The Fellowship of the Squared Circle, I Mean Ring - Chapter 01: A Party for Good Ol' JR; The Ring Passes On
Date Uploaded: 04 December 2004
Chapter 01: A Party for Good Ol' JR; The Ring Passes On
The Shire. If there was a cozy little paradise on Middle-Fed-Earth it was this nook called Hobbiton. It was serene, with leisurely comings and goings of the Hobbits that went on with their business. Today was just a bit of an exception, what with the huge bash and all.
But the scene in front of our eyes might as well have been plucked from a storybook. Actually it was, not to mention ripped from a movie into this parody. Anyway, in the woods under the cool shade of the trees a young Hobbit sat. He had the wide, easy face of a simpleton, and was wearing a dorky red, white and blue ensemble. He was chewing on a piece of grass and reading a book entitled 'How to Have Adventures for Dummies.' Apparently the 'Idiot's Guide' must have confused him. This not so reliable-looking creature is our tale's hero.
Kurt Angle looked up as he heard singing in the distance. His pointed ears pricked up at the sound and barely made out the almost nonsensical lyrics of a weary traveler.
"The mountains are merciless, the crags steep/ I've lost half my belongings and forewent sleep/ I dream not of riches but a decent inn/ to rest my head and get a bottle of gin…" there was a groan and the next lament was spoken. "I'm getting too old for this shit."
Kurt grinned and shot to his big feet, almost tripping over them as he went to greet this trekker and particularly horrible singer. He came to a clearing overlooking the road and crossed his arms, forcing his expression to look stern as a carriage slowly rolled up.
"You're late," he scolded the driver.
"Sorry, got caught up with writing my latest novel, set right here in Hobbiton of the Shire!" Mick Foley peeked out from under the tall wizard's hat and gave his familiar gap-toothed grin, generating a cheap pop from somewhere in the unspecified background. The two of them looked around for the source but turned back to each other after finding none.
Finally unable to keep his firm front (not that it passed for one) up any longer, Kurt let out a childish laugh and jumped onto the cart. This caused the startled horse to whinny and rear up, Mick losing control of the reigns and sailing out of the vehicle. He landed with a thump mere inches away from a mud puddle.
"Jesus, Kurt, what on Middle-Fed-Earth was that for??" Mick demanded, picking himself up sorely and dusting his fallen hat off.
"I dunno. Seemed like a good idea at the time," Kurt said sheepishly as Mick hoisted himself back onto the seat. Foley mentally chided himself for forgetting that the guy was klutz as well as a dork, hazardous to himself and everyone around him.
The horse, now calm after seeing that no harm was going to be done to it, gave a little neigh of laughter at its master. Mick glared at it in warning and made an impatient noise with his tongue, flicking the reigns and urging it forward on the dirt road again.
"So what's been going on outside of Hobbiton?" Kurt asked, sitting down beside him as the cart rolled along.
"Why are you so curious?" Mick asked a bit suspiciously. "Usually you're contented to sit around and stare at air."
"Air is fascinating, you should try it," Kurt said. "Actually I'm just trying to make conversation until you get to my stop."
For someone who was so simple-minded Kurt could be a smartass at times. Mick was about to say more when they passed a clearing showing the party site. Chairs and tables were being set up, as various Hobbit workers ran to and fro or picked fights with each other. "Ah, the party. You've learned from last time and brought plenty of booze, I assume?"
"Uncle JR's got about a dozen great kegs, and that's just for backup," Kurt said, remembering the disaster a few years back when the beer had run out and angry, thirsty Hobbits rushed Bag End in a semi-drunken stupor. "I'm glad to see you, Foley, and I'm sure Uncle JR will be too."
"Good, because I intend to make myself pretty comfortable," Mick said, regaining his smile. "So, how is your uncle?"
"Uncle JR's been cranky lately because of all the party preparations and unwanted guests, but other than that it's the same old, same old," Kurt said. "Come to think of it he hasn't grown all that old, really. Pretty strange for somebody who's already hit eleventy-one."
"Eleventy-one?" Mick echoed in surprise.
"Sure," Kurt said, looking at him. ""I thought you knew he was a hundred and eleven years old today?"
Mick groaned. "Damnit, no! I thought he was seventy-one. Well, I guess I'll just have to cancel the strippers I ordered from the Godfather then, no big deal."
Suddenly Kurt stood up, causing Foley to jerk the reigns and make the horse neigh in frustration. "This is as far as I go. I'll see you later, Mick!" he jumped off and waved goodbye as he ran, apparently only remembering that he had left his book under that blasted tree.
