Chapter 26

My leg covered his for the next hour of the game. My mind was spinning, cartwheeling, trying to comprehend the why of it until Jasper called it a night and everyone agreed.

Big day with the photoshoot for that magazine. Didn't want to look too hungover.

I stayed behind to clean up, waiting, hoping. Wanting more than anything to hear the click of his door opening and the slide of his bare feet slowly crossing the carpet as he came to me. I yearned for his tobacco whiskey chocolate scent that would wind around me as he got closer. Craved the feel of his stray hand as it landed on my shoulder, brushed my hair away. Desired the warmth of his lips as he whispered in my ear before kissing my neck.

None of these things happened, so I finished the clean up and went to bed.

The whiskey didn't help me sleep like it should've. I tossed, turned, churned in my little cramped bunk.

Hot and itchy under the blanket. My stomach knotted, aching.

I ran my hand down my bare leg, touched the soft skin behind my knee, still burning from the contact with Edward.

Not just any contact. Not a touch to my fingers as they laid on his guitar, not the feeling of his chest laying against my shoulder on a picnic table.

The purposeful draping of my knee across his leg.

A secret. Our secret.

He didn't touch me further than that, didn't stroke and play the way I was silently pleading with him to do as we sat there, sipping and playing cards like my world hadn't just fallen off its orbit.

My fingers tickled the inside of my knee as I thought about the way I wanted his fingers to trail under that table, and my hand worked its way slowly up the inside of my thigh.

They were his hands, his fingers behind my closed eyelids. I could practically feel the calluses on his talented fingers as I stroked myself, not twenty feet away from where he lay in his rock star bed.

I fantasized he was touching himself thinking of me.

I came quickly, but it did no good.

Rolling over, I sighed in frustration at the inability of my fantasy and body to quench the fire raging inside me.

I could tell Edward didn't want to be there. Wondered if it was because of what I thought I'd heard about the future of the band or from just being Edward.

He sat off to the side with earbuds in place and only joined everyone when he had to. Jasper had already yelled at him once. Get in the game, man. It's one fucking day. Get over yourself.

You aren't that great.

Edward had nothing to say to Jasper for that, and we all held our breath, waiting for the Dragon to rise up and burn us all to ashes. I think we were all shocked when he just took it. Sat down where it was requested of him, on the wood crate in the middle of the studio. Mouth shut.

I, however, was having a blast. I couldn't get over just how lucky I was to be there, to witness this moment and be a part of such a cool thing. I fetched all the water and ran around happily doing everything requested of me.

Despite the heaviness between Jasper and Edward, Yorkie and Jake were enthusiastic. Joking around like they always did, changing wardrobe with no complaints, mugging it up for the photographer. I focused on their energy, and tried to ignore Jasper and Edward's tense vibe.

But I couldn't stop myself from checking in on Edward with curious glances, making sure that he really was going to keep the peace instead of throwing a tantrum.

He didn't look at me, but I couldn't shake the idea that this was a new side of Edward I was discovering. To me, he didn't seem angry as much as he appeared resigned.

Almost like he was giving up. Didn't care enough to try or throw an Edward-sized fit.

Carlisle waved me over and let me view the monitor with him as the photographer took the pictures, and I marveled at how he seemed to capture a rawness, even after all their years of playing together. He didn't try to stylize them, fit them into a box of what a rock band should look like. Didn't force props or weird sets. Just captured them, gritty and real.

They still appeared to fit together like a unit, a family, even though I knew, we all knew and witnessed just moments ago, that they weren't.

There were many close-ups of Edward, of course. He had opted for the not shaved, not caring look that I loved so much. Barely washed hair squashed down by a hat and pulled up in disarray when he took it off.

Madness, chaos.

At one point, he gave me a little smile as he ran his hand through his hair and I swooned in happiness.

Charming, sexy.

My very favorite Edward.

Until he turned into the Dragon on the limo ride back to the bus.

I wasn't sure exactly what his problem was. He didn't yell at Jasper, or Carlisle, or anyone, really.

