On the 23rd day of the month of September,
In the later year of a decade known as the Nineties,
The people of Diagon Alley suddenly encountered
A deadly threat to their very existence.
And this terrifying enemy surfaced; as such enemies often do,
In the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places.
It was a fine day at 'Harry's Plants 'n' Herbs'. Harry Potter along with co-workers Ron and Hermione were nearing the end of yet another quiet day…
Hermione: Right, that's it! Don't bother coming in tomorrow. I'm closing the shop!
Ron: You don't mean that, do you?
Hermione: Of course I do! This place is gone, Finito, Kaput!
Harry: Maybe not. You see I've been working on a strange and interesting plant that might be able to help us.
Harry pushes his books aside and produces a weird-looking flytrap plant.
Hermione: Now, isn't that bizarre?
Ron: At least. Where kind of weirdo plant is that, Harry?
Harry: I don't know. It looks like some kind of flytrap, but I haven't been able to identify any of my books. I gave it my own name though – I call it an Hermione II.
Hermione (deeply moved): After me?
Harry: I hope you don't mind.
Harry puts the plant where everyone can see it. Just then, Seamus enters the shop, obviously intrigued by what he's seen.
Seamus: Excuse me; I couldn't help noticing that strange and interesting plant. What is it?
Hermione: It's an Hermione II.
Seamus: I've never seen anything like it before.
Harry: No one has.
Seamus: Where did you get it?
Harry: Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun we had about a week ago?
"DA-DOO"
Girls: Da-Doo!
Harry: I was walking in the Diagon flower district that day,
Girls: Shoop-Da-Doo!
Harry: And I passed by this place where this old Chinese wizard.
Girls: Chang-da-Doo!
Harry: He sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings,
Girls: Snip-Da-Doo!
Harry: 'Cause he knows, you see, strange plants are my hobby.
Girls: Da-da-da-da-da-da-Doo!
Harry: He didn't have anything unusual there that day,
Girls: Nope-Da-Doo!
Harry: So I was just about to, you know, walk on by.
Girls: Good for you!
Harry: When suddenly and without warning there was this…
All: Total Eclipse of the Sun!
Harry: It got very dark. And then there was this strange humming sound, like something from another world.
Girls: Da-Doo!
Harry: And when the light came back on,
This weird plant was just sitting there.
Girls: Oops-ee-Doo!
Harry: Just stuck in, among the zinnias.
Girls: Hermione II!
Harry: I could've sworn it hadn't been there before.
But the old Chinese wizard sold to me anyway for a dollar ninety-five.
Girls: Sha-la-la-la-la-la-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo!
Seamus: Well that was an interesting story and a fascinating plant.
I think I'll buy $100 worth of roses while I'm here.
The sale is made and Seamus leaves. As soon as he leaves, the plant wilts forward.
Ron and Hermione: Harry!
Harry: It just hasn't been feeling well okay! I've tried everything to make it better but nothing works.
Ron: Well tried harder alright! Goodnight!
Ron and Hermione go off to bed, leaving Harry with the plant.
Harry (to the plant): If only I knew what breed you were, what genus.
But it's nowhere in the books. Aw Twoey, I don't know what else I can do for you.
Seamus and the others, they've just met you, but I'm been going through this with
you for two weeks – grow and wilt, spurt and flop. Are you sickly, little plant.
Or just plain stubborn? What is it you want? What is it you need?
Harry puts the plant on the table, picks up a broom, and starts to clean up the shop.
"GROW FOR ME"
Harry (singing): I've given you sunshine; I've given you dirt.
You've given me nothing but heartache and hurt.
I'm begging you sweetly; I'm down on my knees.
Oh please – grow for me.
I've given you plant food, and water to sip.
I've given you potash; you've given me zip.
Oh God how I mist you, oh pod how you tease.
Now please – grow for me!
I've given you southern exposure to get you to thrive.
I've pinched you back hard like I'm supposed to, you're barely alive.
I've tried you at levels of moisture from desert to mud,
I've given you grow lights and mineral supplements,
What do you want from me – BLOOD?
As he works, he pricks his finger on a rose thorn.
Harry: Ouch! Damn roses! Damn thorns!
Harry begins to suck the blood out of his finger, but as he does so, he hears a sucking noise coming from the plant. Walking slowly towards the plant, he realises that the plant lives on blood.
Harry (singing): I've given you sunlight, I've given you rain.
Looks like you ain't happy, 'less I open a vein.
I'll give you a few drops, if that'll appease.
Harry gingerly extends his bleeding finger toward the plant. It vibrates in anticipation. Harry squeezes his finger over the plant, extracting a drop or two of blood. The pod opens, snapping at the drops like a puppy, begging for more.