Mick waved back and resumed his ride, grinning wryly to himself. "Boy hasn't changed; he's still the biggest dork I've ever met.
He continued upon the road some more, tipping his hat pleasantly to Hobbits, some of whom acknowledged him back (especially the children) and others who frowned and turned a blind eye. Well, you can't win them all, even if you were Mick Foley.
He kept riding some more and came to a stop in front of one of the Hobbit holes, a rather large one indicating a prominent owner. It had a green door but instead of the polished doorknob being in the center it was for some reason on the side. Foley shrugged, got out of the cart and went up to the door, banging it thrice with his stick.
"I swear to God, Moolah, if that's you, I'm cutting you and the rest of the Fab-ville Bagginses out of my fortune!" an irritated voice promptly yelled from inside.
Mick smiled knowingly. "It's just me, JR!"
There was a scramble and the door opened. JR peeked out, then pushed it farther when he saw that it was only Foley and not any of the other pests that had been bothering him all morning. "Foley! Am I relieved to see it's you," he said as the two old friends hugged and shared greetings.
"The day's been pretty hectic for you, huh?" Mick commented.
"More than you can imagine. Come in and shut the door before Moolah and the rest of her grubby-fingered posse return," JR beckoned him inside. "I'll whip up something. Careful, you might hit your head," he warned as he scuttled to the kitchen.
Mick took off his pointy hat and promptly hit his head on one of the beams across the ceiling. With a groan of pain, he followed JR into the kitchen.
"I've been expecting you for a week, you tardy bastard," JR scolded as he poured them some tea.
"So Kurt mentioned," Mick said, nonchalantly shrugging the admonishment off and helping himself to some cakes.
"Ah, so you've seen him already."
"Yeah," Mick grinned through a mouthful of cake. "He's never going to change, is he?"
"No, I don't think so," JR said with a sigh. "He was born a dork, is a dork, and will die a dork. Unfortunately that's more than I can say for any of our other relatives, that's why I took him under my wing."
"I thought you took him under your wing so he wouldn't hurt himself?"
"Yeah, that too."
Foley nearly choked on his tea as he stifled a guffaw. "I heard somewhere that I've also been branded as a disturber of the peace since I ran you out and forced you to go on that trip along with Paul Bearer, King and the others to face the dragon Gangrel."
JR shrugged indifferently. "Hobbits will talk, forget what they say. Defeating him wasn't so hard, all he needed was a bottle of one of my best BBQ sauce to soften him up. Of course having you around while I did it would have helped."
"Mmm," Mick said, purposely stuffing more cake into his mouth. He moved to change the subject. "So, is your party all set?"
"Yes, it'll take place tonight," JR said, letting the matter of the dragon go. Then he sat down and looked gravely at Foley. "I'm leaving after it. I'm taking a vacation and I don't think I shall come back."
"Living with a dork like Kurt I was surprised you lasted this long," Foley quipped.
"I mean it this time, Mick."
"Sure you do, JR," Mick said, humouring him. "Just like the time five years ago when you packed your bags and headed as far as your summer cottage in Crickhollow. Or to Bree two years before that."
JR sighed, deciding that Mick wouldn't be of much help right now. Then he looked out the window. "Look, it's getting dark. Care to go outside for a smoke before the party itself?"
"Why not?" Foley said with a shrug, chomping down the last of his food and washing it down. "You've got some of that Old Toby, right? It's great weed."
They stood from the table and went out of the door. In the same large clearing Mick passed earlier the bunch of other Hobbits JR was paying fifteen bucks an hour was setting up tents, pavilions and what not for the party that night. They were busier now, considering JR was overlooking them.
JR and Mick sat on a hill facing the workers and began to smoke. JR blew a perfect smoke ring. Foley countered by making a ship sail through it.
"You are such a show off," JR said grumpily as Mick merely continued to blow different smoke shapes, looking extremely pleased with himself.
»»»
In less than an hour the party was in full swing. For some reason the hired band was Fozzy, now playing in the background With Mongoose McQueen (not to be confused with one Chris Jericho) hopping around onstage. Speaking of hopping, Kurt was doing one hell of a geeky display of dancing, more like a chicken running over hot red coals. A lot of red hot coals. Somewhere the Brooklyn Brawler was trying to be cool and mingle. Edge and Christian were nowhere to be found. Rock was seated at a table having a beer and pretending he did not know the idiot in red, white and blue who was flapping his arms and doing everything but clucking like a farmhouse hen.