Just venom spewing out of his mouth about ridiculous things like the kind of water they had on hand. Why didn't anyone tell him it was a sandwich lunch, or why did it take so long to wrap up?

We all just sat there, listening or zoning out, silent. Let him go. Let him curse and yell until he was done and sat with his eyes closed, head back, earbuds in.

Carlisle rubbed his face and shrugged, but I could tell it was getting to him. All this stress. I was almost happy we were on break soon and he'd be off to New York, even if it was business.

Get away from this.

From him.

Not shockingly, Edward stormed into his room when we got back, and none of us jumped when the door slammed.

"Carlisle, I'm getting sick of his bullshit. That's the truth," Jake said, and I was surprised. Besides Jasper's outburst I hadn't really heard anyone complain about Edward when he wasn't standing right there and they said it to his face.

This was behind his back. It felt more serious than one of them mildly complaining he was a jerk.

Jake dropped heavily in his seat and slapped the table. "I'm tired of always having to worry about what kind of a fucking mood Edward is going to be in. We're always waiting on him. We haven't written anything in months. We have nothing new to record." He sneered. "I'm over putting up with it."

Carlisle snapped and pointed right at him. "You're over it? You don't want to put up with it? Careful what you wish for." He gave Jake a burning glare before turning to go to his bunk.

Jasper grabbed a beer and flipped the cap off as he dropped onto his bench. "Edward being a prick is nothing new," he said and took a slug.

"I'm just fucking sick of it," Jake said as I stood in the corner with my breath held, hands curled on my chest, afraid to move.

Jasper leveled Jake with a scowl and bite of his tongue. "We put up with it because Edward built this band. I built it with him. And we keep going until he or I decide it's over. You want out? Quit."

Jake blinked, slack jawed at Jasper. "Fuck you."

"No, fuck all of us right now. I don't know what Edward's problem is, but there is a problem. I'm taking that seriously. Problem with Edward is a problem with the band."

"I'm not going to be fucking forced out."

"Then I suggest you just shut the fuck up." Jasper slammed his bottle down on the table and retreated to the back.

It was all imploding, I'd never, ever seen one of the guys this angry and upset over Edward's mood. Maybe it was because things had been better with him lately, making this outburst that much worse. They'd relaxed around him, and to have this much dissent in one day… well, even I felt ill and disoriented.

I retreated to my own bunk, figuring Carlisle would know where to find me should he need me.

Kinda wished I was on bus three right about now.

I must've fallen asleep because next thing I knew, we were moving and my little bunk was decidedly darker behind the curtain. My ears perked up to listen to what might be happening outside my bubble, but I heard nothing. Not even the TV.

I poked my head out and looked at Edward's door first, even though I knew it would be closed. It always was whether he was in there or not, but I was still disappointed to see it shut tight. No light escaped the bottom of his door.

Turning the other way, the bus was dark except for one lone end of a cigarette, raising and lowering to the table.

It took me half a second to decide what to do.

I tried to be as quiet as I could crawling out of my bunk. The road under the tires was loud when there was no other sound on there. It masked the echo of my feet as they landed on the carpet.

Walking towards the silhouette of Edward, my heart pumped a mile a minute. This could go very, very badly.

But I had to know.

Had to know he was okay.

Intermittent streetlights on the highway dimly lit up the side of his face as I got closer. I stood behind him, unsure I should clear my throat or walk so I was in front of him.

Or crawl back to the safety of my bunk.

"Again, she stands there. Staring." He tapped the cigarette against the ashtray and it flared. Waiting.

I wanted to say I was sorry for bothering him. But I wasn't.

"Are you okay?" I asked instead, still standing behind him.

"Go to bed, Bella."

I moved to stand in front of him. My thigh pressed against the table. "No."

His head snapped to me. I could see his eyes were red and I waited for it. Waited for the fire to boil over and erupt.

"Just what the hell do you want from me?" Not what I was expecting.

