Another little note: Smarks at Nfiction has been updated. i hope you'll check it out as well.
Date Uploaded: 10 April 2005
Chapter 04: The Freaky Old Forest
Early the next morning they set out on ponies, despite Edge and Christian's protests on getting up when the sun had barely risen itself. Actually the Rock wasn't so used to that either, not to mention he was nursing a pretty bad hangover (which was helped along a little by some of Brawler's incredibly nasty tasting tonic), but he figured that the earlier they set out the earlier he could be rid of the three buffoons he had with him.
So they went, Edge in the lead, the Rock behind him, Kurt following and Christian bringing up the rear, not too enthusiastic about his position. They soon entered the Old Forest and began to trudge along, their ponies almost as down as they were. Probably even more, considering they were carrying them and all the supplies.
On the bright side, this made everyone keep quiet, even Kurt. At least the Rock was thankful for that.
They rode on for a couple of hours, the tree branches overhead keeping out most of the sunlight. This made Kurt accidentally keep butting his pony right into the Rock's every now and then, annoying the Great One immensely. The trees themselves looked like they were pissed off at the trespassing of their turf, and loomed over the travelers with threatening frowns. Well, at least that was what it looked like to the four of them, especially Christian, who kept looking behind him thinking that a hooded figure with a white mask would come hurtling out of the shadows and slit his throat like something out of a bad slasher movie.
After a couple of hours Edge stopped in a wide clearing which fortunately had more sunshine than the rest of the forest that they had gone through. Rock ground his pony to a halt as well, but Kurt wasn't so swift and his pony hit the Rock's again, causing the Rock to lurch forward. He turned to glare angrily at Kurt, who gave him an apologetic smile, then he turned back to Edge. "What now? Have we almost reached the edge of this stupid forest?"
Edge shook his head. "Nah, I'm just tired. Let's rest."
Rock groaned and was about to protest when Kurt and Christian, all for the idea, got off their ponies. "Yeah, I'm hungry," Christian said, actually just looking relieved to give up his undesirable position. "Let's have some lunch."
Outnumbered, the Rock decided to give in, but not without muttering about lazy- halflings and threatening boots to the ass. In a while they had re-heated what the Brawler had packed off with them, as even though they were Hobbits, all of them weren't too competent when it came to cooking. They sat in a circle and began to eat.
Edge ate in silence. He hadn't wanted to say it, but the main reason he stopped was that he had no idea where they were. Rock was beginning to have suspicions about Edge's lack of direction and eyed the elder blonde brother dubiously.
After they had eaten Christian stretched out and yawned. "Let's go to sleep," he suggested, stalling. "This part of the forest isn't as weird as the others; I think we'd be safe here."
"I'm with him," Edge said, still unsure of the way and still not wanting to show it for fear of getting his ass kicked by his already grumpy traveling companions. "We've got a few more miles anyway, so we might as well get some rest."
Rock wasn't too keen on that idea, but sick of arguing and losing he sat back without a word. Pretty soon Edge and Christian were dead to the world, leaning upon a massive willow tree. Rock had his back on a stone and was still, his eyes hidden by his dark sunglasses. Kurt, thinking that they were all asleep, wandered off to a creek nearby.
Quite fortunately for him the Rock wasn't slumbering. His eyes were drooping, though, and he looked around to keep from zonking out. He noticed some dirt on his pants. The Rock grumbled as he scraped the mud off with a fallen leaf. "There goes the Rock's new $700 leather pants. The Rock knew this shortcut was a bad idea but that Olympic moron and those two Valley girls had to insist going this way," he looked up. "Where in the blue hell is Kirk anyway?"
As if on cue a splash was heard, followed by a loud, frightened yell. Rock, being bored and having nothing better to do, got up and headed over to where the sound came from. He eventually came upon Kurt bobbing up and down in the sullen creek that he had gone to. Kurt spotted Rock immediately. "Rocky, help! I can't swim!"
"You can't swim? What the hell kind of idiot are you?" Rock bellowed after him, making no move to actually help his unwanted companion.
"We're Hobbits! We sink like a stone in water, remember?"
"Then how come you're still afloat?"
"Does it matter?" Kurt shrieked frantically. "Get me out!"
Not impressed with being given an order, Rock raised an eyebrow. "Give the Rock one good reason why he should save your candy ass."
Kurt gasped and pointed to his breast pocket. "I have the Ring!"
The Rock thought about it and groaned. He had to admit, that was a good enough reason. He didn't relish going to Bree and having Foley find out that he had let the moron drown, not while he had that Ring, at least. Rock doubled back to quickly take the rope from his pack and then hurried over to throw one end into the creek. Kurt caught it and the Rock began tugging him back to land.
"Jesus Christ, Kirk, you ought to think of easing up on the milkshakes from now on," Rock muttered as he gave the rope another yank.
Kurt was too busy trying to get onto the bank to hear that insult. "Would you believe, Rocky, the beastly tree threw me in!" he accused once he caught his breath, glaring at a tree near the edge.