Harry (singing): Now please – Oh, oh, oh please… Grow for me?
Harry goes to bed. As the music builds, we see the plant begin to grow… and grow… and grow… until it gives a little circular flourish, almost seeming like a bow.
As every second night rolls on, Harry continues to feed the plant blood.
The Girls, who are singing about his sudden success, accompanies this montage.
"SOME FUN NOW"
Girls (singing): Poor Harry pushed a broom,
Nothing in his news but gloom and doom.
Then he lit a fuse and give him room,
He started an explosion – Holy cow!
That thing went Bang! Kaboom!
And he's having some fun now!
Some fun now.
(Pop quiz)
What's he having – some fun now.
(Sure is)
He's a-having some fun now.
(Oh boy)
Ain't he having some fun now!
Now!
Some fun now!
(Hot damn)
Ain't he having some fun now!
(Yes, Ma'am)
He's a-having some fun now!
(Oh boy)
Ain't he having some fun now!
NOW!
Some fun now!
(Hot damn)
Ain't he having some fun now!
(Yes, Ma'am)
He's a-having some fun now!
(Oh boy)
Ain't he having some fun now!
Now!
Some fun now.
(Pop quiz)
Ain't he having some fun now!
(Sure is)
He'll be having some fun now.
(Oh boy)
Ain't he having some fun now!
Now!
Some fun now.
(Good God, the boy)
He's a-having some fun now!
(Oh boy, oh boy)
Yes, he's having some fun now!
(Oh boy)
Ain't he having some fun now!
Some fun now…
It's now closing time and Ron is counting the money. Twoey, which has now grown bigger,
is now in a corner of the shop with a grand display. Just then, there is a knock on the
door…Its Malfoy. Harry unlocks the door and lets him in.
Harry: What do you want now, Malfoy?
Malfoy: None of your concern, Potter! I've just come to see this "amazing" new plant of yours!
Ron leads him over to the plant.
Malfoy: So…this is it, huh? What have you been feeding it? Mudbloods?
Just then, Twoey knocks him to the floor.
Malfoy: The plant just hit me!
Hermione: How can it! Plants can't move!
Malfoy (getting up): My father will hear about this! Just you wait!
Malfoy leaves. Ron and Hermione go to bed. Harry locks up then heads off to bed.
But as soon as he approaches the door, Twoey's head falls to the floor.
Harry: Oh boy, here we go again! Look, I haven't got much left. Just give me a few days to heal, okay? Then we'll start again on the left hand and…
Suddenly, he hears a voice from out of nowhere.
Hermione II: Feed me.
Harry: I beg your pardon?
Hermione II: Feed me.
Harry: Twoey, you talked. You opened up your trap, your thing, and you said-
Hermione II: Feed me, Potter! Feed me now!
Harry (shocked): I…can't.
Hermione II: I'm starving!
Harry: I haven't got any more. What do you want me to do, slit my wrists?
Hermione II (opening its trap): Aah…
Harry: Look…I'll run down to the corner shop and ask the butchers to make you some nice chopped sirloin? How about that?
Hermione II: Must be blood!
Harry: Twoey, that's disgusting!
Hermione II: Must be fresh!
Harry: I'm not hearing this!
"FEED ME (GIT IT)"
Hermione II (singing): Feed Me!
Harry: Does it have to be human?
Hermione II (singing): Feed Me!
Harry: Does it have to be mine?
Hermione II (singing): Feed Me!
Harry: Where am I supposed to get it?
Hermione II (singing): Feed me, Potter.
Feed me all night long.
That's right boy, you can do it.
Feed me, Potter.
Feed me all night long.
'Cause if you feed me, Potter.
I can grow up BIG and strong!
Harry: You eat blood, Hermione II. Let's face it.
How am I supposed to keep on feeding you, kill people?
Hermione II: I'll make it worth your while.
Harry: What?
Hermione II: You think this is all coincidence, baby?
Your sudden success around here, all the interviews?
Harry: Look, you're a plant, an inanimate object!
Hermione II (shakes wildly): Does this look inanimate to you, punk?
If I can talk and if I can move, who's to say I can't do anything I want?
Harry: Like what?
Hermione II: Like deliver pal! Like you see you get everything your sacred, greasy heart desires.
(Singing)
Would you like your own Cadillac car?
Or a guest shot on Mikey Park?
How about a date with a Gryffindor?
You're gonna get it. If you want it, baby!
How'd you like to be a big wheel?
Dining out for every meal.
I'm the plant that can make it all real,
You're gonna get it.
I'm your genie; I'm your friend,
I'm your willing slave.
Just take a chance and feed me and you
Know the kinda eats, the kinda red-hot treats,
The kinda sticky licky sweats I CRAAAVE!
