Chapter 06: Foley VS. The EVIL! (Round 1)
But for the moment we must leave the Hobbits and their grouchy new companion to get on each other's nerves in order to check on what happened to Foley.
Now the wizard wasn't exactly the most punctual person on Middle-Fed-Earth, but when he said that he would be someplace, he would get there sometime near the appointed schedule, come hell or high water. At that occasion at the Prancing Pony, however, he had been rather delayed.
When he left Kurt and the Rock he had taken his trusty and super-fast steed Test (which he had actually stolen from the King of Rohan, but that's going too far in story already) and ridden to Isengard. There he had made his way to the Orthanc to greet the wisest of his order.
"Welcome, Mick Foley," a bad, booming voiceover said from somewhere in the general heavens as he dismounted his horse in front of the Orthanc. "We have been expecting you."
"Indeed!" an equally bad voiceover agreed inanely.
Foley looked up to see two guys in long white robes coming down the stairs. They were both almost an entire foot shorter than he was and were giving him really goofy smiles, as bad as Kurt's, or worse even. What they lost in height they made up for… well, Mick exactly wasn't sure what they excelled in to get their position, but the saying 'Two heads are better than one' sprang to mind. Usually.
"Kaientai," he greeted. "It's good to see you again."
"And we find it good to see you too," TAKA said, his lips not synching with the voiceover. "Come inside, we know that there is much you want to know."
"And they're supposed to be the wisest…" Foley muttered to himself as he followed them up the long flight of stairs, Funaki tripping on his long robe every now and then.
"The Dark Lord Undertaker has risen," TAKA said as they made their way into the Orthanc.
"That I knew," Foley said as they climbed a long set of stairs.
"Indeed?" Funaki asked.
Foley nodded. "He's looking for his damn Ring again. He wants it back."
"And that we knew," TAKA told him, looking pleased that they knew something Foley knew and he didn't know they knew. "And we are not sure but we think that he is getting closer to achieve his goal."
"Not while I'm still standing!" Foley declared. "The Ring is safe."
"Oh?" TAKA said. By this time they had entered Kaientai's study, littered with books that covered the desk, parts of the floor and filled huge and tall bookshelves. Seemingly unread books; all of the pages were still straight, clean and white. Foley had noticed this long before but hadn't said anything.
TAKA and Funaki each took a seat. "Tell us how you know the Ring is safe," TAKA implored.
"Oh I know," Foley said, satisfied that he knew something that Kaientai apparently didn't know and wanted to know. "It's in the safekeeping of one of my friend's nephews. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer but he's got a capable friend looking after him," he said, hoping that the Rock hadn't strangled the life out of Kurt yet.
Kaientai's eyes gleamed. "And how did the One Ring come to be in his hands?" TAKA asked.
"Long complicated history," Foley said, waving it off as he didn't feel like telling it all over again. "Also boring. I doubt you would be interested to hear it. What's important is that the Ring is found, is safe and hopefully is one its way to Bree and eventually Rivendell."
"But Undertaker is not an easy foe to hide from," TAKA said, stroking a non-existent beard.
Foley nodded in agreement. "I can't argue with you on that one, TAKA. But hey, he's not omniscient or anything; he can't be everywhere at one time. Besides, he's in Mordor without a body. How threatening can that be?"
"No, I suppose not" TAKA said. "But how are you so sure that he does not see past the boundaries of Mordor?"
Foley looked at him. "I beg your pardon?"
"We have seen the Eye," TAKA said mysteriously. "A great and commanding lidless eye, glaring down at whosoever would dare to show themselves before him."
"You saw the freakin' Eye?" Foley exclaimed. "How in the hell did you manage to do that?"
"Come with us," TAKA and Funaki rose and exited the room. Eventually they led Foley into another dark area with a large throne-like seat and a covered stand in the middle.
"You know, you really should get an interior decorator without such a moody fetish," Foley said, looking around at the gloomy designs on the walls.
Kaientai ignored his statement and went over to the stand. There Funaki took hold of the cover and swept it away as dramatically as he could, only to let the round object underneath nearly fall and roll away. TAKA yelled an expletive in Japanese, which was promptly bleeped by the voiceover, and then he took the ball and put it back.
