods Ares, I said gently…And place a bit of pressure will you…Lower….lower damn it! "

"I'm doing my best here, ok? Just…stand still, I need to push this deeper….Can you turn around for me?"

" You really like talking dirty, don't you?" she answered.

They both laughed, but I could hear Xena doing exactly what he asked of her, shifting in her bedroll. …..

"Good girl…..Mmmm….This is not so bad…Can you feel this….?"

" What do you think?"

" Does it hurt…..?"

I barely held back my sneer….Did he have a mammoth cock or something? Was he that big? He was a God, yeah, but come on! It's not like Xena's a Hestian virgin!

"No…"

" Good…..Arch your back for me….."

" Ouch!" she exclaimed, moaning some more. I rolled my eyes at the sound, a part of me still refusing to believe that this was not some stupid dream I was having.

" Shhhh….You'll wake Blondie…Gods you're all wet…Are you sure you don't want me to take you to one of my temples or something?"

"Yes I'm sure….We can as well do it here…"

" You can be so frustratingly stubborn at times! Fine. I need you to relax, ok? This might sting a little….."

"Just push it already, I can't stand it anymore…."

" Wait….we need to do this right. The last thing I want is for you to yell at me later that I didn't do it properly…"

" I won't ..come on…."

"Look at it first. What do you think?"

" Are you gonna push it all through? Isn't it too big?"

"Just the tip…You know how it's done, you've done it a thousand times before. Are you nervous?"

" Well…given the circumstances…"

Yeah, given the circumstances…Maybe you should have gotten a room, and then, there would have been no circumstances for you to worry about! I almost shouted, furious about their ridiculous lack of respect. Having sex while someone else was snoring just on the other side of the campfire?! Who does that?! Surprises kept pouring that morning though...

"You'll live. Open your mouth….Ready?"

Another series of moans this time, endless moans followed, as her breath got heavier and heavier.

" Oh Gods, Ares!"

" Shhhh….Hey, don't touch it ….it will hurt like Tartarus! Be patient! Are you ok? You look a little pale…"

" I need to lie down…"

"Not yet….Just two more minutes and I'm done, ok?"

" Make it quick, I'm gonna faint soon."

A few moments passed with my friend moaning and panting and with Ares mildly encouraging her…..They sounded absolutely disgusting ….

" Here we go, Princess…..How does it feel?"

Princess...He called her Princess. I've only heard him call her that once, but as far as I could remember, she snapped at him back then, telling him how much she hated that pet name...She didn't seem to have any objections about it now, though...

" Ohhhh surprisingly good actually…..How did you do that?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you…A man has to have a few aces up their sleeve, right? That's my secret technique…."

"You really need to teach me …." she said in a pleased voice.

"If you behave, maybe I'll feel generous enough as to do just that…."

She started laughing.

" Ouch!"

" Hey! Don't move or I might push it deeper than I'm supposed to! One more time, Honey….Come on….Do you want me to tie your hands?"

To tie her hands? The pervert! He made me sick!

"No….I can do it…. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

This time, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that was a scream! That was definitely a scream….I instantly turned around. What was he doing to her, the savage?

…. All my senses went into alert when, jumping out of my bedroll, I noticed Xena 's ghostly visage and Ares , by her side, pulling a glowing hot iron shaft from her shoulder. He had been obviously trying to cauterize a heavily bleeding wound. I was speechless….

CHAPTER 2 COMING UP SOON, GUYS! IN THE MEANTIME FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A REVIEW AND TELL ME IF YOU LIKED THE IDEA OR NOT:)