Come on, Potter, don't be a putz.
Trust me and you're life'll shortly rival King Tuts.
Show a little initiative boy, work up some guts, and you'll get it.
Harry: I don't know.
Hermione II (pleading): Come on, boy!
Harry: I don't know.
Hermione II (getting annoyed): Lighten up!
Harry: I have so…so many strong reservations.
Hermione (fed up): Tell it to the Marines!
Harry: Should I go…and perform…mutilations?
Hermione II: You had nothing till you met me!
So come on kid, what will it be? Money? Girls?
One particular girl? How about that Hermione?
Think it over. There must be someone you could eighty-six real quiet-like and get me some lunch!
(Singing) Think about a room at the Ritz.
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz.
A little nookie gonna clean up those zits.
And you'll get it. Uh-huh-huh!
Harry (singing): Gee, I like a Harley machine!
Hermione II: Now you're cooking!
Harry (singing): Tooling around like I was James Dean!
Hermione II: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!
Harry (singing): Making ol' Draco Malfoy turn green!
Getting in the spirit of the music, Harry does a little dance.
Hermione II (Singing): So go get it!
If you wanna be profound,
Then you really gotta justify!
Take a breath and look around,
A lotta folks deserve to die!
Harry: Wait a minute. That's not a very nice thing to say!
Hermione II: But it's true, isn't it?
Harry: No! I don't know anyone who deserves to be chopped up and fed to a hungry plant.
Hermione II: Sure you do…
Harry looks out the window and sees Draco absolutely peed off at a girl.
Draco: Stupid woman!
Christ, what a frigging scatterbrain!
Girl: I'm sorry, Draco. I'm sorry.
Draco: Makes me stuff my spells!
Draco slaps her hard. Harry turns to the plant with a dark look of mutual understanding.
Both (singing): If you want a rationale,
It isn't very hard to see – no, no, no!
Stop and think it over, pal.
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!
Harry (singing): He's so nasty, treating her rough.
Hermione II (signing): Smacking her round, always talking so tough.
Harry (singing): You need blood and he's got more than enough.
Hermione II (singing): I need blood and he's got more than enough.
Both (singing): I/You need blood and he's got more than enough.
Hermione II (singing): SO GOT GET IT!
The next night, Harry sets out to execute his plan to get rid of Malfoy and feed him to the plant. He walks along the street until he comes to a fence where Malfoy is practising his spells. Harry then takes out his wand, whispers a chant and attacks. The spell hits its target and Malfoy falls down dead, slightly charred.
Harry then grabs the lifeless body and puts in the body bag. Later, after the body has been chopped up, he feeds Malfoy to the hungry Hermione II.
"CODA (SHANG-A-LANG)"
Girls: Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing to be happening!
Shang-a-lang, feel the Strum Und Drang in the air…yeah, yeah!
Hermione II (laughing): More…more…more!
The plant laughs loudly as Harry chucks Draco's head into its maw. Outside,
Ron can hear the plant's mad laughter and quickly realises what going on.
Harry Potter, still shocked with the fact that he killed someone yesterday,
lays awake in bed. He slowly closes his eyes when…
Ron: You love her madly, don't you schmuck?
Harry (waking up): Oh Ron, you scared me!
Ron (mockingly): I scared him? After what I've seen, I scared him? Ho-ho-ho…you
think I didn't know, huh? Oh I knew! I knew you would sleep on that little bed
and dream about Hermione, but I didn't know the lengths to which you would go,
the depths to which you would sink!
Harry (confused): What depths? What sink? What are you talking about?
Ron: Little red dots all over your bedroom floor. Blood on the staircase outside.
Draco's wand snapped in half. I'm talking murder, Potter! I'm talking under this roof!
(Producing a bloodstained axe) An axe murderer!
"SUPPERTIME"
"He's got your number now!"
Ron: I saw everything…
"He knows just what you've done!"
Ron: I saw what you did to Malfoy.
"You got no place to hide…"
Ron: I saw you chopping him up…
"You got nowhere to run."
Potter: It's true – I chopped him up! But it didn't kill him!
"He knows your life of crime…"
Ron (putting the axe down): Take me to the plant!
Harry quickly leads Ron to where the plant is.
"I THINK IT'S SUPPERTIME!"
Throughout all this, Hermione II continues to mess with Harry's mind.
"Come on, come on,
Think about all those offers!
Come on, come on,
Your future with Hermione!
Come on, come on,
Ain't no time to turn squeamish!
Come on,
I swear on all my spores-
When he's gone,
The world will be yours.
All yours…
Yeah, yeah, yeah…"
The two enter the main area, where Hermione II is waiting.