"Nothing. I don't want anything."

"You want something, everyone wants something."

"I just want to know if you're okay."

He crushed his cigarette out. Lit another. Inhaled. Exhaled.

"No, I am not okay. But it's not your problem."

I sat down slowly. His eyes followed my movement, demons flying towards me. "If you just tell me, then it'll be my problem too and you won't feel so alone."

He laughed, bitter. "I'm never fucking alone."

"You're surrounded, that's different."

"And you, you're just another person to surround me. I don't need one more."

I tried not to recoil, hoping that my instincts were correct and his harshness was nothing but lashing out.

"You don't scare me, you know. If that's what you're trying to do."

He quirked a brow, eyes still blazing. "Trust me, if I wanted to scare you, I could."

I sat back on the bench, unafraid. His eyes narrowed.

He didn't say anything for a mile or two. Just inhaled and exhaled, tapped his cigarette against the ashtray.

"Are you sad the girls left?"

He looked at me sharply. "Why would I be?"

"You know…" I replied lamely. "Girlfriends."

"They weren't my girlfriends."

"That's not what they thought."

He shook his head, a grimace on his face. "You never met a girl who lied? Tried to make others jealous? I'm not that pathetic, trust me. I don't need anything they have to offer."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise, but I guess that could've been the case.

"I'm never fucking alone and yet…" he trailed off. I just sat there, letting him say what he wanted.

"Do you know why I started a band?"

Mentally I flipped through all my knowledge. I shook my head.

"Besides wanting to be rich, be famous, and nail any girl I wanted," he paused, "I really just wanted not be lonely anymore."

My breath hitched before I stopped breathing all together. I tried not to let my eyes bug out or mouth gape open at that statement, but it was hard. Lonely? Edward Cullen? Millions of people loved him. Worshiped him.

He said nothing else and we fell back into silence. At some point, he reached behind his bench, grabbed his bottle and the mug. Poured some. Slipped it across the table to me.

We passed it back and forth in the dark. My mind was racing, from his splayed truth to the fact that I was the one he decided to share it with.

I had the feeling it wasn't something he'd admitted, ever. Rock God Edward Cullen was lonely.

"If you ever mention this conversation, I will find you," he finally spoke.

"I would never betray you."

His eyes took on that weird, sad look. The one I'd come to understand was the real Edward.

"I wish I could say the same." He shook his head slightly while I stared at him, hurt for something that hadn't even happened.

Hurt by the fact that he didn't think he was incapable of doing so.

That moment, right there, I knew. Knew that even though he'd warned me, I'd give him the chance to end me.

I stood slightly and slid my body towards his side of the bench. He eyed me warily but moved over.

Cautiously, I slowly tilted my head so that my chin lay upon his shoulder and looked up at him. After a moment, he cleared his throat and took my knee, pulling my leg over his once again. He didn't look at me, didn't say a word as his hand rested on my thigh. Stayed put.

The wheels whirred under us, dim headlights flashed briefly through the windows, lighting us up then plunging us into darkness.

In that darkness, Edward's head turned towards me.

I swallowed.

"Baby baby baby," he sang in the dark quiet as his eyes pierced mine.

"You don't scare me," I whispered again, more to bully myself up than anything. I was shaking, wanting to run but wanting to sear my body to his so he could never shake me loose.

"You're a fool." Edward shook his head, made a disgruntled sound, but his thumb gently caressed my leg. Moved upward slowly. Teased me in agonizing circles.

Slid one thumb over the cotton that kept me from him. "And I'm a bastard."

With that, he grabbed my neck and pulled my lips to his in a rough possession of my mouth.

His grasp hurt slightly, but I kissed him back with all the passion I had in me. Gave him my tongue when he searched for it. Gave him more of my leg when he pulled it higher over his. Gave him all my strength as my arms surrounded him when he pulled me towards him, as tightly as possible in the cramped, uncomfortable space.

Gave him my impossibly stupid, knowingly reckless, pathetically gluttonous heart.