Red River Blue
Chapter 34
Choices. Carol reminded herself again that she still had choices. Then she laid her head back against the headrest of the car she had slept the night in and closed her eyes. The truth was she had no choice in what happened to her. Rick hadn't given her a choice when he kicked her out of the group. What she had left now felt more like several bad options on how to make a terrible situation a little less terrible.
Carol's neck was sore from sleeping in the driver's seat of what now served as both her car and her home. She had fallen asleep with her knife gripped tightly in her hand. But sometime during the night, she must have fallen asleep and let the weapon slip from her grasp. Now it was lying on the floorboards of the car under her feet. Using her heel, Carol drug it a little closer before she reached down between her knees to grab it. The early morning light was shining in through the dingy windows of the car. It glinted off the razor sharp blade of her knife. Her favorite time of day had always been the very early morning. Morning meant she had survived another night. And her used to be husband had always enjoyed staying up late, which meant the wee hours of the morning offered her a short time that she was free from not only his hands and his fists and his belt, but also from his watchful eyes.
Thoughts of Ed always led to thoughts of the daughter he had given her. Sophia. The only thing her pitiful excuse for a husband ever really gave her. Most of the time Carol tried not to think about Sophia. But when she did think of her she liked to imagine her daughter in a peaceful place. A place where there were no walkers, no worries, no hunger, no pain and no heartbreak. The reason Carol tried not to think about Sophia was because it wasn't too far of a stretch to imagine herself being there with her. Being dead. Even if there was nothing but the empty darkness after death, it would still offer some relief from the horror of the world had become.
This led to thoughts of options number one. Carol turned the knife around in her hands, watching the light gleam off the blade. She kept it sharp. So sharp she might not even feel much pain if she drug the blade across her wrists. She had been close to suicide once before. When she found out she was preganant with a girl. Ed never smiled at her. But he smiled when the ultrasound technician told him the baby inside Carol's stomach was a girl. The sickening gleam in his eyes made Carol feel so sick that she ran for the bathroom and threw up what little food she had managed to keep down from breakfast that morning. Ed had beaten her for embarrassing him, but he had been careful not to touch her midsection.
The thought of bringing another person into the world of torture and abuse that she was living in was almost too much to take. After Ed left for work, Carol had pried the blade out of a pink lady schick razor and drug it across her left wrist in the bathroom of the crappy trailer she and Ed had been living in at the time. It had not been self preservation that stopped her actions. It had been seeing the blood dripping down onto her freshly mopped floor. Carol knew that there was a chance her suicide attempt would be a failure. She wasn't afraid of dying. She was afraid of not dying and then getting beaten bloody for making a mess in the bathroom. When she was cleaning up the mess she made in the bathroom she felt Sophia kick for the first time.
Carol ran her finger over the old scar on her wrist. She put her knife away. Option one was no longer an option. The hurtful words Rick had spoken to her still stung. Especially the part about him no trusting her with his children. But she wasn't the same weak woman she had been all those years ago. She wasn't going to let him break her.
Option number two was only slightly more appealing than option number one. Carol could leave. She knew how to survive. She could survive on her own for a while. Maybe she could even find another group and make a fresh start. She told herself that there had to be other people out there. Some of them had to be decent people. This option felt the most appealing if she imagined what she could do for these hypothetical people and how much more she might be appreciated than she was back at the prison. But there were problems with this plan. First of all, she didn't know where she might find more people. And secondly, she was afraid that the people she would run into might not be decent or nice people. They might be the sort of people that would hurt or kill her.
Carol's last option was the one that sounded the best, but also scared her the most. She could go back to the prison. Rick was going to expose her for what she did to Karen and David. There was no doubt in her mind that he planned to tell everyone what she did. She knew the person she ought to be afraid of was Tyreese. But she wasn't afraid of him. Tyreese and what he thought of her didn't matter to Carol. She didn't care about a big overgrown baby that whined about having to stab walkers through the fences. She was worried about the people who's opinons mattered to her.