As Ron slowly advances towards it, the plant starts to open its maw.
A chorus in the background is egging Harry to feed Ron to the plant.
Girls (singing): Come on, come on,
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on,
It's Suppertime!
It's Suppertime!
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on,
It's Suppertime!
Oh Suppertime!
Suppertime!
Ron: What the hell is…?
And just when Harry is about to say something, Hermione II's maw shuts down on Ron and eats him up. Harry just stands there, mouth wide open in horror.
The next day, the unthinkable has happened: agents and network toadies have gotten wind of Harry's miracle plant and now want in on the action. Harry, thinking it is safe outside, opens the door only to be confronted by a marketing monster.
"THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT"
Bernstein: Hey Harry Potter, you prince you.
My name is Bernstein; I'm with the BBC.
I came down here to convince you to do a weekly TV show for me.
'Harry Potter's Home Gardening Tips', for half an hour on Sunday's at 4.
TV's newest home gardening program, you'll make a mint and our ratings will soar.
Girls (Singing): They say the meek shall inherit, you know the book doesn't lie.
It's not a question of merit; it's not demand and supply.
You know the meek are gonna get it, and you're a meek little guy.
You know the meek are gonna get what's coming to 'em, by and by.
Harry runs away only to be stopped by Mrs. Luce of Life Magazine.
Mrs. Luce: I'd like a word with you, lover.
I'm sure you know me…the editor's wife.
We want your face on the cover of the December 3rd issue of LIFE.
Yes, the front of LIFE Magazine,
Now that's an honour we so seldom grant.
We'll send someone down, let's say Thursday.
For shots of you and your beautiful plant.
Girls (Singing): They say the meek shall inherit, you know the book doesn't lie.
It's not a question of merit; it's not demand and supply.
You know the meek are gonna get it, and you're a meek little guy.
You know the meek are gonna get what's coming to 'em, by and by.
Just then, Skip Snip from the William Morris Agency blocks Harry's escape route.
Skip Snip: Forget the cable we sent you…
It's nice to meet me - the pleasure is yours.
Now, let my firm represent you,
We want to book you on lecturing tours.
College campus, rotary clubs,
The kinda bookings my office can do.
Show the plant, then talk, answer questions.
It's educational, lucrative too!
Suddenly, everything goes quiet as Harry contemplates his situation.
Harry (Singing): My future's starting; I've got to let it.
Stick with that plant, and gee, my bank account will thrive.
What am I saying? No way! Forget it!
It's much too dangerous to keep that plant alive!
I take these offers that means more killing.
Who knew success would come with messy nasty strings?
I sign these contracts that means I'm willing to keep on doing bloody, awful, evil things.
No! No! There's only so far you can bend.
No! No! This nightmare must come to an end.
No! No!
You've got no alternative, Harry, old boy!
Though it means you'll be broke again, this isn't a ploy!
It's the only solution, it can't be avoided!
The vegetable must be destroyed!
Harry then thinks of Hermione and what she would say if the plant was indeed destroyed.
But then, there's Hermione, lovely Hermione.
If life were tawdry and impoverished as before,
She might not like me, she might not want me.
Without my plant, she might not love me anymore.
With that in mind, the voices return to persuade Harry to sign their contracts.
Girls (Singing): They say the meek shall inherit…
Harry (Singing): Where do I sign?
Girls (Singing): You know The Book doesn't lie.
Snip (Singing): Right on the line.
Girls (Singing): It's not a question of merit,
Luce (Singing): That'll do fine.
Girls (Singing): It ain't demand or supply!
Bernstein (Singing): This copy's mine.
Girls (Singing): You'll make a fortune we swear it.
Snip (Singing): Couldn't got wrong.
Girls (Singing): If on respect, you rely!
Luce (Singing): Bye-bye, so long!
Girls and Snip (Singing): You know the meek are gonna get what's coming to them…
You know the meek are gonna get what's coming to them…
Girls, Snip, Harry (Singing): You know the meek are gonna get what's coming to them…
By-and-by…
Harry, whose "deal with the devil" is now complete, is writing his speech for the lecture tour. Rain and thunder are coming down hard outside.
Hermione II: Feed me! Food! Foooood!
Harry: Lay off, Twoey! Can't you see I'm busy?
Hermione II: Tough titty!
Harry: Watch your language!
Hermione II: GRUB!
Harry: Gimme a break! I've gotta finish my speech for the lecture tour.
It's all about you. Gimme some peace and quiet or I'll tell them the truth.
Hermione II: Don't get cute with me. I made you and I can break you.
Harry: Go ahead, break me! You think it's easy living with the guilt?
Hermione II: Aw, cut the crap and bring on the meat!
Harry grabs his dictionary and starts looking for a particular word.
