Chapter 05: The Prancing WHAT? Hunter Appears
It was dark when the unlikely foursome reached the wooden West-gate of the town of Bree. It was also unfortunately pouring, as it had been for almost an hour now. The Hobbits got off their ponies and approached the door, wet, shivering, but somehow refraining from complaining to each other as of the moment. Rock rapped sharply on the gate.
There was a scuffle inside and a peephole opened way above their heads. It sucked to be small. "What is it?" a voice asked, followed by a groan of frustration. "Goddamnit! There's no one out here! Must be those stupid barrow-wights playing ding-dong ditch again! If I ever get my hands on one of those blasted things…"
"Down here, ass-wipe!" Rock yelled out impatiently, banging on the door again.
Another curse came from inside. The peephole above closed and a moment later a lower one was opened at Hobbit eye-level. A scraggly old fart peered out at them. "Well, so there was someone here!" he said in astonishment. "Would you look at that? Hobbits! And four of them at once!"
"Yeah, yeah, we can count, grandpa," Rock snapped at him. "Now open the goddamn door! The Rock is getting his $1700 outfit wet, and that doesn't include the leather belt!"
"Listen to him and open the door, old man! I just blow-dried my hair and now it's getting all limp and damp!" Christian complained.
"What's your purpose in Bree?" the old man asked suspiciously.Sure you wouldn't think four figures barely coming up to his waist would be a problem, but you could never be quite sure these days.
"We're going to the inn!" Kurt replied, getting worried after he saw lightning flash in the distance. Like spiders, confrontations, alluring women and black riders, thunderstorms scared him.
"What for?" the obstinate, aging watchman asked.
"To take shelter, what the hell else for?" Edge exploded. "What, do we look like we actually like standing out here in the rain? We're not looking for trouble, we're looking for some place WARM and DRY! Let us in and mind your own business, making us stand out here like this is heinous!"
"Geez, what's gotten up your shorts?" the old man wheezed, opening the gate. "Fine, fine, you can come in."
"About damn time," Rock grumbled, shuffling ahead the rest of the pack.
Once the door was opened the Hobbits scuttled in, leading their ponies after them. They started making their way down the main road, ignoring the stares of passersby and glares of some sour-faced old people and early drunkards.
Christian sneezed then turned to Kurt. "So what inn did Mick say to wait for him at?" he asked, his voice sounding stuffy.
Kurt frowned and tried hard to remember. "It was called The Prancing something… The Prancing Coyote, I think."
"Coyotes don't prance, jabroni," Rock said from in front of him.
"They don't? Well then it's probably The Prancing Gazelle."
"That's wrong too, stupid."
"Now I'm sure gazelles prance."
"It's The Prancing Pony, moron!" Rock finally yelled in exasperation, turning abruptly around and nearly scaring his pony off.
Kurt thought about that for a while. "Nope, I'm pretty certain that Foley said that it was The Prancing Gazelle."
In a fit of acute frustration the Rock lunged for him, but was deftly held back by Edge. Meanwhile, Christian tugged on Kurt's sleeve and pointed dryly to the sign hanging on the top of the inn door, where they had finally arrived. It said, 'The Prancing Pony.'
"Great, now where's the Gazelle?" Kurt asked, looking around.
Edge and Christian groaned simultaneously, and then pulled their homicidal companion and the dim-witted Ring guy into the inn and out of the rain, after leaving their ponies to a couple of stable hands.
Inside the busy inn, the Rock shook himself from Edge's grip and walked up to the counter. He rang the bell sharply, clearly still irate. A moment later the innkeeper wobbled over, partly from exhaustion and partly from his immense bulk. Rikishi wiped his hands on the huge apron around his waist. "What's up, little brothas?" he asked, peering over the counter at them. "What can I do for you?"
"We want to check in," Kurt said. He seemed to finally accept that this was the right place.
