Chapter 13: Of Beer and Cookies… and Posedowns
Kurt groaned. Nobody noticed.
It was close to dusk and they had been walking on continuously since leaving the Mines of Moria. Kurt had brought up the rear for the most part; the blow he had taken to the chest had turned into a massive pain on his left side that was near immobilizing his body. Once or twice he was tempted to whine out about it, but then decided against that. He kept on groaning and limping, though, hoping that somebody would catch a hint.
"Kirk, shut up," Jericho muttered.
Kurt kept quiet, but soon after let out another low groan.
"Damnit, Kurt, what in the blue hell is wrong with you?" Rock finally asked, turning around to look at the other Hobbit.
Kurt pointed wearily to the left side of his chest. "I can't breathe," he wheezed.
Rock blinked. "Why?"
"I got stabbed, remember?" Kurt snapped sullenly at him.
"Oh yeah," Rock said, not looking like he remembered at all, much less cared.
Kurt walked along a bit faster, catching up to Kane where he was finally in hearing distance of Hunter. "Can we stop for a while, please?" he begged. "If I walk any more I'll drop!"
"Fascinating," Hunter said in a deadpan manner and kept striding along.
What followed was a louder, more annoying bleating. "Hunter!"
Hunter sighed. There was the whine again. He stopped for a bit to look at Kurt. "Listen up, we're in the woods of Lothlórien," he said. "We might be safe here, but then again we may not be. I'm not about to take any chances."
Kurt was about to groan again but a glare from Jeff made him think twice about it. Hunter turned around and the company resumed walking.
Presently Kane spoke. "You better stick next to me," he told Kurt. "I heard a sorceress lives in these woods, an Elf-witch who lures people with cookies and they are never seen again."
"Cookies?" Edge asked doubtfully.
"Trust me," Kane said, his features utterly convincing even with the mask.
Edge and Christian looked at each other, and then shrugged.
Kurt kept walking, glancing here and there in case this deranged Elf-witch hauling a tray of creepy cookies would suddenly pop out from behind the trees. Suddenly he heard a voice in his head. "Kurt Angle…"
Surprised, the Hobbit stopped and looked at Edge. "Did you call me?"
"Huh?" Edge stared at him. "No."
Kurt decided to shrug it off and kept walking. Of course it wasn't long before he heard it again. "Kurt Angle of the Shire, bearer of the RING…"
"All right, I know one of you guys is teasing me again," Kurt said indignantly, looking among the others. "Jeff, is that you?"
Jeff Hardy turned to give him an inquiring look. "What're you talking about?" he asked in a puzzled voice.
"You kept calling my name," Kurt accused.
"Hell no!" Jeff answered him with a scowl. "Why would I call you?"
Kurt looked at his face and could tell from the irritation that he was being honest. He looked around at the others. Jericho and Rock both called him Kirk Angel, or some other degrading nickname, so they couldn't be the ones hissing at him. Kane had a trademarked muffled voice so it wasn't him either. Hunter hadn't even stopped and kept walking on. Then fear filled him when he thought of something and he gave a squeal that caused Hunter to grimace. "Oh my God, it's Foley! Foley's calling me from beyond the grave!"
Edge and Christian both squealed along with him, and even Jeff's eyes widened a bit. Hunter turned on hearing this, glowering back at all of them. "What the hell are you yelling about again? Foley is not calling you, dead or not! Now hurry up, it's getting dark!"
"It's Foley, I tell you, Foley! Who else could it be?" Kurt shrieked.
"I'm not Foley, you incompetent fool…!" the voice said in his head again. It was faint but now even Kurt could tell quite obviously female. Kurt gave another yelp and reeled back, only to nearly get poked in the ass by an arrow that was pointed straight at him. "What the…?".
"Hey, what's the big idea?" Jericho snapped, backing away from the tall, longhaired folk who had ambushed them. Elves, pointy ears and all. The fellowship was surrounded by them, all armed with bows and arrows trained on the eight mismatched travelers.
"The Dwarf breathed so loud we could have shot him in the dark," a new voice said, one who obviously did not get the memo on not quoting lines from either the book or the movie. Out from behind a tree stepped forth two tall, blonde figures, obviously the leaders of the other Elves.