Foley gasped, then squinted an eye and looked closely at it. "Wait, I know I should know what this is…"
"It is a Palantir," TAKA said impatiently. "One of the last Seeing Stones."
"But they are not all accounted for!" Foley said dramatically, grabbing the cover from Funaki and draping it back. At once the image of a great red Eye flashed in his head. He gave a scream and backed up. "What was THAT? Get it away, get it away!"
"So now you have seen the great Eye for yourself," TAKA said contentedly.
"Dude, that was horrible!" Foley groaned. "Can't it get some eye drops or something? It was all red and glaring and…"
"That is beside the point!" TAKA said impatiently, crossing over and taking a seat on the throne while Funaki remained standing near the now covered Palantir. "The point is Undertaker has a way of seeing out of Mordor, and if your unfortunate friend's nephew puts on the Ring, he will become visible to the Dark Lord."
At that Foley slapped a palm to his head. "Motherfuck, I forgot to tell Kurt not to put the damn thing on! I knew something slipped my mind then!" he turned to the doors. "I have to go," he said, starting to walk out.
The doors immediately slammed shut. Foley frowned, then walked over to another set of doors. They abruptly closed too. So did the next set, but this time Foley could see some of Kaientai's hired help pushing it closed from outside. So much for cheap tricks.
"You would put your faith in a halfling? Do not be foolish, Mick Foley!" TAKA said, smirking.
"I know he's goofy and dorky and all, but he was the best I could find," Foley said with a shrug. "Now come on, let me out. What's gotten into you two?
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" TAKA roared out. "Has it not become apparent to you? We have become EVIL! We now serve Undertaker as his loyal subjects! And now we extend to you this invitation; join us and become EVIL as well! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Indeed!" Funaki followed up.
Foley frowned. "You're not evil, you just became more deranged than before! I used to think you two were eccentric, but now I realize that you're just psychos! I'm out of here!" he tried to blast the doors open with his stick, but at the moment Funaki raced up to him. Before he could attack Foley, though, the other wizard had pulled out a sock from his pants, slipped it on his arm and grabbed him by the mouth.
"Ah, you would dare use the Mandible Claw in the Orthanc against us, Mick Foley?" TAKA shouted, rising.
"Yeah, I dare!" Foley said, throwing Funaki to one side, only then realizing that he had latched himself onto Foley's stick and it flew with him. "Goddamnit!"
At this TAKA took his own magical stick, which was much bigger than him, and pointed it at Foley. Foley gave a yell as he dropped and began to spin around in a bizarre disco/break dancing fashion. "How do you like that?" he said gleefully.
"I'm getting sick!" Foley yelled to TAKA.
"Then you may have some air! To the top with you!" TAKA said, lifting his stick the same time Funaki lifted Foley's stick. Foley flew into the air, spinning like a top all the way, making him want to hurl. As he receded to the pinnacle, the last thing he heard was the maniacal laughter of both TAKA and Funaki in that bad voiceover.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We are EEEEVVIILLLLL!"
»»»
It was later that day when Foley woke up on the peak of the tower of Orthanc. Groaning and holding his head from acute nausea, he pulled himself over to the ledge and looked down. Immediately he wished that he hadn't. One look at the 500 ka-jillion foot drop made Foley nearly lurch forward, experiencing some really nasty vertigo.
He pulled himself back with a wheeze, but then crouched over and forced himself to look down again. Faintly he could see that on the ground about two billion orcs were busy running around and falling trees, making weapons and mixing up some Uruk-hai potions for Kaientai. He groaned again and went to lean on one of the points that jutted out over the floor. He still felt sick from all the spinning that happened earlier. Kaientait sure had some really weird but effective moves.
By and by he began to doze off. A moth came fluttering by minding its own business, and quicker than a hiccup Foley reached out and made a grab for it. Only he missed, and the moth kept flying. Letting out a curse, the wizard stumbled to his feet and chased after it, catching it not a moment too soon over the ledge. He sat back down and looked at the small winged creature, then he muttered something to it. Anybody watching would think he was saying a spell but what the moth heard was, "Tell someone to get me the fuck out of here!"
