This was the first ever piece of fanfiction I had ever posted on this site, and now I'm rewriting a huge chunk and posting it back up again. A few things do need to be cleared up, though. This was written back in early 2002, thus the storyline, gimmicks and even some personalities are al based back in that particular timeline. In fact, WWE was still WWF back then (which is the reason I use WW(F)E in my disclaimer). If anything seems inconsistent with what is happening now, this is the reason. Now that's done, time for the story.
Disclaimer: Vince McMahon owns the WW(F)E and everything connected to it. J.R.R. Tolkien created the Lord of the Rings trilogy and has nothing but my utmost respect. I do not own, nor am I affiliated with anything here, seeing as I am not creative enough to come up with something like The Lord of the Rings, or rich enough to hold WW(F)E. I own nothing but my computer and even I don't foot the bill for that.
Date Uploaded: 30 November 2004
Introduction
Three Rings for the Elven-Kings
Who consider themselves fairer than the rest
Seven for the Dwarf-lords
Who are uglier but richer than the Elves they detest
Nine for Mortal Men
Who are haughty but weak alike
One for the Dark Lord on his dark bike
In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie
One Ring to make him loved by few,
Hated by many and respected by all
Either that or he makes them all famous
In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie
Characters
Note that these are in no way complete. There are still a few that I have to add within the next few weeks.
Introducing the members of the Fellowship.
Kurt Angle - Frodo: God help us. Okay, so he may not be a wide-eyed innocent-looking guy with curly hair (and yes, he still actually has hair here), but he was the best I could come up with.
The Rock - Sam: Totally nothing like the real character, and lives to see Master Kurt get into more shit each day. Then again, he'd rather be dead than address him as Master Kurt anyway.
Triple H - Aragorn: Back when he was still playing face to Jericho's heel. Either way, you saw that coming a mile away, didn't you?
Jeff Hardy - Legolas: The WWF's (former; note F) pretty boy to step in for the LOTR pretty Elf. They share the same grace anyway, even though Jeff gets his ass kicked a hell of a lot more, usually by his own fault.
Kane - Gimli: With mask ON! Right, so Kane's not your average Dwarf. Call it mixed blood. Who would you rather have by your side when faced with a twelve-foot troll, Gimli the loudmouthed Dwarf or the silent Big Red Machine?
Edge & Christian - Merry & Pippin: Merry and Pippin: E&C are M&P respectively, or even reversibly if you prefer, it doesn't really matter. I know they had this major falling a few years ago and everything, but let's face it, they were the funniest tag team ever and perfect in these slots.
Chris Jericho - Boromir: A big mouth who looks at things in the context of what he can gain. Does that describe Jericho to a tee or what? Primary reason for him being in this slot is because I get to kill him off.
Mick Foley - Gandalf: Don't look at me that way! It's my story so what I say goes, and that's final!
If you think those character choices were weird, check out the others.
Jim Ross - Bilbo: Doesn't do much except rave about slobberknockers, the Sooners, and turn into a crazed mad-Hobbit at the sight of the Ring.
Vince McMahon - Elrond: Hahaha! Total mismatch but I don't care. Elrond's wise and benevolent while Vince is cunning and devious. Should be hell.
Stephanie McMahon - Arwen: I know Stephanie can be a screaming harpy, but this is a comedy! Please, don't slit my throat yet!
Shane McMahon - Elladan/Elrohir: Whichever one you prefer, I don't really care. Hey, as far as I know Vince has only one son and Elrond had two. Guess he'll have to fill in for both.
Matt Hardy - Glorfindel: The Elven-lord who got cut from the movie to make way for Arwen's big chase scene. I wasn't about to let that happen here, though.
Shawn Michaels - Erestor: Chief of the house of Elrond, or in this case Vince McMahon. Gets a total of two lines in this fic. Might be too much already.
Bret Hart - Isildur: Don't ask me why I put him in this spot, I don't really know myself.
Stu Hart - Elendil: RIP I know what you're thinking; huh? I have no idea either.
Perry Saturn - Tom Bombadil: The biggest character who didn't make it into the movie for some reason. I don't know why I chose Perry Saturn, I guess it's because they're both really weird, one by too many hits on the head and another by default.
Moppy - Goldberry: … don't' ask. Wait, you remember Moppy, right? Come on!
Rikishi - Butterbur: First person I thought of for the part. No special reason.