"You think the Rock gives a shit?" Rock snapped, recoiling the rope and tucking it away into his pack again. " When did you start to use words like 'beastly' anyway? You took that line directly out of the book, didn't you?"
"No I didn't, Rocky!" Kurt defended.
"Yeah right," Rock snorted. "We're pushing it with the copyright infringement already so watch your mouth. And the Rock told you to stop calling him Rocky!"
"Where are Edge and Christian?" Kurt asked, ignoring his last statement.
"Probably still asleep or up bitching about their hair again," Rock answered, beginning to coil the rope back up. "God knows they do it often enough."
Kurt shrugged and began to head over to where they had stopped to eat and rest. He came to the clearing and found their ponies, their belongings, the old willow tree and the lower half of Christian's torso wriggling out of is base. The roots and trunk had engulfed his upper half, seemingly. Edge couldn't be seen. Kurt gave a yell every single wild animal in the forest must have heard. "Rocky, come quick! The tree's eating Edge and Christian!"
"Tell it that it might get indigestion," was Rock's indifferent answer.
"Rocky!"
"Or that it might choke and die on a strand of their blonde hair."
"Rock, I'm serious!"
Rock finally came up and stared at Christian's wriggling legs. By this time they could hear muffled yells from the brothers, signaling that they were at least still alive. "Oh," Rock said dryly, still apathetic. "So what do you expect the Rock to do? He's already saved you today. The Rock doubts those two have a good enough reason to merit the same."
"They're our friends!" Kurt pleaded.
The Rock simply raised his eyebrow at him.
Kurt groaned, then brightened up as an idea struck him. "I'll set fire to the stupid tree! Yeah, that's it! I'm using one of my three I's; Intelligence!" and with that he scrambled over to where their packs were, while Rock sat down and crossed his arms behind his head, looking in amusement at Kurt through $300 sunglasses.
Kurt found the matches and ran eagerly over to the tree. By this time Christian wasn't kicking half as much anymore, and he was afraid that they were suffocating. Before he could light a match, though, he heard Christian's muffled voice coming from inside the tree. "Kurt, don't do it, dude!"
"Why not?" Kurt asked, astonished.
"You'll burn our hair along with it!" Christian replied in near hysterics.
"And being bald would totally reek of stinktitude!" Edge followed up.
"That is true," Kurt said thoughtfully, unaware that he would be in that exact predicament soon enough (foreshadowing much?). The Rock roll his eyes behind his sunglasses. At that moment Kurt let out a wail and started sobbing like a child who had lost his dog. "Oh no, what do I do now? Somebody help!"
It was at that moment that Rock and Kurt heard a voice, half-singing, half-chanting absolute nonsense. "Hey dol! Merry a dol! Ring a Dong Dillo! Doggies eat applesauce to save the ozone layer! You're welcome!"
"Once again, lines right out of the book!" Rock growled.
Kurt stood up and looked down the clearing. Presently a man with slightly orange-colored skin dotted with tattoos came trudging along. He had the worst fashion sense anybody held, outdoing even Kurt's goofy attire with his blue coat, yellow boots and magenta tights. He came to a stop in front of them and gave them a deranged grin. "Hello! What are you doing here?"
"We, uh, got lost taking a short cut," Kurt said.
"Correction, some idiot got us lost," Rock muttered.
"And now this tree is eating our friends!" Kurt wailed to the stranger, pointing to Edge and Christian. "Can you help us?"
The weird guy studied the situation for a moment and then went up to the tree and knocked pleasantly at it. "Old Man Willow! It's Perry Saturn! Let these two go right now!"
The wind blew, making the tree's leaves shake an obstinate no.
"Well then, you give me no choice!" Saturn drew back a few paces, measured the tree up, then to Kurt's and Rock's surprise, ran forward and hurtled himself at it like a javelin, almost impaling his bald head on the tree trunk. He bounced off it like a rubber ball and landed in a sitting position on the ground. "Yahtzee!" he called out, his eyes looking unfocused.
The tree gave a groan and promptly released its hold on Edge and Christian. The blonde brothers scrambled out and gasped for air. "We're free, we're free!" Christian said, almost delirious with happiness.
"Unfortunately," Rock said, still having moved from his spot.
Perry Saturn stood up and swaggered, seeing stars. "Lake-town people fight dragons so they don't get all fiery. You're welcome!" then he shook his head and seemed to regain some sense. "Sorry about that, I get a little light-headed after a run in with Old Man Willow. Literally."
"Um, okay," Kurt said. "Hey, thanks."
"No problem," Saturn said. "Now, I don't get many travelers in my woods. How about you come over and have a good meal and rest at my house? I know my wife would welcome you over."
"Why not?" Kurt said, anxious for a meal. Once again, the Hobbit stomach was talking. "What do you say, guys?"
The Rock actually didn't mind; at least he would sleep on a bed that night and not the freakin' forest floor with homicidal trees around him. "The Rock has no problem with that," he said. Edge and Christian also nodded an affirmative, both looking pale and anxiously fingering their hair and skin. No doubt they wanted to hole up in a bathroom, fast.