Harry: If only you'd eat meat.
If only you'd touch a mouse or flies. But no…you're so particular.
Hermione II: C'mon, Potter! Feed me. I ain't eaten since Weasley and that was a week ago!
Harry continues to work, not looking at the plant.
Harry: Look, just hold out one more night, alright?
That's all I ask. Life Magazine will be here in the morning to take our pictures.
Hermione II: And then you'll find me someone?
Harry: Then you'll never be hungry again, I promise.
Silence. Then…
Hermione II: Chow Time, Potter! Food! Food! Food! Feed me food…
Hermione II continues to chant 'Food! Food! Food! Feed me food'
As Harry loses control and starts shouting.
Harry: For God's sake, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up…
Harry runs outside still shouting like mad only to encounter Hermione.
Hermione: Harry, what's the matter with you?
Harry, still shouting, points in the direction of the plant.
Harry: It's the matter with me! Don't you think I know it needs food?
Don't you think I know it'll die if I don't feed it and soon? (Sitting
down) Don't you think I'm trying to think of someway…something… someone…
Hermione slaps him hard.
Hermione: Harry – you're hysterical. What's the deal with a little plant food?
I think taking care of this plant alone is too much for you!
Harry: Hermione…can I ask you something?
Hermione: Anything.
Harry: Just suppose for a minute there'd never been an Hermione II. That I was just a hero, a small hero. Would you still like me?
Hermione: I'd still love you, Harry.
Harry: Then it's settled. (Proudly) Tomorrow morning – after Life Magazine takes the
picture – that plant is going to bite the dust. After that you and I are going to run
away and live together in peace without that beast of a plant!
Hermione, go pack your things! The Hermione II is going down!
Harry leaves to go to the bathroom while Hermione goes to pack her things. But before she can do that, she hears a noise coming from the shop and quickly runs inside where, she comes face to face with the Hermione II.
"SUPPERTIME II/SOMEWHERE THAT'S GREEN (REPRISE)"
Hermione II (singing): Hey, little lady, hello.
You're looking cute as can be.
You're looking mighty sweet.
When it's not Harry – IT'S ME!
Hermione: I don't believe it.
Hermione II: Believe it baby, it talks.
Hermione: Am I dreaming this?
Hermione II: No, and you ain't in Kansas neither.
Hermione II reaches out with one vine and pushes the door shut. Another vine creeps towards Hermione, she pushes it away and steps away.
Hermione: Something's very wrong here.
Hermione keeps walking ending up in the centre of the room. Vines continue to snake around her, threatening to enfold her.
Hermione II: Relax and go with it, doll. Do me a favour, will you sweetheart?
Hermione: A favour?
Hermione II: I need some water in the worst way. Look at my branch, I'm drying up.
I'm a goner, honey. (Singing) Come on and give me a drink!
Hermione: I-I don't know if I should.
Hermione II (Singing): Hey little lady, be nice…
Two more vines hoist the skirt of Hermione's robes. She pushes them away as yet another snakes over her shoulders.
Hermione: Do you talk to Harry like this?
Hermione II (Singing): Sure do, I'll drink it straight.
Hermione grabs the vine from her shoulder with both hands. Still another creeps up behind her.
Hermione: Your leaves are dry, poor thing.
Hermione II (Singing): Don't need no glass or no ice…
Three vines snake around Hermione's waist. She pushes them back down and turns towards the counter.
Hermione: I'll get the can.
Hermione II (Singing): Don't need no twist of lime…
Hermione reaches over the table and grabs the watercan from underneath.
Hermione: Here we go!
Hermione II (Singing Loudly): AND NOW IT'S SUPPERTIME!
To Hermione's horror, the plant wraps its vines around her arms, wrists, and waist.
She drops the can. Laughing, the plant begins dragging the screaming, struggling
Hermione towards its laughing maw.
Hermione II: Aw, relax darling, it'll be easier. Come join your friends Malfoy and Ron. They're right inside.
The plant laughs as it draws Hermione inexorably closer, closer…
A chomping, squelching sound is heard outside. Harry emerges from the bathroom.
By now, Hermione has been pulled into the plant's mouth, with only her legs
sticking it. Harry quickly rushes to her aid.
Harry: Get off of her.
He tries to pry the plant's mouth open, but it rears up out of his reach. He jumps up, grabs Hermione's still-kicking feet and pulls it back down. The plant laughs as he succeeds in prying the mouth open. Hermione throws her arms around Harry as he tries to get away. The plant, still laughing, chases them with its vines as Harry half-walks, half-carries her outside to the main street.
Harry: Are you alright?
Hermione: Yes…no.
She collapses onto the ground. Harry drops to his knees and cradles her on his lap.