Unfortunately Kurt dropped down beside him. "Hey, Rocky."
Rock promptly groaned. "Did the Rock tell you that you could sit down beside him? And would you stop calling the Great One Rocky? Now get lost before someone catches the two of us together."
"Why don't you get up and ask Trish Stratus to dance?" Kurt suggested, ignoring his last comment.
"The Rock gives her one kiss and now he's supposed to be all over her? Why don't you go dance with her yourself? Then maybe you'd get laid for the first time in your life, get out of the Rock's hair and leave him alone."
"Come on, Rocky, you don't have to be shy!" Kurt said. He stood up and grabbed the Rock by his shoulders.
"Goddamnit, let go of the Rock! What in the blue hell-" but the Rock was cut off as Kurt stood him up and abruptly pushed him in the direction of a strip-teasing Trish Stratus. Trish immediately snared him with a flimsy garment that one could barely recognize as the top she was wearing half a minute ago.
JR was dictating to some kids how he commentated ringside on the epic battle between a bunch of creatures of the Shadow and members of the free folk in the slobberknocker called the Battle of Five Armies. The kids were quite enraptured, but more than a few wondered how exactly he got so close to the action without getting his head sliced off or something. Off to the side, Mick Foley was snickering to himself as he grabbed more fireworks from his cart. He was in his element and loved it.
In a tent nearby, Christian rubbed his hands in glee as Edge brought in a huge firecracker that they had sneaked out of Foley's cart. "Edge, this is totally great. So Foley thinks he can ban us from lighting a few up, huh? We'll show him!"
"Speaking of which, he 'confiscated' our bag of pipeweed earlier too," Edge said. "Consider this payback. Now, get the matches," he propped up the cracker.
Christian reached into his pants pocket and struck a match. He lit the end of the cracker and grinned as he put out the match and threw it in one corner. "So what now? We just wait for it to explode?"
"No, stupid, stick it in the ground," Edge said, shoving it to him.
"What do you mean me? I already lit the damn thing, you do it!" Christian replied, shoving it right back.
"Don't be such a baby, Christian!" Edge said just as babyishly, pushing it back to him.
Before Christian could give a smart aleck retort and shove it back to him, the sucker blew up. The rocket soared into the air and took the tent with it, completely scorching Edge and Christian, who were blown to the ground yet looked up at it in wonder, coughing through the smoke.
The people at the party gasped and looked up as a red fire-breathing dragon took shape in the night sky. There was a scuffle as they all ran to save their hides, thinking the damned thing was actually real. Chairs and tables were upturned and for a moment it seemed that the party had been horribly disrupted.
Kurt looked up, screeched and pushed JR down. "JR, watch out! There's a dragon!"
"Nonsense, there hasn't been a dragon since Gangrel got high on my special BBQ sauce!" JR declared.
At that moment the dragon soared over their heads and exploded into some cool-looking special effects. There was a collective sigh of relief as everybody realized that it was all part of the show. They began to pick themselves up, feigning aloofness.
Back where the tent used to be, the blonde Hobbit brothers surveyed their work. "That reeked of awesomeness, man," Christian remarked, his face covered with soot, except for the part where he had removed his funky sunglasses.
"Totally!" Edge said as he and Christian slapped a high five. "Let's get another one!" They began to move when a loud voice stopped them.
"Edge-ster, Christian." Foley said authoritatively. He clapped a hand on their shoulders and glared sternly at them, but his eyes still had that amused twinkle. "What have I told you about going through my firecrackers again?"
"Not to do it without asking you?" Christian tried lamely. Edge gave him a weird look. "What?? I'm trying here, man!"
Foley shook his head and led the pair of troublemakers away. "Dishwashing duty ought to be good for you two, although I think the only thing you have much experience in is washing your hair…"
JR, in order to cover up his having been shaken by the dragon fireworks, coughed, regained his composure and said brightly to everyone, "That's the signal to start dinner!"
"Food!" came the joyous yell of a young Hobbit. Considering the appetites of these folk, the tables were soon crammed.
There was eating, drinking, teasing and a few minor accidents, mostly from spilled drinks. A small food fight would have escalated from one end if Rock hadn't stepped in and clipped the Hobbit responsible on one ear. Edge and Christian spent most of the time cleaning and washing up under fierce watch from Foley. Things would have gone pretty okay until the end if Kurt hadn't opened is big mouth.