"Wait, this guy's a Dwarf?" the other one of them asked, looking up at Kane. "Billy, you sure about this?"
"Do the other four look like Dwarves to you, Chuck?" Billy said. He held a list in his hands. "It says here that the Lord and Lady are expecting four Hobbits, those are the short guys, an Elf, which is obviously the cute one with a bow, two Men, those are the studs standing over there, a wizard and a Dwarf."
"Maybe he's the wizard," Chuck suggested.
"Do I look like a freakin' wizard to you?" Kane growled. "I'm the Dwarf, okay?"
"Wait, you've been expecting us?" Jericho asked.
"I figured as much," Hunter said with a sigh. He stepped forward, forced to humble himself, something he was never fond of. "Billy and Chuck of Lórien, we came here to ask for help."
"From us? Well how flattering," Billy said with a flirtatious grin. "But the Lady is waiting for all of you. We've been given orders to bring you before her at once."
"Too bad, we could have played around for a bit if not for that," Chuck said with a pout, making all eight shudder, except for Kurt who obviously didn't get it. Lucky him.
Hunter winced, then composed himself and continued. "Uh, actually, I was sort of hoping that you could sneak all eight of us through Lórien without letting the Lord and Lady know anything about it." he said.
Both Billy and Chuck laughed. "Cute," Chuck said, reaching over to pinch Hunter's cheek, much to his disgust. "But I'm afraid we can't do that. Whether you or I like it or not, the Lady knows everything that happens in these woods, damn her. If I let you guys pass it's going to be our asses on the line."
"Great," Rock grumbled.
"So get a move on, fellows," Billy said, slapping Jericho on the bottom.
The Man from Gondor gave a yelp and jumped, then turned and glared at Billy. "Hey, just keep your hands to yourself, you queer ass clown Elf!" he yelled, then quickly made his way up near the front to keep from getting close to the two head Elves.
"Ow, and watch the arrows too!" Jeff said, feeling a poke on his ass.
"How are you so sure that was an arrow?" Kane asked.
Jeff let this sink in for a moment, and then ran up screaming to join Jericho near the front. "I've been molested! Aaauugghh!" he then let out a stream of Elvish obscenities Hunter didn't care to translate. Kane snickered.
The fellowship, with their very much-unwanted escort of Elf-guards, made their way deeper into Lórien.
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After about an hour's walk later they entered the great city of Lórien. Elves were all over the place, looking down from the great boughs of the massive trees that composed their habitats. The fellowship was led to the biggest of these trees, and they made their way up to where it opened up on a giant flet.
A bunch of Elven maidens were waiting to one side, gossiping languidly, although they did stop when the company arrived. Two large but empty armchairs were in the middle, and the eight travelers were led to stand in front of them. Then Billy went up to inform one of the maidens that the Lady's expected visitors had come. The maiden nodded stood up, going off higher into the branches to call the Lady.
Hunter looked visibly uncomfortable standing in the grand, uh, tree of the Lord and Lady of Lórien. Jeff noticed it and looked at him. "What's up with you?" he asked. "You look like the kid who's stolen the cookie form the cookie jar."
"None of your business," Hunter growled unpleasantly at him.
"Will you guys shut up? The Lord and Lady are arriving," Chuck told them pointedly. Every single one of the eight tired and bedraggled travelers turned hostile glares towards him.
It was the Lady who appeared first. Like any normal Elf she had long, wavy golden hair and a smile came from her red lips. Her face showed signs of slight age, which was kind of weird, but her body showed none, especially her set of enhanced breasts. It seemed that every female on Middle-earth was getting them done nowadays.
"Welcome to Lórien," she greeted in a breathy drawl.
Actually, by this time all of the eight of the company were more or less mesmerized by her, seeing as she was the first woman they had seen since Stephanie at Rivendell. Or maybe it was the effect of the atmosphere; it had turned serenely tranquil all of a sudden. Either way, it didn't matter. To the side, Billy and Chuck rolled their eyes. "We are so much prettier than she is," Billy whispered to Chuck, who nodded in quick agreement.