Harry: Don't die, Hermione. Please don't die.
Hermione's fading fast; her eyes are at half-mast and her voice little more than a squeak.
Hermione: You know, the plant just said the strangest thing just now.
It said Ron and Malfoy are already inside.
Harry lowers his head.
Harry: It's true. I did it. I fed them to it.
Hermione (Realising): and that's what made it so big and strong…
(she touches his cheek)…and you so famous.
Harry: I've done terrible things, Hermione, but not to you. Never to you.
She takes her hand from his cheek and looks away.
Hermione: But…I want you to, Harry.
Harry: What?
Hermione: When I die, which should be very shortly, give me to the plant,
so that it will live, and bring you all the wonderful things you deserve.
Harry is horrified. She touches his cheek again.
Harry: You don't know what you're saying.
She is getting weaker; her hand drops to her chest.
Hermione: But I do. It's the one gift I can give you. (She smiles) and if I'm in the plant, then I'm part of the plant. So in a way, we'll always be together.
A tear trickles down her cheek. She musters her strength for one last song.
Hermione (Singing): You'll wash my tender leaves,
You'll smell my sweet perfume;
You'll water me, and care for me,
You'll see me bud and bloom…
I'm feeling strangely happy now,
Contended and serene…
She shudders, about to die.
Don't you see…
Finally I'll be…
Somewhere that's green…
She reaches out toward her imaginary paradise. Then she shudders and goes limp. Harry holds her tightly, racked with guilt and grief. Slowly the door opens onto the waiting Hermione II. Harry carries Hermione through the door to her final resting-place. The plant slowly brings it head down at Harry's level and opens its mouth as Harry approaches.
Harry watches as the plant simultaneously closes its mouth and raises its head, easing Hermione's body down its throat. Soon, all that is visible of her is her hand, sticking out from between the plant's teeth. Harry reaches out to her hand, but cannot bring himself to touch it. Soon, her hand disappears inside too, and the plant closes its mouth in a triumphant grin.
Harry closes his eyes and lowers his head. When he raises it again, his face is a mask of despair.
Harry runs outside and collapses to his knees in tears.
Two hours later, a voice calls to him from above.
Voice: Mr Potter!
At first, Harry doesn't hear.
Voice: Uh, Mr. Potter?
At last Harry stops crying and looks up. Next to him stands Patrick Martin from the World Botanical Enterprises. His hands are behind his back.
Patrick Martin: Patrick Martin. Licensing and Marketing Division, World Botanical Enterprises. I want to show you something.
Harry lowers his head.
Harry: I'm not interested.
Patrick Martin: Ah, but you will be.
Patrick Martin pulls something from behind his back.
Patrick Martin: Look.
Harry still keeps his head low.
Patrick Martin: LOOK!
Finally Harry raises his head.
Patrick Martin: I took the liberty of taking a cutting from that amazing plant of yours. And look what grew in just a couple of days.
Harry bends down for a closer look.
Patrick Martin: The design boys did the packaging. Cute, huh?
In a small flowerpot, decorated with the words 'HERMIONE II' is a miniature Hermione II, just like the one Harry first bought from the old Chinese wizard.
Patrick Martin: Get the idea? My firm is willing to pay you a reasonable amount to take leaf cuttings, develop little Hermione II's, and sell them in florist shops and supermarkets across America.
Harry is horrified by what he's hearing.
Patrick Martin: Pretty soon, every household in the USA could have one…
The words echo through his mind.
'…have one…have one…have one…'
Patrick Martin takes a step closer.
Patrick Martin: Imagine it, boy; we'll make a fortune. Hermione II's everywhere.
'…everywhere…everywhere…everywhere…'
Patrick Martin takes another step forward.
Patrick Martin: Why, this could be bigger than hula-hoops.
'…Hula-hoops…Hula-Hoops…Hula-Hoops…'
Harry covers his ears. Patrick Martin takes yet another step.
Patrick Martin: What do you say, Mr. Potter?
Harry looks down at the miniature plant. It stares at him with his little pod-
and smiles. Harry quickly runs inside. Patrick Martin calls after him.
Patrick Martin: Mr. Potter? Mr. Potter?
Harry ignores him and shuts the door.
Patrick Martin: Potter?
Patrick Martin bangs on the door, yelling.
Patrick Martin: Hey! We don't have to deal with you, you know!
A goddamn vegetable's public domain. You ask our lawyers!
Harry looks up at the plant with an angry look on his face.
Harry: Every household in America! Thousands of you eating!
That's what you had in mind all along, isn't it?
Hermione II: No , Sherlock!
Harry: We're not talking about one hungry plant here; we're talking about world conquest!
