Happy second Sunday of Advent!

My girlfriend is in quarantine and has started reading this story. Since she knows the original story, she called me two days ago and told me that some sentences in the different chapters do not match in meaning with the original.

Since I am also in quarantine, I spent the last two days checking back through all the posted chapters and found some sentences that didn't match and corrected them.

I have to apologize, but translating these first fifteen chapters - since it was the first time for me as well - was very difficult for me. You have to get the feel of it first. Even my beta reader can only work with what I send her. With her help I got better.

But that was four months ago.

I also have to say that I was so excited to finally start posting the story (I wanted a third of it translated first) that I didn't cross-check the chapters one more time. Won't happen to me again. (Verena)

Chapter 14

Clarity

Edward

'This time, are you willing to do anything Bella might ask you to do?' asked Carlisle matter-of-factly.

I spent the rest of the night trying to find an answer to that question.

The question was extensive. It not only included what Bella had once asked me to do - to change her. But also, the exact opposite - my avoiding her for the rest of her life and keeping myself away.

And everything in between.

When Samantha had fooled me, I had been willing to concede ANYTHING to her. But that didn't mean it was also the right thing to do. My reasons for leaving Bella at that time still applied. I was dangerous. Not only because I was basically a vampire and therefore so much stronger. With just one thoughtless move I could shatter the bones in her body. On the other hand, I was also able to juggle precious crystal glasses.

But I was especially threatening to Bella because I was attracted to her blood. I doubted that that had changed. I had attacked Samantha without thinking about the consequences and without asking if I was just acting like a monster. The attraction had been no stronger than with Bella. I was sure of that by now. I had replayed that night again and again in my mind's eye. But I still didn't know if it was because of Samantha's appearance that I had thought about Bella's blood. Either way I had not hesitated for a moment.

Moreover, my world in general was too dangerous. We were not the only vampires but every now and then we encountered others. Having a defenseless person with you could quickly lead to disagreements and aggressive behavior. Of course, not everyone would be a tracker like James, but never-the-less, arguments would ensue. Very few of our kind would understand or tolerate it. At some point it would be too much for Carlisle and he would demand consequences with a final decision from me.

However, two of my reasons back then had fallen away.

First, we could not produce children. Carlisle was convinced of this and I had no reason to question it. How would it even be possible? Strictly speaking, we were already dead. Our bodies were unchanging so pregnancy was absolutely impossible. If it were possible, Rose would have a dozen children by now. But Bella already had children. Twins. So, I wouldn't be taking that away from her anymore.

The second - omitted - reason was a man. I had not left Bella so she could live her life alone. However, I had no certainty about this. I was only sure that the twins' father did not exist in their lives anymore.

I wasn't sure it was really Bella, either. How was I supposed to find the answer when I didn't even know that? I needed to be certain.

The next school day was not very helpful. Jake and Leah had their thoughts better under control and didn't allow me even the slightest glimpse of their mother.

But he had cursed in his mind that I could probably be patient for one more day. They were ready to tell me something. But only tomorrow. I wondered what the reason might be.

The next morning, I drove to school before my adopted siblings.

None of them had any idea of my suspicions yet and I wanted to keep them ignorant until I was sure myself. And until I knew what Bella expected of me. Maybe she would send me away. Forever. Not only me, but also Alice and Esmé. That would hurt them a lot. It was enough for only me to have to struggle with this uncertainty, though I had little doubt who Jake and Leah's mother was.

They stood before me, hand in hand, to give each other strength.

"Your mother is my Bella!" I said cautiously, inwardly bracing myself for the possibility that my judgment might prove me wrong after all. But they confirmed my silent hope. It was Bella! My Bella. Here. In Saco.

The two glared at me cold and spiteful.

My eyes widened in dismay that Bella had apparently been at death's door twice and I, of all people, was supposed to be responsible.

There was nothing more important to me than Bella's life. I could never do anything to her deliberately. I had left to ensure her survival, not to kill her.

I barely noticed that my siblings had arrived as Jake began to focus. His plan was to show me his worst and cruelest memories. And they were bad. They were cruel. They rocked me to my foundation. Deprived me of my raison d'être. They upset me to the core and I thought I was going to break from the inside out. My heart, dead and cold for so long, exploded into little splinters.

What had I put Bella through? She was human. She shouldn't mourn a high school sweetheart for so long, and certainly not so intensely. I had never doubted her love for me, but considered it far less possessive than my love for her had been. We were different creatures who experienced our feelings in different ways. But I was obviously mistaken. She was as infatuated with me as I was with her. I could not live without Bella and Bella could not live without me. At least for a time! For she had turned to another man. It had not been easy for him to bring Bella out of her comatose state, but he had succeeded in the end. And I basically had his life on my conscience, because I had not sufficiently ensured that Bella was truly safe.