The Lady heard it, though, and turned an angry at them, losing her peaceful air for a bit and making them back down. Then she turned back to the company with that same serene smile.
At that moment all the transcending peacefulness came to an abrupt end when the sound of shattering glass broke through it. A second later the Lord of Lórien appeared, strolling down the stairs the Lady had come from with an open beer can in one hand and an unopened beer can in the other. "Hey Debra, one of your maids knocked over one of the vases in the living area," he informed her.
Debra groaned. "Not again!"
The Lord turned to the eight. "Is this them?" he asked in a gruff voice. Then he took a gulp of his beer before addressing them, in effect spraying foam as he did. "I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin - WHAT? - and I'm the Lord of this blasted place," he introduced himself. "I understand you boys came from Rivendell?"
"Uh, that we did," Jeff answered.
Stone Cold looked them over, then frowned. "There are only eight of you guys. I thought there were nine. Funny, most of the time when I'm drunk things start multiplying instead of growing less. Unless of course you put a spell on my beer again, Debra," Stone Cold said, looking at his wife pointedly.
"I did not do anything to your beer," Debra hissed at him. "Now could you be a little more cordial? We have guests!" she turned and grabbed a platter one of her maidens had brought. "Cookie?" she offered, showing off a huge assortment of decorated cookies.
All of them looked hesitantly at the cookies, Kurt most of all. Only Jeff merrily plucked one happily and began munching on it. "Thanks," he said.
"Don't eat that, kid, it's poison," Stone Cold joked.
Debra immediately slapped him on the shoulder. "That's not funny!"
"Yeah, whatever," Stone Cold said, eyeing the contents of his beer can suspiciously, then looking back at the eight again. "Where's Foley? I wanted to talk to him. I heard that he was with you."
"Yeah, and that's why we were originally nine," Edge spoke up.
"What does that mean?" Stone Cold demanded.
"Foley has fallen into the Shadow." Debra answered for the eight of them. Christian wondered if it would have been prudent to remind her that reciting lines directly from the movie or book was a no-no when she continued to rip off more. "Your quest stands on the edge of a knife; stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all."
"What the hell does that mean, woman?" Stone Cold demanded. "What does that have to do with Foley biting the dust?" before Debra could reply, he turned back to the group once again. It was then that he caught sight of Hunter. A flash of incredulous anger came over his face and he stepped down and pushed himself past the others so that he was staring face to face with the Ranger. "I know you," he snarled at him.
Hunter said nothing, but everybody saw his jaw clench. All the others backed up.
"You had that fat loser of an innkeeper from Bree run me over a couple of years ago, didn't you? I'm right, aren't I? Answer me, son!" Stone Cold yelled, demanding an answer.
Kurt blinked. That actually sounded familiar to him.
"I told you, it was a mistake," Hunter growled lowly, both of them almost nose to nose. "I thought you were in the way of me getting to Stephanie. It turns out I needn't have bothered, you didn't fit in the equation at all."
"Kind of a little too late for that, isn't it?" Stone Cold snapped. "I nearly broke my fucking neck, and the worst part was that I had to go and get healed by that asshole Vince McMahon!"
Hunter remembered that. He had been there but didn't show himself. "So? What do you expect me to do about it?" he shot back.
"What? Don't I even get an apology?"
"Would you accept it anyway?"
"Good point." Stone Cold said, taking a thoughtful step backward. After a few more moments of tense silence, the Lord of Lórien finally turned and trudged back up to where his wife was standing. "I suppose what's done is done," he said. Then he turned back around. "All of you are welcome to stay the night, but once tomorrow comes I want all your asses out of here, is that understood?"
"Yes sir!" Kurt said.
"WHAT?"
"I said sir, yes sir!" Kurt answered.
Stone Cold took a long hard look at the midget in front of him. "Who's the dork?" he asked, squinting down at him.
Kurt bristled. "My name is Kurt Angle of the Shire."
"WHAT? Speak up, boy!"
"I said my name is Kurt Angle of the Shire, sir!"
"He's the Ringbearer, Steve," Debra said.
"WHAT?"
"The Ringbearer!" she repeated, looking annoyed. "I thought we went over this an hour ago?"