Paul Bearer - Gloin: Hey, the height's a near match anyway.
Big Show - Treebeard: Once again, the height's a near match anyway.
Hurricane - Gwaihir: The Eagle-lord. I was thinking wings, and the superhero came to mind.
Brooklyn Brawler - Fatty Bolger: Another cut off character (although he was mentioned in one of the opning scenes of FOTR). Basically a caretaker of Crickhollow. Gets one line in the entire fic.
Trish Stratus - Rosie Cotton: Yeah, I know, not exactly fitting into the wholesome female-Hobbit ideology, but then again hardly anything else fit either.
Dewey & Noelle Foley - Éothain & Freda: Dewey and Noelle were the two closest kids I could get from the Federation that fit into these spots.
Billy & Chuck - Haldir: Back when they were supposedly gay, prancing around wearing matching trunks and did weird stretches together. Yes, I will go moderate on the gay jokes.
Debra - Galadriel: Hehehe... can you just imagine Gimli if someone like Debra really took Galadriel's part? You can bet King would be all over this Elf.
Stone Cold Steve Austin - Celeborn: A beer-swilling, foulmouthed Elf with a shaved head? In my world, it can happen. Celeborn in the movie may have been given two lines at the most, but Stone Cold won't settle for that - WHAT?? - I said Stone Cold won't settle for that!
Rey Mysterio Jr. - Eomer: Absolutely no match here whatsoever, but I wanted Rey-Rey in.
Lita - Eowyn: Eowyn is officially the only female in the entire trilogy who got to kick major ass. Lita may not be the solitary athletic diva on the roster, but she did make a great impact in the last couple of years.
Shannon Moore - Theodred: Immediately bites the dust. Hey, if you've seen the movies and/or read the books that shouldn't be a spoiler.
Hulk Hogan - Theoden: Hogan had the best comeback there ever was in WWE history after leaving the now (where he is now is debatable, though). Theoden was dormant until Aragorn came over and kicked Wormtongue out his life. Good match to me.
Rob Van Dam - Faramir: I originally thought of putting Jericho in this position as well, but I decided to go with Mr. Monday Night, R-V-D.
Tommy Dreamer - Parn: One of RVD's men, almost like a sidekick in this piece.
Ric Flair - Denethor: I actually didn't want to put Ric Flair in this slot, but I could find no one else. I guess it provides tribute to him being the greatest heel in wrestling history.
X-Pac - Gollum: I actually slated Heyman to be in this spot first, but after a while I changed my mind and went with X-Pac instead. Heyman went to a character fitting himself more.
Brock Lesnar - Lurtz: Needed a big, beefy dude for this part.
Jazz - Shelob: No complaints about this match, are there?
Paul Heyman - Grima Wormtongue: I think out of all the characters, this is the perfect match. These two personify each other in almost every way; Conniving, talks too much, sucks up to people in power to get what they want, will backstab at the least provocation. Do I need to go on?
Kaientai/Eric BischoffSarumanI think I was sugar high when I cast Kaientai for this one part. Well, as they say, they are EEEEVVIIILL!!!! Bit of a spoiler for Two Turnbuckles with Bischoff's name in there.
Undertaker - Sauron: The big baddie, the Dead Man turned biker reborn back to Dead Man himself. There are few more intimidating forces than the Undertaker, and that's why he was perfect for the part.
Prologue
The world has changed. One could feel it in the waters, in the earth, even smell it in the air. And it's not the fresh smell of a good change; more like the stagnant underlay of long, unwashed socks, or even a new gimmick change for the wrestler formerly known as Prince Albert. What these lands had is slowly fading, and those who can remember its former glory are dead, senile or drunk most of the time.
So allow this narrative to enlighten you.
It all started over three millennia ago with the fashioning of the Great Rings. No, not wrestling rings, but actual rings; glittery, shiny gold things given to the rulers of the land. Three were given to the Elves who, being beautiful, perfect and thus extremely haughty, immediately lorded it over the other races.
They shut up after the Dwarves received seven of their own. The Dwarves, however, being miners and excellent craftsmen themselves, weren't too impressed with the craftsmanship of said rings but took them anyway for the power value.
Finally nine rings were bestowed to the race of Men, who craved power more so than the others. One can hardly blame them; they aren't immortal, don't live quite long lives, lack flawlessness like the Elves or the discipline of the Dwarves. They weren't the best race out there, but that didn't stop them from wanting to be.