River was there when it happened, a fact that Carol hadn't bothered to inform Rick of. She wondered if it would have made a difference if Rick had known that River was her accomplice. River wasn't someone that Rick would be able to kick out of the group the way he had kicked Carol out. If Rick even considered such a thing, Merle would have him on the ground beating him senseless like he had been dying for an excuse to do ever since he rejoined the group. Carol knew River would take her side. And she was fairly sure Merle would back them both up. If anything he would use it as an excuse to throw his weight around and show he had more sway over the group than Rick did. Rick would have to give in just to keep the peace. Carol would be able to stay. Maybe she could even have Lizzie and Mika back.
The problem with this plan was Daryl. Carol didn't want Daryl to know what she did. Because if she had to explain to him why she burnt those bodies, Carol would have to explain how she felt about him. David was already dead. Karen was dying. Carol killed her as a mercy. She did it so Karen wouldn't die choking to death on her own blood. But Carol had not burned them as a mercy. She had done it because she was afraid Daryl would get sick if he kept handling and burying the bodies of the people that had died from the flu. She did it because she loved him and didn't want him to get sick and die. There was no way in this world or any other that she was ever going to pour her heart out to a man that she knew didn't want her.
All the emotions that Carol had been shoving down deep inside of her finally welled up and spilled over. She crossed her arms over the steering wheel of the car and buried her head on her arms. Then she just let the tears come. She had promised herself after Sophia that she was done crying. Done being weak. But the image of Daryl with Beth in his arms felt like it was burned on the insides of her eyelids. All Carol could think about was how stupid she had been. She had been reading too much into all the little interactions she had with him. Making up a relationship in her mind that simply didn't exist. Listening to River's silly romatic ideas about all of them being one big happy family together and how she always wanted a sister for herself and an aunt for her girls. Believing that had been the worst decision of all. Daryl had never liked her as more than a friend. She had been an idiot to think otherwise.
The smack of a walker throwing its decomposing body against the window of her car brought Carol out of her own thoughts and back into reality. She immediately grabbed for her knife, her mind instantly going into self preservation mode. That made Carol smile through her tears. She could never slit her wrists. She wasn't the same weak woman she had been back then. She wasn't even afraid. She was angry. It felt like she couldn't even get a few moment to sort out her thoughts without a walker invading on her space.
"Go away," Carol screamed at the mindless creature. Then she sighed. Yelling was the worst thing she could have done. The noise only served to attract more of the dumb stumbling dead ones in her direction. Carol wiped the tears from her eyes. She twisted the key in the ignition and pressed her foot down on the gas. She drove, but she didn't drive back to the prison. Not yet.
TWD
Now that she knew he wasn't dying, River's unwavering tolerance of Merle's constant disgusting and very audible puking was wearing thin. She set him up with a clean bucket and a bottle of water. Then she headed outside for some air that didn't smell like vomit. River leaned against the building, lifting one leg up and bracing her foot against the brick like she was a flamingo at rest. She sucked in a few deep breaths. The air was fresh but she could still smell vomit. Looking down at herself she realized with a bit of sadness and disgust that the smell was coming from the dried vomit in her hair. River couged into her fist and almost barfed herself. Once she got control of her gag reflex she started laughing.
Since she knew now that she most likely hadn't been exposed to whatever virus was making everyone sick, River was thinking about walking over and checking on her younger daughter. Now that her immediate concerns over Merle's safety were quelled, there was room in her mind for her other worries to start creeping in. She was worried about Harley, who was still gone on the run to the veterinary college. And she was also concerned about Wren, who was alone in the office building with the boy she liked. River was glad Carl wasn't older. Boys matured slower and she was pretty sure he wasn't advanced enough to try anything too serious. But it still worried her. Sometimes hormones had a way of taking over. Being alone in an abandoned office building, afraid that your whole family might be dying outside. That was a situation that might lead two young people to seek comfort in any way possible.
River fished around in her pocket for the only hair-tie she had left. She pulled her vomit scented hair into a high pontail, leaving the ends looped through to form her least favorite hairstyle. Nothing said I've given up on my looks like a sloppy mom bun. River sighed. The end of the world or not, there was no good excuse for letting yourself go. But for the moment, she had more important things to worry about than her hair.
The office building was unlocked. River let herself in quietly. She listened first, then headed down the hall in the direction of the voices she heard. There was a low groan, followed by some muffled laughter. River hurried in the direction of the noise, more concerned than ever at what she was going to find her daughter doing. The voices were getting louder but no more easy to make out.