And with that Foley let the insect go, hoping that it wouldn't fly into the night, get attracted to a random light in the darkness, get too close and fizz into a burning nothingness. Then, because he had nothing else to do, he sat back down against the point and looked at the darkening sky.
He was tired, sore, hungry and angry, but at least he was alive, and that it couldn't get worse.
At that moment, it began to rain.
»»»
Foley must have stayed up there for days, doing nothing to pass his time but to throw spitballs at the orcs on the ground and laugh as they looked up and shook their fists in the air. He wondered where that stupid moth was.
It was that day when Kaientai themselves went up to visit him. How they got up there without the means of stairs Foley didn't know, but he was sure that it wasn't as an uncomfortable way as he had had.
"Well, Mick Foley," TAKA greeted. He was the only one who talked. Funaki seemed to be just an extension. "How were your days up here on the tower of Isengard? Were they restful?"
"The view sucks up here, you know that?" Foley said.
"Indeed!" Funaki said. TAKA immediately gave him a glare and Funaki recoiled with a sheepish grin.
"We have given you ample time to think about our offer in joining the great Dark Badass Undertaker in recovering his Ring and taking over Middle-earth," TAKA said pompously. "What is your decision?"
"So that was what this was all about? Well then you could have put me in a five-star hotel and saved your breath," Foley said. TAKA grinned. "My answer would still be to shove your offer up where the sun don't shine."
TAKA shook his head ruefully. "Well, you leave us no choice, Mick Foley. We did not want to do this, but since now we are evil, we will! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
"Please, will you stop?" Foley pleaded. "That laugh is reverberating in my eardrums!"
TAKA waved his stick again with a dumb grin. Foley stayed put. TAKA frowned and tried again. Still nothing. "It must be broken," he said. He threw it aside and grabbed Foley's stick from Funaki. "Never mind, I'll use this!"
Foley gasped as he whizzed across the pinnacle floor and was left miraculously hanging by his heels on the ledge. He screamed. "Aaaughh! No! Vertigo! Get me up, get me up!"
"And if I choose not to?" TAKA asked, swinging the stick nonchalantly.
"Hey, be careful with that!" Foley cried fearfully, knowing that his fate was hanging in the balance, no pun intended.
Finally TAKA lifted the stick again and Foley sprawled back to the middle of the floor, TAKA and Funaki on either side of him. TAKA looked down at him with a grin. "Now, say goodbye to the Middle-earth as you know it, Mick Foley, for we will finish you now, as we are EEVVILL!"
"Indeed!" Funaki agreed.
And TAKA lifted Foley's stick yet again. He probably shouldn't have, as at that moment a great Eagle swept down from the skies and hurtled itself at the two of them. Letting out a shriek and some incoherent Japanese mumbling that was lefto ut in the dub, Kaientai dove for cover. The Eagle swept back a second time, grabbing Foley's stick out of TAKA's hand. As it came back for a third time, Foley stood up and leapt off the tower.
"Shit!" the Eagle cried, flying as fast as he could and managing to catch the wizard on his back. "Citizen Foley, wassupwitdat? Did you have a death wish or something?"
"Sorry about that, Hurricane," Foley said, "but I got desperate to get away from those fools." He turned back to look at where Taka and Funaki were jumping up and down angrily on top of the tower.
"Then I suppose I don't blame you," The great Eagle Lord Hurricane said.
"What took you so long?" Foley asked as he settled himself on the Eagle's back.
"Don't blame me, that stupid moth suddenly flew to my place two days ago. I didn't know moth language and nearly killed it. Good thing one of my cousins staying with me did, and we managed to get your message," Hurricane told him. He gave a slight shrug. "It was merely a minor setback."
"Well, you did make it, and my thanks go to you."
"Don't mention it. Now sit back, relax, and let the Hurricane fly you out to Rivendell where a bunch of your Elven friends are waiting."
Foley sighed in relief and sat back. The entire trip went smoothly, as long as he didn't look down. Yup, no doubt about it if someone wanted to travel, flying was the best way to go.