I wish you a Merry Christmas! And above all - stay healthy!

Chapter 23

Confessions

Bella

"Has the thought not occurred to you that I just like being with you?" Edward asked in a lovely velvet tone, while gently playing with my hand.

I gulped.

Yes, the thought had occurred to me. But just as quickly as it had come, I had dismissed it. Because it couldn't be true. It was not allowed to be true. At least as far as it exceeded a simple friendship. He behaved almost like he used to. I remembered too well how it was with him. But that' s not how it was going to be anymore. I wasn't good enough for him then and I wouldn't be now either. If I didn't show him the limits right away, he would only draw me in too much again. He already made me lose my composure too often. But I was no longer a naive teenager. I had to keep my wits about me so as not to lose myself again.

"Simply out of courtesy. Because of our past," I answered with conviction. I did not see any other reason.

"And just out of politeness, I did your housework, too?" he doubted, and it somehow sounded illogical to me, too, now that I thought about it.

After all, he could have just left earlier. Making sure that I arrived home in one piece and that he had also taken care of my foot should have been enough decency. But he had come back. Surely because he had heard that otherwise I would have spent the evening alone. Lending my kids his expensive car was actually also overkill, since they could have easily gone with Ben. Also to school tomorrow. Therefore, another idea came back to my mind.

"Maybe you all just wanted to make sure that I don't tell anyone what you really are," I said tonelessly.

With a short arrogant gaze he rebuked my answer.

"Surely then Carlisle would be here, and not me. Besides, we never doubted your secrecy. None of us did. Not even Rosalie or Jasper," he explained indulgently.

"But then what are you doing here? And let me order you around like that?" I asked now, completely confused.

"Because I like being with you. No matter what I have to do for it," he said earnestly, looing me in the eyes.

This liquid gold already hit me right in the heart again.

Could it really be? Was it possible that he ...?

"What about Samantha?" a last vestige of my sanity wrestled its way to the surface, and Edward winced. The gold in his eyes appeared hard and unyielding.

"What about her?" he asked with a somehow strange tone of voice that I couldn't quite place.

For one thing, it sounded spiteful. Like earlier in the bedroom when I had asked about Texas. As if I had no right to ask about Samantha. Not just me, like no one was entitled an answer. For another, it sounded like an apology.

"Aren't you with her?" I asked directly. We had been together and he hadn't changed me. Because his feelings for me weren't strong enough to shake his faith. So, I had assumed that Samantha's love had managed to take away his doubts. On Monday, I had been happy for Edward, that he had apparently ended his distraction and found a mate.

"No," he said so quickly and with such a contemptuous sound that I winced briefly.

Okay. I guess I was wrong.

Something inside me relaxed, but I didn't know what it was. The subject made me too curious to follow the origin of this relief.

"But didn't you change her?" I now asked, confused.

That's how it had sounded to Jake. 'HIS mistake' he had called it. He suddenly appeared weak and, more importantly, guilty as he lowered his gaze.

"Yes. I did," he whispered so softly that I barely understood.

He appeared vulnerable and I silently stroked his hand, which had probably never tightened into a cold stone as much as it did now. I didn't want to press him.

It took him a moment to look at me again.

"I'll tell you ... I don't know what you'll say about it, but I can't keep it from you ... I want you to find out everything from me, even if it shocks you or you find it repulsive," he said quietly, seeming to collapse a little.

"You've never been able to scare me," I disagreed with conviction, laughing a little to distract him from this gloomy mood.

It worked, but not for long.

"I didn't say anything about scaring you either," he smirked slightly, the color in his eyes softening a bit.

Then he got serious again.

I rearranged myself a bit on the sofa, took some pillows from my back so I could sit upright against the backrest, and pulled my legs a little closer to me.

Edward got me yet something to drink from the kitchen and then covered my ankle again with his soothing hands.

I was ready to hear whatever would shock me. Or repel me.

"Well, start telling me," I prompted him curiously.

"It's not so much a narrative. For me it feels like a confession, because I'm not only ashamed of my behavior, but I hate myself for it ..." he began. He took a deep breath before continuing, "I haven't been doing very well in the last few years. More specifically, the last nineteen years ..."

He talked about what his life was like after Forks. Bleak and dark. He thought about me a lot and imagined me experiencing things with him. How I would react or what kind of opinion I would have. He also had imaginary conversations with me, during which he felt better. Until one evening he was at the movies with his siblings. He was walking alone through some alleys to get the car and had considered what I would have thought of the film when he thought I was standing in front of him. He saw me, smelled me, felt the warmth of my skin as he touched me. And his thirst for blood overcame him, because he had also not hunted for five weeks. He knew the taste to this smell and could no longer hold on to himself. The blood smelled so inviting that he simply bit. Alice had seen it in a vision and with the others stopped him from killing his victim. But they could no longer save the young woman. None of them thought they were strong enough to resist the blood, and Edward was in a blood frenzy anyway, unable to think clearly. By the time they got to Carlisle, the transformation had already begun.