Of course, Jake and Leah had to loathe me to the core. I had taken their father away from them and thereby pushed Bella once again to the brink of death. She was ready to end her life. I was responsible for that. I deserved death for all that I had done to her. It was far too lenient a punishment. Being pushed into such an abyss twice was something a person could not bear, and for both times I was responsible. I had forfeited my life.

At some point I saw Alice in front of me, but I didn't hear her.

I heard nothing and was only fixated on my own tortured thoughts after the relentless images from Jake had ended.

Shortly after Alice left, I saw Jake before my dead eyes, that now perceived little of the world. He directed my gaze right at him and I listened in on his thoughts again.

If he wanted to continue to torment me with his memories, I would endure it without complaint. I deserved it.

But Jake confused me. The memories that now followed were friendly.

They calmed me. Immensely. Bella had become a strong and self-confident woman. How was that possible after all the suffering she had endured because of me? I realized the answer. The love for her children. She lived only for them and was ready to do anything for them.

My body slowly relaxed and my senses started to perceive the world again. Jake's slap helped bring the last bit back to reality back to me and the first thing I saw was Samantha barbarically pull him away from me.

My siblings were shocked at Sam's brutal ways and barely voiced them audibly, but had misgivings about intervening.

"The blow wasn't hard," Alice tried to calm her.

"Put him down, Samantha," Rosalie asked sternly.

"It wasn't an attack on him," Emmett noted.

"Be reasonable," Jasper spoke gently.

I heard in Jake's thoughts how he was slowly running out of air and immediately got to my feet. My siblings thought that rushing to grab Samantha was too dangerous. With one unconscious movement - believing she was being attacked - she might accidentally break his neck.

With a tender and lovingly touch I gently put my hand to her neck.

She had not expected this from me, but had desired it for months. She was a little confused and her fingers loosened a bit from Jake.

Immediately, I tightened my grip and pushed Samantha down hard with all the force I could muster, hissing viciously at her.

How much I detested this woman! All my hatred for her resonated unmistakably and she, as well as my siblings, heard it.

While Jake sent his Becky off to class, my siblings just stared at me uncomprehendingly.

They didn't understand my unbridled anger at Samantha, but none of them dared to say anything. My threat against her had been too extreme to justify the fact that she had 'only' touched Jake a little harder. My hatred for Samantha was so strong by now - due to her constant attempts to get me back into bed again and always picking my hallucinatory moments with Bella to do so - that I no longer had any reason not to hand her over to my siblings.

"I had sex with Samantha ... because she made me think she was Bella!" I whispered inhumanly softly.

At first Emmett started to grin, but after I finished explaining, there was only disgust on their faces.

They all knew about my paradox with Bella and how much I lost myself in those moments. Alice in particular was aware of the magnitude of these moments, as she had seen me do it many times through one of her visions. They all mulled over possible theoretical revenge plans until Jake came back to us. I had provided them with an explanation, but it was not the one that explained the strange situation between these children and me. But I couldn't explain it to them yet, so I sent them to class.

I wasn't sure yet what I exactly wanted to do. The shock of his images were still too much to my rock-hard bones.

Jake lowered himself powerlessly to the ground and leaned against a tree. He was at the end of his nerves and I could understand why.

However much his memories had affected me, they had also left their mark on him. I felt more guilty than ever. Not only had I caused Bella a great suffering to, but also to her children. And it was actually in their power to destroy me. Not only in their power, they had every right to do so.

"Why am I still alive?" I asked after a moment. "After what I apparently did to you and Bella, you would have every right and everyone in my family's understanding if you had ripped me to shreds right then and there?" I explained my question in more detail, looking at them in turn.

They recognized the seriousness of my question.

"It wasn't like the thought hadn't crossed our minds," Jake replied unemotionally. He ran his hands through his long hair and then looked at me thoughtfully. "Last Monday, we didn't know who you were or what we really were," he began.

"We only recognized you as vampires because Mom told us a lot. But that you are exactly those vampires, we only learned later. That being said, we didn't really believe Mom either," Leah continued.

"You had no idea you were wolves?", I asked, almost smirking.

Jake shook his head.

"She told us all the legends. But we always thought it was just some horror stories she made up."

"And last week you went to La Push!" I noted. They both recalled the exhausting days. I also saw that the treaty was explained to them. And also, which passage from it in particular they considered important. The part about biting. "Why am I still alive now?" I asked again. I had tormented their mother, took away their father, and broken the treaty. There was no logical reason to me why they should not have exercised their right immediately. They hated me. They were just waiting to take revenge on me. But they didn't!

"Ask me something easier!" Jake retorted, but almost smiling at the same time.

