Chapter 19
I'd let my guard down.
I didn't think about the repercussions when I decided to go across the street and join the guys. I only asked 'cause I was amusing myself in the moment.
Amusing myself with Bella and making her uncomfortable so the soul-sucking loneliness I forced upon myself wouldn't finally kill me.
I never thought I'd actually stay.
Actually have a good time.
Actually forget about all that was going on and what was to come.
As easy as letting myself enjoy it all, it was just as easy to distance myself from the band again.
They expected nothing less from me, and even though I'm sure it wasn't a surprise I was an asshole the next morning, I knew it was a disappointment. I put in my earbuds and drank the whiskey in my coffee cup, debated lighting up then thought maybe I could at least do that one thing for them. Let them have a day of clean air since my presence alone made it noxious.
My eyes felt like someone had sprinkled sandpaper in them, shot lighter fluid, then struck a match.
Rubbing them, the ghostly image of Bella sitting next to me appeared.
I liked how nice it felt that she stayed right there even though I hadn't really been nice to her. I liked her pretty smile and how natural and good it felt when I smiled back. I liked how I wanted to try to talk to her like a normal person.
I replayed our brief conversation in my mind, hoped I wasn't a dick just one fucking time in my life and was relieved that I hadn't seemed to be.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw her throw her head back as she laughed at something Jasper said, long hair swaying and I was angry I hadn't made her laugh like that.
She might've seemed more comfortable around the guys, talking and laughing more than before since she'd now spent time with them, but I knew she wanted the same from me. I could feel her stares aimed at me like the expectant end of a knife piercing my alcohol-soaked head.
Big brown eyes full of questions. Longing. Confusion.
Lips still waiting, willing.
I might not have been a dick yesterday, but I knew I'd make up for it today.
Couldn't let my guard down again.