My thoughts were confused.

The fact that he should have suffered as much as I did after Forks didn't make any logical sense to me.

Therefore, my mind passed over this part of his confession, and focused on the rest of the narrative.

"That's just your nature," I tried to reassure Edward a little, who by now was sitting in front of me as if all the sins of the world were on his shoulders. From his point of view, I could even understand it. He was strict with himself. But I had always sympathized and admired them all for how they tried to master living without human blood. One innocent victim wouldn't turn his vampiric life balance around. "You don't have to hate yourself for that."

"I don't know what I would have done if I had run into you that evening. I don't know if I would have attacked you the same way I attacked Samantha ... I would have condemned you to be one of us. Against your will," he whispered guiltily.

"So what? Then it would have happened," I said lightly, because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

I didn't think it was as bad as he did. Why shouldn't I have been able to cope with this life. About a year ago, I definitely had not wished for that life, but I would not have run from the chance. My children would have phased a bit sooner, their own mother would then have been one of their mortal enemies, but I think we would have managed that somehow. Furthermore, Carlisle would probably have taken me in just as he had done with Samantha. To live with Edward under one roof - the vampire who didn't want me! - that I imagined would be somewhat problematic, but there were solutions for that, too. At least we got along well with each other today.

"But that's not all," Edward drew his eyes together almost anxiously. "For this evening alone I am already ashamed. I have done something that I consider inexcusable in my eyes. For you!" he said, and I leaned back against the back of the sofa.

I gulped.

What could I never excuse? I could think of nothing, except the death of someone close to me. But I would certainly have heard about that already.

So, he went on to talk about an evening a few weeks later.

He was engrossed in an imaginary debate with me and had completely lost control of it. He was miserable and wanted nothing more that evening than for me to be there. And I had come.

"I slept with Samantha," he finished, sinking in guilt.

He knelt in front of me on the sofa, ready to take any punishment from me. I thought over his words.

Something rang in the back of my mind, but I couldn't grasp it. I just didn't understand why this confession would be so bad for me, of all people. I had nothing to do with him. Nothing connected us anymore. Except for a short time together, which I had not really thought of for a long time.

Sex was the most natural thing in the world. After so many years of abstinence, why shouldn't he go to bed with a woman? What could I have said against that? He had refused my request at that time - as he had refused so many things to me - but only for my protection. I had no reason to doubt it. To give himself to another vampire, even if he had not really wanted it, was his right. Just like mine was.

We were silent for some time without moving.

Then I took his hand and his golden gaze lifted to me uncertainly.

"And I slept with Jacob Black. Because I loved him. Not a year after you left," I spoke clearly but gently. In my thoughts I added that Jake was not the only one, but that was none of his business. It was a matter of principle for me. "And I have my children to prove it," I smiled hesitantly at him after no reaction.

"You forgive me for my unforgivable behavior?" he then asked in amazement after another moment.

"I have nothing to forgive you for. You left me nineteen years ago. What you did after that is your business. But thank you for telling me," I said honestly, genuinely surprised by his openness.

He didn't owe me any explanations, no matter what he thought he had done wrong. I was curious about everything he had experienced during those years, but I had no right to know.

However, this Samantha made me curious. What kind of woman was this who could double-cross an over 100 years old Edward Anthony Masen Cullen?

"You really mean that?" Edward doubted my statement yet.

"Yes. I mean it," I confirmed, and his entire posture relaxed.

"Thank you, Bella," he whispered humbly, pulling me into his cold arms.

I was surprised at this reaction, which took my breath away.

So far, he had carried me around, caught me or supported me, but he had never yet put his arms around me as he was doing now. Emotionally and intimately. And it was just ... Wow ... A heavenly feeling that made me shiver. I got goosebumps when I also put my arms around him hesitantly, but not the cold was the reason.

I didn't know how long we sat there like that, but I looked at the clock when I heard a car pull up. It was almost eleven o'clock and I was obviously yawning because of the time. I hadn't been tired yet until just now.

Edward smirked and appeared completely relaxed again.

"You should go to bed ... or better be carried," he said caringly.

I nodded, but wanted to wait for the kids first. They were still doing their usual evening run, but it seemed to be very short today.

"Hey, Mom. You're up still," Leah noted in surprise.

"I thought the days of you waiting for us were over," Jake teased me.