Hermione II: And I wanna thank YOU!
Harry: You're not going to get away with this! Your kind never does!
The plant merely laughs.
Harry: I don't care what it takes! Only one of us gets out of here alive!
The plant shoves him with a vine.
"MEAN GREEN MOTHER FROM OUTERSPACE"
Hermione II (Singing): Better wait a minute,
Er, ya better hold the phone.
Better mind your manners,
Better change your tone.
The plant knocks him to the floor and shoves its massive pod in his face.
Hermione II (Singing): Don't you threaten me son,
You gotta lot of gall.
We gonna do things my way,
Or we won't do things at all.
The pod rears up, laughing. Harry watches in horror as the plant's pot begins
to crack. Small chunks break away, and roots begin pushing their way out. Suddenly,
the entire pot shatters, showering clay and dirt on Harry. Hermione II has taken
root in the ground underneath the shop, and now faces him down defiantly.
Hermione II (Singing): Ya don't know what you're messing with; you've got no idea.
You don't know what you're looking at, when you're looking here.
Ya don't know what you're up against, no, no way, no how!
Ya don't know what you're messing with, but I'm gonna tell you now!
Harry clambers to his feet, runs to the table and picks up a revolver.
He brandishes the gun at the plant but is frozen by fear, as dozens of smaller pods,
like miniature Hermione II's, pop open, singing the harmony.
Hermione II (Singing): Get this straight!
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad.
Harry: Outer Space!
Hermione II (Singing): I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
And it looks like you've been had.
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
So get off my back, get off my face,
Because I'm mean and green and I am bad.
Harry squeezes off three shots, which ricochet off the plant's pod and into a mirror. He looks away nervously and fires a fourth, which also bounces off. The plant grabs the gun with a vine. The plant twirls the gun and fires a shot at Harry's feet. He jumps.
Hermione II (Singing): Wanna save your skin, boy?
The plant fires another shot, which breaks the watercan at Harry's feet. He jumps again.
Hermione II (Singing): You wanna save your hide?
Harry goes into the back room. The plant shoots the door.
Hermione II (Singing): You wanna see tomorrow? You better step aside.
The plant fires off another shot that hits the windows.
Hermione II (Singing): Better take a tip, boy.
Want some good advice?
You better take it easy, because you're walking on thin ice.
The gunshots have stopped. Harry takes a tentative step to look, but jumps back when the cash register comes through the window. Finally, Harry steps away from the window, facing the plant.
Hermione II (Singing): Ya don't know what you're dealing with; no, you never did.
You don't know what you're looking at, but that's tough titty, kid!
An idea hits Harry and he runs for the table again.
Hermione II (Singing): The lion don't sleep tonight, and if you pull his tail, he roars.
Harry picks up an axe and turns around. He lunges at all the vines gathered on the counter. He hacks at them again and again, missing each time.
Hermione II (Singing): Ya say, 'That ain't fair?' Ya say, 'That ain't nice'
Ya know what I say? 'Up yours!'
As the pods take up the harmony again, Harry runs out in front of the table, the axe over his head. The plant pulls his trousers down with its vines.
Hermione II (Singing): Watch me now!
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad.
Harry drops the axe and shuffles off to take cover under the table.
Hermione II (Singing): I'm just a mean green mother, a real disgrace. And you got me fighting mad.
Harry cowers under the relative safety of the table, but the pods are now beginning to snake their way under there and are oohing and aahing in his face.
Hermione II (Singing): I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
Gonna trash your , gonna rock this place.
Because I'm mean and green and I am BAD!
The smaller pods retract to rejoin the main one. A huge vine snakes forward and
smacks the table, breaking it in half. Harry huddles there, pants around his ankles,
as the plant raps at him.
Hermione II (Singing): You know I don't come from no black lagoon,
Pods (Singing): No!
Hermione II (Singing): I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon.
Pods (Singing): Yeah!
Hermione II (Singing): You can keep the Thing,
Pods (Singing): Hey!
Hermione II (Singing): Keep the It,
Pods (Singing): Whoa!
Hermione II (Singing): Keep the Creature, they don't mean !
Harry: Alright that does it!
Harry yanks his pants up and runs for the door.
The plant thrusts a vine into the door, blocking him.
Hermione II (Singing): I got killer buds, power stem,
The plant shoots out another vine into the wall next to Harry, trapping him.
Two more trap him at the waist!
Hermione II (Singing): Nasty thorns and I'm using them.
You better move it out, Nature calls.
You got the point? I'm gonna bust your balls!
A vine shoots into the wall, between Harry's legs, mere inches from his crotch.
He looks up in horror; he realises now the plant is playing with its food. The
pods once again harmonise in Harry's face as the plant laughs.