"Come along then! Hey Dol! Merry a Dol! You're welcome!" Perry Saturn started off in the direction he had been heading to, motioning the others after him.
The four Hobbits, with a few weird looks about them, grabbed their ponies' bridles and followed him into the forest.
»»»
"Honey! I'm home!" Perry called out the moment he and the others stepped into his bungalow.
Kurt, Rock and Edge and Christian were ushered into the kitchen and there they caught a first glimpse of Perry Saturn's wife. Kurt became tongue-tied. Rock raised an eyebrow. Edge and Christian blinked in astonishment. It wasn't that Saturn's wife was a picturesque beauty, it was, well… it was just that his wife was a household cleaning tool.
"Moppy! I came back with some travelers, I knew you wouldn't mind!" Perry said, giving his 'wife' a hug.
"His wife's a freakin' mop," Edge whispered to Kurt. "Man, he must've hit his head one too many times on Old Man Willow."
"Either that or he must be really starved for company out here all alone," Kurt said, not without pity.
"I knew it, we came home with a psycho! Now he's going to cut us up in the bathtub and eat our uteruses!" Christian wailed hysterically, but fortunately out of Saturn's hearing range.
"We're men, we don't have uteruses, you moron!" Rock told him. "Unless of course you're not entirely a man… which would explain a lot."
"Hey!" Christian protested.
"Should we tell him his wife's a mop?" Edge wondered.
Kurt shook his head. "He did save you guys, we might as well try to be polite."
"The Rock is not having a conversation with a mop," Rock declared.
"Well, sit down! Sit down! Moppy has had dinner ready for nearly an hour now," Saturn said, gesturing to the table, which was laden with a variety of different foods. How exactly it came to get there with only a mop in the house the four of them didn't know.
"Maybe it's a super mop or something," Christian mused.
"Maybe you're a super-dork," Edge said.
"The Rock would leave that title to Kurt," Rock said.
Dinner went by as smoothly as possible; for the most part Perry was the one who was talking, asking them questions with weird non-logical sentences in the middle, to which they gave vague answers, not wanting to tell him everything. Every now and then he would address his 'wife', which he obviously held a lot of respect for. Rock, Angle and Edge and Christian tried to minimize giving each other weird looks all throughout, but only Kurt deigned to address one or two words in Moppy's direction.
"Well, Moppy and I usually take a stroll at night," Perry said when dinner was over and everything was washed up and put away. "You're welcome to go to bed or stay up and relax around the fire. But don't go out, whatever you do! The trees here aren't too keen on visitors."
"You don't have to tell us that," Kurt said, and Edge and Christian shuddered.
"Come on, dear, let's go," Perry threw his coat back on, took his wife by the hand, er, handle, and exited the door.
The four watched them go then and turned to each other. The Rock had an eyebrow raised. "That was the weirdest dinner the Rock ever had," he declared. "Now if you excuse the Great One he's going to get some sleep and hopefully dream of a place far away from the three of you," he went out of the room and headed for the guest place that Saturn had fixed up for them. The other three shrugged and soon followed him.
The night passed without incident, if you could count out Kurt's hideous snoring, which kept Rock, Edge and Christian awake the entire night.
»»»
"Good morning!" Perry greeted.
Edge, Christian and the Rock shuffled in, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. Kurt was the only one who burst in with a fresh grin on his face. "Good morning!" he said to Saturn. "I slept great last night, this place is really restful. Don't you agree, guys?"
His three companions merely glared at him murderously.
They had a quick breakfast, which Perry had once again insisted that Moppy had made especially for them. Deciding that it was best not to argue, they allowed Kurt to thank the mop and stood up, gathering their things. Perry walked them on the way out.
"Stay on the dirt path," Saturn advised. "You stray off it and who knows where you'll end."
"Right, we'll keep that in mind," Kurt said. "Thanks for helping us out, Perry, and tell your wife that we appreciate her wonderful hospitality."
Perry beamed. "She'd be happy to hear that."
Again Rock, Edge and Christian traded weird looks.
Perry tossed them a large paper bag. "Oh, Moppy packed you some things for the road too," he said. Then he waved. "Good luck! And remember, monkeys learn sign language so they can tell dolphins they love them. You're welcome!"
"Right…" Kurt said, as he and the others set off. He waved and pretty soon Perry Saturn's house had vanished in the distance.
"You know, he was nice for a psycho," Christian said fairly.
"He did save us," Edge said with a nod.
"Of course he considers a mop to be the love of his sorry ass life," Rock pointed out.
"I think it's sweet how they stay together and keep each other company like that," Kurt commented. "Wish I could find someone to be that loyal to me."
Rock groaned while Edge and Christian gave him the weird looks that they had been shooting around Perry Saturn.
Kurt was in a better mood for the rest of the journey, meaning he annoyed the hell out of all three of his traveling companions, Rock being the most. When the Brahma Bull felt like he could take no more and would strangle the life out of the Olympic Hobbit if he had to listen to another boring song, story or poem, dusk came and they began to close the final mile to Bree.
cont'd