Oh no, my children. Those times are never over! Even if only one of them was not here, I would lay awake in my bed until they were both home again. I trusted them, but I was their mother. I couldn't help it.

They were still talking about how the movie was and how nice the evening was in general. The car would not have received a single scratch, which Edward, who had retreated to an armchair as my children spread out around me, took note of with a very satisfied gaze.

In that he had had no doubt.

"Now off to bed. You have school tomorrow," I then admonished, when it was already half past eleven.

They both gave me a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye as they went to bed.

So, Edward and I sat alone in the living room again. I on the sofa, he in the armchair.

A strange feeling. Familiar and strange at the same time. Then a thought came to me.

"Weren't they wondering why you were still here?" I asked curiously. I usually threw out my mid-week visits earlier. But Edward wasn't just any visitor. Um ... Why wasn't he?

"No. They didn't think about how I was still here. They probably would have been more surprised if I had already left while you were still awake," he smiled at me. "But you should be in bed, too. You have to work tomorrow," he said just as sternly as I had told the children.

"Well ... then," was all I said, rising from the sofa.

Faster than it was possible for my eyes to see, I had cold arms around me again, gently lifting me off the ground.

"I said you weren't doing anything today," he defended himself.

Unnecessarily. I had already expected that he would not let me go alone.

"But today is already almost over."

"Already?" he specifically asked.

"Already! The evening with you was nice," I whispered a little embarrassed.

"I thought so too," he said as he sat me down on my bed.

"What am I going to do about my ankle?" I then asked, a bit overwhelmed. After all, I wasn't supposed to burden him, but I didn't know to what extent I would stick to it while asleep. How much would it damage if I tensed my foot because I might be playing soccer with the kids in my dream or - what seemed more likely to me today - running away from vampires. I forbade my thoughts from thinking that I could run to meet a vampire - a very specific vampire.

"I'll make you a bandage with an ice pack around it," he said, concentrated, and took a closer look at my ankle, palpating it again and lightly rotating the joint.

He carried me into the bathroom so I could get ready for bed while he got a new ice pack out of the freezer downstairs.

Good thing we had so many of them.

He then carried me to the bed and quickly ran to my bathroom closet.

My breath hitched for a moment. I had always known he was fast, but I had forgotten how fast that really was.

Expertly, yet very gingerly, he applied cream to the joint again and put the bandage on, and I shivered from the icy coolness of the ice.

I would have preferred his hands a lot more.

I cringed a little at that thought, about how much I would have preferred it.

It hardly hurt anymore. But maybe I was just distracted. I just couldn't take my eyes off that beautiful face and, lost in thought, reached into his bronze hair, which stood out unruly in all directions.

He immediately lifted his head and looked at me just as dreamily.

An angel ... carved in stone.

"Thank you ..." I eventually brought to my lips. "For your help this evening."

"I'm happy to be your slave," he smiled wryly at me.

"From doctor to slave in less than ten minutes!"

"These are real career opportunities, don't you think?"

"Carlisle would be proud of you!" I grinned at him.

"Most definitely," he said with real conviction. "Finished," he declared, looking at his artwork.

He seemed satisfied with it. He quickly went over yet again, brought back the ointment and washed his hands.

"Thank you, Doctor," I said politely when he was back and slid further up in my bed and pulled the covers over me.

"You are a very good patient," he praised me and helped me with the blanket. Then he knelt down on the floor beside me yet. "When is it okay for you to have me here tomorrow morning?" he asked cautiously.

I paused and he smiled.

"I'll drive you to work and take Jake and Leah to school," he reminded me.

Oh, yes. I had forgotten.

"Besides, tomorrow you'll need another bandage around your ankle, so that you can walk again on your own ... I can't carry you around all the time," he now interchanged my accusation as if it had been his objection.

"It was your idea to carry me," I defended myself, offended. I would have been only too happy to walk alone, but he hadn't let me. On the other hand, his closeness had been very nice. To feel that cold skin on mine, to smell his scent, to sink into those eyes, or to lose myself in his laughter. It had been silly to try to supervise him watering flowers, but I absolutely did not want to miss anything about him. Who knows how long I would be allowed Edward's company?

"And I liked the idea," he admitted in a whisper. "What time are you getting up tomorrow?" he began cheerfully, interrupting himself with a gaze at my bandaged foot peeking out from the edge of the blanket. "Or when are you going to try to get up?"

"My alarm clock goes off at six."

"I'll be here ... Sleep well, Bella," he promised and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

It tingled where he touched me with his lips.

Quietly he left my room and I quickly sank into a very vivid dream.

A dream of Edward.

Thank you for reading!