Anyway, the point of them being given these Great Rings was to confer to them the ability to govern their subjects well. It didn't stop some of them from abusing their power by misleading the people and squandering public funds. Nothing much changes with governments, you would suppose.
But all of them were duped, for another Ring was forged within the recesses of Mt. Doom. In a crazed quest to beat respect into every single one of the free folk who walked the Middle-Fed-Earth, the Dark Lord/Badass Undertaker fashioned a golden Ring of excellent craft, polished elegance and incredible power, trumping all the other puny little rings (note lack of capitalization). Okay, so maybe due to lack from friends he got bored. So in the dark recesses of His Yard, the One Ring was forged which bore this inscription:
One Ring to make him loved by few,
Hated by many and respected by all.
And with this he managed to make good His promise in gaining respect, not to mention fear, from the free folk, and completely annihilating those that resisted by going old school on them. Many crumbled, some merely after being locked in a stare down with the Dark Lord, others after a few chair shots to the jugular. It looked like the Dark Lord would succeed. This went on for a couple of years and pretty soon the rest of the peoples of Middle-earth got really sick of receiving shots to the midsection, getting chokeslammed through tables and being run over by his motorbike.
In a final undertaking to overwhelm the Undertaker (there's a play on words that didn't work out), an alliance of Men and Elves were formed. It was a shaky coalition, considering the last alliance known on Middle-Fed-Earth was composed of two sports-entertainment giants that soon floundered, and that wasn't a very good storyline either.
But that is another story, back to this one. The Men-Elves Alliance (and there was much debate over which race came first in the title, I assure you) marched against the armies of the Dark Lord. They fought against a would-be tyrant and seemed about to win if the Undertaker himself didn't decide to step into battle.
How do you kill a Dead Man? Specifically, how do you kill a Dead Man with that all-powerful One Ring (note capitalization) on his armor-clad finger? A damning question, and one that no doubt flashed through the minds of Men and Elves alike as they were victims to a rapidly spinning mace, not to mention a few Chokeslams and Tombstone Piledrivers here and there. Amid the fray the King, Stu Hart, rushed forward in a brave attempt to slay the Dark Lord and was cut down. It seemed that all hope was lost. Some cowards had already taken it upon themselves to run.
And then Bret took up his father's broken sword and somehow miraculously, considering the heavy protective covering the Undertaker seemed to have donned on his entire body, slashed the Dark Lord's fingers right off, the Ring falling with them. The Dark Lord Undertaker let out a howl that could be heard all the way to the Barren Wastelands. Hey, the guy had his finger cut off; you'd yell too if that happened to you. Then with a clap of thunder and some really freaky rolling of eyes, he imploded. No, honestly, he did, and he took out quite a few more surrounding enemies and allies with him.
That was how it came to be that Bret Hart picked up the One Ring.
As stated before Men are a greedy race, craving power and consequently easily corrupted. Bret Hart refused to destroy the Ring on grounds that he could harness the power. The Ring, unfortunately, was not merely a lump of gold metal for show. It had a will of its own, and it didn't involve Bret, at least not for long. On his way back from the battles at Mordor Bret Hart and company were ambushed by Orcs. Bret ended up floating face down in a stream with a few arrows in his back. Fish food.
And the Ring was lost and remained quiet for another two thousand years or so. It was a patient little bugger. Stories about it and the Great War were passed on from generation to generation until it degenerated to old wives' tales.
Finally they day came when the Ring chose a new holder, a greasy-haired, bandana-wearing chumpstain by the name of X-Pac. The Ring stayed with this creature for centuries and gave its bearer an unusually long life, quite unfortunately for the rest of us.
Not even an inanimate object could put up living with a wretch like X-Pac for long, however, and as such the Ring decided to pack its bags and head out in search of more pleasant, familiar surroundings. The time had come for it to return to its Master, who was in the process of rejuvenating in the forests of Mirkwood, if I remember the legend (a.k.a the books) well.
But then something happened that not even the crafty little Ring counted on. It was picked up by one of the Lands' more curious creatures, a Hobbit named JR. And for the next sixty years, again another period of time I can't be quite sure of, it remained hidden once more. That is, until the events of the War of the Ring that this narrative will tell.
The Fellowship of the Squared Circle, I Mean Ring