"Of course!" Rikishi said brightly. "It's a busy night, but I have little Hobbit-sized rooms on the ground floor, all vacant for tonight…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa…" Rock said, butting in and holding a hand up. "Are you trying to insult the Rock? Now the Rock comes in here with…" he cut himself off and looked at his companions. Edge and Christian flashed him identical peace signs once again and Kurt grinned and waved at him, "… a couple of blockheads he unfortunately knows, all tired and hungry, and you offer the Rock 'a little Hobbit room?' The Rock won't settle for that! The Rock demands that one of your best suites be laid out for him tonight!"
"We'll take one of the little Hobbit rooms," Edge quickly interjected before Rock could say anything more.
Rikishi nodded. "I'll have it fixed up in no time. You guys can go to the Common Room in the meantime for some drink and dinner while waiting."
"We'll do that," Christian said as Edge dragged a protesting Rock away.
"Hey Rikishi, has Foley gotten here yet?" Kurt asked.
"Foley?" Rikishi rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, right, you mean the weird guy with the big pointy hat, a sock puppet and who keeps on promoting his latest books with cheap pops? Haven't seen him around here for months."
Kurt frowned. "I knew he said the Gazelle," he muttered absently, following Christian into the Common Room.
In the crowded and noisy area that was the Common Room, they found a table and sat down, Edge having much difficulty shoving Rock into a seat. Actually, even among the different people gathered in the place, they stuck out a mile. For one thing they were the only Hobbits there, and standing at only three and a half feet made you quite conspicuous. To one wall a bunch of big people were conversing loudly. In a corner near them two equally large guys were seated at a table drinking beer, playing cards and smoking great, big cigars. And in the opposite corner a hooded figure sat by a window, smoking a pipe. The only features visible of his face in the dim light were his left eye and an uncommonly large nose.
Kurt stopped Rikishi as he passed by. "Who's that guy?" he asked nervously, pointing to the figure in the corner.
"Him? One of the wandering Rangers we get a lot here," Rikishi replied. "Pretty dangerous guy; actually once managed to get me to run over a drunken Elven-lord," Rikishi shook his head, as if trying to get the memory out. "I don't know what he's called outside of Bree, but around here he's known as Hunter. If you ask me, little dude, I'd keep away from that guy!" he was called to another table, excused himself and left.
"Hunter, huh?" Kurt mused.
At that moment Edge enthusiastically came back with a mug of beer seemingly the length of his arm. Christian reacted immediately. "Whoa, what's that?"
"This," Edge answered, "is a pint."
"Lines out of the movie," Rock muttered.
"It comes in pints?" Christian exclaimed, drawing another groan from Rock. "Wholly shit, I'm there!" and with that he jumped to his feet and headed over to the counter.
"Christian, you've already had half a mug!" Kurt called feebly. "Rocky, do something!" he begged. The Rock ignored him, still sore over Kurt's stupidity and their less than grandiose room. Kurt sighed, gave up and went back to sipping his milk. And he wondered why he always seemed to end up being the designated driver.
"Oh, you're looking for an Angle?" Christian's voice suddenly drifted back to them. They looked up to see him with a couple of large guys, pointing merrily in their direction. "I came with one! There he is, Kurt Angle over there!"
"That dumbass," Rock growled.
"What? He's just introducing me to some guys, no big deal," Kurt said, inanely waving back.
Edge and Rock gave him dry looks. "I think what the Rock means is that he's giving you away for the rest of the world to see. And that could get along really fast to the dude in black we saw two days ago," Edge said.
"Oh," Kurt said.
"So go up there and stop him!" Edge said.
"Why me?" Kurt asked.
"Because pint-boy over here is near to getting himself wasted and the Rock doesn't feel like getting up," Rock said, staring lethargically at one corner.
With a sigh Kurt got up and moved towards Christian. He didn't notice the banana peel on the floor until it was too late. Stepping on it, he slid across the room yelling like an idiot and promptly crashed into the counter. Something bright and shiny flew out of his breast pocket.
"Hey Kurt," Christian bent down to help him sit up, snapping his fingers in front of his face, "are you okay?"