"That was before the beer." Stone Cold replied. He looked like he was about set to retreat back into his room or something, when he turned again and eyed Hunter. "Oh yeah, and I'll be watching you, you stupid sonofabitch," he growled at him.
Hunter sneered at him as he and the rest of the fellowship were escorted down the tree by Billy and Chuck yet again, Jericho and Jeff being careful not to get too close to the weird couple. In fact, Jeff grabbed a couple of more cookies from the tray, offering some to Kane who declined. Well, at least they had a place to stay for the night.
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Down on the ground, a pavilion had been put up for the eight of the company. Rock had already made himself comfortable on a cot and Kurt was seated outside, listening to the voices of the Elves in the trees.
He stopped Jeff as he passed by. "What're they saying?" he asked, gesturing to the trees.
Jeff looked pale, but stopped and listened. "It's a lament for Foley, I think," he said. "But I won't translate it yet, the loss being too recent and all." Actually, the Elves were singing about the legendary wrath of the Undertaker and what he would do to anyone who had his Ring. But telling Kurt that would obviously upset him and set him off squealing again. Jeff didn't want that to happen.
"Wait, where were you a couple of minutes ago?" Edge asked.
"None of your business." Jeff said, still slightly white. His coloring was actually no surprise; he had been absolutely puking his guts into a brook not five minutes ago. An after-effect of the cookies, one would suppose. At least he would think twice before brainlessly eating any of them again.
Kane suddenly looked up. "Oh great, here come Billy and Chuck again."
Jeff froze and immediately ducked behind Kurt as much as he could. A moment later Chuck and Billy strolled up to them with baskets in their hands. "Orders from the Lady," Chuck said with a grin. "We're here to bring you dinner."
"Uh, thanks," Kurt said, giving Jeff weird looks.
"Put it down and the Rock will help himself," Rock said from the cot, looking disinterestedly at the ceiling of the tent.
"Yeah, what he said," Jeff squeaked.
"Hey Jeff, why are you hanging around these guys?" Billy asked as they set the baskets down. "You're an Elf, you should be with us. Come with us, we'll be happy to show you around."
"Yeah, Jeff, go hang around with you fellow Elf-buddies," Jericho mocked from near a fountain.
"You're welcome to come too," Billy immediately offered.
Jeff and Jericho pondered the invitation for a grand total of one second before replying simultaneously. "I think I'll pass."
"I can't believe you two would want to stick around with these losers when we're here!" Chuck said.
"Yeah, I mean, look around!" Billy said. "Here's an overgrown Dwarf with a totally hideous mask, four short guys with big, ugly feet, and Hunter, who's not actually that bad-looking when you think about it…"
"Watch it," Hunter growled, looking up with a threatening frown.
The other five, however, didn't take the insults too well. Rock sprang up from his place and stomped over to the pair of blondes, glaring at them through his $300 sunglasses. "You dare call the Rock, the Great One, the People's Champ, a 'short guy with big, ugly, feet?' Now listen here, jabroni, the Rock has just come back from nearly freezing his ass on a mountain, nearly getting hacked up by three thousand orcs and running from an ancient fire-breathing demon! The Rock has come too far to take any of your bullshit! Now the Rock—"
"Yeah, sure, we get the point, short stuff," Billy said with a bored look.
Rock looked like he was about to blow his top when Edge and Christian pulled him back. "We'll take care of this," Edge said.
"Yeah," Christian said with a grin. They went up to look at Billy and Chuck. "So you guys think that you're so totally original, don't you?"
"Dude, that's a riot, seeing as you aren't even natural blondes," Edge said.
"What?" Chuck and Billy exclaimed. Then immediately cowered, remembering that only the Lord Stone Cold had claims to that word here.
"Please, that's an even more horrible dye job than I saw on this poor schmuck of a human called Michael Cole," Christian scoffed.
"Now us on the other hand, we're for real," Edge said, showing off his blinding smile of perfect, white, shiny teeth.
"Yeah, we're both so totally prettier than you two!" Christian declared.
Both Billy and Chuck were gaping at them, offended to the point of speechlessness.
"So hit the road, you chumpstains," Christian said.
"Oh, they did not just say that," Billy said.