"Speech!" Kurt cheered, to which a groan promptly arose. Don't get the Hobbits wrong, when it comes to commentary JR's the best, but if one had to hear him give a speech and look at him on a podium at the same time, that person be out like a light in two seconds.
JR polished off the rest of his incredibly big, fresh off the BBQ rack meal, and stood up on the platform. He looked around. "Friends, Hobbits, countrymen. Lend me your pointy ears."
"No fair ripping off Shakespeare!" a yell came from the crowd.
"All right, fine." Actually, JR had forgotten the slip of paper on which he had written his speech on so he was quite muddled. He slipped his hand in his pocket and slowly drew out the Ring. "To tell you the truth I'm quite beat from this whole day's affairs. It's been great living with you people. This is the end. Goodbye!" with that he slipped on the Ring and vanished.
There was a noise of astonishment from the crowd. Some Hobbits even actually stopped eating in surprise. Edge blinked. "Hey, that was one of the shortest speeches he's ever given."
"Making it the best," Christian commented.
"Wait a minute, man, did he just spontaneously combust or something?" Edge asked. Christian merely shrugged.
From behind them Foley frowned, still puffing on his pipe and looking at where JR had stood. Then without a word he rose and left the crowd.
There was one person who was not so quiet, though. In the front, Kurt had sprang from his seat and was bawling like a freakin' idiot on the platform. "Waaah!!! JR, where'd you go?? Why'd you leave me??? Waaahhh!!!"
Rock rolled his eyes, even though it couldn't be seen from behind his dark sunglasses, which he was still curiously wearing though it was already well into the evening. "Moron," he muttered.
»»»
Meanwhile, quite a few yards away already, invisible Hobbit feet crunched on the grass towards Bag End. Once there the small gate swung open then shut. A snicker sounded as the front door then followed suit.
Inside, as the door closed, JR reappeared, looking extremely pleased with himself. He tucked the Ring back into his pocket and made his way to the hearth, beginning to pack up a few belongings for his long journey.
"I bet you thought that was pretty cool, didn't you?"
JR gasped in shock, swirled around and found himself looking at Foley. The wizard was bent in a corner of the small house and was leaning on a wall, his gap-toothed grin turned to the Hobbit.
"For Chrissake's Foley, you could have given me a heart attack!" JR said, clutching his chest.
"You're already doing a pretty good job of that yourself, the way you wolf down all that red meat," Mick pointed out. "But answer the question."
"What? Oh yes, my little disappearing act," JR said, managing a grin. "Sure I did. Didn't you?" JR said.
"Hell, it would have been better with some really cool special effects. Take an explosion and lots of flashing lights." Then Mick thought about it. "Then again, that would have given Kurt his own heart attack; he was crying like a little girl back when I left."
JR sighed and shook his head. He turned and continued to fix up his stuff for the trip he was going on. "I'm leaving him to you, you know."
"You're not serious??" Foley exclaimed. "What'd I do to merit that kind of punishment??"
"You owe me a favour remember?" JR said, apparently referring to his misadventures with the dragon again. "And yes I am serious, keep an eye on him, would you?"
"Fine," Foley said with a resigned sigh. "Two eyes, even. I'd keep two ears on him too, but you might as well settle for one and a third."
JR nodded and continued to stuff maps and papers into a satchel. "I'm leaving everything to him, unfortunately," he said. "It's in formal documents on the shelf."
"Even the Ring?"
At that JR drew back once again in surprise. "How'd you know about that?" he exclaimed, his voice coming out raspy and unnatural.
Foley rolled his eyes. "You told me, remember? When we came back in slaying Gangrel the dragon. Then again you were loaded so I guess you can't recall much about it. Oh, and you may want to get something for that nasty throat."
"I don't remember you doing much in the way of actually getting rid of the dragon!" JR said.
"That's beside the point," Foley said, stepping aside the matter once again. "I think you'd better leave the Ring too."
"To Kurt? What are you, high?" JR exclaimed incredulously.
"Probably, you Hobbits smoke a lot of pipe weed and I got hooked too. You think it would be illegal in Gondor or something?" Foley asked thoughtfully, looking at his pipe.
JR clasped the Ring firmly in his pocket. "I'm taking the blasted thing with me and that's final!" he declared.
"What' the crap's gotten into you, JR?" Mick asked, stunned, tearing his attention away from his pipe.
"You and your little cart of fireworks won't be able to take it away from me!" JR declared, drawing himself up as high as he could. Being a Hobbit, well, that wasn't very high.