"I think so…" Kurt mumbled rubbing his head.
"Hey Mr. Kurt Angle," Spike, one of the stable hands outside who had come in, called. He bent over and picked something up. "You seem to have dropped your Ring." Note capitalization.
"He's got the Ring!" Rock yelled.
All at once all four of the Hobbits had jumped the unfortunate runt of the Dudley litter, Edge moving tipsily. The bizarre fight of miniature proportions quickly escalated, and Rikishi nodded at the two big men in the corner playing cards. They got up and began to separate the four of them from Spike.
"All right, that's enough," Faarooq ordered sharply. He yanked Spike and Rock up by the backs of their collars
"You heard the man, boys, break it up!" Bradshaw yelled, similarly holding Edge and Christian.
Through all the mess Kurt had somehow gotten the Ring back. He crawled away, slipping it back into his breast pocket triumphantly.
He wasn't grinning for long because at that moment two rough hands pulled him to his feet. "You draw too much attention to yourself, stupid," a harsh voice said, dragging him up the stairs despite squeaks of protest.
"The Rock orders you to let him go!" Rock snapped at Faarooq, disentangling himself from the bigger man's grip.
"Now don't you boys cause anymore trouble," Faarooq warned him.
Edge and Christian nodded meekly while Rock simply raised his eyebrow yet again. Then Edge looked around. "Hey, where's Kurt?"
»»»
"What the crap do you want from me?" Kurt squealed as the figure that had been identified as Hunter booted him into a room and closed the door.
"Do you have a death wish?" Hunter snarled. "There have been rumors about a reward for the capture of a certain Kurt Angle all day and you go around prancing like you're at a carnival!"
"Hey, what's it to you?"
"Don't give me that attitude! I've been looking for you for close to a week," he didn't add that he got lost along the way too. "Now shut up before you bring anyone in here, you dork! I'm here to help you!"
It was then that loud footsteps were heard coming up the stairs. Hunter turned and reached for his sword the moment that the door burst open and the Rock came in, followed by Edge and Christian. Unfortunately, their entrance was wrecked when Christian tripped on some uneven floor and sprawled into Edge, who in turn fell onto the Rock. They landed on the floor in a less than remarkable heap.
"Jesus Christ, you've been traveling with this bunch of klutzy idiots all the way?" Hunter remarked, relaxing his stance.
"Get OFF the Rock!" Rock roared out in anger. He shoved the brothers aside and went to stand in front of Triple H. "Now you can do anything you want to the dork but there's no way in hell the Rock is letting you get the Ring!"
"So much for friends," Kurt muttered.
"You and the Rock are not friends!" Rock yelled at him.
"That hurts, Rocky, that really hurts."
"On second thought, the Rock would happily even kill him for you himself!" Rock said, trying once again to lunge for Kurt but this time it was Hunter who pushed him back.
"In due time," Hunter said.
"Who are you and what do you want from us anyway?" Christian asked.
"Sit down," Hunter said. "It's late and you'll all soon be asleep anyway."
"No thanks, we have our own room," Edge said. "Besides, you only have two beds in here, and I'm not bunking with Christian again. He still has bladder problems even at this age."
"Hey, you promised to keep that a secret!" Christian accused.
"You won't be sleeping in your own room tonight," Hunter said, rolling his eyes. "After the commotion you all made in the Common Room no doubt the news would have traveled far and wide by now," he looked at them. "They'll be after you."
"Whoa, can we cut the mysterious, dark stranger attitude thing?" Christian said. "It may suit you, but it's creeping me out. Can you just tell us exactly what on Middle-earth is going on?"
Hunter sighed. It was going to be a long night.
»»»
Bree had become unusually quiet. The rain had stopped but the wind was still howling outside. It seemed that only the old guy at the gate was up, and he was near to dozing off himself. The sound of hoof beats roused him, though, and he stood up and looked out of the peephole. Dumb move. Nine Black Riders, who didn't have the courtesy to knock, ran right up to the gate and stomped it down, instantly squashing the old watchman. Ah, well, he wasn't the most pleasant of fellows anyway. He wasn't even given a name. He won't be missed.