Kurt looked at Jeff. "That doesn't sound like his catchphrase," he commented. Jeff shrugged.
"So you two dweebs think that you're hotter than us, huh?" Chuck said angrily.
"By far," Edge said flippantly.
"Well then we challenge you to a pose-down!" Billy suddenly said. "Whoever can out-pose the other wins and gets to declare themselves the prettiest in all of Middle-earth!"
"And to think I envisioned this as only something women would argue about," Jericho muttered.
"You're on!" Edge said, accepting. "But we get to pick the judges." Before Billy or Chuck could say anything, he had raced to where two Elven girls had been looking at them and pulled them over. "These two dudettes would be perfect!"
Billy shrugged. "Fine, have it your way. But either way, we're going to win!"
"You know, this I got to see," Kane said, seating himself on the ground to watch.
"The Rock's with you on that one," Rock said, taking a place beside him, grabbing a basket of the food on the way.
The pose-down was held right there in front of them on the grass. Billy and Chuck went first, going over to stand in front of the two Elven girls Edge had dragged into this psychotic challenge. Billy and Chuck proceeded to do a number of poses, first typical I-feel-like-I'm-a-hunk poses, but then it started moving on to slashy ones that involved close contact of a different nature. It got to the point that even Kane covered his eyes.
"Are they done?" Jeff asked, his hand over his face.
"I don't know, I'm not going to risk peeking!" Jericho said from where he had blocked out the sight with his huge shield.
"All right, beat that," Billy said, as he and Chuck backed away and let Edge and Christian take the floor.
"You know, in a way, we don't want to," Christian said, looking traumatized. "But heck, let's get this over with."
"So with the benefit of those with flash photography…" Edge said with a grin, and to everyone's surprise flashes came from the trees. Then both and Edge and Christian struck their classic five-second pose. After the five seconds were over, they started to mimic the other members of the fellowship; from a bad version of the Rock's eyebrow to Hunter's brooding demeanor to Jeff and Kane's bickering. By the time they had finished there was laughter coming from the trees and all the other four of the fellowship watching were utterly ticked off and were planning on getting the brothers killed the moment they encountered anymore orcs the next day.
"You expect that to beat us?" Chuck mocked.
Edge ignored him for the moment. He turned to address the girls seated in front of them. "So, ladies, who do you say won?" he asked, flashing them that brilliant smile of his.
The two Elven girls looked mischievously at each other before turning back to them. "They did!" the two over them declared simultaneously, pointing at a pair of blonde guys. A pair of blonde guys who did not take part in the pose-down.
Jeff and Jericho blinked, looking dumbly at them. "Us?" Jeff asked, pointing to himself and Jericho.
"THEM?" Edge, Christian, Billy and Chuck exclaimed incredulously.
"But we didn't even---"
Jericho was cut off halfway when one of the girls stood up and called to him. "Chris Jericho! Y2J! I'm your biggest fan! I mean it! I'd be happy to come along and carry the Horn of Gondor for you, or even that bizarre-looking shield of yours!" Fan Girl 1 pleaded.
Her companion stood up and waved delightedly at Jeff. "Jeff! Yoo-hoo! Over here, Hardy Boy! Take me along with you! I could be your arrow-bearer, and I swear that I'll be good!" Fan Girl 2 promised.
Jeff and Jericho looked at them, and then at each other. With quick nods of their heads thay swiveled around and tore off screaming into the woods of Lothlórien. With shrieks of delight the girls followed. And thus they ran off into the night, playing an absurd game of cat and mouse.
The others watched them go, speechless and more than a little disturbed. Presently Chuck turned to Billy. "So, who really won?" he asked.
"I don't know," Billy shrugged.
"But we are still so totally prettier than you guys," Edge cut in.
"Nuh-uh!" Chuck disagreed.
"Uh-huh!" Christian shot back.
Kane, Triple H and Rock groaned, and then headed off for bed, leaving the four of them to continue their bitch fight.
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Just a little note here: Fan Girls 1 and 2 were originally based on Pyper and a friend of hers respectively, but now they are happily dedicated to all the insane fan girls out there. Keep trying; they'll love you someday.