"Don't take me for a mere conjuror of tricks!" Foley suddenly roared back, and he straightened up and seemed to loom bigger in front of JR's eyes. "I know I act way too goofy for my order and may seem like some loony madman after taking a lot of shots to the head but- OW!" Foley yelped, suddenly crouching back down and rubbing the back of his head. He grinned sheepishly and pointed up. "I forgot about the low ceilings."
The two had a pretty tense stare down there for a while. Mick was much bigger, but the cramped space would definitely hinder his movements if JR decided to bolt. Finally JR shook himself out of it. "Well, when you're right, you're right." he conceded.
Mick grinned and hoped he didn't look too relieved. "You're making the right choice, JR."
"I know," JR said. Then he briskly took up his bag and his walking stick by the side of the door, as well as his black Resistol hat. He placed it on his head and opened the door. "Goodbye, Foley! May we see each other again!"
"Take care of yourself, JR!" Foley called as the door shut. A moment later Foley slapped himself on his head. "Goddamnit, he's still got the Ring!! JR, come back here!!" he yelled, yanking the door open and running out into the night after the sneaky Hobbit.
"No, it's mine I tell you!" JR cried out, scampering away.
"Get back here, you lying, swindling fool! I'll show you!" Foley huffed, running after the Hobbit and cursing having eaten too much at the banquet earlier.
The two of them passed a still crying Kurt, who was being helped home by Edge and Christian. The blonde brothers stopped and nearly let go of their bawling, half-witted friend.
"Hey Edge, wasn't that JR and Foley?" Christian asked, turning around and trying to squint into the night to see, forgetting that he still had sunglasses on.
Edge turned down the road and had the good sense to lift his own shades to look. "It looked like them," he said.
"No, JR's gone! JR's left me all aloooonnneee!!! Waaaaahhh!!" Kurt bawled, springing into fresh tears and sobbing like a little Hobbit-lass.
Edge rolled his eyes. "Maybe we better just shut up and get this guy to his house before he decides to wet his pants," he suggested.
"Ew!" Christian said, squealing like the girly-boy, er Hobbit, he was. "What are we waiting for?? Let's get a move on! These are my favorite pair of tights!"
And so they went, still lugging the sniffling Kurt Angle between the two of them. The rest of the night passed smoothly, if you could ignore the screams of JR and the enraged shouts of Foley, with a bolt of lightning emanating from the wizard's stick every now and then. Finally, after about two hours into the morning, Foley managed to catch the Hobbit, force him to put the Ring into an envelope to bring it back to what was now Kurt's house.
The moment Foley stumbled into the Bag End, tired and grumbling irritably, he found Kurt sitting forlornly in front of the fire, sniffing back tears. What a simpleton. Foley walked over to him. "You should be happy, he left you the Bag End and everything in it."
"Aaauuggh!!" Kurt jumped and swiveled around, almost stumbling into the fire. "For crying out loud, Mick, would you warn somebody before you do that?? I know JR warned me that you liked to sneak up on people and all, but—"
Foley paid him no heed and put the envelope in his hand. "He even left you the Ring."
"Ring?" Kurt looked at the envelope. "What Ring?"
"You mean you don't know anything about it?"
"No," Kurt answered. "You mean his wedding band or something? But I thought he never married. And why would he give me his wedding band too of all things? Did he really hate his wife that much?"
Foley groaned. "It's not a wedding band," he snapped, not wanting to give a long explanation. "But it's very important. Keep it safe," with that he took his hat and stick and headed for the door.
"But wait a minute, you just got here!" Kurt protested. "You can't leave yet, not when I've just lost JR too!" he looked like he was ready to burst into another flood of tears.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," Actually, Mick wasn't really, but he sounded sincere enough. "But I just remembered some business I have to attend to. I'll be back, I assure you," he opened the door and turned one last time to Kurt. "Take good care of yourself, Kurt. And whatever happens, don't let anything happen to that Ring."
"Right, the ring," Kurt said, looking at the envelope in his hand.
"No, THE Ring. With a capital R. That's how important it is, Kurt," Mick said, putting more emphasis on his statement.
"Okay…" Kurt said, unsure, as he watched Foley move outside, get on his cart and drive off. He was left waving on the top step of Bag End. After a while he shut the door and looked at the envelope. "Keep it safe, huh?" with a shrug he threw it on top of JR's scattered desk and promptly forgot about it.
cont'd