Chapter 20

"You wanna see something cool?" Emmett nudged me as I stood at the catering table.

"Always." I smiled while he grabbed some of the tots off my tray.

We found Carlisle and told him I was taking a short break. Edward was standing next to him, but I didn't hesitate to interrupt. Didn't say "excuse me" or "pardon".

Didn't even look at him.

We were on night two of this leg of the tour. Two nights of trying to ignore Edward, regardless of the pull he had on me. On the bus. In a parking lot. At the arena.

In my thoughts, in my dreams, in my bed. The almost-kiss, his smile, that one touch to my knee. All of it had been enough to keep me going even through his blatant disregard of me.

Under the open-sky arena, I followed Emmett onto the temporary floor covering the football field. Handfuls of people were scattered about, working on sound, lights, stages. Setting up their beer and hot dog stands. Last minute adjustments to tonight's sold out show.

Dusk was settling, and you could hear the crowds outside tailgating and getting revved up.

He led me to a giant stack of amps encased in an intricate scaffolding of lights. He started to climb and looked down when he saw I wasn't following.

"Don't tell me you're afraid of heights?"

"Okay. I'm not afraid of heights."

He climbed back down. "You go first, I'll be right behind you and tell you where to go. Don't worry, there's a platform about half way up. That's our destination."

I craned my neck to look. "Half way?! When I die, please tell Carlisle thank you for the opportunity." I hoisted myself up and followed Emmett's directions. Up one pole, over another, foot landing here, hand holding there, until finally I was on an eight by ten piece of platform.

I held on to the frame as Emmett made his way beside me. "Well? Cool, right?"

"Very cool."

The purple sky was just visible over the top of the stadium. The screens flashing ads around the top tier were bright around us and the stage from above looked like a roadmap with different colors, directions and giant X's marking different wires and parts of the stage the band should be aware of.

I watched the people below scurry around. "Tell me you're not up here the whole time?" How awesome it would be to watch the show from here.

To watch Edward far below me.

"Nah, this is just for rigging and breakdown. But I like to come up here when I can. It's kinda peaceful."

"It's definitely peaceful."

"That'll be me down there, one day," he said, and I told him I believed him.

Emmett pulled out his phone and we took a couple of pictures high up above the ground.

Right before Emmett started his descent so he could spot me as I followed, I saw Edward walk from the shadows stage left. He was alone, which was rare. Hands in his jeans pockets as he walked to the middle of the stage and looked around.

Emmett stopped to see what had distracted me. "You lookin' at Edward? Yeah, he does that before every show."

"He does? I've never seen that."

"You're always in the green room or running around."

"What do you think he's doing?" I asked.

"Watch."

I watched.

I watched Edward place his palms against his thighs, bow his head and then sink to his knees right there, center stage. He stayed like that for a few minutes before getting up and standing still once again.

"Praying?" I asked. "Doesn't seem… right."

"I don't think so. I heard one of the guys say that he goes out there, gives a nice 'fuck you' to his father."

"That's awful."

"That's Edward."

I thought about it as I was doing the green room ritual before the show. I knew from my extensive fan-hungry research that both of Edward's parents were dead. He didn't talk about it often, didn't really say how, but he never appeared to show much emotion towards them in any interviews.

To do this angry ritual every night towards a dead man? I shook my head, baffled by the idea. I loved my parents, missed them, actually. As hard as my father could be, I knew that I was always cared for immensely. To maybe not have had that made me very sad for him.

I looked at the warm-up guitar in the stand. He was the only one not here yet. Yorkie and Jasper were on the couches playing video games while Jake was listening to earbuds. I wanted to ask these guys if they knew about what he did before each show, but I was nowhere near close enough to any of them to get so personal.

Eventually he came in and sat down. Perched that destroyed sneaker on the table and picked up his guitar. His hair was covered in a black beanie and he hadn't shaved. My stomach flipped and soared when I saw him. His stunning looks shouldn't trip me up anymore now that I was around him more frequently, but there was no denying I was infinitely more attracted to him the more time I spent with him. The ache in my belly was so strong sometimes, I thought I'd die looking at his sheer beauty.

I was ashamed to admit that despite his venomous personality, it didn't make me want his attention any less.

I stood by the water bottle table, waiting for someone to ask me something or for Carlisle to give me another assignment. A few roadies strolled in and out, Leah made an appearance and left, the two remaining "girlfriends" texted on their phones in the corner. Rumor had it the other two got in a fight about Edward this morning, and he'd told them to vacate the bus immediately.

Edward strummed the nameless tune I'd heard him play before. The one he sing-songed baby baby baby to me that got me so mad. I was glad he'd forgotten about those lyrics.

If there were any real words to this new song, he didn't sing them. He was playing it more frequently though, and I was excited that maybe I was hearing what would be on a new album, maybe I was wrong about the whole thing. I knew the guys were getting antsy to record once the tour was wrapped, but they were all waiting on Edward, of course.

The brains of the operation.

Jasper and Jake had a few songs they had music co-writing credits for, but the lyrics were purely Edward.

"You alive over there, niece?" My head turned to him sharply as I snapped out of my daze.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked for water."

Trying not to fumble, I grabbed one off the table and approached him. I held it out, but he kept strumming, looking at his fingers.

"You were a million miles away." Strum. "What were you thinking about?"

God, what a question. What do you do every night on that stage before a show? What would it be like to have those fingers play me? Why did you tease me with your breath and lips? Why have you not looked at me, not once?

All correct answers. "Nothing in particular." Great, now he'll think I'm dim.

"Were you thinking about climbing the lighting scaffolds?"

My eyes bugged. "You saw that?"

"Or maybe you were thinking about your climbing companion. What's his name, again?"

I didn't know if this was going to get Emmett in trouble or not, but I know he knew. Knew he was toying with me. Fuck.

"Yes, he's part of the lighting crew."

"Do you like him?" His eyes finally zeroed in on me. It was the first time our eyes had met since the moment at the bar. The ache in my belly roared. His ability to stun me with one glance was insane.

What? Fuck, was he thinking of getting him in trouble for taking me up there? I didn't know if there were rules against that or not. "He works hard. He's really good at what he does."

"But do you like him?" Strum, stare.

"He's cool."

"I see. Do you like me?"

Holy Jesus. What the fuck. What in heaven's name? "I don't know." I don't know how to answer that without jumping in your lap. Do you like me, yes or no? Mark the box.

"You don't know if you like me? Surely, I'm not that bad a guy. I can be likable."

I had nothing to say. I wasn't sure I did like him. Beyond the stupid crush I had.

"Hmm." He strummed the guitar quickly, harshly. "I guess I'm going to have to make you like me, then."