Once she got in front of the open doorway, River had to stop and laugh at herself. There was nothing sexual going on at all. The kids were gathered around a monopoly board they had set up in the floor. Wren was holding Judith in her lap. As River watched the little girl reached over and yanked on a piece of her brother's hair, pulling it mercilessly. Carl groaned and Wren giggled as she reached for Judith's hand and attempted to pry her tiny fist open.
"Make her stop, she's kicking the pieces," one of the younger children complained. Wren laughed again and scooted back farther from the game board. With the object of her attentions now to far away to torture, Judith twisted around in Wren's lap and grabbed for her hair instead. Her chestnut locks were pulled back from her face in a ponytail but a few sunbleached tendrils were hanging down loose around her face. Judith grabbed for one and gave it a good hard tug. Wren squealed as a small handful of the soft baby hairs around her face were yanked from her scalp.
River halfway expected Carl to start laughing at her daughter's discomfort. That was the type of immature behavior that would be typical of a boy his age. But Carl didn't laugh. Instead he shuffled forward on his knees and reached his hand out towards Wren's face. He stroked the spot where her hair had been pulled with the knuckles of his hand, almost like it had hurt him as much as it had hurt her. They stayed that way for a moment, looking into each other's eyes. The dreamy expressions on their faces were enough to make River feel a soft pull deep in the middle of her chest. She tried to remind herself that she had come to make sure her daughter was being responsible, not to swoon over how cute she and Carl were together. But the truth was, River was happy. Falling in love for the first time was special and magical and something River would be eternally grateful that her daughter didn't have to miss out on just because the world as they knew it before had ended.
Carl lifted his sister up out of Wren's lap and deposited her on a soft padding of blankets they had set up on the floor for the little girl to roll around on. He handed her a red solo cup, which Judith happily grabbed and shook around in front of her face.
"Mom!," Wren squealed. In her excitement to get onto her feet she bumped the game board with the toe of her sneaker and sent a few of the pieces bouncing onto the floor. Wren didn't notice. She was too busy crossing the room to wrap her arms around her mother. Wren's hips and legs still hadn't filled out, but she and her mother were almost the exact same height now. Wren looked like a woman, but when she huggged her mom she still wrapped her arms around the woman's neck like she was a child.
"Is it daddy?," Wren asked, "Did he get sicker?" She already had tears in her eyes at the very thought of something bad happening to someone she loved. River pulled up the hem of her shirt and wiped her daughter's tears away before she answered.
"No baby," she assured the girl, "Hershel checked on him. He's not really sick, he just has food poisoning." As she spoke to her daughter, River watched Carl out of the corner of her eye. He reminded her of an eager puppy. He got halfway up. Sunk back down onto his knees near his sister. He hesitated a moment longer and then finally jumped up and rushed over to Wren like he couldn't stand being across the room from her for one more second. Wren let go of her mother and grabbed for Carl instead, holding one of his hands between the two of hers.
"Is your dad okay?," Carl asked, keeping his voice low and quiet. Wren nodded and River smiled. The fact that Merle was sick was supposed to be a secret. One River knew she should really be mad at Wren for telling. But she couldn't find it in herself to be angry. And she had a very strong suspicion that Carl would not have blabbed their secret. Maybe not even to his own father.
"I've got to get back," River told them, "I just wanted ta check and make sure y'all were doing alright..." She let her voice trail off, thinking about the very serious lecture that she had come here to give her daughter. The lecture about sex and responsibility and making good choices. But saying those words just felt wrong. River felt like if she said what she came to say she would be making something sweet and innocent into something dirty. So she swallowed the lump in her throat and placed a gentle hand on Carl's shoulder instead. She said the only thing there was to say.
"While yer in here I want you to keep an eye on my baby for me," River said. Carl nodded vigorously and gripped Wren's hands tighter. River leaned in and gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek. Mika hurried over for a quick hug, asking if Carol was back yet from the run she had gone on with Rick. River didn't know, but she assured the girl that if Carol wasn't back yet she would be soon. Even if Carol couldn't take care of herself, which she could, she was with Rick. And despite her husband's opinion of the man, River knew Rick would never let anything happen to any of them.