Hermione II (Singing): Here it comes!
Harry drops to the floor, attempting to crawl to safety. But the plant plunges a vine into and across the floor, kicking up tiles as it does, an emerges in front of Harry. Undaunted, he crawls in a different direction, but is again blocked by a vine. He makes several more attempts, but is soon trapped huddling on the floor as vine pop up all around him.
Hermione II (Singing): I'm mean and green…
Pods (Singing): Mean green mother from outer space
The plant is shooting vines into the walls now, even through the ceiling.
Harry remains huddled on the floor.
Hermione II (Singing): I'm mean and green…
Pods (Singing): Mean green mother from outer space…
Harry watches as still more vines continue to snake into all corners of the room, grabbing and smashing whatever they can.
Hermione II (Singing): I'm mean and green…
The plant laughs. Still more vines shoot out; through the heater, through the clock…
Pods (Singing): Mean green mother from outer space…
Mean green mother from outer space…
Hermione II (Singing): And I. Am. BAD!
Ha-Ha! Bye-Bye, Harry Potter! Hiyo!
The plant grabs the ceiling and yanks. As the plant and the pods laugh, the entire room collapses around Harry; first the ceiling caves in, raining dust and tile everywhere. Then one wall gives in, then the other wall collapses and soon what used to be a plant shop is now a storm of wood, cement, dirt, and debris. The plant surveys the carnage, still laughing. Harry tries to dig his way out of the wreckage that has fallen on him. He stands, and is quickly grabbed by several strong vines.
Pods (Singing): Ah, ah, ah, ah…
The helpless Harry is lifted off the ground. The pods leap and dance around him, singing a crescendo. Screaming, Harry is forced into the massive plant's open maw and shoved down his throat. As his feet disappear, the plant gives him one last push and licks its vines clean. The plant bucks, forcing its meal down its throat. The music builds, then ends with a flourish, the final cord reverberating as the plant relaxes and smacks its lips. The plant turns and spits. Harry's glasses land in the foreground. One lens is cracked. In the background, the plant laughs. Its triumph complete.
A few minutes later, Patrick, along with the girls, enter with scissors and take cuttings from the plant. They then put them into pots and load them onto a trolley.
"FINALE (DON'T FEED THE PLANTS)"
Girl 1: Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed,
similar events in cities across America.
Events which bore a striking resemblance to the ones
you have just seen – began occurring…
Every shop in the USA has been transformed into a shop where signs advertise "WE HAVE HERMIONE II's HERE ON SALE!" the place is a mob scene; parents and children are buying all the miniature Hermione II's they can get their hands on. Check stands are flooded.
Girls: Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed…
Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California…
Made the acquaintance of a new breed of flytrap…
And got sweet-talked into feeding it blood…
Patrick Martin presses himself against the door, trying to keep
the scene from erupting into a riot. He is quickly overpowered
as more people pour in, adding to the existing crowds, and
overwhelming the poor plant sellers. Everybody, it seems,
wants a Hermione II.
All (Singing): Thus the plants worked their terrible will,
finding jerks who would feed them their fill.
And the plants proceeded to grow…and grow…
Cut to a modern American house where a family is watching TV when a special report interrupts the program.
All (Singing): And began what they came to here to do, which was essentially to…
Eat Cleveland!
And Des Moines!
And Peoria!
And New York!
And where you live!
The news presenter cuts to Cleveland where a giant Hermione II is wreaking havoc.
Suddenly, vines shoot through the television and the walls. They grab the couple
and drag them away.
All (Singing): They may offer you fortune and fame,
Love and money and instant acclaim.
But whatever they offer you,
Don't feed the plants.
News reports about the destruction suddenly start to interrupt every TV program in America.
Draco (Singing): They may offer you lots of cheap thrills…
Harry (Singing): Fancy condos in Beverley Hills…
Ron (Singing): But whatever they offer you…
Hermione (Singing): Don't feed the plants!
Chorus (Singing): Lookout! Here comes Hermione II!
Lookout…
Hermione II (Singing): Here I come for you!
Harry (Singing): Here I come for you!
Draco (Singing): Here I come for you!
Hermione (Singing): Here I come for you!
Hermione II laughs loud and mockingly yet again as the plants continue their rampage.
All (Singing): Hold your hat and hang onto your soul!
Something's coming to eat the world whole!
If we fight it, we still got a chance.
But whatever they offer you –
Tho' they're slopping the trough for you –
Please whatever they offer you,
Don't feed the plants…
Harry and Hermione (Singing): We'll have tomorrow!
All (Singing): DON'T FEED THE PLA—A—ANTS!
THE END?
Wll that's my fanfic, I hope you enjoyed it! Please rate and review...