The hooded riders ran down the main road, and every shutter closed as they came. Stopping in front of the Prancing Pony, they then kicked the door aside and went in. By this time the APA were dead drunk and had fallen asleep on their card table, while Spike had somehow stuck himself into a cupboard and Rikishi hid behind the counter not daring to breathe. At that moment, while pleading for his life, the innkeeper was cursing himself for paying the APA in beer.
The Nine Black Riders finally found a Hobbit room that seemed occupied. Like big bullies they closed in on the four tiny beds and began to hack and slash at it, tearing it apart. After a while they realized that they were stabbing at nothing but pillows. The Hobbits weren't there.
With shrieks that could outdo nails scraping on a chalkboard, they turned and mounted their horses again, riding out of the inn, out of Bree and back into the darkness. So the menace passed.
Meanwhile, in Hunter's room on the second floor where they hadn't bothered to check for some reason, Kurt sat up with a jerk. He was the only one of the Hobbits who had been sleeping. Rock was in a corner glaring at Hunter through dark sunglasses. Hunter was looking out the window and not saying anything. Edge and Christian were huddled up together on another bed, shivering and whimpering uncontrollably, Edge apparently having forgotten his accusations of Christian's weak bladder.
"What was that?" Kurt demanded. "It woke me out of a good sleep!"
"That would have been your end if you had chosen to go back down to your little Hobbit room," Hunter told him.
"Again with the riddles!" Kurt said in exasperation. "Will you just explain everything in straightforward English?"
"All right," Hunter growled. He turned to face the four of them. "Those were servants of the Undertaker, the Ringwraiths or the Nine Black Riders."
"Wholly shit, there's more than one of them?" Edge exclaimed.
"They used to be great kings once," Hunter said, ignoring Edge for the minute. "Until they took Rings from the Dark Lord himself. Now they're mindless ghosts bound forever to do his bidding."
"So let me get this straight," Kurt said. "Nine dead guys on large black horses are following me under orders from the Undertaker? What the hell for?"
Hunter, Rock and Edge and Christian gave him dry looks. "Because of the Ring, moron!" Hunter yelled at him. "The Ring! The one you have in you pocket! Remember the bright shiny thing? Am I getting through to you yet?"
"Oh…" Kurt said.
Hunter groaned and shook his head. "Why it had to fall into the hands of some half-wit halfling I don't know," He mumbled to himself. Then he spoke to said half-wit "Now Kurt, the Ringwraiths are drawn to the power of that Ring, remember that. They want to find it, and the Ring wants to be found. It wants to return to its Master."
"How can it 'want' to do anything? It's an inanimate object!" Kurt cried.
"Just trust me on this one!" Hunter snapped.
"If the Rock may ask one question," Rock suddenly said. "Why didn't those Black Idiots search the entire inn instead of massacring the beds of only one room?"
Hunter shrugged. "They were great kings, as I said. Fortunately as dead beings they're idiots. I supposed they're only programmed to do one thing at a time," he closed the window. "They won't be back for tonight. Now get some sleep. We're leaving in the morning."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait just one minute," Rock said, standing up. "it was bad enough that the Rock had to put up with a crybaby and two blonde airheads but then you suddenly say you're coming along? The Rock isn't down with that!"
"You don't have to be," Hunter said. "Think about it, if you were ambushed by those Ringwraiths, would you really want to be left alone with just these three other morons?"
Rock thought about it, recalling Kurt's cowardice, Edge's inanity and Christian's tendency to scream like a girl. "You have a point," he said finally.
And so the night passed in Bree, and in the morning the Hobbits set off again, after paying a huge sum for the damages made to the inn, which nearly made Kurt's eyes fall out of their sockets (all this despite Edge and Christian pretending they had no idea how that had happened to their rented room). Another day on the road was ahead, but fortunately this time they had Hunter. Whether he was actually useful the Hobbits soon found out.