"I'm sorry ... There are not enough words to convey my regret and apologize ... I hurt your mother very much. More than I would have expected ... Moreover, by my behavior I have you taken away your father and Bella's husband ... I ask you for forgiveness ... although I can never make it up to you and my death would be a just but insufficient punishment," I said sincerely. I was sorry. I couldn't say how much I regretted it all.

"Mom was never married," Leah explained to me, which I took note of with a very dubious look.

The principal had addressed her as Mrs. Black and the children were named the same.

"She only took our father's name because she felt she owed it to him, because of the two of us. He never knew about us."

"Maybe he would have been more careful if he had known about us ... No … No use dwelling on it," Jake began, but then stopped himself from thinking about it further.

He had apparently gone over it repeatedly over the last few days. Without finding any closure.

I looked down sadly.

The knowledge of protecting one's children could motivate a man - or a woman - to peak performance. An adrenaline rush that increases the cardiovascular system and metabolism for a short time. It is possible that Jake was absolutely right thinking that his father would still be alive then. But that was just speculation.

"How is she?" I asked after a moment of silence. I was a little afraid of the answer. It was possible Jake had deliberately focused only on exclusively positive memories at the end, which in no way had to correspond to her usual life.

"At the moment?" smirked Jake. "She's a nervous wreck because she doesn't know what's going to happen once you know who she is."

I reconsidered his answer.

She was nervous. She knew we were all here and was counting on one of us showing up. And she was afraid of it. Maybe even considering the fact that we would hurt her.

"Why did you show her to me now?" I inquired.

"Because she's tired of this uncertainty. And so are we," Jake admitted, thinking again about what he had imagined. That I would kill Bella. For fun or thirsting for her blood.

I tensed up at these images.

I could not do that. Never would I be able to harm a hair on Bella's head.

Leah put a worried hand on my shoulder, distracting Jake, and thus also me, from these vile notions.

"Were you serious when you said your feelings for her were little different than mine for Becky?" Jake then asked, after logically analyzing my brief internal struggle.

"Yes. I was serious ... She found a way to live again after a few months. Apparently, thanks to your father. That's what I left her. For a normal life where she would be happy. So that she would no longer be in danger ... by what I unfortunately am. I was not ready to change her, but that had nothing to do with my love for her. I did not want to kill her and take her soul ... But I never got over her loss. Bella still means as much to me today as she did then. More than my own life," I answered seriously and the children thought about my words.

About the fact that they could unfortunately believe me now.

"Unfortunately?" I inquired.

"We hated you! … Not your siblings. You! … Because of what Jake showed you," Leah explained, and a quick flashback again made my body shutter with guilt. "We thought you hurt our mom on purpose."

I just shook my head vehemently, unable to say anything.

"That you're an emotionless stone who was just passing time until he met the right one … Samantha, we thought," Jake further explained.

"But then we saw you lying here ... marked by pain," Leah said compassionately and had the image right in front of her eyes.

I was disturbed by the sight of myself.

"All the suffering the three of us have gone through. Mom, who had twice lost the one she loved and even wanted to kill herself. We, who saw last week how much she really suffered from it, and lived through our father's pain first hand ... All of that together was written on your face earlier," Jake said, regretting that he had resorted to such torturous and, more importantly, numerous memories.

"We can't hate you anymore," Leah finished.

"But you have every reason to ... I should have known Victoria would come back. I really thought it was possible at times and hunted her. But my tracking skills are very limited. I hadn't even been on the right continent," I admitted. When Victoria was in Forks, I was in Brazil. My attempt to protect Bella was pathetic.

"You hunted Victoria?" Jake asked in amazement.

"She was a potential danger to your mother. I had an obligation to Bella to keep her out of any danger from my existence. On February 14th, 2007 I gave up the hunt without success. I had a vague feeling that day that continuing to hunt made no sense and returned to my family."

"On our birthday," Leah thought aloud.

I nodded.

Was that a coincidence? No idea.

"What are you going to do now?" she asked after a moment, and I took my time to answer.

"Everything in me craves to see Bella. But I gave her my word to stay away. It's going to be hard for me to stick to that when I know she's so close," I admitted.

The twins went through a conversation with Bella and considered how she had appeared to them.

Collectedly. Aware of the possibility that I could appear at any time. But they couldn't tell how she would really react. They doubted that she would leap in the air with joy. But they found it equally unlikely that Bella would ask them to get rid of me for good. As she had said the other day: 'I have my life. He has his life. Only the distance has gotten smaller,' Jake mentally quoted his mother.

"Whatever you do, don't ambush her!" admonished Jake earnestly, getting up from the ground.

"I won't!" I promised.

I stayed sitting for some time after the twins went to class.

I didn't have to consider what to do. I was just considering how.

A text message from Alice made me rethink things.

Whatever you just decided, think of something else. I don't see your future anymore!

Thanks for reading!